[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.22″][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.25″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.8″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified”]<\/p>\n
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Last week someone asked a juicy question in my Facebook Group. In Ladies Who Leave<\/a>: someone asked Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced? <\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s juicy because it\u2019s a dilemma faced by many people, and there is no simple answer for when or how to do this.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n UK work culture is still dominated by a \u2018stiff upper lip\u2019 approach \u2013 where the done thing is to keep your personal and professional life separate. Yet this is changing, with many organisations recognising that we are whole people, not robots. In this post, Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced? <\/em>we explore, whether, when and how to discuss your divorce with your boss.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Before we get stuck in a reminder. If you are feeling overwhelmed, or below par at work because of your divorce you are not alone. With 42% of marriages ending in divorce, and a cost to the UK economy of \u00a346 Billion in absenteeism, resignations, lost productivity and increased sick leave for mental health issues, divorce impacts all levels of the UK workforce. \u00a0A recent study<\/a> found 69% of high earners reported \u2018significant \u2018 problems in their relationships.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You are not alone, whether you are working on the minimum wage or earning \u00a3100,000 pa. So however isolated you feel, remember that this is something others are experiencing, and it\u2019s a valid reason for feeling low.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The short answer is yes \u2013 usually, it is a good idea. Being honest with your employer builds trust, especially if you \u2018haven\u2019t been yourself\u2019 recently. Consider where you are at professionally right now. How are things at work? Has the state of your marriage contributed to a drop in performance? Have you considered the link between your professional competence and how things are in your personal life?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you have been experiencing long-term emotional or physical abuse, it\u2019s possible you\u2019ve become a master at hiding it from others and yourself. This may mean that you\u2019re not even aware of the impact that the state of your relationship is having on your professional performance.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Now we know the answer to Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced?\u00a0 is usually yes, s<\/em>tick to the facts. Your employer is not the best place to turn for extended emotional advice. But they do need to be kept in the loop so they can support you. This is an issue where you can show your CEO qualities (see my blog on How to be CEO of Your Divorce<\/a> if you\u2019ve not seen it yet) \u2013 you can set the tone and take charge of how what you need to minimise the impact of your divorce on your work.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Tell them in brief what\u2019s going on and what you need (see below for more on this). Explain what you are doing to maintain your mental health and wellbeing, and that you recognise the circumstances in your personal life may impact on your job. Tell them about the appointments you have and time you may need to attend and prepare for them.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Be calm and measured but not a robot. Most employers (I hope) will realise that humans have human problems and this is part of life. Be real. Be you, without feeling shame or guilt. If you need a couple of days off, take them. Ask about any support available \u2013 there might be counselling or other therapeutic services you can access. Show your employer that you are handling the situation proactively and not becoming a victim to it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your employer doesn\u2019t need to know all the gory details. Your friends are the place for letting rip and venting. Calls with your therapist or divorce coach are where to process feelings and consider options. Your employer needs to know about your divorce only in relation to your work \u2013 the fact you are getting divorced is likely to involve time away from your work for appointments, and is likely to mean you\u2019re not always as \u2018on it\u2019 as you are in calmer times.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So stick to what\u2019s needed. If you have changed your address or bank account, let them know. Check your employment contract for any other obligations you may have regarding your change of circumstances.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s not just what <\/em>you tell your employer, it\u2019s how <\/em>you tell them. Ideally, telling your boss should be part of your divorce plan. It\u2019s helpful to approach them before they come to you. This shows strength. It allows you to remain in control of what you say and when.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Before you tell your boss, is there a trusted work colleague you can share with so you can ease your nerves and feel less isolated? Is there someone in the company who has been through divorce and told your boss? What happened?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Have you thought through what you want to say and what you want to get from the conversation? They will appreciate you coming to them with the necessary details of how your divorce is likely to affect your divorce \u2013 whether that\u2019s dates you need to be away from work, or simply letting them know you\u2019re feeling (understandably) more vulnerable than usual and you may need some flexibility.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Preparing yourself and doing your research will help you feel more confident so you are more likely to get what you need.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. There may be days when you need time for appointments with lawyers or the court. Even in a post-Covid world these appointments will likely be online but you\u2019ll still require a private space at home or work.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your emotions will rollercoaster too. Remember that it\u2019s unlikely you will get through your divorce without your boss finding out – so if you can, be upfront and honest. Your employer can only support you if they know what\u2019s really going on. And it\u2019s much better they hear about it from you than via the office grapevine.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Think about the demands of your job. Some careers require enhanced skills of concentration and care. Would you want your air traffic controller to be distracted by the latest development in her divorce? Would you be happy for your brain surgeon to be upset because her ex\u2019s lawyer sent a nasty letter? No! So be honest about the impact your divorce is having on you, and if needed, request adjustments. Can you do a different role if you are struggling for time and emotional stability for a while?