[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.22″][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.25″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.1″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” hover_enabled=”0″ text_font_size=”16px” text_orientation=”justified” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″]<\/p>\n
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Have you seen the film \u2018Marriage Story<\/a>\u2019? It follows the relationship breakdown and divorce of a New York-based couple. The film begins with monologues of what the couple love about each other. Fast forward to the end of the marriage, however, and we see a very different story. While the details are different, this trajectory from love to loathing is true of many divorcing couples. So, what’s your marriage story<\/em>?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Relationship experts and research papers often talk about what makes a successful marriage. It isn\u2019t the stuff of old Disney fairytales, with all their starry-eyed princesses. Successful marriages aren\u2019t built on being in love. Research shows that the \u2018in love\u2019 experience – that heady mix of excitement, lust, rose-tinted glasses and the idea that your partner is \u2018perfect\u2019 – lasts between 12-18 months.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you think back to the start of your relationship can you pinpoint when your \u2018in love\u2019 experience began to fade? That fading isn\u2019t bad. It\u2019s a necessary part of the love experience. And love is what lasts. Remember how difficult it was to concentrate, to think about anything else and not to spend all weekend in bed?! There wasn\u2019t much time for anything else! When the \u2018in love\u2019 experience fades, true love can begin. This is the love that accepts your partner for who they really are – the one who squeezes the toothpaste in the middle, leaves the loo seat up and wet towels on the floor.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Research shows that successful marriages are built on effective communication. Effective communication is a two-way process. It\u2019s about how you express your thoughts and feelings and how you receive them from others. For effective communication, both you and your spouse need to be able to express your needs clearly and kindly and listen openly.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Does it mean those in happy marriages don\u2019t have conflict? No! There is conflict in all relationships. Relationships are made up of two individuals with sometimes competing needs and ideas – you won\u2019t agree all the time. It\u2019s how you deal with conflict that matters.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Effective communication means you can disagree without escalating. Couples who know how to \u2018fight\u2019 well keep the \u2018fight\u2019 focused on the real issue. They don\u2019t bring in other grievances (\u201cand you forgot to put the bins out last week\u201d, generalise (\u201cyou always forget everything\u201d or make it bigger than it is (\u201cyou clearly don\u2019t care about this marriage\u201d). These couples don\u2019t make it personal. They don\u2019t dramatise or catastrophise. If discussion and negotiation doesn\u2019t resolve the issue, they agree to disagree and move on. But, they hold on to their views and respect the views of their spouse.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Resentment and anger build when communication is ineffective. Frustration about not being heard or respected builds. Resentment and anger can toxify a relationship without you even realising. You get used to hiding feelings that aren\u2019t acknowledged by your spouse. It can get so bad that you numb out and stop acknowledging your feelings to yourself. You stop trying to communicate because all the evidence you\u2019ve had shows there\u2019s no point.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In Marriage Story, we learn that Nicole has wanted to move back to LA from New York for years. Her husband Charlie promised but never delivered. He wasn\u2019t listening. Resentment and anger grew, unbeknownst to Charlie who was blindsided by Nicole\u2019s desire to divorce, and even more confused when Nicole refused to go to mediation and hired an expensive lawyer.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n We all have busy lives. It\u2019s easy to stop listening. You may be thinking about how your ex stopped listening to you. When was it? What did you feel? When did you give up trying to be heard?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Or was it you that stopped listening first? Perhaps neither of you really ever listened. When you marry only based on the \u2018in love\u2019 experience, there is much work to be done to make the marriage last long term. When the \u2018in love\u2019 experience fades it\u2019s not as easy to trade your relationship in for a new one as it was in your carefree teens, looking for the next \u2018in love\u2019 hit.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Importantly, when you stop listening it\u2019s hard to accept the other person for who they really are. You\u2019re not present to them, you\u2019re distracted by other things. They matter less than they did before. The other person feels lonely and abandoned even though they may be sharing your bed every night.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps you can relate? Sadness and grief take over until anger and resentment galvanise you into action.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Even when there is effective communication in a marriage, it doesn\u2019t mean it will last. We all change and develop in our lives, and many couples naturally grow apart. What worked when you were in your early twenties just might not work for the person you\u2019ve evolved into as a forty-something.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Couples who maintain effective communication are able to sit with one another, acknowledge the relationship is over and work at separating their lives in a healthy way so that damage is limited. Family relationships are maintained, children are supported financially, and are emotionally secure in the knowledge that their parents love them. A famous version of this is the \u2018conscious uncoupling\u2019 undertaken by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Whilst I recommend caution with the conscious uncoupling approach<\/a>, amicable divorces are absolutely possible.