[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
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If you\u2019re anything like me, whilst you love Christmas, it kinda sneaks up on you. Ridiculous really given that it happens at the same time each year. You\u2019d think I\u2019d have a grip of it after 46 years on the planet. In\u00a0Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas,<\/em> we take a look at how you can have fun at Christmas and still manage your divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And I\u2019m lucky when it comes to Christmas logistics – there\u2019s just me. I don\u2019t have a brood of children to provide for financially and emotionally. I don\u2019t have to do #allthethings or buy them either. I’m also lucky I don\u2019t have to be a dab hand at costume making and cookie baking (it\u2019s truly a relief for humanity on both counts)!<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And I don\u2019t have to grapple with an ex who\u2019s trying to push every button going. I get to decide what I want and need from this season.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n But my blogs aren\u2019t about me, they\u2019re about you. And you might have to be all the things to all the people. Right in the middle of all the divorce craziness.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Full of Christmas stress rather than cheer? Do nothing. If you\u2019ve followed me for a while, you\u2019ll know that this is my first rule of divorce (unless you\u2019re at risk of course). Doing nothing gives us time to respond calmly and wisely, after consideration. Reacting often doesn\u2019t end well for anyone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019re feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, just stop. If you\u2019re a good girl and you need permission – here it is. Just stop.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Believe it, by giving yourself the gift of some time, when you get going again you\u2019ll be more productive and get more done. Skeptical? I know. I was until I tried it – I can promise you it works. When we force ourselves to be or do something we\u2019re just not ready for, it doesn\u2019t work. It\u2019s harder, takes longer and we feel resentful. That\u2019s not the spirit you want to bring to this Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n You know that\u2019s what Elsa would say and Emma says it too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s impossible to be all the things to all the people all the time. So let that one go right now and accept you for you. You might be lucky enough to have a supportive soon-to-be-ex, or great parents and or friends around you. Or it could just be you and if it is, you are enough.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Letting go of trying to do everything and please everyone means you need to prioritise. Think about what\u2019s available to you this year in terms of time, money, energy, and check in with your values. What\u2019s important? If you could only do three things, what would they be? What do you do simply because it\u2019s become habit?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n As the CEO of your divorce<\/a> and your own life, you get to make all the decisions! You decide. Once you\u2019ve worked out a list of what you can and want to accomplish, you can set the rest free. Let it go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n When Christmas isn\u2019t the same as in years past, it\u2019s hard not to feel sad, regretful and to look back and wish things were still the same.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Sometimes you feel driven to try and make it as close to what you had before as possible.\u00a0You tell yourself it needs to be the same for the children.\u00a0Or your wider family will have expectations about what you should do.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n But ask yourself, how many of the expectations are yours? The feeling you \u2018should\u2019 do Christmas just as you always have \u2013 going to the Carol Service, having everyone around for a big dinner, producing a pile of presents, spending Boxing Day with Auntie Marge?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Start from scratch. You get to decide what\u2019s good for you and your family this year. Traditions can be fun, but only if you\u2019re still committed to them. Otherwise, they\u2019re just another thing on your to-do list. Talk to your nearest and dearest, and respect their feelings, but set a boundary around what you\u2019re willing to give right now \u2013 of your time and wallet. Pizza for Christmas dinner is just fine if that\u2019s what suits you this year.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Remember, Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Apart from perhaps a truly special Christmas gift in childhood, we don\u2019t remember all the gifts we received. One of my favourites was a much loved Petite Typewriter! What was yours?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Mostly, when we think of Christmas memories it\u2019s the experiences and feelings we remember (both good and not so good). So what if your soon-to-be-ex buys all the things – it might impress the children now, and for a few years even. But will they, as adults and possibly parents themselves, look back and think worse of you for it? Unlikely. It\u2019s likely they\u2019ll care about the same things you do \u2013 the special memories you create at Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Creativity costs very little money. Get all the children involved in creating an adventure-filled Christmas that takes them off the tech, out of the house and doing stuff together. Trips to the seaside, into the local woods, sorting out unwanted toys to box and wrap for others less fortunate. Baking, making paper chains together, whatever you love doing. It\u2019s the gift of your presence that matters \u2013 you might not be with them all the time, but when you are, put aside the stress and just have fun together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Remember that you are not alone. There are very many people in your position and there is support for you. Nina Farr runs the Cluster Mothers which is active over the Christmas period. You can check it out here The Cluster Mothers<\/a><\/p>\n If you don\u2019t have the children over Christmas Day itself, remember that as the CEO of your own life, you get to decide when it is and what you\u2019ll do. Christmas is a season, not a date. You can create special memories when you choose. And you can spend the time away from your children doing something important for you \u2013 you are a person in your own right, and she needs a holiday too. Your solo Christmas Day can be whatever you want and need it to be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Some of my clients have mediation and court hearings in December! As if you didn\u2019t have enough to do, right? If this is also you, I feel for you. It\u2019s wise to schedule in some \u2018divorce time\u2019 so you\u2019re prepared practically and emotionally.