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Many of my clients married their best friend. And this is often trumpeted as a good thing \u2013 rightly so in many circumstances. Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em> Of course, you want to be married to someone who\u2019s got your back, who you trust, who you can laugh and relax with.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But increasingly, clients are confessing that rather than falling out of love with their husband, they were never in love in the first place. Their husband was only ever their best friend. Maybe for a time, it seemed like more than that, because that\u2019s what they wanted. Maybe there was a bit of spark at the start, but it\u2019s long gone. Maybe they thought it would be good enough. But now\u2026not so much.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So, if that\u2019s you, should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Marrying the man you consider to be your best friend is romantic, in all the Hollywood best rom-coms. Think Julia Roberts in My Best Friend\u2019s Wedding. <\/em>And I absolutely believe you should be friends as well as lovers with your spouse. You need to like the person you live with, trust them, be able to get along with the mundanities of everyday life, and not want to throttle each other.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n But if that\u2019s all he is, and all he\u2019s ever been, you are likely to run into difficulties in your marriage. You will feel like something\u2019s missing, because it is.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps it seemed like a good idea at the time. You got to an age and stage after school\/college\/university when you felt that you \u2018should\u2019 be married and settled. You had a trusted relationship with your now-husband, and worked it up into something it never really was. So, Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps you\u2019d never felt a real intimacy and passion so you weren\u2019t sure of the difference between loving someone romantically and loving them in a platonic way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps you\u2019d had plenty of great sex and passion, but always with partners that treated you badly, and your BFF was always there for you. And when you decided to ditch the bad boys\u2026 the good guy seemed like the right way to go.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps you were older and panicking that you\u2019d miss out on marriage and family so you picked the \u2018safe\u2019 option of your BFF.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend? <\/em>Understanding your own motivations will help you figure out whether divorce is the right option for you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n What kind of chemistry do you and your husband have? Is there a sexual desire? Was there ever a sexual desire? Is the chemistry just good mates and banter?\u00a0Is he now a good \u2018business partner\u2019 for \u2018Our Family PLC\u2019?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When we are attracted to someone and \u2018fall in love\u2019 we enter the state of limerence. What the heck is limerence, I hear you ask? It\u2019s that gooey period in a new relationship when we obsess about our partner and feel that they are \u2018perfect\u2019. We want to be with them all the time. We want to be in bed <\/em>with them all the time. Everything else feels like a drag. They are your oxygen, your everything.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Of course, just like you, they\u2019re not perfect. The candyfloss sweetness of limerence lasts for around 18 months, and then the business of \u2018real love\u2019 can begin. Real love still includes chemistry but often not in such an all-consuming way. Connection becomes deeper and you start to build your relationship on a solid foundation of acceptance, giving and supporting rather than focusing on how the other person makes you feel.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Even though the limerence phase ends in all healthy relationships, it’s an important part of the relationship journey. It\u2019s the spark that ignited your connection. If you were only ever just good friends, the lack of a spark in your relationship can undermine your sense of happiness. You want more – you have a longing for something that isn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Do you feel that he could be more than just a friend?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ending a relationship is never easy. It\u2019s even harder when your partner was your friend before you got together – particularly if that friendship has a history. So before you call time on your marriage, consider exploring avenues to create the connection you crave. It is possible for chemistry to develop, or reawaken if it\u2019s been long dormant.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Relationship counselling and or sex therapy are safe spaces for you and your husband to learn more about each other. It will take work on both sides, but you can learn the tools to creating deeper connection, relating to each other with more intimacy physically and emotionally.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you want both want to.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Not all of the women who work with me are in abusive high conflict marriages. Many are married to really \u2018nice\u2019 and \u2018good\u2019 men. They live in lovely homes, have great lives and a husband who respects them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n These women are also lonely, craving intimacy and longing for the spark of relationship.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you are one of these women, you\u2019ll relate to the feelings of guilt and feeling selfish – after all, you have a great life, right?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The media still loves to push the story that all men crave sexual connection and that women don\u2019t care about sex once they\u2019ve had children. Newsflash – this isn\u2019t true. It\u2019s the 21st<\/sup> century, and tired gender stereotypes like that should be kicked straight out of the bedroom window.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Many of my clients live with men who aren\u2019t interested in sex and don\u2019t want intimacy with their wives – being in a family unit is \u2018enough\u2019 for them. They\u2019re in their contented little groove and happy with it. So Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Being the spouse who wants and needs more is lonely and frustrating. But it doesn\u2019t make you unreasonable. You have every right to want a more fulfilling relationship. Wanting more is neither greedy or selfish.