[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Good girls do get divorced.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Yes, they do. You know this because you are one, right? Maybe you\u2019ve had the odd rebellious moment, but when it came to getting married, well, you just didn\u2019t want to let people down: your fianc\u00e9, your parents, your friends\u2026 Why? Because you’re a good girl.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll let you into a secret. I\u2019d guesstimate that more than 95% of my clients knew that marrying their soon-to-be-ex-husband was the wrong thing to do. Obviously, when they proposed it seemed like a bloody marvellous idea! A wedding! Being loved! Having their person! Because #lifegoals. But the doubts soon crept in.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And grew.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And grew.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Angela got married to a good boy because she thought it\u2019d make her a \u2018good girl\u2019. Partying well into her 30s she thought that she should settle down with Mr. Sensible. He\u2019d help her become the \u2018proper grown-up\u2019 and mummy she wanted to be.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
It turned out Mr. Sensible was controlling and, frankly, boring. Angela began to die inside. What cheekily became known as \u2018courgette gate\u2019 was the end of their relationship. No drama, no showdown, no pivotal moment. Except it was, in its own way. You see Angela\u2019s husband didn\u2019t like food waste (nothing wrong with that, I\u2019m sure you\u2019d agree). However, when a Friday morning there was one slightly mushy courgette left in the fridge, he started to give his usual tirade of criticisms of Angela.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Enough was enough.\u00a0 Angela couldn\u2019t take it any longer. Life was governed by a set of rules that was all about her husband\u2019s view of the world \u2013 a view that was crushing Angela\u2019s sense of self.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
You can read more about Angela and what happened next in my Amazon bestseller How to be a Lady Who Leaves – The Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/a>. If you haven\u2019t read it yet, you really must. One reader described it as \u201cthe best thing since sliced bread other than sliced bread\u201d. Praise indeed!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The only person you can ever be is you. I learned this the hard way. Perhaps you have too. Perhaps you\u2019re only just beginning to realise that it is more than okay to be you just the way you are. Maybe you\u2019d love to believe that but you’re really struggling with it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019re a good girl, you probably equate being \u2018good\u2019 with being loved. I know I did. Love had to be \u2018earned\u2019 it wasn\u2019t given freely. For me, being good at school got me attention from daddy. He didn\u2019t connect at all with my love of singing or desire to dance. So my childhood lesson? Good grades meant praise and<\/em> love. Don\u2019t disappoint him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Relateable? Right from childhood, we let other people decide our worth. And it becomes our normal \u2013 pleasing others to receive love. Co-dependency becomes a way of being in the world.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Some women share that they told their dad that they knew they were making a mistake on the way to the church. Some got ignored, others got told \u2018they\u2019d made their bed\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When did daddy (or whoever it is for you) get to decide?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Why is he still deciding?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you\u2019ve learned that people-pleasing means getting attention and affection, putting everyone else\u2019s needs above your own is second nature. You go from pleasing daddy to pleasing your spouse. You ignore your own needs. Worse still, you deny you have had any. Everything is \u2018fine\u2019 because you\u2019re a good girl \u2013 you can cope. It\u2019s noble to put everyone else first.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The truth is you\u2019re exhausted. You\u2019re resentful. You want some recognition for putting up with that crap.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That recognition won\u2019t come.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Until it comes from you. Until you see that the power lies with you. No-one is going to make you feel better so long as you carry on ignoring yourself and living by everyone else\u2019s rules. Sure, it might feel easier to not rock the boat, but deep down, like Angela, you\u2019re feeling hollow.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You get to decide. And if you decide that you\u2019re a person too, that you need to come first for once, the world will not stop turning. I promise.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Getting a divorce doesn\u2019t make you a \u2018bad girl\u2019. Even if your dad (or mum, or anyone else whose opinion of you matters) doesn\u2019t agree. Even if you disappoint these people for religious or cultural or value-laden reasons.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Good girls divorce go get divorced. Smart women divorce. Good mothers in bad marriages divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Imagine it’s a few years from now. Your daughter tells you she’s unhappy in her marriage and she’s leaving. You can so relate.