[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Feel the fear and divorce anyway.<\/em>\u00a0Yes really. Moving forward in your divorce when fear overwhelms you is hard. It is, however, essential that you manage your fear and keep going. Otherwise you risk staying stuck \u2013 trapped in that powerlessness of fear and legally tied to a marriage you no longer want.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In Feel the fear and divorce anyway<\/em>, we look at how to work with and through your fear and regain a sense of co<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Remember that fear is normal. Going into uncertainty, particularly if you don\u2019t feel in control, is scary. You don\u2019t know what you don\u2019t know. You probably have no clear picture of the future: where you\u2019ll live, your finances, arrangements with children. I\u2019m yet to meet a woman who wasn\u2019t worried or scared about her divorce. You are not \u2018weak\u2019 \u2018pathetic\u2019 or \u2018silly\u2019. You are human, having a normal, healthy, human response to an emotionally stressful situation. So, you really can Feel the fear and divorce anyway<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Be curious about your fear. I\u2019m serious. Fear isn\u2019t just an inconvenience. It\u2019s there to keep us safe, and is worth investigating. Fear usually chooses the status quo \u2013 better the devil you know and all that. When change comes knocking, either of our choosing or not, fear tells us to ignore the door. But what does that feel like for you?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Fear can be full-blown anxiety and panic. It can be sweaty palms or a racing heart. It can be withdrawal and refusal to engage. You know your own fear pattern. Use that knowledge now. Think about other times you felt the fear and \u2018did it anyway\u2019.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n What needed to happen? What motivated and supported you to do the thing you didn\u2019t want to do? Importantly, what was the outcome?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Making friends with your fear means it\u2019s easier to tame. Your fear really is on your side, it\u2019s just that it might not always have the best answers for getting you through necessary but difficult situations.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Thank your fear for doing what it can to keep you where you are now, and, if you know that you need to act, let your fear know that you\u2019ve heard it and you respect it, but it\u2019s not in charge. Paraphrasing author Elizabeth Gilbert, you can let your fear along for the ride, but it\u2019s not in the driving seat. You really can Feel the fear and divorce anyway.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you don\u2019t listen to your fear, it will get louder. It will get so loud that it will become overwhelming. So the minute you notice those tell-tale signs, engage with them. Stay in charge. If you notice that your fears are irrational, acknowledge the irrationality of them. Is there any evidence to back up your fears or are they unhelpful stories and extreme worst-case scenarios? Exploring these questions honestly will help you plan accordingly, and feel more in control.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If your fears mask doubts about your decision to divorce, be open with yourself. Acknowledge your questions and explore them. Remember, you don\u2019t have to divorce. You can change your mind at any stage until the decree absolute. It can help to talk to someone outside your social circle \u2013 like a therapist or divorce coach. I promise you that no good divorce coach will encourage<\/em> you to get divorced \u2013 they will simply provide a safe space for you to be heard and explore your feelings.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you’re scared about the financial disclosure process because you feel you\u2019ll be manipulated or hoodwinked – speak out. Share this with your mediator, your solicitor your divorce coach or a trusted friend. Ignoring this kind of fear can be costly, emotionally and financially.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m too scared\u201d often means \u201cI don\u2019t want to\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m feeling sad about this\u201d. And that\u2019s ok. Naming your emotions honestly will help you deal with them appropriately. So explore what you\u2019re feeling, by speaking it out loud or writing it down if it helps. Working with anger is different to working with fear, or sadness, or shame. It\u2019s only when we sit with them awhile we see them for what we are, and can work with them appropriately.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Grief is a huge emotion in divorce – even when it\u2019s your idea. You are mourning the loss of your marriage, and the loss of the future you\u2019d once thought you\u2019d have together. Call it as it is. Grief is a normal emotion too. Embrace it, feel it, acknowledge it. Grief is a rollercoaster. Take action on the days you feel you can. When it all gets too much, you can and should rest.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Fear is a normal human emotion and it kicks in during new, unknown, stressful experiences. This means that if you are feeling fear, it\u2019s likely your ex is too – whatever they tell you to the contrary. If your ex appears angry, silent or is hiding money, chances are they are fearful too.