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you divorce you risk losing a friend as well as a husband – the stakes are indeed high. Recognising this in advance will support you to come to terms with the impact of divorce on your future life. You may be letting go of a marriage but also a connection that goes back to adolescence or even further.\u00a0That\u2019s hard. And what\u2019s even tougher is that you can\u2019t control it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can control how you behave, and how you treat your husband \u2013 now, during the divorce and after. You might be able to stack the odds in favour of your ongoing friendship. But you will never be in control of how your husband feels or how he reacts.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you are his best friend, he too will feel a sense of loss deeper than just the ending of a marriage. If you can, address this issue between you – acknowledge the loss and feel the sadness. Use therapy to help you process this, either together or individually.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It may be that your husband will recognise that divorce is a good idea, either immediately, or after the dust settles. \u00a0Hopefully, you will be able to maintain or find your way back to friendship in some way. This isn\u2019t guaranteed, so be prepared for the fact that you may lose his friendship forever.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And make sure you have other trusted people around you to support you as you ride the emotional rollercoaster of separation and divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Many of the women I work with marry their friend because they felt that having a good father for their children was more important than finding a man to be \u2018in love\u2019 with. These women comment on how great these men are as fathers and how important that relationship is to their children. They consider staying in the relationship because it isn\u2019t \u2018bad enough\u2019 to leave.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My question is always: \u201cIs it good enough to stay?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cBut what about the children?\u201d is generally the response.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n But what are you teaching your children by staying? They are wiser than you know. Do you want to teach them that it\u2019s ok to live an unfulfilled life, forever putting your happiness on hold for someone else? Or do you want to model knowing what you want, and going after it, with kindness and consideration for everyone around you as well as yourself?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your children will be fine if you and your husband deal with your separation and divorce appropriately. That means keeping divorce-related discussions away from them and talking to the children together about your divorce with a united message of love and stability for them.\u00a0Neither of you are divorcing your children,and it\u2019s important they really hear that message.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n When your husband is just your friend, the world can feel like a very lonely place. You feel you should be grateful for the life you have because, well, it could be worse, right? Yes, it could, and<\/em> you also deserve to be in a happy relationship with a person you\u2019re in love with – if that\u2019s what you want.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Just because you\u2019re not utterly miserable does not mean you have to put up with a marriage that\u2019s not giving you everything you need. Even when he\u2019s a nice guy. (And if he\u2019s a nice guy that increases the odds you\u2019ll be able to have a collaborative, non-combative divorce, which is emotionally and financially the least damaging for everyone).<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You cant live your life for anyone but you. Not your children, and certainly not for your husband. Only you have the answers to whether the marriage you have right now is right for you. In my Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves – The Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/em>, I share my thoughts on how to know if you should leave. You can buy it here<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s a myth that divorce coaches like me only work with people who are getting divorced, or that we steer you towards divorce. I want you to feel happy and fulfilled in your life. And that means not being in a bad or under-par marriage.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I am a specialist in divorce and its legal complexities, yes, but I am also a highly trained and experienced coach. That means I work with you to help you understand yourself better, so you can make wise choices about your future. Sometimes those choices mean working through issues with your husband and staying together, feeling the sort of satisfaction you hadn\u2019t dreamed possible. Sometimes they mean facing up to your marriage being over and working out what next so you can live the life you want to.<\/p>\n If your husband is just a friend and you are struggling to make sense of where you are at, book an Ask The Alchemist Session with me<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In just 90 minutes I can help you get the clarity you need to make a smart decision for you. Leave the agonising behind, and figure out once and for all whether your husband is the best friend you want and need in a spouse, or \u2018just the best friend\u2019 that leaves you wanting.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You don\u2019t need to feel this conflicted. Book in a call now<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend? Many of my clients married their best friend. And this is often trumpeted as a good thing \u2013 rightly so in many circumstances. Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend? Of course, you want to be married to someone who\u2019s got […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":15946,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> Many of my clients married their best friend. And this is often trumpeted as a good thing \u2013 rightly so in many circumstances. Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em> Of course, you want to be married to someone who\u2019s got your back, who you trust, who you can laugh and relax with.