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you don\u2019t have to \u2018do\u2019 your divorce in December, how about letting it go just for a few weeks? No one will die. The world won\u2019t end and actually, you\u2019ll come back to it refreshed in January.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If this idea fills you with horror, it\u2019s a sign that you really do need to take a break for December. Your divorce should not be taking over every waking moment of your life. If it is, you\u2019re probably not sleeping much either. Am I right? If you are seeing more than one 3 o\u2019clock in a 24 hour period it\u2019s time to step back.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n It is possible to \u2018overdo\u2019 your divorce. It can be all-consuming, and that\u2019s no good for your mental health, your physical health or your relationships with friends and family. So, attend to what is really necessary, and ditch the rest. That includes guilt, stress, the anxiety, and fears. It includes the anger the perfectionism and resentments. The whole lot.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Imagine\u00a0finding a Christmas gift box and putting all of the divorce emotions into that box and wrapping it up. Instead of putting it under the tree, stick it at the back of your wardrobe. You can pull it out in January. As for your paperwork, I\u2019d love for you to put all that away too if you can. Make a note of where you\u2019re at and your next steps for January, then enjoy being a parent, daughter, sister, friend, woman for a few weeks. You deserve it!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you want to relax in the certainty you\u2019ll hit the ground running in 2020, you can get me in your diary for the new year. Just <\/span>book in a call<\/span><\/a>, then give yourself some lovely festive breathing space knowing you\u2019ve got your divorce covered when you\u2019re rested. If you’d love to spend a Clarity Day<\/a> with me In January 2020 for the 2019 price, book it in December and also receive a free place at Get Divorce Ready Live in London in January!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas If you\u2019re anything like me, whilst you love Christmas, it kinda sneaks up on you. Ridiculous really given that it happens at the same time each year. You\u2019d think I\u2019d have a grip of it after 46 years on the planet. In\u00a0Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas, we […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":12317,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> If you\u2019re anything like me, whilst you love Christmas, it kinda sneaks up on you. Ridiculous really given that it happens at the same time each year. You\u2019d think I\u2019d have a grip of it after 46 years on the planet. In\u00a0Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas,<\/em> we take a look at how you can have fun at Christmas and still manage your divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And I\u2019m lucky when it comes to Christmas logistics - there\u2019s just me. I don\u2019t have a brood of children to provide for financially and emotionally. I don\u2019t have to do #allthethings or buy them either. I'm also lucky I don\u2019t have to be a dab hand at costume making and cookie baking (it\u2019s truly a relief for humanity on both counts)!<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And I don\u2019t have to grapple with an ex who\u2019s trying to push every button going. I get to decide what I want and need from this season.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> But my blogs aren\u2019t about me, they\u2019re about you. And you might have to be all the things to all the people. Right in the middle of all the divorce craziness.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Full of Christmas stress rather than cheer? Do nothing. If you\u2019ve followed me for a while, you\u2019ll know that this is my first rule of divorce (unless you\u2019re at risk of course). Doing nothing gives us time to respond calmly and wisely, after consideration. Reacting often doesn\u2019t end well for anyone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you\u2019re feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, just stop. If you\u2019re a good girl and you need permission - here it is. Just stop.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Believe it, by giving yourself the gift of some time, when you get going again you\u2019ll be more productive and get more done. Skeptical? I know. I was until I tried it - I can promise you it works. When we force ourselves to be or do something we\u2019re just not ready for, it doesn\u2019t work. It\u2019s harder, takes longer and we feel resentful. That\u2019s not the spirit you want to bring to this Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You know that\u2019s what Elsa would say and Emma says it too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It\u2019s impossible to be all the things to all the people all the time. So let that one go right now and accept you for you. You might be lucky enough to have a supportive soon-to-be-ex, or great parents and or friends around you. Or it could just be you and if it is, you are enough.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Letting go of trying to do everything and please everyone means you need to prioritise. Think about what\u2019s available to you this year in terms of time, money, energy, and check in with your values. What\u2019s important? If you could only do three things, what would they be? What do you do simply because it\u2019s become habit?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> As the CEO of your divorce<\/a> and your own life, you get to make all the decisions! You decide. Once you\u2019ve worked out a list of what you can and want to accomplish, you can set the rest free. Let it go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When Christmas isn\u2019t the same as in years past, it\u2019s hard not to feel sad, regretful and to look back and wish things were still the same.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Sometimes you feel driven to try and make it as close to what you had before as possible.\u00a0You tell yourself it needs to be the same for the children.\u00a0Or your wider family will have expectations about what you should do.