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But when you stop listening and anger and resentment take its place, amicable divorce is a pipe dream.<\/p>\n In Marriage Story, Charlie believes that he and Nicole will have an amicable divorce. He believes this because he\u2019s totally missed her anger and resentment. When she moves to LA (just as she wanted to do with Charlie) and hires an expensive lawyer, Charlie is confused. But Charlie is still not listening and in denial. He thinks that Nicole can be reasoned with. That she\u2019ll see sense and go back to New York with their son. He hires a cheap lawyer naively believing that all will be well.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you\u2019re fuelled by anger and resentment, it\u2019s easy to let the lawyers take over. It\u2019s easy to let them make bold statements that you can hide behind. When you\u2019re angry and you feel unheard, it can feel great for a while. Until your divorce escalates out of control. Until your retainer is gone and you need to put more money on account. You realise that you\u2019re not in control anymore and the grievances you felt have somehow magnified and now there\u2019s no way back. You\u2019ve lost sight of what the real issues were in the first place.<\/p>\n Learning to let go of resentment and anger is an important step in the divorce process. Good lawyers will tell you this. Good lawyers will encourage you to seek support if you are struggling on your own. You may be lucky enough to have a lawyer who naturally supports you during the course of your communications, but remember, using your lawyer as your therapist is expensive!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Finding a way through so that your marriage story has an ending you can feel peaceful about is important. Anger, resentment and sadness can sap your energy and joy for years. If you\u2019re in a high conflict situation<\/a> you may not ever get this luxury, but that\u2019s even more reason to get support for your emotional wellbeing. In Marriage Story, Nicole and Charlie did find a way through. It took time. It took a meltdown, it took space. In the wise words of Charlie\u2019s lawyer Bert, played by the fabulous Alan Alda,<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cWhether you win or lose the two of you will have to figure this out together\u201d.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your lawyers cannot do this for you – ever.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Divorce coaching is becoming more popular here in the UK but it\u2019s still quite a new concept. I still get comments such as \u201cDivorce coach? What\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n A divorce coach like me can help you find your way through whether or not you have a lawyer for your legal representation (ideally you will have, but not every situation is ideal). Using a good divorce coach will save you a fortune on your lawyer\u2019s \u2018billable hours\u2019 that Bert talks to Charlie about.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your lawyer may or may not recommend that you use a divorce coach. Many lawyers still don\u2019t know how a divorce coach can help their clients move from a state of \u2018stuckness\u2019 to being a proactive participant in the divorce process. But there\u2019s little that frustrates a divorce lawyer more than clients who \u2018go to ground\u2019 because it\u2019s all too overwhelming. Progress halts – they are left with files open that are not generating income, they can\u2019t take on new clients, and you are faced with bills for being chased for your inaction.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the BBC One drama \u2018The Split\u2019 Ruth Defoe lectures\u00a0a group of trainee lawyers that \u201cwe [lawyers] are therapist, counsel and, most important, possibly the only running mate they have in their very darkest hour\u201d.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ruth has clearly never heard of a divorce coach! But now you have.\u00a0And we can make both your\u2019s and your divorce lawyer\u2019s lives easier.<\/p>\n A divorce coach can help you make sense of your marriage story and help you write the best ending you can for you and your children. If you have not been listened to in your marriage, it\u2019s time to be listened to now. Then you can begin to ditch the anger and resentment, and replace it with confidence, trust and clarity.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n A divorce coach will listen, and they will communicate with you with respect and kindness. They will help you step back from the overwhelm, so rather than go to ground or get caught up in an escalating drama you can coolly make the decisions that are right for you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can find out more about how I can save you time, money and your sanity by booking a call with me here<\/a>.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" What\u2019s Your Marriage Story? Have you seen the film \u2018Marriage Story\u2019? It follows the relationship breakdown and divorce of a New York-based couple. The film begins with monologues of what the couple love about each other. Fast forward to the end of the marriage, however, and we see a very different story. While the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":15884,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> Have you seen the film \u2018Marriage Story<\/a>\u2019? It follows the relationship breakdown and divorce of a New York-based couple. The film begins with monologues of what the couple love about each other. Fast forward to the end of the marriage, however, and we see a very different story. While the details are different, this trajectory from love to loathing is true of many divorcing couples. So, what's your marriage story<\/em>?