{"id":12313,"date":"2019-12-09T06:34:19","date_gmt":"2019-12-09T06:34:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=12313"},"modified":"2023-05-18T12:38:59","modified_gmt":"2023-05-18T11:38:59","slug":"divorce-you-decide-your-self-worth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/divorce-you-decide-your-self-worth\/","title":{"rendered":"Divorce: You decide your self-worth"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_code _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/17854784\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/c5b2b1\/\" height=\"90\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\"  allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen><\/iframe>[\/et_pb_code][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.20.4&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; header_2_text_color=&#8221;#c984a4&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; text_orientation=&#8221;justified&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; header_2_font_size_tablet=&#8221;&#8221; header_2_font_size_phone=&#8221;&#8221; header_2_font_size_last_edited=&#8221;on|desktop&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<h1>Divorce: You decide your self-worth<\/h1>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You decide your self-worth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Yes you do. Often we forget this. I forget this sometimes. Most of the time I remember, but I have my triggers \u2013 it\u2019s one trigger actually, if I\u2019m honest. She\u2019s called mum. I love her of course, and she also triggers me massively, to the point I actually don\u2019t like being around her that much.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As you already know, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/good-girls-do-get-divorced\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m a good girl<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and as a good girl, I often give others power over my self worth even though I \u2018know better\u2019. So today\u2019s blog is to remind myself (as much as you) why I (and you) get to decide our self worth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"yes_i_know_this\"><\/span>Yes I know this<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019ve had therapy or you\u2019re in it now, you\u2019ll know that your self-worth is decided by you &#8211; that\u2019s the official line anyway. Your parents\/children\/co-workers\/boss or random social media troll isn\u2019t in charge of how you feel about yourself.\u00a0You get to choose.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Divorce doesn\u2019t make you a failure.<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You\u2019re not a bad girl for disappointing your parents (or yourself).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But there\u2019s knowing something intellectually and there\u2019s knowing it with every fibre of your being, feeling it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"know_what_triggers_you\"><\/span>Know what triggers you<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Knowing what triggers you to lose your sense of self worth is only the beginning. Don\u2019t get me wrong, it\u2019s a great start, it\u2019s vital. But knowing what triggers you isn\u2019t enough. For me, it\u2019s not the entire essence of \u2018mum\u2019 that\u2019s triggering. It\u2019s specific behaviours. You need to go deeper and look at where the process starts for you.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Something specific will have caused your reaction. It might be a look, comment, even breathing pattern that starts those anxious feelings in you. It might be specific words. Whatever it is, notice it. That\u2019s how you can start to take away its power. You can interrupt the cause and effect pattern.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"interrupt_the_pattern\"><\/span>Interrupt the pattern<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pattern interrupts are simple and yet oh so powerful. When you realise that your ex\u2019s habitual behaviours trigger your habitual responses, interrupting the pattern can change everything for you. You can never change them, but you can change the way you respond.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A pattern interrupt doesn\u2019t have to be huge. It can be as simple as removing yourself from a situation physically. Or reasserting a personal boundary. It can be as simple as not opening that text message\/email when you\u2019re not feeling great. Instead of reaching for your phone to distract yourself or vent to a friend (getting into your victim groove) you could take a deep breath or put some music on instead. Doing something different creates a different response.\u00a0And puts you back in control, there and then.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"create_and_enforce_boundaries\"><\/span>Create and enforce boundaries<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019ve written about boundaries before &#8211; if you haven\u2019t read that blog you can <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/creating-boundaries-in-your-divorce\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">read it here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. A quick way of thinking about boundaries is simply that you are enforcing a situation that is safe, healthy and affirming for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We tend to get triggered more when we\u2019ve let our boundaries slide. That\u2019s because we\u2019ve put ourselves in a more vulnerable place. Good girls often struggle with enforcing boundaries because they mean we put our personal values above people-pleasing. This can be a struggle at first \u2013 we\u2019re not used to it! It feels rude and selfish. But know that it\u2019s neither of those things. It\u2019s necessary and it doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t care about others. It means you care about yourself as well. In order to build your self-worth, boundary-setting is a muscle you need to flex regularly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"your_thoughts_before_his\"><\/span>Your thoughts before his<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you\u2019re going through divorce with someone who is either financially or emotionally controlling (or both), it\u2019s really hard. If they\u2019re skilled at criticism, good at telling you you\u2019re rubbish with money or that you need them to cope with life, then listen up.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These are just thoughts. Their thoughts, not yours. Thoughts do become things &#8211; a self-fulfilling prophecy &#8211; but why would you let their thoughts become your thing?