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Recognising their fear is important for two reasons:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Unless your ex is hiding or dissipating assets, or you are physically or emotionally unsafe, you have time. There is no rush \u2013 divorce will still be legal later this year, or next year. So take small steps.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Learn to sit with your thoughts and practice mindfulness. This isn\u2019t a one-off task you can tick off a list, it\u2019s an on-going practice. Use an online programme or app such as Headspace<\/a> each day to calm yourself. This might not seem related to your divorce but I promise it is. It will significantly reduce that feeling of overwhelm which makes it easier for you to take wise action in all areas of your life.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Educate yourself. Learn about the divorce process. Consider your own unique circumstances. Think about what you want and need. Think about the life you want to have post divorce.\u00a0My Amazon bestseller, \u2018How To Be A Lady Who Leaves\u2019<\/a> tells you all you need to know to get ready.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Consider your finances. What money do you have to invest in your divorce? I say \u2018invest\u2019 because the money you spend on your divorce can either be the best money you ever spend (helping you build a new, independent future), or the utilisation of precious resources in the wrong place at the wrong time (see below re when to use a solicitor, for example).<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Not everyone needs a solicitor from the get-go. Not everyone can afford a solicitor at all. It doesn\u2019t mean that you have to stay married nor does it mean that you\u2019ll get screwed over if you have to do-it-yourself.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Decide what you can or want to do for yourself. Sure, a solicitor will petition on your behalf, yet you may decide to do this yourself either to save money or just because you can. You and your ex may be able to amicably disclose all assets and propose settlement without a solicitor. In which case you may only need a lawyer for final advice on your proposals\u00a0and drafting the consent order – great!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Mediation<\/a> can be a very helpful, and more cost effective option than the courts for sorting out financial or child arrangements if doing it between the two of you is problematic.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you’re in a high conflict situation, however, you will need to see a solicitor to ensure that your interests are fully protected.\u00a0And it\u2019s worth making sure you choose a solicitor who is experienced in high conflict cases.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n A divorce coach will help you sift through your worries and questions, and focus on what you value. She will support you to complete the tasks in hand in the right order and to remind you of the life you want for yourself after your divorce is over. All of this will save you emotional energy, time and money.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Divorce is challenging and there\u2019s no shame in needing a guiding hand or a gentle nudge, in fact, it\u2019s a brave and wise thing to invest in.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n There are no ostriches on my watch – divorce is too expensive to waste time and money being unproductive. But don\u2019t get me wrong, purposeful delay is good delay \u2013 it\u2019s about being the CEO of your divorce.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Equally, a good divorce coach will encourage you to \u2018hold your horses\u2019 when you\u2019re about to make rash decisions to get everything \u2018over with\u2019. Believe me, I\u2019ve worked with hundreds of women, and it won\u2019t be \u2018over with\u2019 \u2013 you\u2019ll just be left miserable, feeling like a mug and poor.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n And if you\u2019re truly out of energy, hope and at your lowest ebb, I\u2019ll be there with you, and help you take those tiny steps to get your divorce back on track.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019d like a chat about how I can support you through fear and beyond \u2013 I\u2019m happy to help. Just contact me<\/a> to book a free 30-minute consultation.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Feel the fear and divorce anyway Feel the fear and divorce anyway.\u00a0Yes really. Moving forward in your divorce when fear overwhelms you is hard. It is, however, essential that you manage your fear and keep going. Otherwise you risk staying stuck \u2013 trapped in that powerlessness of fear and legally tied to a marriage […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":15949,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> Feel the fear and divorce anyway.<\/em>\u00a0Yes really. Moving forward in your divorce when fear overwhelms you is hard. It is, however, essential that you manage your fear and keep going. Otherwise you risk staying stuck \u2013 trapped in that powerlessness of fear and legally tied to a marriage you no longer want.