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We all need support in our lives. Even when we\u2019re not in the middle of something as big as divorce. In How to ask for support in your divorce <\/em>we take a look at ways in which you can get the support you need. We rely on each other all the time: we rely on the shops to stock our food. We rely on the garage to fix our car. And we wouldn\u2019t have much of a happy, relaxed or fulfilling life if we were entirely self-sufficient.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Suffering in silence sometimes feels like the only option. You tell yourself you don\u2019t want to worry friends or family, and they wouldn\u2019t get it anyway. Your thoughts and feelings are all over the place so it’s best not to say anything. You\u2019re feeling overwhelmed and having someone else involved feels like it would add to the mess.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The thing is, we are not here to suffer. Even during divorce, when the going can get tough, it\u2019s not our destiny to suffer. And humans were created to be social animals. It might not feel like it, especially if you\u2019re low, but reaching out for support is the best decision you can make \u2013 for your divorce and for yourself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Asking for what you need is important. It\u2019s acknowledging your worth, your place in the world. It is not selfish. Nor is it weak.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n To ask for what you need, you need to know yourself. We cannot expect others to know what we want and need if we don\u2019t know ourselves.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Listen to yourself first. Notice the thoughts you have – the internal chatter. What\u2019s it saying? What does it repeat over and over? Are you repeatedly saying you\u2019re tired or the children are too much? Listen. If it helps, set a timer for five minutes and write it all down, without stopping.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Then reflect. If you\u2019re tired, why is that?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Is it simply that you have no time to yourself?\u00a0 How can you get more rest, and who could support you with that? Who could take the children for a while or overnight?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Is it that you\u2019re so busy dealing with the divorce and life admin you\u2019re completely drained of energy? What can you schedule to lift you up? A date with friends? Something creative?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Dig deep into your inner voice and learn to trust yourself. Learning\u00a0how to ask for support in your divorce\u00a0<\/em>is about learning the power of saying no and yes please!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n What do you need to stop doing (even if just temporarily)? You don\u2019t have to be all things to all people all the time. It is okay to say \u2018no\u2019 to your friends, mum, sister and children. It\u2019s okay to say \u2018no\u2019 to your soon-to-be-ex too!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Saying \u2018no\u2019 can be really challenging. You feel guilty or bad or that you\u2019re letting others down. You are not – you are putting yourself first. Putting yourself first builds your resilience and strength, and actually means you\u2019re better for others too. Remember a \u2018no\u2019 is actually a \u2018yes\u2019 to something else. Something positive, that serves you, and builds you up.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n You know how much pleasure you feel when you help someone out? That feeling you get when you give to someone else just because you can? Well, other people love that too.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That means when someone offers you support say \u2018yes please\u2019. Yes, you are receiving a gift from them but you are also giving them the greatest of gifts. Everyone loves to feel helpful (as long as they are doing it willingly). A cooked meal, childcare, a lift, help with paperwork, support with moving house – all of it counts.\u00a0It strengthens your bond as friends and it lightens your load. And there will always be times in the future you can return the favour.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n People want to support you in ways that you need. So write a list. There are many benefits to a list! Firstly, it gets everything out of your head and onto paper\/your computer. That alone will feel better. You can look at that list objectively and prioritise it. Or break big tasks down into more manageable ones.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Then you can think about the support network you do have and consider who you can ask. That friend who loves cooking – ask her to batch cook some meals for you. Your brother who loves spoiling your children – ask him to have the children for a few hours. Your friend, the beauty therapist – ask her for a massage. And your friend with a van – ask him to help you move.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n People love to help and they love specific instructions \u2013 it makes it easier for them. All that help really adds up.\u00a0How to ask for support in your divorce<\/em> – be clear with you and those you ask to support you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your divorce takes up a lot of headspace and it also takes up a lot of your physical time too. There\u2019s a lot of paperwork involved. Clients often say they feel like getting a divorce is like a full-time job. When you already have a full-time job it’s doubly difficult.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Making time for you to just be is important. Eating well, getting fresh air, having plenty of rest and some time for fun is crucial to keeping your sanity. You may be going through divorce but you are still a daughter\/sister\/best friend. If finances are tight, say so. It doesn\u2019t mean you have to miss out. Girls\u2019 nights in are just as much fun as girls\u2019 nights out. Walks and talks with your friends can be free, or the price of a latte and a slice of cake.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Our mental health is not static. Our emotions can change hour to hour, even moment to moment. You can sink to the depths of despair in a heartbeat. Looking after your mental health is your responsibility so it\u2019s ok to do what you need to do to remain emotionally safe.\u00a0It\u2019s actually essential.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As we see frequently these days, social media plays a huge role in our lives – both positively and negatively. Social media can make us feel alive and connected. It can also leave us feeling alone, unloved and vilified.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If being on social media isn\u2019t supporting you, come off it. Remove apps from your phone. Shut down your privacy settings and stop stalking your soon-to-be-ex. What he thinks about you, or what he\u2019s doing is none of your business anymore. Even if he\u2019s posting pictures of himself with another woman, it’s none of your business. Don\u2019t read things about yourself and don\u2019t post about him or his new woman on social media. It never ends well. Focus on your own life. Be kind even when you don\u2019t feel like it. That shows the ultimate strength, and it turns out it\u2019s the kindest thing for you too.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019re struggling you are struggling. Own it. Reach out. Give yourself the love you need and ask for the support of others. Whether you need to call Women\u2019s Aid<\/a> or the Samaritans<\/a>, help is there if you ask. If you need to go to your GP and share how bad you are feeling right now, do it. Do it without guilt or shame. Divorce can be lonely, scary and bewildering. It\u2019s okay not to be okay.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Life is our greatest gift. It is precious and yet, it\u2019s not always easy. We don\u2019t need to compare our struggles with those of others to decide whether we are worthy of support or not. It isn\u2019t a competition. Yes, it\u2019s likely that \u2018there\u2019s always someone worse off than you\u2019 but so what? That does not make your struggles any less valid.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The darkness doesn\u2019t usually go away by ignoring it. But sharing dark thoughts shines a light onto them \u2013 and darkness doesn\u2019t do so well in the light.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n<\/span>Learn what you need<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>How to ask for support in your divorce<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Learn the power of saying \u2018no\u2019<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>Learn the power of saying \u2018yes please\u2019<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>Make a list of what you need<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Make time for you<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Monitor your mental health<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t ignore dark thoughts and feelings<\/span><\/h2>\n