[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
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\u2018How do I know if I should divorce?\u2019<\/em> is probably the question I get asked most often. And it\u2019s a tricky one. Because there is no right answer, only an answer that\u2019s right for you!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019ve been thinking of leaving for a long time sometimes that decision gets harder, not easier! Overthinking is a real thing. But, of course, you don\u2019t want to rush into a big life-changing decision. So in How do I know if I should divorce?<\/em> I take you through some steps for answering that all-important question.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n First up, let\u2019s deal with the fact that this decision is hard, whatever you choose. If the question\u2019s on your mind, either way, you have work to do. Leaving involves emotional and practical work, and so does staying if you do it in an empowered way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I\u2019ve yet to meet the woman who woke up one morning and decided to divorce. It just doesn\u2019t happen like that. That first little whisper to yourself that something\u2019s wrong \u2013 allowing yourself to hear it takes guts. Particularly if you have a spouse who is a \u2018good person\u2019. They don’t abuse you or financially control you. They love you and you still have feelings for them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Yes, when you\u2019re married to a good one it\u2019s hard. You feel guilty for thinking about leaving. You also feel scared and often feel shame.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And when you’re married to a physically, verbally, emotionally or financially abusive person it\u2019s hard. You feel guilty about leaving. You also feel scared and often shame.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Honestly, whatever your circumstances, you are likely to feel guilt, fear and shame at different levels and for different reasons as you consider divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Trust me, I\u2019ve worked with all of these women and no one has it easy.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019re thinking about leaving it\u2019s because you\u2019re unhappy \u2013 whatever your circumstances. It\u2019s because you want or need more. And that\u2019s ok. Really, it is.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n No one deserves abuse of any kind – if that\u2019s you, your priority is to ensure that you and your children are safe. You can contact organisations like Women\u2019s Aid<\/a> for support and advice – remembering to click the \u2018cover my tracks\u2019 button before you leave.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Equally, everyone deserves happiness and to live the life they choose. It\u2019s okay to want to leave a \u2018good person\u2019, a lovely home and financial security – it makes you neither greedy or selfish.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Not every \u2018good person\u2019 makes the right life partner for you. Perhaps you\u2019re just great mates now? Perhaps if you\u2019re honest, that\u2019s all you ever were? Maybe you just fell out of love with each other? It might be that you have fallen in love with someone else. These things do happen – and no, you\u2019re not a \u2018bad person\u2019 because of it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n How do I know if I should divorce? <\/em>Only you can decide whether there is anything left to work on. Do you have the energy or desire to do any further work? The chances are you\u2019ve either been to relationship counselling or you\u2019ve raised it as an issue. Are you open to trying that again?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Is there anything else which could be blocking your relationship on either side? Are there possible mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or bi-polar disorder that need additional support and therapy? Could you or your spouse have undiagnosed autism spectrum disorders or ADHD that are affecting your abilities to relate and communicate?\u00a0You might want to consider and tackle these issues first, and see where it leaves your marriage.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you could wave a magic wand right now, what would you wish for?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Think about the answer that just popped into your head \u2013 was it that everything could be as it once was, in a happy marriage? Or was it for a future full of possibility, with your divorce all sorted and behind you? Or something else entirely? That first response will tell you something.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you decide to leave, you\u2019ll take yourself with you. By this, I mean that if you are fundamentally unhappy with you you\u2019ll still be unhappy in a different home, town or relationship. You can never change your ex, that\u2019s up to them, so focus on you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you need support in terms of therapy or counselling make yourself a priority and get it. Preferably before you leave unless you are at risk.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Think about what\u2019s important to you in life. Your ingredients for a good life. Is your marriage contributing to those ingredients or taking away from them? Knowing what you want out of life, and how you want to feel can help you decide whether your marriage can support you in living that life, or if it\u2019s actually in your way. This is one of the most vital areas of work I do with my clients.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Making the right decision to leave your marriage is important. It\u2019s a big step and unless you are physically unsafe it shouldn\u2019t be rushed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When you know you\u2019ve explored all options and possibilities, you can leave without looking back. That gives your brain clarity and certainty. It also enables you to be clear with your spouse and family that your relationship is over and you are moving forward with divorce.\u00a0That clarity is a real gift to everyone \u2013 as painful as it might be, it\u2019s far worse being in some sort of \u2018will they, won\u2019t they\u2019 loop, especially for children.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The first section of my Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady who Leaves, the ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/a> is all about making a smart, well thought out decision. If you haven\u2019t read it yet \u2013 do! It\u2019s been recommended by clients and family lawyers alike, and it lays out in clear steps all the thinking you need to do to get to the decision that\u2019s right for you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n As human beings, we have multiple intelligences. Not just our heads – our heart and gut has intelligence too. If you\u2019re interested in the science this article<\/a> lays it out well. \u00a0If you want the short version, the same neural networks we find in our brains are also found in our hearts and guts. This means they know stuff! So it\u2019s worth listening to all three of them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We can follow our hearts and make poor decisions. We can ignore our gut feeling and miss out on an amazing opportunity. A rational pros and cons list can still end up with us feeling dissatisfied. So listen to all three. The \u2018magic wand\u2019 question I asked earlier let your gut answer first, and then your brain and heart would have got in on the action too. What did each of them tell you?