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> In Feel the fear and divorce anyway<\/em>, we look at how to work with and through your fear and regain a sense of co<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Remember that fear is normal. Going into uncertainty, particularly if you don\u2019t feel in control, is scary. You don\u2019t know what you don\u2019t know. You probably have no clear picture of the future: where you\u2019ll live, your finances, arrangements with children. I\u2019m yet to meet a woman who wasn\u2019t worried or scared about her divorce. You are not \u2018weak\u2019 \u2018pathetic\u2019 or \u2018silly\u2019. You are human, having a normal, healthy, human response to an emotionally stressful situation. So, you really can Feel the fear and divorce anyway<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Be curious about your fear. I\u2019m serious. Fear isn\u2019t just an inconvenience. It\u2019s there to keep us safe, and is worth investigating. Fear usually chooses the status quo \u2013 better the devil you know and all that. When change comes knocking, either of our choosing or not, fear tells us to ignore the door. But what does that feel like for you?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Fear can be full-blown anxiety and panic. It can be sweaty palms or a racing heart. It can be withdrawal and refusal to engage. You know your own fear pattern. Use that knowledge now. Think about other times you felt the fear and \u2018did it anyway\u2019.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> What needed to happen? What motivated and supported you to do the thing you didn\u2019t want to do? Importantly, what was the outcome?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Making friends with your fear means it\u2019s easier to tame. Your fear really is on your side, it\u2019s just that it might not always have the best answers for getting you through necessary but difficult situations.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Thank your fear for doing what it can to keep you where you are now, and, if you know that you need to act, let your fear know that you\u2019ve heard it and you respect it, but it\u2019s not in charge. Paraphrasing author Elizabeth Gilbert, you can let your fear along for the ride, but it\u2019s not in the driving seat. You really can Feel the fear and divorce anyway.<\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you don\u2019t listen to your fear, it will get louder. It will get so loud that it will become overwhelming. So the minute you notice those tell-tale signs, engage with them. Stay in charge. If you notice that your fears are irrational, acknowledge the irrationality of them. Is there any evidence to back up your fears or are they unhelpful stories and extreme worst-case scenarios? Exploring these questions honestly will help you plan accordingly, and feel more in control.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If your fears mask doubts about your decision to divorce, be open with yourself. Acknowledge your questions and explore them. Remember, you don\u2019t have to divorce. You can change your mind at any stage until the decree absolute. It can help to talk to someone outside your social circle \u2013 like a therapist or divorce coach. I promise you that no good divorce coach will encourage<\/em> you to get divorced \u2013 they will simply provide a safe space for you to be heard and explore your feelings.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you're scared about the financial disclosure process because you feel you\u2019ll be manipulated or hoodwinked - speak out. Share this with your mediator, your solicitor your divorce coach or a trusted friend. Ignoring this kind of fear can be costly, emotionally and financially.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u201cI\u2019m too scared\u201d often means \u201cI don\u2019t want to\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m feeling sad about this\u201d. And that\u2019s ok. Naming your emotions honestly will help you deal with them appropriately. So explore what you\u2019re feeling, by speaking it out loud or writing it down if it helps. Working with anger is different to working with fear, or sadness, or shame. It\u2019s only when we sit with them awhile we see them for what we are, and can work with them appropriately.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Grief is a huge emotion in divorce - even when it\u2019s your idea. You are mourning the loss of your marriage, and the loss of the future you\u2019d once thought you\u2019d have together. Call it as it is. Grief is a normal emotion too. Embrace it, feel it, acknowledge it. Grief is a rollercoaster. Take action on the days you feel you can. When it all gets too much, you can and should rest.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Fear is a normal human emotion and it kicks in during new, unknown, stressful experiences. This means that if you are feeling fear, it\u2019s likely your ex is too - whatever they tell you to the contrary. If your ex appears angry, silent or is hiding money, chances are they are fearful too.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Recognising their fear is important for two reasons:<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Unless your ex is hiding or dissipating assets, or you are physically or emotionally unsafe, you have time. There is no rush \u2013 divorce will still be legal later this year, or next year. So take small steps.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Learn to sit with your thoughts and practice mindfulness. This isn\u2019t a one-off task you can tick off a list, it\u2019s an on-going practice. Use an online programme or app such as Headspace<\/a> each day to calm yourself. This might not seem related to your divorce but I promise it is. It will significantly reduce that feeling of overwhelm which makes it easier for you to take wise action in all areas of your life.