[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
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What if you took 100% responsibility for your divorce?<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cSorry! What?!\u201d You say. \u201cBut it\u2019s not my fault!\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I\u2019m serious.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t mean what you think it means. And it has the power to change everything, both now and in the future.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n We often equate \u2018responsibility\u2019 with \u2018blame\u2019 in the context of divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2018It\u2019s his fault.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018It\u2019s her fault\u2019<\/p>\n Or<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t my fault.\u2019<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Although it\u2019s tempting to meander down blame lane, none of these are helpful statements. They are expensive though.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n What do I mean? Blame and anger are expensive commodities in the world of divorce. They burn up a LOT of time, energy and money. And they don\u2019t move you forward, because they focus on the past. They only benefit the lawyers who referee the fall-out and charge for the privilege. Sometimes even your lawyers get bored \u2013 believe me, if they wanted to work in emotional support and relationship management they wouldn\u2019t have gone into law.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Responsibility is power. It\u2019s being aware of your rights, your options. And it gives you the ability to respond. Importantly, it\u2019s not about blame of self or anyone else. Responsibility is about being able to deal with what is right now in an emotionally appropriate way. It\u2019s about seeing what is, what needs to be done and doing it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Taking responsibility doesn\u2019t mean that you are letting someone \u2018off the hook\u2019 for their poor behaviour, it means that you respond to the situation caused <\/em>by the behaviour and not the behaviour itself. You are not his mother so it’s not for you to deal with his behaviour.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Taking responsibility doesn\u2019t require you to \u2018forgive and forget\u2019 or any other vomit-inducing clich\u00e9 you care to think of. No. Taking responsibility puts you as the captain of your ship, the CEO of your divorce<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n You know that the phrase \u2018yes, but\u2019 is a negator right? It actually means \u2018no\u2019. So if you\u2019ve read the first paragraphs of this blog and you said \u201cyes, but\u201d even in your head, you have more work to do.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n What if the fact that he caused the breakdown of your marriage was just a fact? A fact without any emotion? Just as night follows day? A fact without emotion is just a fact. It\u2019s not loaded. It\u2019s not a bomb waiting to go off. You can respond to facts much more calmly and this allows you to make much better decisions, and it costs you less both emotionally and financially.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you take responsibility you put yourself in a position to respond calmly, not react. You are in control. Emotions aren\u2019t knocking you about. It\u2019s the difference between crossing a raging river with a calm, strong bridge to hold you, versus sliding around on slippy stepping stones as the waters whip at your feet and pull you down.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Facts are solid ground. Emotions are powerful, and they need to be acknowledged, processed and accepted. But they aren\u2019t the best basis for taking charge of what needs to be done to get you to where you need to be.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Remember that taking responsibility is not<\/em> about taking the blame. It\u2019s about responding in your full power to the situation, as it is now. When you take not just 50% but 100% responsibility it all comes down to you but in a good and powerful way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n In taking 100% responsibility, you stop worrying about what your ex is or isn\u2019t doing. You stop obsessing about what they\u2019re thinking or feeling or whether they\u2019ll agree to this or that.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you take 100% responsibility you just start doing. You find your divorce groove and you stay in your lane. Focused. Confident. On a mission.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Need to get that divorce plan done? Do it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Pension statements? On it!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n House valued? All under control.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Figuring out your future income need? You are working on it without having a total freak out about his response.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n His response is not your responsibility.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The biggest benefit of taking 100% responsibility in your divorce is that you free yourself emotionally. Not only do you stop waiting for your husband to conduct the divorce orchestra, you grab the baton and do it\u00a0yourself in your own way and in your own time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If there are some funky bits in the middle, so what? It\u2019s your tune now. You stop drinking from the poisoned chalice of bitterness, anger and resentment because, while that might feel comfortable, it stops you getting your divorce done.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s not about him any longer, it\u2019s about you and your needs. Your future, in your hands.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Whether you\u2019re just embarking on divorce, mid-way or stepping into your newly divorced life, you have to take responsibility for yourself first and foremost. Eating well, sleeping well, moderating your alcohol consumption – you know the drill – but do you do it? Are you exercising, meditating, seeing your therapist or going to pilates? If not, why not?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n No one can take care of you until you show yourself what it is to take care of you first. So start now. Today. What is your reality today? What needs to change? Take action – what can you do? There is always something.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It might be about your self-care \u2013 you might need more sleep, or fresh air, or someone to talk to. It might be about your divorce process \u2013 finding the bank statements you need, or responding to an email from your ex or their solicitor. Right now, there is something you can do to more your situation forward.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If I can help, let me know. Whether it\u2019s a 90 minute chat, a full day together or joining my awesome community of women in the Absolute Academy<\/a>, I can support you to show up for yourself every day, to take 100% responsibility to get your divorce done.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ready? Book in here<\/a>.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00a0What if you took 100% responsibility for your divorce? What if you took 100% responsibility for your divorce? \u201cSorry! What?!\u201d You say. \u201cBut it\u2019s not my fault!\u201d I\u2019m serious. It doesn\u2019t mean what you think it means. And it has the power to change everything, both now and in the future. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":14986,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> What if you took 100% responsibility for your divorce?<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u201cSorry! What?!\u201d You say. \u201cBut it\u2019s not my fault!\u201d<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> I\u2019m serious.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It doesn\u2019t mean what you think it means. And it has the power to change everything, both now and in the future.