\u00a0I\u2019ll let you into a secret here too \u2013 emotionally secure people do not need to brag or prove themselves. Perhaps they desperately want to believe they\u2019re a financial genius. But if they need to tell you they are all the time, chances are they don\u2019t even believe it themselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So what if he negotiates multi-million pound deals at work. And?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">He manages all the family finances at the moment. So what?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What does this mean?\u00a0Does it mean you\u2019re not capable? No.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It means you have to sit up, take notice and get your shizzle on. You need to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/you-are-the-ceo-of-your-divorce\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">be the CEO of your divorce<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and lady, you gotta start talking nicely to yourself. Take that old piece of vinyl (remember that) off the record player, the one that sings along in harmony with him and break it in two.\u00a0Time for you to take centre stage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Write a listen of 20 reasons why you are a competent and capable woman. If you have to dig back into the past when you bought your first flat and got your first mortgage on your own do it. That girl is inside you. She might be hiding but she\u2019s there. Talk lovingly to her. Coax her out. You need her now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"accept_you_are_enough\"><\/span>Accept you are enough<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Accepting that you are enough just the way you are can be tricky when your self-esteem is on the floor. Rember, in <\/span><em>Divorce: You decide your self-worth.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If that\u2019s hard for you right now, are you willing to be open to the possibility that it might be true even if you can\u2019t fully own it yet?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you begin to put more faith in yourself day by day, you\u2019ll find even more things and more things. You\u2019ll start recognising what you are good at (it\u2019s more than you think).\u00a0What you give your attention to can literally rewire your brain. At the end of each day write down three things you did that you\u2019re proud of yourself for. It might be something you handled well (a conversation at work, a screaming toddler meltdown). It might be something you\u2019re good at. It might be that you asked for help. Or it might be something you surprised yourself with. Creating a habit of noticing the positive about yourself will start to rebuild your faith in your ability to handle whatever comes your way.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Including the BS your ex throws at you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"affirmations_vs_afformations\"><\/span>Affirmations vs Afformations<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You\u2019ve probably heard of affirmations. Perhaps your coach or therapist has suggested some to you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Affirmations are statements that you repeat with feeling daily. These statement are always positive. Examples might include:<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am happy.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am confident.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I manage my emotions with ease.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The idea is that you, in front of a mirror, repeat your affirmations once or twice daily until you feel and then embody the affirmation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What if you don\u2019t believe what you\u2019re saying?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It can be hard to do affirmations when your brain is screaming \u201cliar\u201d at you every time you say them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When this happens, try Afformations\u00ae. Afformations are a variation of Affirmations created by Noah St John. Rather than making a statement, afformations ask a question:<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why am I happy?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why I am confident?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You get the picture.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we ask ourselves a question, our unconscious mind goes on a search for the answer!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why am I the CEO of my divorce?\u2019 Yes, I want you to ask yourself every day.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why am I so worthy?\u2019 That one too. Because in <\/span><em>Divorce: You decide your self-worth.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"why_is_it_more_than_okay_for_me_to_ask_for_support\"><\/span>Why is it more than okay for me to ask for support?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re struggling and you want support, ask yourself:<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why is it more than okay for me to ask for support?\u2019\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Or<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why is it more than okay to invest in myself financially?\u2019\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your unconscious mind will bring you the answers &#8211; write them down and look at them. Own them. Accept them as true.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John Donne wrote \u2018No man is an island\u2019. Neither is any woman.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Asking for support can move you quicker and faster than you think possible right now.\u00a0Working with me for just one day can move mountains.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We can shift your mindset, file for divorce, review your disclosure, complete Form E, figure out what you want and need, get communication strategies in place and build your confidence. You get a written plan and a 90 minute follow up too. There\u2019s no stronger jumpstart to your divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can find out more about a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/one-to-one-coaching\/clarity-day\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Clarity Day with me here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. I have 1 space left this year. Want it? Not sure? Ask yourself \u2018Why is it okay for me to invest in a Clarity Day with Emma?\u2019 and see what your answers are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In 2020 all my prices are increasing so if you\u2019ve been putting off investing with me, book now and together we\u2019ll get your divorce done.