{"id":15930,"date":"2020-04-27T06:53:59","date_gmt":"2020-04-27T05:53:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=15930"},"modified":"2023-08-14T11:12:27","modified_gmt":"2023-08-14T10:12:27","slug":"how-to-divorce-proof-your-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-divorce-proof-your-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"How to divorce-proof your relationship during lockdown"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221;][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.21.0&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; header_2_text_color=&#8221;#c984a4&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; text_orientation=&#8221;justified&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Divorce-proof your relationship? You might think, as a Divorce Coach, my goal in life and business is to get as many women happily divorced as possible. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Not true. The goal of my business is to help as many women as possible live happy and fulfilled lives. That might be as a divorced woman. It might be as a married woman. Yes, I work with people who are exploring, or who have decided to, divorce. Not every client will go on to get divorced though. To divorce-proof a relationship self-awareness and reflection are required.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">For some women, divorce seems like the answer when they are feeling lonely, frustrated, unheard and unfulfilled. It can be an answer. Equally, it may be that you and your spouse can resolve your issues and work through all those difficult emotions. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Lockdown tends to magnify the stresses we already had going on in our lives. If you were already frustrated that you were doing most of the parenting, or your other half never puts a load of washing on, or remembers birthdays, then being cooped up together will bring those issues even more to the fore. There are lots of couples all over the globe swearing under their breath (or not under their breath!) at their inconsiderate partner. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s not always true that relationships are irretrievable. If you loved and cared for each other well before, there\u2019s every chance that you can get back to that \u2013 with some emotional and practical work on both sides. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In <i>How to divorce-proof your relationship during lockdown <\/i>I share the lessons learned from working with women who found a way to make their marriage the fulfilling, happy union they had always wanted. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"prioritise_talking\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Prioritise talking<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">These are crazy times indeed. If you\u2019re feeling all over the place: emotions up and down like a rollercoaster, \u2018what ifs\u2019 blasting away in your skull, you\u2019re not alone, and it\u2019s totally normal. It does mean, though, that\u2019s both harder than ever to communicate with loved ones well, and more important than ever.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s important to be deliberate \u2013 to create time and space to talk. If you have children around you constantly, that can feel hard, but make it a priority. Once the children are in bed, talk. Share what\u2019s going on with you. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If there are worries on your mind: financial, practical, educational, spill. Marriage is about being in it together. Sharing your feelings creates intimacy and it creates the opportunity to get support. It helps divorce-proof your relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"listen_to_understand\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Listen to understand<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Communication involves two equally important elements: sharing thoughts or information and receiving them. How we receive is just as important as how we share, and that means being a good listener. It\u2019s harder than it sounds \u2013 often we listen to respond, to get our next point across, rather than to truly understand. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Your partner is likely to have their own stresses and worries. Ask questions. Check you\u2019ve interpreted what they\u2019ve said correctly. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Find out and also share whether you are just off-loading or whether you want solutions. One of the easiest ways to diminish what someone is feeling is to jump straight in with answers when really they just want to be heard in that moment. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"you_are_not_a_mind_reader\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">You are not a mind reader<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">We are all guilty of this sometimes &#8211; we think we know how the other person thinks and feels, especially when we\u2019ve lived with them for years. And we can often be right. But that\u2019s where the danger lies. We think we <i>always<\/i> know and then we can get it wrong. Very wrong. Particularly when we are anxious or stressed, or they are. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If things haven\u2019t been great in your relationship, you may have started to see your spouse through a particular lens, \u201cOh, of course they forgot about their mum\u2019s birthday, they\u2019re so selfish.\u201d You gather the evidence to suit the judgement you\u2019ve made. If you want to truly communicate and understand &#8211; to divorce-proof your relationship, those assumptions need to stop. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Rather than assume you know how your spouse feels, or why they acted that way \u2013 ask them. Check your thoughts and get the information straight from the horse\u2019s mouth, so to speak. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"are_you_projecting\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Are you projecting? <\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When our mental health is being challenged in some way, as it likely is in lockdown, it\u2019s easy to project our feelings onto someone else. What you think is going on with them is really going on with you. For example, you might be thinking, \u2018They\u2019re so withdrawn, they\u2019re not talking to me at all.\u201d when that is exactly what you are doing.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So check in with yourself first. What\u2019s really going on with you? Do you need help and support with your emotional well-being? <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/asking-for-help-in-a-pandemic\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Asking for help in a pandemic<\/a> is good practice. Since the Coronavirus Pandemic more and more therapists are working online so seek out coaching or counselling if you need it. To divorce-proof your relationship, you need to start with you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"perfection_doesnt_exist\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Perfection doesn\u2019t exist<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When you fall in love, you are blinded by the \u2018perfection\u2019 of your partner. Looking at it scientifically rather than romantically, it\u2019s an important part of the \u2018falling in love\u2019 process. But it doesn\u2019t last. Research shows that at approximately 18 months the heady \u2018in love\u2019 experience begins to settle as you and your partner begin to see each other for who you really are. This is when \u2018real\u2019 love can begin. If a relationship lasts, you compromise, you learn to accept, to forgive, to negotiate and you build a solid foundation that isn\u2019t built on perfection per se \u2013 it\u2019s an imperfectly perfect creation the two of you build together.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When we are tired, stressed, frustrated, scared or overwhelmed, we can become easily irritated by those around us and our spouse is a sitting target for our emotions. Sometimes we can feel so angry that even the rhythm of their breathing annoys us when our anger has nothing to do with them at all. You want them to be perfect again because you convince yourself this is all their fault (even though you know it isn\u2019t).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember your spouse wasn\u2019t perfect before and you accepted them. Chances are you\u2019re as stressed out, tired and scared as each other.\u00a0So cut both of you some slack. Make time for talking. If there\u2019s an area of the house that\u2019s triggering you, get to a more neutral room and have your conversations there.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"value_the_whole_package\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Value the whole package<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What can you be grateful for in your spouse today?\u00a0 Gratitude in a relationship is so underrated in my opinion. It\u2019s easy to take each other for granted. Especially if you\u2019ve let things slip, it\u2019s easy to notice all the negative, annoying things and shrug off the positives. So how can you flip that around?<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If your knee-jerk reaction is \u201cbut Emma, s\/he takes me for granted and doesn\u2019t value me\u201d, stop. Just stop for a second. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">This is not a competition. It\u2019s not a game of who is right and \u201cwhy should I?\u201d. It\u2019s an opportunity to reset.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>If you want to divorce-proof your relationship in lockdown and get your marriage back on track, be the bigger person and just start appreciating your spouse for all they bring \u2013 good and not so good. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Using open communication you can ask for what you want or need, and be kind but clear about what\u2019s annoying you (remember they\u2019re not a mind reader either!). How you say things can set you up for creating a positive future, or spiralling into more negativity. For example, snapping, \u201cYou never unload the dishwasher!\u201d is miles away from \u201cI feel taken for granted when I\u2019m always the one unloading the dishwasher. Shall we take it in turns?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"divorce-proof_your_relationship_with_gratitude\"><\/span>Divorce-proof your relationship with gratitude<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If they make you a cup of coffee, say thank you. If they changed the baby\u2019s nappy or put the bins out, show your gratitude. You are role modelling how you want to be treated too, and you can change the whole tone of your relationship by bringing out the good. Feeling valued builds intimacy and intimacy builds on connection at every level.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Focus on the positives your partner brings, rather than what they lack. Remember, nobody\u2019s perfect.\u00a0Though know your boundaries here too \u2013 read on to ensure you don\u2019t become a doormat.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"value_yourself\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Value yourself\u00a0<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Value yourself as an individual as well as a wife and mother. If you\u2019re considering divorce, you\u2019re likely to be feeling a whole spectrum of sad, lost, lonely frustrated emotions. What\u2019s changed? What can you do even in lockdown to get the woman you used to be back? <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019ve been watching the media over the past few weeks, you\u2019ll see that many people are coming up with fantastically creative ways to have fun and relax in lockdown. Remember that you can order supplies of pretty much anything you might need online, so have fun! You are important and need to treat yourself as such. Hearing and meeting your own needs can show others how to do the same. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Focussing on the positives, making time for communication and role modelling respectful behaviour with your spouse can work wonders. It can be the reframing needed to get you both back on track. But it\u2019s not a magic spell, and I am not suggesting you ignore your partner\u2019s bad behaviour and turn yourself into a doormat. If they\u2019re not playing their part, that\u2019s not your fault.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"taking_responsibility\"><\/span>Taking responsibility<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Value yourself enough to know when it\u2019s time to move on. In my \u20187 Simple Steps\u2019 email programme we look at how to know if your marriage is over. It\u2019s about taking responsibility for it 100%.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Taking 100% responsibility isn\u2019t about you shouldering blame. It\u2019s not about blame at all. It\u2019s about accepting you can only change you and, only you can shift and move things for you. You\u2019ll never change your spouse \u2013 that\u2019s up to them. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So ask yourself have you done all you can to support your marriage? Is it time to move on? It\u2019s about doing what\u2019s right for you and moving on if necessary. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"leave_without_looking_back\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Leave without looking back<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember that you take yourself with you when you leave. This means that if the issue is within you and you are fundamentally unhappy, you\u2019ll still be unhappy without your marriage. So be honest with yourself. Take an inventory of you &#8211; are you happy? What can you work on? Is there something you need support with? What would you love to be different and how can you make that work?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If there\u2019s nothing and yet you feel unhappy, unfulfilled or lost, is it your marriage? What can you influence? If there\u2019s nothing, or you feel you\u2019ve done all you can, it&#8217;s ok to leave. This is not something to feel guilty about.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When you have taken the time to consider what you have done for your marriage, what your partner brings (good and bad), what you bring (good and bad), and what you are willing or not willing to do to keep things going, it\u2019s easier to make a decision without looking back. You\u2019re not leaving off the back of a single row, or because emotions have flared, you have weighed up all the evidence, you recognise things for what they are. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"feeling_unsafe\"><\/span>Feeling unsafe<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You may not want to leave during lockdown. It\u2019s harder than normal right now. But if you are experiencing abuse, making yourself and your children safe is your first priority. Ring 999 then 55 and the police will know you can\u2019t speak. Seek advice from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.womensaid.org.uk\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s2\">WomensAid<\/span><\/a> remembering to click the \u2018cover my tracks\u2019 button before you leave the webpage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"get_your_ducks_in_a_row_before_you_go\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Get your ducks in a row before you go<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019re not experiencing abuse, use lockdown to get your ducks in a row before you go. There\u2019s plenty you can do. Gather your thoughts, consider your values, plan for the future. Get your financial information together \u2013 &#8216;knowing your numbers&#8217; is crucial and you can start digging out paperwork and records now. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Reading \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-be-a-lady-who-leaves-book-3rd-edition\/\"><span class=\"s2\">How to be a Lady Who Leaves: The Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/span><\/a>\u2019 is a great starting point. Getting some divorce coaching so you understand where you\u2019re at and what you need to do is likely to save both time and money in the long run. I\u2019m going to be running <span class=\"s2\">Get Divorce Ready<\/span>, an online Group Coaching programme in the coming weeks, which is your one stop shop for everything you need to do, with my support each week guiding you through. That will also give you three months complimentary access to the Absolute Academy where you\u2019ll receive even more guidance and support (all covered in the price of the course fee).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"above_all_be_kind_to_yourself\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Above all, be kind to yourself<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Above all, be kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself generally helps you to be a kinder person. This will show up in your relationship. Encourage your spouse to be kind to themselves too. You are in this together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So many marriages could be saved if communication and kindness flowed freely. Life is really tough right now and it doesn\u2019t appear that things will radically change anytime soon. That may mean that you have time to reflect on what&#8217;s not working in your relationship and set about making positive changes. Divorce-proof your relationship whilst you have the time.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Where your attention goes, the energy will flow. If you need support to make sense of all of this, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span class=\"s2\">reach out &#8211; I can help<\/span><\/a>. Not every woman I coach ends up divorced &#8211; some find their way back to a happy marriage. As long as you feel more fulfilled, happier, heard and alive, both can be great outcomes. Which one will you be?