{"id":12795,"date":"2019-12-23T06:22:01","date_gmt":"2019-12-23T06:22:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=12795"},"modified":"2021-02-07T19:26:28","modified_gmt":"2021-02-07T19:26:28","slug":"the-grief-cycle-and-how-it-plays-out-in-your-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/the-grief-cycle-and-how-it-plays-out-in-your-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"The Grief Cycle and how it plays out in your divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;3.22&#8243;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;3.25&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;3.25&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_code _builder_version=&#8221;4.8.2&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none;\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/17854562\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/c5b2b1\/\" width=\"100%\" height=\"90\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>[\/et_pb_code][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.0.9&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; header_2_text_color=&#8221;#c984a4&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; text_orientation=&#8221;justified&#8221;]<\/p>\n<h1 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The Grief Cycle and how it plays out in your divorce<\/span><\/h1>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">We don\u2019t just experience grief when people die. Grief shows up for any loss \u2013 and even if divorce is right for your future, it\u2019s totally valid to grieve the loss of your marriage. Even when divorce is your idea, you can be hit with waves of grief: sudden, violent and unexpected. And they don\u2019t just affect you. Grief impacts your soon-to-be-ex-husband and your children too. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In this blog, we look at the various ways grief may manifest and tips for managing both yourself and others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"what_is_the_grief_cycle\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">What is the grief cycle?<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Whilst everyone experiences grief differently, there are stages we all pass through. And grief isn\u2019t a one-way ticket either \u2013 you may find yourself jumping back and forth through them as you work through your grief.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Originally developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the 1960s, the grief cycle is made up of five stages:<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 1: Shock and denial<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 2: Anger<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 3: Bargaining<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 4: Depression<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 5: Acceptance<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\"><br \/>\nWhat each of these stages looks like can be different for everyone. Your experience of depression might be carrying on as normal, but shutting out all emotional support. For someone else it might be late nights and too much booze. The point is to recognise that grief will affect you every step of the way as you go through your divorce. And while it may be hard, it\u2019s necessary. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"you_and_your_grief\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">You and your grief<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">We feel loss in many areas of life and the end of your marriage is a big one. You may grieve the loss of connection, friendship and intimacy you once enjoyed with your spouse. Conversely, your grief may be for the lack of connection and intimacy that longed for but never had. Both of these are valid and real.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Generally speaking, the instigator of the divorce will be further ahead in the grief cycle than the other person. Perhaps you \u2018put off\u2019 divorce for several months, years or even decades. You didn\u2019t want to accept the reality of your situation and how unhappy you\u2019d become. You hoped that things would change. Perhaps you tried to make it change. Counselling, holidays, initiating romance &#8211; you name it, you did it. You just weren\u2019t quite ready to accept your marriage was over. What you were experiencing is denial.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Perhaps you were confronted by the irrefutable evidence that your ex was in an emotionally or physically inappropriate relationship with another person. It shocked you to the core and then you buried it deep and vowed to \u2018try harder\u2019 as a wife. But you were miserable and over-functioning.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Then you decided to get real with yourself. You decided to put an end to the charade and move forward &#8211; because you know you deserve it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So you thought you\u2019d come to \u2018acceptance\u2019 then, bam, you get hit with waves of grief. You thought that you were \u2018over this\u2019. The reality is, you\u2019ll go round the grief cycle several times on your divorce journey. You\u2019ll be triggered sometimes by the obvious &#8211; Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries. Other times by pieces of music, scents and phrases. TV shows and other everyday things.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"with_grief_expect_the_unexpected\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">With grief, expect the unexpected.<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When grief arrives, allow it. Ride the waves as they happen. In allowing and feeling you\u2019ll process it more deeply and move through with greater ease.\u00a0Perhaps the sense of loss will never entirely disappear. But you will get to a point where it doesn\u2019t feel so overwhelming. Where the positive things your future holds outweigh your sadness.