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Divorce: You decide your self-worth &nbsp; You decide your self-worth.\u00a0 &nbsp; Yes you do. Often we forget this. I forget this sometimes. Most of the time I remember, but I have my triggers \u2013 it\u2019s one trigger actually, if I\u2019m honest. She\u2019s called mum. I love her of course, and she also triggers me massively, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":12477,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<h1>Divorce: You decide your self-worth<\/h1><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You decide your self-worth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Yes you do. Often we forget this. I forget this sometimes. Most of the time I remember, but I have my triggers \u2013 it\u2019s one trigger actually, if I\u2019m honest. She\u2019s called mum. I love her of course, and she also triggers me massively, to the point I actually don\u2019t like being around her that much.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As you already know, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/good-girls-do-get-divorced\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m a good girl<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and as a good girl, I often give others power over my self worth even though I \u2018know better\u2019. So today\u2019s blog is to remind myself (as much as you) why I (and you) get to decide our self worth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Yes I know this<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019ve had therapy or you\u2019re in it now, you\u2019ll know that your self-worth is decided by you - that\u2019s the official line anyway. Your parents\/children\/co-workers\/boss or random social media troll isn\u2019t in charge of how you feel about yourself.\u00a0You get to choose.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Divorce doesn\u2019t make you a failure.<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You\u2019re not a bad girl for disappointing your parents (or yourself).\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But there\u2019s knowing something intellectually and there\u2019s knowing it with every fibre of your being, feeling it.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Know what triggers you<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Knowing what triggers you to lose your sense of self worth is only the beginning. Don\u2019t get me wrong, it\u2019s a great start, it\u2019s vital. But knowing what triggers you isn\u2019t enough. For me, it\u2019s not the entire essence of \u2018mum\u2019 that\u2019s triggering. It\u2019s specific behaviours. You need to go deeper and look at where the process starts for you.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Something specific will have caused your reaction. It might be a look, comment, even breathing pattern that starts those anxious feelings in you. It might be specific words. Whatever it is, notice it. That\u2019s how you can start to take away its power. You can interrupt the cause and effect pattern.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Interrupt the pattern<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Pattern interrupts are simple and yet oh so powerful. When you realise that your ex\u2019s habitual behaviours trigger your habitual responses, interrupting the pattern can change everything for you. You can never change them, but you can change the way you respond.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A pattern interrupt doesn\u2019t have to be huge. It can be as simple as removing yourself from a situation physically. Or reasserting a personal boundary. It can be as simple as not opening that text message\/email when you\u2019re not feeling great. Instead of reaching for your phone to distract yourself or vent to a friend (getting into your victim groove) you could take a deep breath or put some music on instead. Doing something different creates a different response.\u00a0And puts you back in control, there and then.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Create and enforce boundaries<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019ve written about boundaries before - if you haven\u2019t read that blog you can <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/creating-boundaries-in-your-divorce\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">read it here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. A quick way of thinking about boundaries is simply that you are enforcing a situation that is safe, healthy and affirming for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We tend to get triggered more when we\u2019ve let our boundaries slide. That\u2019s because we\u2019ve put ourselves in a more vulnerable place. Good girls often struggle with enforcing boundaries because they mean we put our personal values above people-pleasing. This can be a struggle at first \u2013 we\u2019re not used to it! It feels rude and selfish. But know that it\u2019s neither of those things. It\u2019s necessary and it doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t care about others. It means you care about yourself as well. In order to build your self-worth, boundary-setting is a muscle you need to flex regularly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Your thoughts before his<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you\u2019re going through divorce with someone who is either financially or emotionally controlling (or both), it\u2019s really hard. If they\u2019re skilled at criticism, good at telling you you\u2019re rubbish with money or that you need them to cope with life, then listen up.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These are just thoughts. Their thoughts, not yours. Thoughts do become things - a self-fulfilling prophecy - but why would you let their thoughts become your thing?\u00a0I\u2019ll let you into a secret here too \u2013 emotionally secure people do not need to brag or prove themselves. Perhaps they desperately want to believe they\u2019re a financial genius. But if they need to tell you they are all the time, chances are they don\u2019t even believe it themselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So what if he negotiates multi-million pound deals at work. And?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">He manages all the family finances at the moment. So what?<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What does this mean?\u00a0Does it mean you\u2019re not capable? No.