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You may notice that you\u2019re more of a \u2018head\u2019, \u2018heart\u2019 or \u2018gut\u2019 person in your decision-making. How often do you tune into the other two intelligences? What information and wisdom are you not allowing in and what difference would that make to you if you did?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here are some quick ways to make use of your three intelligences:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Not every woman I coach goes on to divorce. Most do, in truth. Most clients who come to me uncertain about whether they want to leave aren\u2019t really that uncertain. They are looking for permission. They need someone who\u2019ll hold the space for them to share their truth and say that they want to leave – without the fear of being judged or of letting anyone down or disappointing them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n That\u2019s not to say I encourage you to divorce \u2013 far from it. A divorce coach like me has no vested interest in whether you stay together or part. We\u2019re interested in supporting you to make the decision that\u2019s right for you. Usually that decision will be the end of something \u2013 whether it\u2019s the end of your marriage, or the end of bad habits and ways of communicating that led you and your spouse towards divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you decide to leave, I can support you further – right through the whole process and into your new life. Having someone neutral by your side can be a game-changer, giving you the confidence to make decisions that support you now and in the future.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So, if you think I can help you please do get in touch. I offer an initial 30 minute call free of charge so we can find out if we are a good \u2018fit\u2019 for each other. Perhaps using a divorce coach who has been divorced is important to you? I haven\u2019t been divorced, so I\u2019m not the right coach for you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps using a divorce coach who is legally qualified and a family mediator, as well as an experienced and qualified coach is important? If that\u2019s you – book a call<\/a>.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" How Do I Know If I Should Divorce? \u2018How do I know if I should divorce?\u2019 is probably the question I get asked most often. And it\u2019s a tricky one. Because there is no right answer, only an answer that\u2019s right for you! If you\u2019ve been thinking of leaving for a long time […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":15939,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> \u2018How do I know if I should divorce?\u2019<\/em> is probably the question I get asked most often. And it\u2019s a tricky one. Because there is no right answer, only an answer that\u2019s right for you!<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you\u2019ve been thinking of leaving for a long time sometimes that decision gets harder, not easier! Overthinking is a real thing. But, of course, you don\u2019t want to rush into a big life-changing decision. So in How do I know if I should divorce?<\/em> I take you through some steps for answering that all-important question.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> First up, let\u2019s deal with the fact that this decision is hard, whatever you choose. If the question\u2019s on your mind, either way, you have work to do. Leaving involves emotional and practical work, and so does staying if you do it in an empowered way.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> I\u2019ve yet to meet the woman who woke up one morning and decided to divorce. It just doesn\u2019t happen like that. That first little whisper to yourself that something\u2019s wrong \u2013 allowing yourself to hear it takes guts. Particularly if you have a spouse who is a \u2018good person\u2019. They don't abuse you or financially control you. They love you and you still have feelings for them.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Yes, when you\u2019re married to a good one it\u2019s hard. You feel guilty for thinking about leaving. You also feel scared and often feel shame.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And when you're married to a physically, verbally, emotionally or financially abusive person it\u2019s hard. You feel guilty about leaving. You also feel scared and often shame.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Honestly, whatever your circumstances, you are likely to feel guilt, fear and shame at different levels and for different reasons as you consider divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Trust me, I\u2019ve worked with all of these women and no one has it easy.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you\u2019re thinking about leaving it\u2019s because you\u2019re unhappy \u2013 whatever your circumstances. It\u2019s because you want or need more. And that\u2019s ok. Really, it is.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> No one deserves abuse of any kind - if that\u2019s you, your priority is to ensure that you and your children are safe. You can contact organisations like Women\u2019s Aid<\/a> for support and advice - remembering to click the \u2018cover my tracks\u2019 button before you leave.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Equally, everyone deserves happiness and to live the life they choose. It\u2019s okay to want to leave a \u2018good person\u2019, a lovely home and financial security - it makes you neither greedy or selfish.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Not every \u2018good person\u2019 makes the right life partner for you. Perhaps you\u2019re just great mates now? Perhaps if you\u2019re honest, that\u2019s all you ever were? Maybe you just fell out of love with each other? It might be that you have fallen in love with someone else. These things do happen - and no, you\u2019re not a \u2018bad person\u2019 because of it.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> How do I know if I should divorce? <\/em>Only you can decide whether there is anything left to work on. Do you have the energy or desire to do any further work? The chances are you\u2019ve either been to relationship counselling or you\u2019ve raised it as an issue. Are you open to trying that again?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Is there anything else which could be blocking your relationship on either side? Are there possible mental health issues such as depression, anxiety or bi-polar disorder that need additional support and therapy? Could you or your spouse have undiagnosed autism spectrum disorders or ADHD that are affecting your abilities to relate and communicate?\u00a0You might want to consider and tackle these issues first, and see where it leaves your marriage.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you could wave a magic wand right now, what would you wish for?