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"him_and_his_grief\"><\/span>Him and his grief<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019re the instigator of your divorce and you\u2019ve experienced at least one wave of acceptance, you\u2019re likely to feel a sense of relief and clarity alongside the pain of grief. But your soon-to-ex might still be in blissful ignorance &#8211; either because they have no awareness of your feelings, or they\u2019re in denial you\u2019ll actually initiate separation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Sometimes, the particularly arrogant soon-to-be-ex will \u2018humour you\u2019 and either move out or support your decision to leave &#8211; because they think you\u2019re going to come back. Now, to be fair, that might be because you\u2019ve done it before. But you\u2019re serious this time. How\u2019s that going to play out? <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Your ex is going to get a shock. They might become angry telling you that you can\u2019t do this. It\u2019ll be \u2018Armageddon\u2019, you won\u2019t cope.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">They\u2019re behind you on the grief curve right now. And that\u2019s their business, not yours. You need to keep your grief curve and theirs separate. Understanding that their grief curve is not your responsibility is essential. Yes, you may feel for them, yes you may be sad they\u2019re hurting right now, but it\u2019s not like you haven\u2019t been asking them to listen, asking them to make changes. They\u2019ve chosen not to. We spend many hours with our children teaching them that actions have consequences &#8211; this isn\u2019t any different. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You are responsible for you. Your ex is responsible for themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"children_and_the_manifestation_of_grief\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Children and the manifestation of grief<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Grief can manifest itself in children in different ways. They may not see that their emotions stem from grief, but they\u2019ve lost something too, and they will express that in their behaviour. They\u2019ve lost the family as they know it and it will take time for them to adjust. They may refuse to engage in conversations about changes to the family set up, in denial that things will need to be different. Other children will have accepted the end of your marriage before you!<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Each of your children will experience their grief differently. You may notice them \u2018bargaining\u2019 with you, promising to be \u2018better\u2019 if you get back together. It\u2019s important to let your children know that there is nothing that they could have done differently &#8211; that the end of your marriage is nothing to do with them.\u00a0It\u2019s not their fault. And remember, all the research shows that \u2018staying together for the children\u2019 is never a good idea \u2013 your children will not benefit from you staying in a bad marriage in the long run, however unhappy they are right now at your separation. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Some children express their anger by acting out. They are rebellious, rude and disrespectful because they are hurting. Others may become silent, withdrawn and show signs of depression &#8211; all similar behaviours that we as adults can exhibit in grief.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Encourage your children to talk. If they don\u2019t want to talk to you, let them know that that\u2019s okay too &#8211; they can talk to someone else: a family friend, teacher or counsellor.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"the_impact_of_grief_on_family_mediation\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\"><br \/>\nThe impact of grief on Family Mediation<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">As a family mediator myself, one of the most frustrating things I see is separating couples starting mediation when one of them (at least), just isn\u2019t ready emotionally. I\u2019m a huge advocate for mediation: it\u2019s quicker, less expensive and more person-centred than the courts. But it takes two willing participants, able to engage in the process together. When one party is still in denial, anger or depression, it makes mediation extremely difficult. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">A skilled mediator can support a reluctant participant into acceptance and engagement but that isn\u2019t the true purpose of the mediation process.\u00a0If you find that either you or your ex aren\u2019t ready for mediation, a good counsellor or therapist can help you work with your grief first. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"negotiation_in_the_midst_of_grief\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Negotiation in the midst of grief<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Negotiation in the midst of grief is challenging, whether that\u2019s happening in Family Mediation or not.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Denial, anger and depression can mean that one or sometimes both parties fail to engage. They bury their heads in the sand. They don\u2019t respond to requests for mediation, disclosure or conversations about the children. And sometimes the person shutting things down might be you. One party might be keen to discuss the children and the other will only engage about money &#8211; that\u2019s not necessarily because that\u2019s all they care about it\u2019s because in grief we can only deal with what feels safe and certain. For some that\u2019s cold hard cash.