<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Divorce-proof your relationship? You might think, as a Divorce Coach, my goal in life and business is to get as many women happily divorced as possible. Not true. The goal of my business is to help as many women as possible live happy and fulfilled lives. That might be as a divorced woman. It might [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":15931,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<h1 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">How to divorce-proof your relationship during lockdown<\/span><\/h1><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Divorce-proof your relationship? You might think, as a Divorce Coach, my goal in life and business is to get as many women happily divorced as possible. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Not true. The goal of my business is to help as many women as possible live happy and fulfilled lives. That might be as a divorced woman. It might be as a married woman. Yes, I work with people who are exploring, or who have decided to, divorce. Not every client will go on to get divorced though. To divorce-proof a relationship self-awareness and reflection are required.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">For some women, divorce seems like the answer when they are feeling lonely, frustrated, unheard and unfulfilled. It can be an answer. Equally, it may be that you and your spouse can resolve your issues and work through all those difficult emotions. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Lockdown tends to magnify the stresses we already had going on in our lives. If you were already frustrated that you were doing most of the parenting, or your other half never puts a load of washing on, or remembers birthdays, then being cooped up together will bring those issues even more to the fore. There are lots of couples all over the globe swearing under their breath (or not under their breath!) at their inconsiderate partner. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s not always true that relationships are irretrievable. If you loved and cared for each other well before, there\u2019s every chance that you can get back to that \u2013 with some emotional and practical work on both sides. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In <i>How to divorce-proof your relationship during lockdown <\/i>I share the lessons learned from working with women who found a way to make their marriage the fulfilling, happy union they had always wanted. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Prioritise talking<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">These are crazy times indeed. If you\u2019re feeling all over the place: emotions up and down like a rollercoaster, \u2018what ifs\u2019 blasting away in your skull, you\u2019re not alone, and it\u2019s totally normal. It does mean, though, that\u2019s both harder than ever to communicate with loved ones well, and more important than ever.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s important to be deliberate \u2013 to create time and space to talk. If you have children around you constantly, that can feel hard, but make it a priority. Once the children are in bed, talk. Share what\u2019s going on with you. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If there are worries on your mind: financial, practical, educational, spill. Marriage is about being in it together. Sharing your feelings creates intimacy and it creates the opportunity to get support. It helps divorce-proof your relationship.<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Listen to understand<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Communication involves two equally important elements: sharing thoughts or information and receiving them. How we receive is just as important as how we share, and that means being a good listener. It\u2019s harder than it sounds \u2013 often we listen to respond, to get our next point across, rather than to truly understand. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Your partner is likely to have their own stresses and worries. Ask questions. Check you\u2019ve interpreted what they\u2019ve said correctly. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Find out and also share whether you are just off-loading or whether you want solutions. One of the easiest ways to diminish what someone is feeling is to jump straight in with answers when really they just want to be heard in that moment. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You are not a mind reader<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">We are all guilty of this sometimes - we think we know how the other person thinks and feels, especially when we\u2019ve lived with them for years. And we can often be right. But that\u2019s where the danger lies. We think we <i>always<\/i> know and then we can get it wrong. Very wrong. Particularly when we are anxious or stressed, or they are. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If things haven\u2019t been great in your relationship, you may have started to see your spouse through a particular lens, \u201cOh, of course they forgot about their mum\u2019s birthday, they\u2019re so selfish.\u201d You gather the evidence to suit the judgement you\u2019ve made. If you want to truly communicate and understand - to divorce-proof your relationship, those assumptions need to stop. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Rather than assume you know how your spouse feels, or why they acted that way \u2013 ask them. Check your thoughts and get the information straight from the horse\u2019s mouth, so to speak. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Are you projecting? <\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When our mental health is being challenged in some way, as it likely is in lockdown, it\u2019s easy to project our feelings onto someone else. What you think is going on with them is really going on with you. For example, you might be thinking, \u2018They\u2019re so withdrawn, they\u2019re not talking to me at all.