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Perhaps you\u2019re worried that your boss will use this against you and think that you are \u2018weak\u2019? That, unfortunately, maybe the case with some employers so take a moment to research before you ask. If you think it likely your direct manager will be unsupportive, consider what rights you have. Think about:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Take any support that is offered, and hold firm on what you need. You don\u2019t get points for being a martyr \u2013 much as women have been conditioned to think that we need to be \u2018good\u2019 and not cause trouble. In fact, an awareness that you need support shows high emotional intelligence. It shows you know yourself and what you need. It shows that you know when to pull back and when to push on – this means your employer is more likely to trust your judgement. Denial that there is anything wrong can backfire spectacularly!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Make self-care a priority. This is true whether you have paid work or you are a stay-at-home-parent.\u00a0But your workplace shouldn\u2019t be the main place you deal with divorce-related feelings and logistics.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Use a divorce coach or therapist so you can keep divorce-related matters out of the workplace as much as possible. Just as you don\u2019t want to become \u2018a divorce bore\u2019 with your friends, your work colleagues and boss need you to be your professional self \u2013 albeit with some adjustments when things are difficult. Ensure you get the support you need outside of work so it doesn\u2019t become the place to process everything.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Does that mean you should never talk about your personal life at work? No! Follow the culture that already exists in your place of work. If talking about your private life is encouraged, talk but be mindful of what you share and how<\/em> you share it.<\/p>\n And bear in mind how well you are treated. It\u2019s probably unwise to add \u2018look for a new job\u2019 to the to-do list when you are going through a divorce, but your treatment at work might flag that your time, talents and energy might be better spent elsewhere in the future if you don\u2019t feel valued. Equally, they might show you how fantastic your employer is.<\/p>\n One of the best investments of your time and money is a divorce coach. It gives you time and space to vent, reflect and share whatever you need to about your situation in a safe and boundaried space. It means you can consider and make decisions with a supportive professional who\u2019s got your back. Which in turn enables you to get on with the rest of your life on a more even keel.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019d like to chat about how I can help you, you can book a call with me here<\/a>.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced? Last week someone asked a juicy question in my Facebook Group. In Ladies Who Leave: someone asked Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced? \u00a0 It\u2019s juicy because it\u2019s a dilemma faced by many people, and there is no simple answer for when or how […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":15966,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> Last week someone asked a juicy question in my Facebook Group. In Ladies Who Leave<\/a>: someone asked Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced? <\/em><\/p> \u00a0<\/em><\/p> It\u2019s juicy because it\u2019s a dilemma faced by many people, and there is no simple answer for when or how to do this.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> UK work culture is still dominated by a \u2018stiff upper lip\u2019 approach \u2013 where the done thing is to keep your personal and professional life separate. Yet this is changing, with many organisations recognising that we are whole people, not robots. In this post, Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced? <\/em>we explore, whether, when and how to discuss your divorce with your boss.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Before we get stuck in a reminder. If you are feeling overwhelmed, or below par at work because of your divorce you are not alone. With 42% of marriages ending in divorce, and a cost to the UK economy of \u00a346 Billion in absenteeism, resignations, lost productivity and increased sick leave for mental health issues, divorce impacts all levels of the UK workforce. \u00a0A recent study<\/a> found 69% of high earners reported \u2018significant \u2018 problems in their relationships.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You are not alone, whether you are working on the minimum wage or earning \u00a3100,000 pa. So however isolated you feel, remember that this is something others are experiencing, and it\u2019s a valid reason for feeling low.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The short answer is yes \u2013 usually, it is a good idea. Being honest with your employer builds trust, especially if you \u2018haven\u2019t been yourself\u2019 recently. Consider where you are at professionally right now. How are things at work? Has the state of your marriage contributed to a drop in performance? Have you considered the link between your professional competence and how things are in your personal life?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you have been experiencing long-term emotional or physical abuse, it\u2019s possible you\u2019ve become a master at hiding it from others and yourself. This may mean that you\u2019re not even aware of the impact that the state of your relationship is having on your professional performance.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Now we know the answer to Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced?\u00a0 is usually yes, s<\/em>tick to the facts. Your employer is not the best place to turn for extended emotional advice. But they do need to be kept in the loop so they can support you. This is an issue where you can show your CEO qualities (see my blog on How to be CEO of Your Divorce<\/a> if you\u2019ve not seen it yet) \u2013 you can set the tone and take charge of how what you need to minimise the impact of your divorce on your work.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Tell them in brief what\u2019s going on and what you need (see below for more on this). Explain what you are doing to maintain your mental health and wellbeing, and that you recognise the circumstances in your personal life may impact on your job. Tell them about the appointments you have and time you may need to attend and prepare for them.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Be calm and measured but not a robot. Most employers (I hope) will realise that humans have human problems and this is part of life. Be real. Be you, without feeling shame or guilt. If you need a couple of days off, take them. Ask about any support available \u2013 there might be counselling or other therapeutic services you can access. Show your employer that you are handling the situation proactively and not becoming a victim to it.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Your employer doesn\u2019t need to know all the gory details. Your friends are the place for letting rip and venting. Calls with your therapist or divorce coach are where to process feelings and consider options. Your employer needs to know about your divorce only in relation to your work \u2013 the fact you are getting divorced is likely to involve time away from your work for appointments, and is likely to mean you\u2019re not always as \u2018on it\u2019 as you are in calmer times.