[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
Full of dread for the Christmas season? It\u2019s understandable. The combination of schmaltz, nostalgia and the cold realities of divorce can crumble even the most practical-minded of us. As a trauma-responsive divorce coach, I want you to have space for those feelings this Christmas, and move forward too. If you\u2019re feeling lonely this Christmas, here are 5 actions to take now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n As the CEO of your divorce and your own life you get to decide. If you need to hunker down and cry by yourself this year, it really is okay. You don\u2019t have to pretend to be happy when you\u2019re not. Life is not picture-perfect all the time. You might be heartbroken to be without your children. You might be grieving Christmases from happier times with your ex, and mourning Christmases you thought would happen but now won\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n If this is a Christmas to grieve, go with the flow. Allow yourself that time with grace and self-compassion. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ll do it every year. This too will pass.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n You may notice resistance from those around you \u2013 friends and well-meaning family who are horrified that you want to be alone. Remember, that\u2019s their business, not yours. You don\u2019t have to be a \u2018good girl\u2019 and please them, or put on a front. Thank them politely and firmly tell them what you want and need for yourself this year. Let them know that you might change your mind and join the party at the last minute (and that\u2019s ok too)!<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re like many of my clients, you\u2019d be able to tell me all sorts of horror stories about Christmases gone by. A house crowded with people, arguments and thankless chores. In the December run-up to the big day it\u2019s easy to forget that reality, and piece together a rosy Christmas past that was amazing, by borrowing 20 minutes from 2019, an hour from 2023\u2026. Times when you did have fun, yes, but if you\u2019re honest, you were surrounded by a whole load of misery, guilt and loneliness too. You were probably retreading the patterns of many dysfunctional generations and family dynamics!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Recall the reality of Christmas past for what it was \u2013 good and bad. Yes, it\u2019s fine to mourn the loss of the happy times. But the price you paid for those was an unhealthy marriage. And now you have created the space for some new, future traditions. Ones that you perhaps can\u2019t even imagine yet. Maybe it\u2019s too soon. But hold onto the fact that a new, happy, healthy version of Christmas is open to you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n You get to decide what you do over the holidays. If you have children and they are spending some of the time elsewhere, fill the gap with activities you choose, entirely for yourself. Things that in the past you\u2019d have loved to do but couldn\u2019t because they weren\u2019t child-friendly. A last minute winter sun break? Volunteering at the shelter? A massive night out with work that you always used to say no to?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If you stay at home, you are bound by precisely zero Christmas traditions. Want to stay in bed all day with a pile of books, a bottle of prosecco and boxes of chocolates? Do it. Bangers and mash for lunch? Fine! You\u2019re CEO of your life and divorce and the only rules are the ones you make for yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Many of my clients feel as though they are out of sync with their married friends. They imagine everyone else is having wholesome family time with hot chocolate and matching PJs, while they\u2019re stuck sobbing alone in front of Netflix. The best way to break the shame and stigma of this lonely feeling is to address it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re dreading spending long days and evenings on your own, be vulnerable and say so. Text a friend and say \u201cSteve\u2019s got the children this Christmas and I\u2019m dreading it. Are you free on 23rd for an hour for a walk or a glass of wine?\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n Yes, Christmas is a busy time of year – especially for those people with big families. But there are many of us for whom it doesn\u2019t feel like that. I know because I\u2019m one of them! Sometimes it just takes someone to speak the truth and break the spell.<\/span><\/p>\n And even for your friends who are caught up with a big family Christmas, I bet they will be desperate for some time out with friends, away from the chaos and pressure. So even if she can\u2019t make that glass of wine on 23rd December, you can get a date in together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The greatest gift you can give yourself this Christmas is permission. What do I mean by that? I mean permission to:<\/span><\/p>\n For all of us, Christmas is a time to replenish. It\u2019s a time to think about what we need, and honour that. You are the CEO of your divorce and life. I\u2019m not here to tell you to pull yourself together and stop being sad and lonely! I am here to remind you that you can be lonely, and many other things as well. You can be lonely, and be a good friend. You can be lonely, and know that going for a walk in the December sun will heal your body and soul a little. You can be sad, and notice a glimmer of hope that actually, you can reclaim Christmas for yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re spending Christmas alone, the most important gift you can give yourself is the truth that you are worthy of your own care, nurture, kindness and respect.<\/span><\/p>\n If you want to join a community of women who get it, because they\u2019re going through the same right now, come and join From just \u00a397 a month, be part of a community to share celebrations and worries, cut out the noise and get my direct support on moving your divorce forward.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So if you want to relax and look forward to the future in 2026, come and join us <\/span>in <\/span>The Absolute Academy!<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.4″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released \u2018Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?\u2019<\/p>\n Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Lonely this Christmas? 5 actions to take now Full of dread for the Christmas season? It\u2019s understandable. The combination of schmaltz, nostalgia and the cold realities of divorce can crumble even the most practical-minded of us. As a trauma-responsive divorce coach, I want you to have space for those feelings this Christmas, and move forward […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19899,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" There are plenty of \u2018blue Christmas\u2019 songs for us to sob our hearts out to over the festive season. Think Bridget Jones and a bottle of wine - you get the picture. And whether this is your first Christmas after separation or your tenth, you may feel like going all-out Bridget. But what we tell ourselves becomes our reality. Yes - the dreaded self-fulfilling prophecy again.