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> But ask yourself, how many of the expectations are yours? The feeling you \u2018should\u2019 do Christmas just as you always have \u2013 going to the Carol Service, having everyone around for a big dinner, producing a pile of presents, spending Boxing Day with Auntie Marge?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Start from scratch. You get to decide what\u2019s good for you and your family this year. Traditions can be fun, but only if you\u2019re still committed to them. Otherwise, they\u2019re just another thing on your to-do list. Talk to your nearest and dearest, and respect their feelings, but set a boundary around what you\u2019re willing to give right now \u2013 of your time and wallet. Pizza for Christmas dinner is just fine if that\u2019s what suits you this year.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Remember, Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas.<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Apart from perhaps a truly special Christmas gift in childhood, we don\u2019t remember all the gifts we received. One of my favourites was a much loved Petite Typewriter! What was yours?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Mostly, when we think of Christmas memories it\u2019s the experiences and feelings we remember (both good and not so good). So what if your soon-to-be-ex buys all the things - it might impress the children now, and for a few years even. But will they, as adults and possibly parents themselves, look back and think worse of you for it? Unlikely. It\u2019s likely they\u2019ll care about the same things you do \u2013 the special memories you create at Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Creativity costs very little money. Get all the children involved in creating an adventure-filled Christmas that takes them off the tech, out of the house and doing stuff together. Trips to the seaside, into the local woods, sorting out unwanted toys to box and wrap for others less fortunate. Baking, making paper chains together, whatever you love doing. It\u2019s the gift of your presence that matters \u2013 you might not be with them all the time, but when you are, put aside the stress and just have fun together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Remember that you are not alone. There are very many people in your position and there is support for you. Nina Farr runs the Cluster Mothers which is active over the Christmas period. You can check it out here The Cluster Mothers<\/a><\/p> If you don\u2019t have the children over Christmas Day itself, remember that as the CEO of your own life, you get to decide when it is and what you\u2019ll do. Christmas is a season, not a date. You can create special memories when you choose. And you can spend the time away from your children doing something important for you \u2013 you are a person in your own right, and she needs a holiday too. Your solo Christmas Day can be whatever you want and need it to be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Some of my clients have mediation and court hearings in December! As if you didn\u2019t have enough to do, right? If this is also you, I feel for you. It\u2019s wise to schedule in some \u2018divorce time\u2019 so you\u2019re prepared practically and emotionally.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you don\u2019t have to \u2018do\u2019 your divorce in December, how about letting it go just for a few weeks? No one will die. The world won\u2019t end and actually, you\u2019ll come back to it refreshed in January.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If this idea fills you with horror, it\u2019s a sign that you really do need to take a break for December. Your divorce should not be taking over every waking moment of your life. If it is, you\u2019re probably not sleeping much either. Am I right? If you are seeing more than one 3 o\u2019clock in a 24 hour period it\u2019s time to step back.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It is possible to \u2018overdo\u2019 your divorce. It can be all-consuming, and that\u2019s no good for your mental health, your physical health or your relationships with friends and family. So, attend to what is really necessary, and ditch the rest. That includes guilt, stress, the anxiety, and fears. It includes the anger the perfectionism and resentments. The whole lot.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Imagine\u00a0finding a Christmas gift box and putting all of the divorce emotions into that box and wrapping it up. Instead of putting it under the tree, stick it at the back of your wardrobe. You can pull it out in January. As for your paperwork, I\u2019d love for you to put all that away too if you can. Make a note of where you\u2019re at and your next steps for January, then enjoy being a parent, daughter, sister, friend, woman for a few weeks. You deserve it!\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you want to relax in the certainty you\u2019ll hit the ground running in 2020, you can get me in your diary for the new year. Just <\/span>book in a call<\/span><\/a>, then give yourself some lovely festive breathing space knowing you\u2019ve got your divorce covered when you\u2019re rested. If you'd love to spend a Clarity Day<\/a> with me In January 2020 for the 2019 price, book it in December and also receive a free place at Get Divorce Ready Live in London in January!\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,397,12,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12314","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-christmas","category-divorce-self-care","category-divorce-support","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/Copy-of-Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-6.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-3cC","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12314","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12314"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12314\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12317"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12314"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12314"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12314"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>At first, do nothing<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Let it go, let it go<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Whose expectations?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Focus on family adventures<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>
<\/span>
<\/span>Ditch the divorce for December<\/span><\/h2>\n<\/span>The divorce Christmas box<\/span><\/h2>\n
Keep calm, its divorce at Christmas<\/h1>
At first, do nothing<\/h2>
Let it go, let it go<\/h2>
Whose expectations?<\/h2>
Focus on family adventures<\/h2>
<\/span>
<\/span>Ditch the divorce for December<\/h2>The divorce Christmas box<\/h2>