\u201d when that is exactly what you are doing.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So check in with yourself first. What\u2019s really going on with you? Do you need help and support with your emotional well-being? <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/asking-for-help-in-a-pandemic\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Asking for help in a pandemic<\/a> is good practice. Since the Coronavirus Pandemic more and more therapists are working online so seek out coaching or counselling if you need it. To divorce-proof your relationship, you need to start with you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Perfection doesn\u2019t exist<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When you fall in love, you are blinded by the \u2018perfection\u2019 of your partner. Looking at it scientifically rather than romantically, it\u2019s an important part of the \u2018falling in love\u2019 process. But it doesn\u2019t last. Research shows that at approximately 18 months the heady \u2018in love\u2019 experience begins to settle as you and your partner begin to see each other for who you really are. This is when \u2018real\u2019 love can begin. If a relationship lasts, you compromise, you learn to accept, to forgive, to negotiate and you build a solid foundation that isn\u2019t built on perfection per se \u2013 it\u2019s an imperfectly perfect creation the two of you build together.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When we are tired, stressed, frustrated, scared or overwhelmed, we can become easily irritated by those around us and our spouse is a sitting target for our emotions. Sometimes we can feel so angry that even the rhythm of their breathing annoys us when our anger has nothing to do with them at all. You want them to be perfect again because you convince yourself this is all their fault (even though you know it isn\u2019t).\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember your spouse wasn\u2019t perfect before and you accepted them. Chances are you\u2019re as stressed out, tired and scared as each other.\u00a0So cut both of you some slack. Make time for talking. If there\u2019s an area of the house that\u2019s triggering you, get to a more neutral room and have your conversations there.<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Value the whole package<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What can you be grateful for in your spouse today?\u00a0 Gratitude in a relationship is so underrated in my opinion. It\u2019s easy to take each other for granted. Especially if you\u2019ve let things slip, it\u2019s easy to notice all the negative, annoying things and shrug off the positives. So how can you flip that around?<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If your knee-jerk reaction is \u201cbut Emma, s\/he takes me for granted and doesn\u2019t value me\u201d, stop. Just stop for a second. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">This is not a competition. It\u2019s not a game of who is right and \u201cwhy should I?\u201d. It\u2019s an opportunity to reset.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>If you want to divorce-proof your relationship in lockdown and get your marriage back on track, be the bigger person and just start appreciating your spouse for all they bring \u2013 good and not so good. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Using open communication you can ask for what you want or need, and be kind but clear about what\u2019s annoying you (remember they\u2019re not a mind reader either!). How you say things can set you up for creating a positive future, or spiralling into more negativity. For example, snapping, \u201cYou never unload the dishwasher!\u201d is miles away from \u201cI feel taken for granted when I\u2019m always the one unloading the dishwasher. Shall we take it in turns?\u201d<\/span><\/p><h2>Divorce-proof your relationship with gratitude<\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If they make you a cup of coffee, say thank you. If they changed the baby\u2019s nappy or put the bins out, show your gratitude. You are role modelling how you want to be treated too, and you can change the whole tone of your relationship by bringing out the good. Feeling valued builds intimacy and intimacy builds on connection at every level.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Focus on the positives your partner brings, rather than what they lack. Remember, nobody\u2019s perfect.\u00a0Though know your boundaries here too \u2013 read on to ensure you don\u2019t become a doormat.<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Value yourself\u00a0<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Value yourself as an individual as well as a wife and mother. If you\u2019re considering divorce, you\u2019re likely to be feeling a whole spectrum of sad, lost, lonely frustrated emotions. What\u2019s changed? What can you do even in lockdown to get the woman you used to be back? <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019ve been watching the media over the past few weeks, you\u2019ll see that many people are coming up with fantastically creative ways to have fun and relax in lockdown. Remember that you can order supplies of pretty much anything you might need online, so have fun! You are important and need to treat yourself as such. Hearing and meeting your own needs can show others how to do the same. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Focussing on the positives, making time for communication and role modelling respectful behaviour with your spouse can work wonders. It can be the reframing needed to get you both back on track. But it\u2019s not a magic spell, and I am not suggesting you ignore your partner\u2019s bad behaviour and turn yourself into a doormat. If they\u2019re not playing their part, that\u2019s not your fault.