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Where possible, avoid negotiating when either of you are in the midst of grief. It tends not to bring the best out of us. We can be irrational and unable to compromise. Of course, if you have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/creating-a-divorce-plan-part-1\/\"><span class=\"s2\">a divorce plan<\/span><\/a>, it\u2019ll be easier for you because you\u2019ll be able to refer back to that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"the_grief_cycle_and_high_conflict_personalities\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\"><br \/>\nThe grief cycle and high conflict personalities<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">High conflict personalities are already shut off from their emotions which makes dealing with the grief cycle doubly hard \u2013 for you and them. They aren\u2019t able to work with their emotions, so it\u2019s likely they\u2019ll lash out. You\u2019ll experience their grief as anger, blame and resistance. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">For individuals with abandonment issues, being \u2018left\u2019 is crushing, humiliating and scary. For some, the end of the divorce process doesn\u2019t mean acceptance and the end of their anger &#8211; it may go on for years.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The narcissistic personality will not have any ability to empathise with your feelings, even as time goes on. This may make your own grief cycles far more complex. Not only are you grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had, you grieve for the parent your children won\u2019t have, and the loss of a peaceful co-existence once divorced. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you are separating someone with a high conflict personality, it\u2019s important to get as much emotional support around you as possible. I highly recommend therapy to help you with your own grief and establish boundaries so you\u2019re not managing your ex\u2019s grief as well. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"the_6th_stage_of_grief\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">The 6th Stage of grief <\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">David Kessler talks about the 6th Stage of grief: finding meaning. He sees meaning as a way to help us heal and move on. What meaning or purpose can you find in your marriage? Perhaps your marriage was great at the start and gave you great memories. Perhaps it was miserable all the way through, but has taught you lessons about what you don\u2019t want and need in your life. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What did your marriage give you? Your children? Experiences, networks and friendships? Resilience and strength you didn\u2019t know you had? Finding meaning in the marriage and its end allows you to find peace. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you are struggling with grief, I strongly encourage you to reach out for support. A good therapist or counsellor can help you work through your emotions. If you want someone to listen and understand as you try to make sense of your divorce and plan for the future, I can help. It is far easier to work through emotions and ideas with a trusted, professional confidante. And it\u2019ll save a tonne of money in solicitor\u2019s fees too.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"> Just <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span class=\"s2\">book in a chat<\/span><\/a> to see how I can help you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The Grief Cycle and how it plays out in your divorce We don\u2019t just experience grief when people die. Grief shows up for any loss \u2013 and even if divorce is right for your future, it\u2019s totally valid to grieve the loss of your marriage. Even when divorce is your idea, you can be hit [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":13147,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<h1 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The Grief Cycle and how it plays out in your divorce<\/span><\/h1><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">We don\u2019t just experience grief when people die. Grief shows up for any loss \u2013 and even if divorce is right for your future, it\u2019s totally valid to grieve the loss of your marriage. Even when divorce is your idea, you can be hit with waves of grief: sudden, violent and unexpected. And they don\u2019t just affect you. Grief impacts your soon-to-be-ex-husband and your children too. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In this blog, we look at the various ways grief may manifest and tips for managing both yourself and others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is the grief cycle?<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Whilst everyone experiences grief differently, there are stages we all pass through. And grief isn\u2019t a one-way ticket either \u2013 you may find yourself jumping back and forth through them as you work through your grief.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Originally developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the 1960s, the grief cycle is made up of five stages:<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 1: Shock and denial<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 2: Anger<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 3: Bargaining<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 4: Depression<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Stage 5: Acceptance<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\"><br \/>What each of these stages looks like can be different for everyone. Your experience of depression might be carrying on as normal, but shutting out all emotional support. For someone else it might be late nights and too much booze. The point is to recognise that grief will affect you every step of the way as you go through your divorce. And while it may be hard, it\u2019s necessary. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">You and your grief<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">We feel loss in many areas of life and the end of your marriage is a big one. You may grieve the loss of connection, friendship and intimacy you once enjoyed with your spouse. Conversely, your grief may be for the lack of connection and intimacy that longed for but never had. Both of these are valid and real.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Generally speaking, the instigator of the divorce will be further ahead in the grief cycle than the other person. Perhaps you \u2018put off\u2019 divorce for several months, years or even decades. You didn\u2019t want to accept the reality of your situation and how unhappy you\u2019d become. You hoped that things would change. Perhaps you tried to make it change. Counselling, holidays, initiating romance - you name it, you did it. You just weren\u2019t quite ready to accept your marriage was over. What you were experiencing is denial.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Perhaps you were confronted by the irrefutable evidence that your ex was in an emotionally or physically inappropriate relationship with another person. It shocked you to the core and then you buried it deep and vowed to \u2018try harder\u2019 as a wife. But you were miserable and over-functioning.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Then you decided to get real with yourself. You decided to put an end to the charade and move forward - because you know you deserve it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So you thought you\u2019d come to \u2018acceptance\u2019 then, bam, you get hit with waves of grief. You thought that you were \u2018over this\u2019. The reality is, you\u2019ll go round the grief cycle several times on your divorce journey. You\u2019ll be triggered sometimes by the obvious - Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries. Other times by pieces of music, scents and phrases. TV shows and other everyday things.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">With grief, expect the unexpected.<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When grief arrives, allow it. Ride the waves as they happen. In allowing and feeling you\u2019ll process it more deeply and move through with greater ease.\u00a0Perhaps the sense of loss will never entirely disappear. But you will get to a point where it doesn\u2019t feel so overwhelming. Where the positive things your future holds outweigh your sadness.<\/span><\/p><h2>Him and his grief<\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019re the instigator of your divorce and you\u2019ve experienced at least one wave of acceptance, you\u2019re likely to feel a sense of relief and clarity alongside the pain of grief. But your soon-to-ex might still be in blissful ignorance - either because they have no awareness of your feelings, or they\u2019re in denial you\u2019ll actually initiate separation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Sometimes, the particularly arrogant soon-to-be-ex will \u2018humour you\u2019 and either move out or support your decision to leave - because they think you\u2019re going to come back. Now, to be fair, that might be because you\u2019ve done it before. But you\u2019re serious this time. How\u2019s that going to play out? <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Your ex is going to get a shock. They might become angry telling you that you can\u2019t do this. It\u2019ll be \u2018Armageddon\u2019, you won\u2019t cope.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">They\u2019re behind you on the grief curve right now. And that\u2019s their business, not yours. You need to keep your grief curve and theirs separate. Understanding that their grief curve is not your responsibility is essential. Yes, you may feel for them, yes you may be sad they\u2019re hurting right now, but it\u2019s not like you haven\u2019t been asking them to listen, asking them to make changes. They\u2019ve chosen not to. We spend many hours with our children teaching them that actions have consequences - this isn\u2019t any different. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You are responsible for you. Your ex is responsible for themselves.<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Children and the manifestation of grief<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Grief can manifest itself in children in different ways. They may not see that their emotions stem from grief, but they\u2019ve lost something too, and they will express that in their behaviour. They\u2019ve lost the family as they know it and it will take time for them to adjust. They may refuse to engage in conversations about changes to the family set up, in denial that things will need to be different. Other children will have accepted the end of your marriage before you!<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Each of your children will experience their grief differently. You may notice them \u2018bargaining\u2019 with you, promising to be \u2018better\u2019 if you get back together. It\u2019s important to let your children know that there is nothing that they could have done differently - that the end of your marriage is nothing to do with them.\u00a0It\u2019s not their fault. And remember, all the research shows that \u2018staying together for the children\u2019 is never a good idea \u2013 your children will not benefit from you staying in a bad marriage in the long run, however unhappy they are right now at your separation. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Some children express their anger by acting out. They are rebellious, rude and disrespectful because they are hurting. Others may become silent, withdrawn and show signs of depression - all similar behaviours that we as adults can exhibit in grief.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Encourage your children to talk. If they don\u2019t want to talk to you, let them know that that\u2019s okay too - they can talk to someone else: a family friend, teacher or counsellor.