\u00a0 Would you consider her a \u2018bad girl\u2019 for being a lady who leaves? No? Thought not. So why do you think you are?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the five years since I began divorce coaching, not one client has said they regretted their decision. If you\u2019re looking for the permission you need to leave – here it is. Take that permission and make it your own (it is anyway). #goodgirlsdodivorce<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Letting go of guilt allows you to focus on what\u2019s right for you and your family. You take responsibility for creating the life you<\/em> want to live, not the life that someone else thinks you should live.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You stop thinking that you\u2019re not worthy of a financial settlement that meets your needs because you know that you are.\u00a0 What’s more, you stop thinking that you should let him have all the money because it\u2019s your fault for leaving.<\/p>\n You start believing in you and this changes everything.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Letting him have what\u2019s rightfully yours won\u2019t make you a saint – it only makes you a woman who has less than she needs and deserves. That\u2019s not smart, however much you spin it as being easier, liberating or giving you the moral high ground.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Sister – that sainthood ain\u2019t coming. Do the sensible thing and seek what you deserve. And don\u2019t, for a second, feel bad about it. Know that you are worth it.\u00a0 Feel it. Own it – unapologetically.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Want help stepping out of people-pleasing, good girl mode and focussing on you \u2013 book in a call<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Want your fireback? Together that’s what we do. And you can get your divorce on track, your way, because when you do, everything changes – you believe in you. You believe you can do this because you absolutely can!<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Good Girls Do Get Divorced Good girls do get divorced. Yes, they do. You know this because you are one, right? Maybe you\u2019ve had the odd rebellious moment, but when it came to getting married, well, you just didn\u2019t want to let people down: your fianc\u00e9, your parents, your friends\u2026 Why? Because you’re […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":11030,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> Good girls do get divorced.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Yes, they do. You know this because you are one, right? Maybe you\u2019ve had the odd rebellious moment, but when it came to getting married, well, you just didn\u2019t want to let people down: your fianc\u00e9, your parents, your friends\u2026 Why? Because you're a good girl.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> I\u2019ll let you into a secret. I\u2019d guesstimate that more than 95% of my clients knew that marrying their soon-to-be-ex-husband was the wrong thing to do. Obviously, when they proposed it seemed like a bloody marvellous idea! A wedding! Being loved! Having their person! Because #lifegoals. But the doubts soon crept in.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And grew.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And grew.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Angela got married to a good boy because she thought it\u2019d make her a \u2018good girl\u2019. Partying well into her 30s she thought that she should settle down with Mr. Sensible. He\u2019d help her become the \u2018proper grown-up\u2019 and mummy she wanted to be.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It turned out Mr. Sensible was controlling and, frankly, boring. Angela began to die inside. What cheekily became known as \u2018courgette gate\u2019 was the end of their relationship. No drama, no showdown, no pivotal moment. Except it was, in its own way. You see Angela\u2019s husband didn\u2019t like food waste (nothing wrong with that, I\u2019m sure you\u2019d agree). However, when a Friday morning there was one slightly mushy courgette left in the fridge, he started to give his usual tirade of criticisms of Angela.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Enough was enough.\u00a0 Angela couldn\u2019t take it any longer. Life was governed by a set of rules that was all about her husband\u2019s view of the world \u2013 a view that was crushing Angela\u2019s sense of self.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You can read more about Angela and what happened next in my Amazon bestseller How to be a Lady Who Leaves - The Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/a>. If you haven\u2019t read it yet, you really must. One reader described it as \u201cthe best thing since sliced bread other than sliced bread\u201d. Praise indeed!<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The only person you can ever be is you. I learned this the hard way. Perhaps you have too. Perhaps you\u2019re only just beginning to realise that it is more than okay to be you just the way you are. Maybe you\u2019d love to believe that but you're really struggling with it.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you\u2019re a good girl, you probably equate being \u2018good\u2019 with being loved. I know I did. Love had to be \u2018earned\u2019 it wasn\u2019t given freely. For me, being good at school got me attention from daddy. He didn\u2019t connect at all with my love of singing or desire to dance. So my childhood lesson? Good grades meant praise and<\/em> love. Don\u2019t disappoint him.