<\/span><\/p><h2>Taking responsibility<\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Value yourself enough to know when it\u2019s time to move on. In my \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/product\/7-simple-steps-3\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">7 Simple Steps\u2019 email programme<\/a> we look at how to know if your marriage is over. It\u2019s about taking responsibility for it 100%.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Taking 100% responsibility isn\u2019t about you shouldering blame. It\u2019s not about blame at all. It\u2019s about accepting you can only change you and, only you can shift and move things for you. You\u2019ll never change your spouse \u2013 that\u2019s up to them. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So ask yourself have you done all you can to support your marriage? Is it time to move on? It\u2019s about doing what\u2019s right for you and moving on if necessary. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Leave without looking back<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember that you take yourself with you when you leave. This means that if the issue is within you and you are fundamentally unhappy, you\u2019ll still be unhappy without your marriage. So be honest with yourself. Take an inventory of you - are you happy? What can you work on? Is there something you need support with? What would you love to be different and how can you make that work?\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If there\u2019s nothing and yet you feel unhappy, unfulfilled or lost, is it your marriage? What can you influence? If there\u2019s nothing, or you feel you\u2019ve done all you can, it's ok to leave. This is not something to feel guilty about.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When you have taken the time to consider what you have done for your marriage, what your partner brings (good and bad), what you bring (good and bad), and what you are willing or not willing to do to keep things going, it\u2019s easier to make a decision without looking back. You\u2019re not leaving off the back of a single row, or because emotions have flared, you have weighed up all the evidence, you recognise things for what they are. <\/span><\/p><h2>Feeling unsafe<\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You may not want to leave during lockdown. It\u2019s harder than normal right now. But if you are experiencing abuse, making yourself and your children safe is your first priority. Ring 999 then 55 and the police will know you can\u2019t speak. Seek advice from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.womensaid.org.uk\"><span class=\"s2\">WomensAid<\/span><\/a> remembering to click the \u2018cover my tracks\u2019 button before you leave the webpage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Get your ducks in a row before you go<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019re not experiencing abuse, use lockdown to get your ducks in a row before you go. There\u2019s plenty you can do. Gather your thoughts, consider your values, plan for the future. Get your financial information together \u2013 'knowing your numbers' is crucial and you can start digging out paperwork and records now. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Reading \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/product\/lady-leaves-book\/\"><span class=\"s2\">How to be a Lady Who Leaves: The Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/span><\/a>\u2019 is a great starting point. Getting some divorce coaching so you understand where you\u2019re at and what you need to do is likely to save both time and money in the long run. I\u2019m going to be running <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/getdivorcereadywaitlist\/\"><span class=\"s2\">Get Divorce Ready<\/span><\/a>, an online Group Coaching programme in the coming weeks, which is your one stop shop for everything you need to do, with my support each week guiding you through. That will also give you three months complimentary access to the Absolute Academy where you\u2019ll receive even more guidance and support (all covered in the price of the course fee).\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Above all, be kind to yourself<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Above all, be kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself generally helps you to be a kinder person. This will show up in your relationship. Encourage your spouse to be kind to themselves too. You are in this together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So many marriages could be saved if communication and kindness flowed freely. Life is really tough right now and it doesn\u2019t appear that things will radically change anytime soon. That may mean that you have time to reflect on what's not working in your relationship and set about making positive changes. Divorce-proof your relationship whilst you have the time.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Where your attention goes, the energy will flow. If you need support to make sense of all of this, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span class=\"s2\">reach out - I can help<\/span><\/a>. Not every woman I coach ends up divorced - some find their way back to a happy marriage. As long as you feel more fulfilled, happier, heard and alive, both can be great outcomes. Which one will you be?<\/span><\/p><h2>About Emma<\/h2><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2491,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15930","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-coronavirus","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-7.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-48W","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15930","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15930"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15930\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15931"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15930"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15930"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15930"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}