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Think about the answer that just popped into your head \u2013 was it that everything could be as it once was, in a happy marriage? Or was it for a future full of possibility, with your divorce all sorted and behind you? Or something else entirely? That first response will tell you something.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you decide to leave, you\u2019ll take yourself with you. By this, I mean that if you are fundamentally unhappy with you you\u2019ll still be unhappy in a different home, town or relationship. You can never change your ex, that\u2019s up to them, so focus on you.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you need support in terms of therapy or counselling make yourself a priority and get it. Preferably before you leave unless you are at risk.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Think about what\u2019s important to you in life. Your ingredients for a good life. Is your marriage contributing to those ingredients or taking away from them? Knowing what you want out of life, and how you want to feel can help you decide whether your marriage can support you in living that life, or if it\u2019s actually in your way. This is one of the most vital areas of work I do with my clients.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Making the right decision to leave your marriage is important. It\u2019s a big step and unless you are physically unsafe it shouldn\u2019t be rushed.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When you know you\u2019ve explored all options and possibilities, you can leave without looking back. That gives your brain clarity and certainty. It also enables you to be clear with your spouse and family that your relationship is over and you are moving forward with divorce.\u00a0That clarity is a real gift to everyone \u2013 as painful as it might be, it\u2019s far worse being in some sort of \u2018will they, won\u2019t they\u2019 loop, especially for children.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The first section of my Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady who Leaves, the ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/a> is all about making a smart, well thought out decision. If you haven\u2019t read it yet \u2013 do! It\u2019s been recommended by clients and family lawyers alike, and it lays out in clear steps all the thinking you need to do to get to the decision that\u2019s right for you.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> As human beings, we have multiple intelligences. Not just our heads - our heart and gut has intelligence too. If you\u2019re interested in the science this article<\/a> lays it out well. \u00a0If you want the short version, the same neural networks we find in our brains are also found in our hearts and guts. This means they know stuff! So it\u2019s worth listening to all three of them.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> We can follow our hearts and make poor decisions. We can ignore our gut feeling and miss out on an amazing opportunity. A rational pros and cons list can still end up with us feeling dissatisfied. So listen to all three. The \u2018magic wand\u2019 question I asked earlier let your gut answer first, and then your brain and heart would have got in on the action too. What did each of them tell you?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You may notice that you\u2019re more of a \u2018head\u2019, \u2018heart\u2019 or \u2018gut\u2019 person in your decision-making. How often do you tune into the other two intelligences? What information and wisdom are you not allowing in and what difference would that make to you if you did?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Here are some quick ways to make use of your three intelligences:<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Not every woman I coach goes on to divorce. Most do, in truth. Most clients who come to me uncertain about whether they want to leave aren\u2019t really that uncertain. They are looking for permission. They need someone who\u2019ll hold the space for them to share their truth and say that they want to leave - without the fear of being judged or of letting anyone down or disappointing them.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> That\u2019s not to say I encourage you to divorce \u2013 far from it. A divorce coach like me has no vested interest in whether you stay together or part. We\u2019re interested in supporting you to make the decision that\u2019s right for you. Usually that decision will be the end of something \u2013 whether it\u2019s the end of your marriage, or the end of bad habits and ways of communicating that led you and your spouse towards divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you decide to leave, I can support you further - right through the whole process and into your new life. Having someone neutral by your side can be a game-changer, giving you the confidence to make decisions that support you now and in the future.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> So, if you think I can help you please do get in touch. I offer an initial 30 minute call free of charge so we can find out if we are a good \u2018fit\u2019 for each other. Perhaps using a divorce coach who has been divorced is important to you? I haven\u2019t been divorced, so I\u2019m not the right coach for you.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps using a divorce coach who is legally qualified and a family mediator, as well as an experienced and qualified coach is important? If that\u2019s you - book a call<\/a>.<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15938","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-thinking-about-a-divorce","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-10.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-494","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15938","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15938"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15938\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15939"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15938"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15938"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15938"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Leaving is hard<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>You didn\u2019t get here on a whim<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Is there anything left?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Check-in with yourself<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>How to be a Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Listen to your head, heart and gut<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Use a divorce coach to support a good decision<\/span><\/h2>\n
\u00a0<\/h1>\n
So How Do I Know If I Should Divorce?<\/h1>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
How Do I Know If I Should Divorce?<\/h1>
Leaving is hard<\/h2>
You didn\u2019t get here on a whim<\/h2>
Is there anything left?<\/h2>
Check-in with yourself<\/h2>
How to be a Lady Who Leaves<\/h2>
Listen to your head, heart and gut<\/h2>
Use a divorce coach to support a good decision<\/h2>
\u00a0<\/h1>
So How Do I Know If I Should Divorce?<\/h1>
About Emma<\/h2>