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> We often equate \u2018responsibility\u2019 with \u2018blame\u2019 in the context of divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u2018It\u2019s his fault.\u2019<\/p> \u2018It\u2019s her fault\u2019<\/p> Or<\/p> It wasn\u2019t my fault.\u2019<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Although it\u2019s tempting to meander down blame lane, none of these are helpful statements. They are expensive though.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> What do I mean? Blame and anger are expensive commodities in the world of divorce. They burn up a LOT of time, energy and money. And they don\u2019t move you forward, because they focus on the past. They only benefit the lawyers who referee the fall-out and charge for the privilege. Sometimes even your lawyers get bored \u2013 believe me, if they wanted to work in emotional support and relationship management they wouldn\u2019t have gone into law.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Responsibility is power. It\u2019s being aware of your rights, your options. And it gives you the ability to respond. Importantly, it\u2019s not about blame of self or anyone else. Responsibility is about being able to deal with what is right now in an emotionally appropriate way. It\u2019s about seeing what is, what needs to be done and doing it.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Taking responsibility doesn\u2019t mean that you are letting someone \u2018off the hook\u2019 for their poor behaviour, it means that you respond to the situation caused <\/em>by the behaviour and not the behaviour itself. You are not his mother so it's not for you to deal with his behaviour.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Taking responsibility doesn\u2019t require you to \u2018forgive and forget\u2019 or any other vomit-inducing clich\u00e9 you care to think of. No. Taking responsibility puts you as the captain of your ship, the CEO of your divorce<\/a>.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You know that the phrase \u2018yes, but\u2019 is a negator right? It actually means \u2018no\u2019. So if you\u2019ve read the first paragraphs of this blog and you said \u201cyes, but\u201d even in your head, you have more work to do.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> What if the fact that he caused the breakdown of your marriage was just a fact? A fact without any emotion? Just as night follows day? A fact without emotion is just a fact. It\u2019s not loaded. It\u2019s not a bomb waiting to go off. You can respond to facts much more calmly and this allows you to make much better decisions, and it costs you less both emotionally and financially.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you take responsibility you put yourself in a position to respond calmly, not react. You are in control. Emotions aren\u2019t knocking you about. It\u2019s the difference between crossing a raging river with a calm, strong bridge to hold you, versus sliding around on slippy stepping stones as the waters whip at your feet and pull you down.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Facts are solid ground. Emotions are powerful, and they need to be acknowledged, processed and accepted. But they aren\u2019t the best basis for taking charge of what needs to be done to get you to where you need to be.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Remember that taking responsibility is not<\/em> about taking the blame. It\u2019s about responding in your full power to the situation, as it is now. When you take not just 50% but 100% responsibility it all comes down to you but in a good and powerful way.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> In taking 100% responsibility, you stop worrying about what your ex is or isn\u2019t doing. You stop obsessing about what they\u2019re thinking or feeling or whether they\u2019ll agree to this or that.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you take 100% responsibility you just start doing. You find your divorce groove and you stay in your lane. Focused. Confident. On a mission.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Need to get that divorce plan done? Do it.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Pension statements? On it!<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> House valued? All under control.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Figuring out your future income need? You are working on it without having a total freak out about his response.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> His response is not your responsibility.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The biggest benefit of taking 100% responsibility in your divorce is that you free yourself emotionally. Not only do you stop waiting for your husband to conduct the divorce orchestra, you grab the baton and do it\u00a0yourself in your own way and in your own time.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If there are some funky bits in the middle, so what? It\u2019s your tune now. You stop drinking from the poisoned chalice of bitterness, anger and resentment because, while that might feel comfortable, it stops you getting your divorce done.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It\u2019s not about him any longer, it\u2019s about you and your needs. Your future, in your hands.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> Whether you\u2019re just embarking on divorce, mid-way or stepping into your newly divorced life, you have to take responsibility for yourself first and foremost. Eating well, sleeping well, moderating your alcohol consumption - you know the drill - but do you do it? Are you exercising, meditating, seeing your therapist or going to pilates? If not, why not?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> No one can take care of you until you show yourself what it is to take care of you first. So start now. Today. What is your reality today? What needs to change? Take action - what can you do? There is always something.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It might be about your self-care \u2013 you might need more sleep, or fresh air, or someone to talk to. It might be about your divorce process \u2013 finding the bank statements you need, or responding to an email from your ex or their solicitor. Right now, there is something you can do to more your situation forward.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If I can help, let me know. Whether it\u2019s a 90 minute chat, a full day together or joining my awesome community of women in the Absolute Academy<\/a>, I can support you to show up for yourself every day, to take 100% responsibility to get your divorce done.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Ready? Book in here<\/a>.<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14984","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Copy-of-Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-15.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-3TG","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14984","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14984"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14984\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14986"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14984"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14984"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14984"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Responsibility versus blame<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What is responsibility?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Yes, but it was his fault<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Choosing to take 100% responsibility<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>When you take 100% responsibility<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Free yourself emotionally<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Take responsibility for yourself<\/span><\/h2>\n
\u00a0What if you took 100% responsibility for your divorce?<\/h2>
Responsibility versus blame<\/h2>
What is responsibility?<\/h2>
Yes, but it was his fault<\/h2>
Choosing to take 100% responsibility<\/h2>
When you take 100% responsibility<\/h2>
Free yourself emotionally<\/h2>
Take responsibility for yourself<\/h2>