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> So stick to what\u2019s needed. If you have changed your address or bank account, let them know. Check your employment contract for any other obligations you may have regarding your change of circumstances.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p> It\u2019s not just what <\/em>you tell your employer, it\u2019s how <\/em>you tell them. Ideally, telling your boss should be part of your divorce plan. It\u2019s helpful to approach them before they come to you. This shows strength. It allows you to remain in control of what you say and when.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Before you tell your boss, is there a trusted work colleague you can share with so you can ease your nerves and feel less isolated? Is there someone in the company who has been through divorce and told your boss? What happened?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Have you thought through what you want to say and what you want to get from the conversation? They will appreciate you coming to them with the necessary details of how your divorce is likely to affect your divorce \u2013 whether that\u2019s dates you need to be away from work, or simply letting them know you\u2019re feeling (understandably) more vulnerable than usual and you may need some flexibility.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Preparing yourself and doing your research will help you feel more confident so you are more likely to get what you need.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. There may be days when you need time for appointments with lawyers or the court. Even in a post-Covid world these appointments will likely be online but you\u2019ll still require a private space at home or work.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Your emotions will rollercoaster too. Remember that it\u2019s unlikely you will get through your divorce without your boss finding out - so if you can, be upfront and honest. Your employer can only support you if they know what\u2019s really going on. And it\u2019s much better they hear about it from you than via the office grapevine.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Think about the demands of your job. Some careers require enhanced skills of concentration and care. Would you want your air traffic controller to be distracted by the latest development in her divorce? Would you be happy for your brain surgeon to be upset because her ex\u2019s lawyer sent a nasty letter? No! So be honest about the impact your divorce is having on you, and if needed, request adjustments. Can you do a different role if you are struggling for time and emotional stability for a while?<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Perhaps you\u2019re worried that your boss will use this against you and think that you are \u2018weak\u2019? That, unfortunately, maybe the case with some employers so take a moment to research before you ask. If you think it likely your direct manager will be unsupportive, consider what rights you have. Think about:<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Take any support that is offered, and hold firm on what you need. You don\u2019t get points for being a martyr \u2013 much as women have been conditioned to think that we need to be \u2018good\u2019 and not cause trouble. In fact, an awareness that you need support shows high emotional intelligence. It shows you know yourself and what you need. It shows that you know when to pull back and when to push on - this means your employer is more likely to trust your judgement. Denial that there is anything wrong can backfire spectacularly!<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Make self-care a priority. This is true whether you have paid work or you are a stay-at-home-parent.\u00a0But your workplace shouldn\u2019t be the main place you deal with divorce-related feelings and logistics.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Use a divorce coach or therapist so you can keep divorce-related matters out of the workplace as much as possible. Just as you don\u2019t want to become \u2018a divorce bore\u2019 with your friends, your work colleagues and boss need you to be your professional self \u2013 albeit with some adjustments when things are difficult. Ensure you get the support you need outside of work so it doesn\u2019t become the place to process everything.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Does that mean you should never talk about your personal life at work? No! Follow the culture that already exists in your place of work. If talking about your private life is encouraged, talk but be mindful of what you share and how<\/em> you share it.<\/p> And bear in mind how well you are treated. It\u2019s probably unwise to add \u2018look for a new job\u2019 to the to-do list when you are going through a divorce, but your treatment at work might flag that your time, talents and energy might be better spent elsewhere in the future if you don\u2019t feel valued. Equally, they might show you how fantastic your employer is.<\/p> One of the best investments of your time and money is a divorce coach. It gives you time and space to vent, reflect and share whatever you need to about your situation in a safe and boundaried space. It means you can consider and make decisions with a supportive professional who\u2019s got your back. Which in turn enables you to get on with the rest of your life on a more even keel.<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you\u2019d like to chat about how I can help you, you can book a call with me here<\/a>.<\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15965","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-49v","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-17.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15965","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15965"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15965\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15966"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15965"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15965"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15965"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>It\u2019s not just you<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What to say to your employer<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Less is often more<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>When to tell your employer?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Remember that divorce is a long process<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Ask for what you need<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Use what support is offered<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Look after yourself<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Using professional support<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced?<\/h1>
It\u2019s not just you<\/h2>
Should I tell my employer I\u2019m getting divorced?<\/h2>
What to say to your employer<\/h2>
Less is often more<\/h2>
When to tell your employer?<\/h2>
Remember that divorce is a long process<\/h2>
Ask for what you need<\/h2>
\u00a0<\/h2>
Use what support is offered<\/h2>
Look after yourself<\/h2>
Using professional support<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>