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Relateable? Right from childhood, we let other people decide our worth. And it becomes our normal \u2013 pleasing others to receive love. Co-dependency becomes a way of being in the world.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Some women share that they told their dad that they knew they were making a mistake on the way to the church. Some got ignored, others got told \u2018they\u2019d made their bed\u2026\u2019<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When did daddy (or whoever it is for you) get to decide?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Why is he still deciding?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you\u2019ve learned that people-pleasing means getting attention and affection, putting everyone else\u2019s needs above your own is second nature. You go from pleasing daddy to pleasing your spouse. You ignore your own needs. Worse still, you deny you have had any. Everything is \u2018fine\u2019 because you\u2019re a good girl \u2013 you can cope. It\u2019s noble to put everyone else first.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The truth is you\u2019re exhausted. You\u2019re resentful. You want some recognition for putting up with that crap.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> That recognition won\u2019t come.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Until it comes from you. Until you see that the power lies with you. No-one is going to make you feel better so long as you carry on ignoring yourself and living by everyone else\u2019s rules. Sure, it might feel easier to not rock the boat, but deep down, like Angela, you\u2019re feeling hollow.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You get to decide. And if you decide that you\u2019re a person too, that you need to come first for once, the world will not stop turning. I promise.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Getting a divorce doesn\u2019t make you a \u2018bad girl\u2019. Even if your dad (or mum, or anyone else whose opinion of you matters) doesn\u2019t agree. Even if you disappoint these people for religious or cultural or value-laden reasons.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Good girls divorce go get divorced. Smart women divorce. Good mothers in bad marriages divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Imagine it's a few years from now. Your daughter tells you she's unhappy in her marriage and she's leaving. You can so relate.\u00a0 Would you consider her a \u2018bad girl\u2019 for being a lady who leaves? No? Thought not. So why do you think you are?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> In the five years since I began divorce coaching, not one client has said they regretted their decision. If you\u2019re looking for the permission you need to leave - here it is. Take that permission and make it your own (it is anyway). #goodgirlsdodivorce<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Letting go of guilt allows you to focus on what\u2019s right for you and your family. You take responsibility for creating the life you<\/em> want to live, not the life that someone else thinks you should live.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You stop thinking that you\u2019re not worthy of a financial settlement that meets your needs because you know that you are.\u00a0 What's more, you stop thinking that you should let him have all the money because it\u2019s your fault for leaving.<\/p> You start believing in you and this changes everything.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Letting him have what\u2019s rightfully yours won\u2019t make you a saint - it only makes you a woman who has less than she needs and deserves. That\u2019s not smart, however much you spin it as being easier, liberating or giving you the moral high ground.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Sister - that sainthood ain\u2019t coming. Do the sensible thing and seek what you deserve. And don\u2019t, for a second, feel bad about it. Know that you are worth it.\u00a0 Feel it. Own it - unapologetically.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Want help stepping out of people-pleasing, good girl mode and focussing on you \u2013 book in a call<\/a>.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Want your fireback? Together that's what we do. And you can get your divorce on track, your way, because when you do, everything changes - you believe in you. You believe you can do this because you absolutely can!<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11029","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/Copy-of-Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-4.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-2RT","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11029","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11029"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11029\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11030"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11029"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11029"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11029"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Daddy shouldn\u2019t decide<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>You<\/em> get to decide<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Good girls do get divorced<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Letting go of guilt<\/span><\/h2>\n
Good Girls Do Get Divorced<\/h1>
The only person you can ever be is you<\/h2>
Daddy shouldn\u2019t decide<\/h2>
You<\/em> get to decide<\/h2>
Good girls do get divorced<\/h2>
Letting go of guilt<\/h2>