<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\"><br \/>The impact of grief on Family Mediation<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">As a family mediator myself, one of the most frustrating things I see is separating couples starting mediation when one of them (at least), just isn\u2019t ready emotionally. I\u2019m a huge advocate for mediation: it\u2019s quicker, less expensive and more person-centred than the courts. But it takes two willing participants, able to engage in the process together. When one party is still in denial, anger or depression, it makes mediation extremely difficult. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">A skilled mediator can support a reluctant participant into acceptance and engagement but that isn\u2019t the true purpose of the mediation process.\u00a0If you find that either you or your ex aren\u2019t ready for mediation, a good counsellor or therapist can help you work with your grief first. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Negotiation in the midst of grief<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Negotiation in the midst of grief is challenging, whether that\u2019s happening in Family Mediation or not.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Denial, anger and depression can mean that one or sometimes both parties fail to engage. They bury their heads in the sand. They don\u2019t respond to requests for mediation, disclosure or conversations about the children. And sometimes the person shutting things down might be you. One party might be keen to discuss the children and the other will only engage about money - that\u2019s not necessarily because that\u2019s all they care about it\u2019s because in grief we can only deal with what feels safe and certain. For some that\u2019s cold hard cash.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Where possible, avoid negotiating when either of you are in the midst of grief. It tends not to bring the best out of us. We can be irrational and unable to compromise. Of course, if you have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/creating-a-divorce-plan-part-1\/\"><span class=\"s2\">a divorce plan<\/span><\/a>, it\u2019ll be easier for you because you\u2019ll be able to refer back to that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\"><br \/>The grief cycle and high conflict personalities<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">High conflict personalities are already shut off from their emotions which makes dealing with the grief cycle doubly hard \u2013 for you and them. They aren\u2019t able to work with their emotions, so it\u2019s likely they\u2019ll lash out. You\u2019ll experience their grief as anger, blame and resistance. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">For individuals with abandonment issues, being \u2018left\u2019 is crushing, humiliating and scary. For some, the end of the divorce process doesn\u2019t mean acceptance and the end of their anger - it may go on for years.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The narcissistic personality will not have any ability to empathise with your feelings, even as time goes on. This may make your own grief cycles far more complex. Not only are you grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had, you grieve for the parent your children won\u2019t have, and the loss of a peaceful co-existence once divorced. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you are separating someone with a high conflict personality, it\u2019s important to get as much emotional support around you as possible. I highly recommend therapy to help you with your own grief and establish boundaries so you\u2019re not managing your ex\u2019s grief as well. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The 6th Stage of grief <\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">David Kessler talks about the 6th Stage of grief: finding meaning. He sees meaning as a way to help us heal and move on. What meaning or purpose can you find in your marriage? Perhaps your marriage was great at the start and gave you great memories. Perhaps it was miserable all the way through, but has taught you lessons about what you don\u2019t want and need in your life. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What did your marriage give you? Your children? Experiences, networks and friendships? Resilience and strength you didn\u2019t know you had? Finding meaning in the marriage and its end allows you to find peace. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you are struggling with grief, I strongly encourage you to reach out for support. A good therapist or counsellor can help you work through your emotions. If you want someone to listen and understand as you try to make sense of your divorce and plan for the future, I can help. It is far easier to work through emotions and ideas with a trusted, professional confidante. And it\u2019ll save a tonne of money in solicitor\u2019s fees too.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"> Just <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span class=\"s2\">book in a chat<\/span><\/a> to see how I can help you.<\/span><\/p><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12,397,1,301],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12795","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-divorce-self-care","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-podcast"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/grief-blog.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-3kn","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12795","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12795"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12795\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13147"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12795"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12795"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12795"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}