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Relationship experts and research papers often talk about what makes a successful marriage. It isn\u2019t the stuff of old Disney fairytales, with all their starry-eyed princesses. Successful marriages aren\u2019t built on being in love. Research shows that the \u2018in love\u2019 experience - that heady mix of excitement, lust, rose-tinted glasses and the idea that your partner is \u2018perfect\u2019 - lasts between 12-18 months.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you think back to the start of your relationship can you pinpoint when your \u2018in love\u2019 experience began to fade? That fading isn\u2019t bad. It\u2019s a necessary part of the love experience. And love is what lasts. Remember how difficult it was to concentrate, to think about anything else and not to spend all weekend in bed?! There wasn\u2019t much time for anything else! When the \u2018in love\u2019 experience fades, true love can begin. This is the love that accepts your partner for who they really are - the one who squeezes the toothpaste in the middle, leaves the loo seat up and wet towels on the floor.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Research shows that successful marriages are built on effective communication. Effective communication is a two-way process. It\u2019s about how you express your thoughts and feelings and how you receive them from others. For effective communication, both you and your spouse need to be able to express your needs clearly and kindly and listen openly.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Does it mean those in happy marriages don\u2019t have conflict? No! There is conflict in all relationships. Relationships are made up of two individuals with sometimes competing needs and ideas - you won\u2019t agree all the time. It\u2019s how you deal with conflict that matters.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Effective communication means you can disagree without escalating. Couples who know how to \u2018fight\u2019 well keep the \u2018fight\u2019 focused on the real issue. They don\u2019t bring in other grievances (\u201cand you forgot to put the bins out last week\u201d, generalise (\u201cyou always forget everything\u201d or make it bigger than it is (\u201cyou clearly don\u2019t care about this marriage\u201d). These couples don\u2019t make it personal. They don\u2019t dramatise or catastrophise. If discussion and negotiation doesn\u2019t resolve the issue, they agree to disagree and move on. But, they hold on to their views and respect the views of their spouse.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Resentment and anger build when communication is ineffective. Frustration about not being heard or respected builds. Resentment and anger can toxify a relationship without you even realising. You get used to hiding feelings that aren\u2019t acknowledged by your spouse. It can get so bad that you numb out and stop acknowledging your feelings to yourself. You stop trying to communicate because all the evidence you\u2019ve had shows there\u2019s no point.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> In Marriage Story, we learn that Nicole has wanted to move back to LA from New York for years. Her husband Charlie promised but never delivered. He wasn\u2019t listening. Resentment and anger grew, unbeknownst to Charlie who was blindsided by Nicole\u2019s desire to divorce, and even more confused when Nicole refused to go to mediation and hired an expensive lawyer.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> We all have busy lives. It\u2019s easy to stop listening. You may be thinking about how your ex stopped listening to you. When was it? What did you feel? When did you give up trying to be heard?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Or was it you that stopped listening first? Perhaps neither of you really ever listened. When you marry only based on the \u2018in love\u2019 experience, there is much work to be done to make the marriage last long term. When the \u2018in love\u2019 experience fades it\u2019s not as easy to trade your relationship in for a new one as it was in your carefree teens, looking for the next \u2018in love\u2019 hit.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Importantly, when you stop listening it\u2019s hard to accept the other person for who they really are. You\u2019re not present to them, you\u2019re distracted by other things. They matter less than they did before. The other person feels lonely and abandoned even though they may be sharing your bed every night.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps you can relate? Sadness and grief take over until anger and resentment galvanise you into action.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Even when there is effective communication in a marriage, it doesn\u2019t mean it will last. We all change and develop in our lives, and many couples naturally grow apart. What worked when you were in your early twenties just might not work for the person you\u2019ve evolved into as a forty-something.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Couples who maintain effective communication are able to sit with one another, acknowledge the relationship is over and work at separating their lives in a healthy way so that damage is limited. Family relationships are maintained, children are supported financially, and are emotionally secure in the knowledge that their parents love them. A famous version of this is the \u2018conscious uncoupling\u2019 undertaken by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Whilst I recommend caution with the conscious uncoupling approach<\/a>, amicable divorces are absolutely possible.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> But when you stop listening and anger and resentment take its place, amicable divorce is a pipe dream.<\/p> In Marriage Story, Charlie believes that he and Nicole will have an amicable divorce. He believes this because he\u2019s totally missed her anger and resentment. When she moves to LA (just as she wanted to do with Charlie) and hires an expensive lawyer, Charlie is confused. But Charlie is still not listening and in denial. He thinks that Nicole can be reasoned with. That she\u2019ll see sense and go back to New York with their son. He hires a cheap lawyer naively believing that all will be well.