<\/span><\/p> Whether you\u2019ll be lonely this Christmas is as much to do with your attitude and your state of mind as whether you spend it alone or not. How you handle Christmas is within your gift (pun intended). Here\u2019s how to choose. <\/span><\/p> As the CEO of your divorce and your own life you get to decide. If you really do want to hunker down and cry it really is okay. You don\u2019t have to pretend to be happy when you\u2019re not. Life is not picture-perfect all the time. You might be heartbroken to be without your children. You might be grieving Christmases from happier times with your ex, and mourning Christmases you thought would happen but now won\u2019t. <\/span><\/p> If this is your Christmas to grieve, go with the flow. Allow yourself that time with grace and self-compassion. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ll do it every year.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> You may notice resistance from those around you - friends and well-meaning family who are horrified that you want to be alone. Remember, that\u2019s their business, not yours. You don\u2019t have to be a \u2018good girl\u2019 and please them. Thank them politely and firmly tell them what you want and need for yourself this year. Let them know that you might change your mind and join the party at the last minute (and that\u2019s ok too)!<\/span><\/p> You get to decide what you do over the holidays. If you have children and they are spending some of the holidays elsewhere, fill the gap with activities you choose, entirely for yourself. Things that in the past you\u2019d have loved to do but couldn\u2019t because they weren\u2019t child-friendly. <\/span><\/p> If you know that getting out rather than hunkering down is what you need \u2013 do it. Reach out to friends, let them know. You\u2019ll be surprised at how many people will be feeling the same need to connect. Or even get away \u2013 last minute winter sun? Volunteering opportunities? House or pet sitting in a different part of the country you\u2019ve always wanted to visit? <\/span><\/p> If you stay at home, you are bound by precisely zero Christmas traditions. Want to stay in bed all day with a pile of books, a bottle of prosecco and boxes of chocolates? Do it. Bangers and mash for lunch? Fine! You\u2019re CEO and the only rules are the ones you make for yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If you\u2019re like many of my clients, if I asked you in September or January you\u2019d recall miserable family Christmases of yesteryear. A house full of people, arguments and thankless chores. In December it\u2019s easy to forget that reality, and piece together a rosy Christmas past that was amazing, by borrowing 20 minutes from 2015, an hour from 2017.... Times when you did have fun, yes, but if you\u2019re honest, were surrounded by a whole load of misery, guilt and loneliness too. <\/span><\/p> Recall the reality of Christmas past for what it was \u2013 good and bad. How can you make Christmas happier for yourself this Christmas and in future? What traditions will you keep, and modify if need be? What will you start doing? Importantly, what will you stop doing?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If you\u2019re used to a house full of children, it can feel really odd when they aren\u2019t there. You miss the noise and hub-bub. You may even miss some of the bickering and arguing! Equally, if you don\u2019t have children, you may miss having your ex\u2019s family around \u2013 even if you didn\u2019t get on with them all that well. <\/span><\/p> Sometimes, we miss the noise and busyness because we feel uncomfortable with ourselves. Dealing with other people means we don\u2019t have to focus on ourselves - ouch!<\/span><\/p> Notice your self-talk in the silence. What\u2019s it saying to you? What messages are you giving yourself? Where is the evidence that any of that is true?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Use the time you have to be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself. Make plans without getting distracted. Get out a notebook or piece of paper and write at the top \u2018What do I want from 2020?\u2019. Then sit down and write. You may find you distract yourself (reaching for the phone, making a cup of coffee, getting caught up in a twitter spat)\u2026 this is evidence that you will benefit from doing this exercise even more! If you find it hard to focus, set a timer for 20 minutes and try to stick to that. <\/span><\/p> The greatest gift is giving to yourself first. You may have read this before, but it\u2019s true: you need to put your own oxygen mask on first, just like they tell you before the plane takes off. When you do this, you have more to give to others, whether your children, friends and family. Everyone wins. <\/span><\/p> Your time out may be a few hours, a few days or even a week or two. Use the time you have in a way that works for you. Planning will help you enjoy and make the most of that time. If you\u2019re feeling frazzled right now, it\u2019ll give you something to look forward to!<\/span><\/p> Time out of work and responsibility is truly a gift. If you are going to be with loved ones, let them have the gift of nurturing you. You deserve it. Learning to receive is as important as learning to give. <\/span><\/p> Receiving any support that is offered allows both of you to experience the magic of human connection - giving and receiving is beautiful. And it\u2019s what Christmas is about. If you\u2019re spending Christmas alone, the most important gift you can give yourself is the truth that you are worthy of your own care, nurture, kindness and respect. <\/span><\/p> In January 2020 the monthly investment for the Absolute Academy is increasing to \u00a3147 per month for new members. That means that if you are an existing member, you continue to pay the price you joined at. So, if you want to lock in the \u00a397 per month price, join now. You'll receive a 20% discount on working with me 1:1 should you need to. You'll have access to me 7 days a week via Facebook and get to have your divorce questions answered live on the Friday live stream. With legal advice costing at least \u00a3250 per hour and your solicitor charging you on average \u00a322-\u00a330 for every email they send, joining the Absolute Academy can save you thousands. You can join here The Absolute Academy<\/a>\u00a0 - if you have any questions about how membership can support you, drop me a line.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p> \u00a0<\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[42,397],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12981","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-christmas","category-divorce-self-care"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/Lonely-this-Christmas.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-3nn","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12981","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12981"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12981\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19899"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12981"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12981"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12981"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Allow yourself to be sad<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Get honest about the past<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Reset Christmas this year<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Be honest with friends<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Give yourself the greatest gift<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Join the Absolute Academy this Christmas<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Lonely this Christmas?<\/span><\/h1>
It\u2019s my party and I\u2019ll cry if I want to<\/span><\/h2>
Christmas your way<\/span><\/h2>
<\/span>No rose-tinted glasses <\/span><\/h2>Enjoy your own company<\/span><\/h2>
The greatest gift<\/span><\/h2>
The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/h2>