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> But increasingly, clients are confessing that rather than falling out of love with their husband, they were never in love in the first place. Their husband was only ever their best friend. Maybe for a time, it seemed like more than that, because that\u2019s what they wanted. Maybe there was a bit of spark at the start, but it\u2019s long gone. Maybe they thought it would be good enough. But now\u2026not so much.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> So, if that\u2019s you, should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Marrying the man you consider to be your best friend is romantic, in all the Hollywood best rom-coms. Think Julia Roberts in My Best Friend\u2019s Wedding. <\/em>And I absolutely believe you should be friends as well as lovers with your spouse. You need to like the person you live with, trust them, be able to get along with the mundanities of everyday life, and not want to throttle each other.<\/p> \u00a0<\/em><\/p> But if that\u2019s all he is, and all he\u2019s ever been, you are likely to run into difficulties in your marriage. You will feel like something\u2019s missing, because it is.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps it seemed like a good idea at the time. You got to an age and stage after school\/college\/university when you felt that you \u2018should\u2019 be married and settled. You had a trusted relationship with your now-husband, and worked it up into something it never really was. So, Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps you\u2019d never felt a real intimacy and passion so you weren\u2019t sure of the difference between loving someone romantically and loving them in a platonic way.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps you\u2019d had plenty of great sex and passion, but always with partners that treated you badly, and your BFF was always there for you. And when you decided to ditch the bad boys\u2026 the good guy seemed like the right way to go.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps you were older and panicking that you\u2019d miss out on marriage and family so you picked the \u2018safe\u2019 option of your BFF.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend? <\/em>Understanding your own motivations will help you figure out whether divorce is the right option for you.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> What kind of chemistry do you and your husband have? Is there a sexual desire? Was there ever a sexual desire? Is the chemistry just good mates and banter?\u00a0Is he now a good \u2018business partner\u2019 for \u2018Our Family PLC\u2019?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When we are attracted to someone and \u2018fall in love\u2019 we enter the state of limerence. What the heck is limerence, I hear you ask? It\u2019s that gooey period in a new relationship when we obsess about our partner and feel that they are \u2018perfect\u2019. We want to be with them all the time. We want to be in bed <\/em>with them all the time. Everything else feels like a drag. They are your oxygen, your everything.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Of course, just like you, they\u2019re not perfect. The candyfloss sweetness of limerence lasts for around 18 months, and then the business of \u2018real love\u2019 can begin. Real love still includes chemistry but often not in such an all-consuming way. Connection becomes deeper and you start to build your relationship on a solid foundation of acceptance, giving and supporting rather than focusing on how the other person makes you feel.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Even though the limerence phase ends in all healthy relationships, it's an important part of the relationship journey. It\u2019s the spark that ignited your connection. If you were only ever just good friends, the lack of a spark in your relationship can undermine your sense of happiness. You want more - you have a longing for something that isn\u2019t there.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Do you feel that he could be more than just a friend?<\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Ending a relationship is never easy. It\u2019s even harder when your partner was your friend before you got together - particularly if that friendship has a history. So before you call time on your marriage, consider exploring avenues to create the connection you crave. It is possible for chemistry to develop, or reawaken if it\u2019s been long dormant.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Relationship counselling and or sex therapy are safe spaces for you and your husband to learn more about each other. It will take work on both sides, but you can learn the tools to creating deeper connection, relating to each other with more intimacy physically and emotionally.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you want both want to.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Not all of the women who work with me are in abusive high conflict marriages. Many are married to really \u2018nice\u2019 and \u2018good\u2019 men. They live in lovely homes, have great lives and a husband who respects them.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> These women are also lonely, craving intimacy and longing for the spark of relationship.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you are one of these women, you\u2019ll relate to the feelings of guilt and feeling selfish - after all, you have a great life, right?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The media still loves to push the story that all men crave sexual connection and that women don\u2019t care about sex once they\u2019ve had children. Newsflash - this isn\u2019t true. It\u2019s the 21st<\/sup> century, and tired gender stereotypes like that should be kicked straight out of the bedroom window.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Many of my clients live with men who aren\u2019t interested in sex and don\u2019t want intimacy with their wives - being in a family unit is \u2018enough\u2019 for them. They\u2019re in their contented little groove and happy with it. So Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Being the spouse who wants and needs more is lonely and frustrating. But it doesn\u2019t make you unreasonable. You have every right to want a more fulfilling relationship. Wanting more is neither greedy or selfish.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you divorce you risk losing a friend as well as a husband - the stakes are indeed high. Recognising this in advance will support you to come to terms with the impact of divorce on your future life. You may be letting go of a marriage but also a connection that goes back to adolescence or even further.