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Educate yourself. Learn about the divorce process. Consider your own unique circumstances. Think about what you want and need. Think about the life you want to have post divorce.\u00a0My Amazon bestseller, \u2018How To Be A Lady Who Leaves\u2019<\/a> tells you all you need to know to get ready.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Consider your finances. What money do you have to invest in your divorce? I say \u2018invest\u2019 because the money you spend on your divorce can either be the best money you ever spend (helping you build a new, independent future), or the utilisation of precious resources in the wrong place at the wrong time (see below re when to use a solicitor, for example).<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Not everyone needs a solicitor from the get-go. Not everyone can afford a solicitor at all. It doesn\u2019t mean that you have to stay married nor does it mean that you\u2019ll get screwed over if you have to do-it-yourself.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Decide what you can or want to do for yourself. Sure, a solicitor will petition on your behalf, yet you may decide to do this yourself either to save money or just because you can. You and your ex may be able to amicably disclose all assets and propose settlement without a solicitor. In which case you may only need a lawyer for final advice on your proposals\u00a0and drafting the consent order - great!<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Mediation<\/a> can be a very helpful, and more cost effective option than the courts for sorting out financial or child arrangements if doing it between the two of you is problematic.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you're in a high conflict situation, however, you will need to see a solicitor to ensure that your interests are fully protected.\u00a0And it\u2019s worth making sure you choose a solicitor who is experienced in high conflict cases.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> A divorce coach will help you sift through your worries and questions, and focus on what you value. She will support you to complete the tasks in hand in the right order and to remind you of the life you want for yourself after your divorce is over. All of this will save you emotional energy, time and money.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Divorce is challenging and there\u2019s no shame in needing a guiding hand or a gentle nudge, in fact, it\u2019s a brave and wise thing to invest in.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> There are no ostriches on my watch - divorce is too expensive to waste time and money being unproductive. But don\u2019t get me wrong, purposeful delay is good delay \u2013 it\u2019s about being the CEO of your divorce<\/a>.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Equally, a good divorce coach will encourage you to \u2018hold your horses\u2019 when you\u2019re about to make rash decisions to get everything \u2018over with\u2019. Believe me, I\u2019ve worked with hundreds of women, and it won\u2019t be \u2018over with\u2019 \u2013 you\u2019ll just be left miserable, feeling like a mug and poor.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And if you\u2019re truly out of energy, hope and at your lowest ebb, I\u2019ll be there with you, and help you take those tiny steps to get your divorce back on track.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you\u2019d like a chat about how I can support you through fear and beyond \u2013 I\u2019m happy to help. Just contact me<\/a> to book a free 30-minute consultation.<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12,20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15948","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-divorce-coaching"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-13.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-49e","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15948","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15948"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15948\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15949"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15948"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15948"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15948"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Fear is normal<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Be curious about your fear<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Make friends with your fear<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Listen to your fear<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t confuse fear with other emotions<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Remember, your ex is scared too<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Take small steps<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Use a solicitor at the right time for you<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Use a divorce coach to save your mental health and your money<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Feel the fear and divorce anyway<\/h1>
Fear is normal<\/h2>
Be curious about your fear<\/h2>
Make friends with your fear<\/h2>
Listen to your fear<\/h2>
Don\u2019t confuse fear with other emotions<\/h2>
Remember, your ex is scared too<\/h2>
Take small steps<\/h2>
Use a solicitor at the right time for you<\/h2>
Use a divorce coach to save your mental health and your money<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>