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It means you have to sit up, take notice and get your shizzle on. You need to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/you-are-the-ceo-of-your-divorce\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">be the CEO of your divorce<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and lady, you gotta start talking nicely to yourself. Take that old piece of vinyl (remember that) off the record player, the one that sings along in harmony with him and break it in two.\u00a0Time for you to take centre stage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Write a listen of 20 reasons why you are a competent and capable woman. If you have to dig back into the past when you bought your first flat and got your first mortgage on your own do it. That girl is inside you. She might be hiding but she\u2019s there. Talk lovingly to her. Coax her out. You need her now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Accept you are enough<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Accepting that you are enough just the way you are can be tricky when your self-esteem is on the floor. Rember, in <\/span><em>Divorce: You decide your self-worth.<\/em><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If that\u2019s hard for you right now, are you willing to be open to the possibility that it might be true even if you can\u2019t fully own it yet?<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you begin to put more faith in yourself day by day, you\u2019ll find even more things and more things. You\u2019ll start recognising what you are good at (it\u2019s more than you think).\u00a0What you give your attention to can literally rewire your brain. At the end of each day write down three things you did that you\u2019re proud of yourself for. It might be something you handled well (a conversation at work, a screaming toddler meltdown). It might be something you\u2019re good at. It might be that you asked for help. Or it might be something you surprised yourself with. Creating a habit of noticing the positive about yourself will start to rebuild your faith in your ability to handle whatever comes your way.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Including the BS your ex throws at you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Affirmations vs Afformations<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You\u2019ve probably heard of affirmations. Perhaps your coach or therapist has suggested some to you.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Affirmations are statements that you repeat with feeling daily. These statement are always positive. Examples might include:<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am happy.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am confident.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I manage my emotions with ease.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The idea is that you, in front of a mirror, repeat your affirmations once or twice daily until you feel and then embody the affirmation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What if you don\u2019t believe what you\u2019re saying?<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It can be hard to do affirmations when your brain is screaming \u201cliar\u201d at you every time you say them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When this happens, try Afformations\u00ae. Afformations are a variation of Affirmations created by Noah St John. Rather than making a statement, afformations ask a question:<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why am I happy?<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why I am confident?<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You get the picture.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we ask ourselves a question, our unconscious mind goes on a search for the answer!\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why am I the CEO of my divorce?\u2019 Yes, I want you to ask yourself every day.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why am I so worthy?\u2019 That one too. Because in <\/span><em>Divorce: You decide your self-worth.<\/em><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Why is it more than okay for me to ask for support?<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re struggling and you want support, ask yourself:<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why is it more than okay for me to ask for support?\u2019\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Or<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Why is it more than okay to invest in myself financially?\u2019\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your unconscious mind will bring you the answers - write them down and look at them. Own them. Accept them as true.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John Donne wrote \u2018No man is an island\u2019. Neither is any woman.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Asking for support can move you quicker and faster than you think possible right now.\u00a0Working with me for just one day can move mountains.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We can shift your mindset, file for divorce, review your disclosure, complete Form E, figure out what you want and need, get communication strategies in place and build your confidence. You get a written plan and a 90 minute follow up too. There\u2019s no stronger jumpstart to your divorce.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can find out more about a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/clarity\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Clarity Day with me here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. I have 1 space left this year. Want it? Not sure? Ask yourself \u2018Why is it okay for me to invest in a Clarity Day with Emma?\u2019 and see what your answers are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In 2020 all my prices are increasing so if you\u2019ve been putting off investing with me, book now and together we\u2019ll get your divorce done.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,1,301],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12313","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-podcast"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/Copy-of-Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-7.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-3cB","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12313","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12313"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12313\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12477"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12313"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12313"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12313"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}