\u00a0That\u2019s hard. And what\u2019s even tougher is that you can\u2019t control it.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You can control how you behave, and how you treat your husband \u2013 now, during the divorce and after. You might be able to stack the odds in favour of your ongoing friendship. But you will never be in control of how your husband feels or how he reacts.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you are his best friend, he too will feel a sense of loss deeper than just the ending of a marriage. If you can, address this issue between you - acknowledge the loss and feel the sadness. Use therapy to help you process this, either together or individually.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It may be that your husband will recognise that divorce is a good idea, either immediately, or after the dust settles. \u00a0Hopefully, you will be able to maintain or find your way back to friendship in some way. This isn\u2019t guaranteed, so be prepared for the fact that you may lose his friendship forever.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And make sure you have other trusted people around you to support you as you ride the emotional rollercoaster of separation and divorce.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Many of the women I work with marry their friend because they felt that having a good father for their children was more important than finding a man to be \u2018in love\u2019 with. These women comment on how great these men are as fathers and how important that relationship is to their children. They consider staying in the relationship because it isn\u2019t \u2018bad enough\u2019 to leave.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> My question is always: \u201cIs it good enough to stay?\u201d<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u201cBut what about the children?\u201d is generally the response.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> But what are you teaching your children by staying? They are wiser than you know. Do you want to teach them that it\u2019s ok to live an unfulfilled life, forever putting your happiness on hold for someone else? Or do you want to model knowing what you want, and going after it, with kindness and consideration for everyone around you as well as yourself?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Your children will be fine if you and your husband deal with your separation and divorce appropriately. That means keeping divorce-related discussions away from them and talking to the children together about your divorce with a united message of love and stability for them.\u00a0Neither of you are divorcing your children,and it\u2019s important they really hear that message.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> When your husband is just your friend, the world can feel like a very lonely place. You feel you should be grateful for the life you have because, well, it could be worse, right? Yes, it could, and<\/em> you also deserve to be in a happy relationship with a person you\u2019re in love with - if that\u2019s what you want.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Just because you\u2019re not utterly miserable does not mean you have to put up with a marriage that\u2019s not giving you everything you need. Even when he\u2019s a nice guy. (And if he\u2019s a nice guy that increases the odds you\u2019ll be able to have a collaborative, non-combative divorce, which is emotionally and financially the least damaging for everyone).<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You cant live your life for anyone but you. Not your children, and certainly not for your husband. Only you have the answers to whether the marriage you have right now is right for you. In my Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves - The Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/em>, I share my thoughts on how to know if you should leave. You can buy it here<\/a>.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It\u2019s a myth that divorce coaches like me only work with people who are getting divorced, or that we steer you towards divorce. I want you to feel happy and fulfilled in your life. And that means not being in a bad or under-par marriage.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> I am a specialist in divorce and its legal complexities, yes, but I am also a highly trained and experienced coach. That means I work with you to help you understand yourself better, so you can make wise choices about your future. Sometimes those choices mean working through issues with your husband and staying together, feeling the sort of satisfaction you hadn\u2019t dreamed possible. Sometimes they mean facing up to your marriage being over and working out what next so you can live the life you want to.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If your husband is just a friend and you are struggling to make sense of where you are at, book an Ask The Alchemist Session with me<\/a>.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> In just 90 minutes I can help you get the clarity you need to make a smart decision for you. Leave the agonising behind, and figure out once and for all whether your husband is the best friend you want and need in a spouse, or \u2018just the best friend\u2019 that leaves you wanting.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p><\/span>Why did you marry a friend?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Can he be more than your best friend?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Try relationship counselling or sex therapy<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>You are not greedy or selfish<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>You\u2019ll lose a husband and potentially a friend too<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>The children will be fine<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What do you want for yourself?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Coaching for clarity<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Should you divorce when your husband is just a friend?<\/h1>
Why did you marry a friend?<\/h2>
Can he be more than your best friend?<\/h2>
Try relationship counselling or sex therapy<\/h2>
You are not greedy or selfish<\/h2>
You\u2019ll lose a husband and potentially a friend too<\/h2>
The children will be fine<\/h2>
What do you want for yourself?<\/h2>
Coaching for clarity<\/h2>