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you\u2019re fuelled by anger and resentment, it\u2019s easy to let the lawyers take over. It\u2019s easy to let them make bold statements that you can hide behind. When you\u2019re angry and you feel unheard, it can feel great for a while. Until your divorce escalates out of control. Until your retainer is gone and you need to put more money on account. You realise that you\u2019re not in control anymore and the grievances you felt have somehow magnified and now there\u2019s no way back. You\u2019ve lost sight of what the real issues were in the first place.<\/p> Learning to let go of resentment and anger is an important step in the divorce process. Good lawyers will tell you this. Good lawyers will encourage you to seek support if you are struggling on your own. You may be lucky enough to have a lawyer who naturally supports you during the course of your communications, but remember, using your lawyer as your therapist is expensive!<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Finding a way through so that your marriage story has an ending you can feel peaceful about is important. Anger, resentment and sadness can sap your energy and joy for years. If you\u2019re in a high conflict situation<\/a> you may not ever get this luxury, but that\u2019s even more reason to get support for your emotional wellbeing. In Marriage Story, Nicole and Charlie did find a way through. It took time. It took a meltdown, it took space. In the wise words of Charlie\u2019s lawyer Bert, played by the fabulous Alan Alda,<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u201cWhether you win or lose the two of you will have to figure this out together\u201d.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Your lawyers cannot do this for you - ever.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Divorce coaching is becoming more popular here in the UK but it\u2019s still quite a new concept. I still get comments such as \u201cDivorce coach? What\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> A divorce coach like me can help you find your way through whether or not you have a lawyer for your legal representation (ideally you will have, but not every situation is ideal). Using a good divorce coach will save you a fortune on your lawyer\u2019s \u2018billable hours\u2019 that Bert talks to Charlie about.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Your lawyer may or may not recommend that you use a divorce coach. Many lawyers still don\u2019t know how a divorce coach can help their clients move from a state of \u2018stuckness\u2019 to being a proactive participant in the divorce process. But there\u2019s little that frustrates a divorce lawyer more than clients who \u2018go to ground\u2019 because it\u2019s all too overwhelming. Progress halts - they are left with files open that are not generating income, they can\u2019t take on new clients, and you are faced with bills for being chased for your inaction.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> In the BBC One drama \u2018The Split\u2019 Ruth Defoe lectures\u00a0a group of trainee lawyers that \u201cwe [lawyers] are therapist, counsel and, most important, possibly the only running mate they have in their very darkest hour\u201d.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Ruth has clearly never heard of a divorce coach! But now you have.\u00a0And we can make both your\u2019s and your divorce lawyer\u2019s lives easier.<\/p> A divorce coach can help you make sense of your marriage story and help you write the best ending you can for you and your children. If you have not been listened to in your marriage, it\u2019s time to be listened to now. Then you can begin to ditch the anger and resentment, and replace it with confidence, trust and clarity.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> A divorce coach will listen, and they will communicate with you with respect and kindness. They will help you step back from the overwhelm, so rather than go to ground or get caught up in an escalating drama you can coolly make the decisions that are right for you.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You can find out more about how I can save you time, money and your sanity by booking a call with me here<\/a>.<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p> \u00a0<\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12,20,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15883","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-divorce-coaching","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/Copy-of-Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-21.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-48b","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15883","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15883"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15883\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15884"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15883"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15883"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15883"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>The \u2018in love\u2019 experience<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Effective communication<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Resentment and anger<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>When you\u00a0stop listening<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Not every marriage lasts<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>When lawyers take over<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Learn to let go<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Find a way through<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Support that can help you<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Using a divorce coach<\/span><\/h2>\n
What\u2019s Your Marriage Story?<\/h1>
The \u2018in love\u2019 experience<\/h2>
Effective communication<\/h2>
Resentment and anger<\/h2>
When you\u00a0stop listening<\/h2>
Not every marriage lasts<\/h2>
When lawyers take over<\/h2>
Learn to let go<\/h2>
Find a way through<\/h2>
Support that can help you<\/h2>
Using a divorce coach<\/h2>