list of recommended books<\/a> to help.<\/p>\u00a0<\/p>
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Tell them it\u2019s not their fault<\/h2>
Children, particularly young children, often believe that they are responsible for the breakdown of their parent\u2019s relationship. This is because they try to make meaning from their own view of the world and the younger the child, the more egocentric that is. It\u2019s a normal part of child development but can cause children to believe they are the cause of issues in their parents\u2019 marriage.<\/p>
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Children may believe if they\u2019d been better behaved or got better school reports or achieved greater success in sport or exams that their parents wouldn\u2019t be angry or upset.<\/p>
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Remind your children frequently that your separation is nothing to do with them. Neither parent is separating from the children, simply from each other. Let them know it isn\u2019t their responsibility to \u2018fix\u2019 the situation and there\u2019s nothing they need to do other than keep being themselves.<\/p>
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Listen with your ears and watch with your eyes<\/h2>
Telling the children about your divorce<\/em> isn\u2019t a one-off event. You need to listen with your ears and watch with your eyes. Respond to their changing needs. Sometimes you\u2019ll notice your children being vocal about their hurt and upset. There may be lots of questions, tears and even rages at you about the situation. Remember, if you feel lost, sad and confused, it\u2019s likely that your children feel this way too.<\/p>\u00a0<\/p>
You may need to tune in to what isn\u2019t said or done. They might not be talking about your divorce but you notice their behaviour has changed. Have your children become quieter and withdrawn? Have they stopped caring about things that were once important to them? Are they moody or taking less care of their school work, appearance or friendships?\u00a0Are they angry at everything?<\/p>
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Understand that your children will be going through a whole range of emotions - just like you. If your children are teenagers some of these changes may be linked to normal pubescent behaviours, but any teenage angst they feel will likely be exacerbated by uncertainties within your family unit.<\/p>
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Give the children space to process<\/h2>
Just as you needed space to process the end of your marriage, so your children may need space to process the fact that the family unit as they\u2019ve known it is coming to an end and a new family situation is unfolding.<\/p>
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Acknowledge and allow their feelings rather than policing them (as long as they\u2019re not hurting anyone). Your children need to know they are not being shamed for feeling bad, and that feeling upset, angry, fearful or guilty are natural responses.<\/p>
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Let them know you\u2019re there to talk or listen if they need it.\u00a0If they would rather speak to someone else, help them find someone safe to share their feelings with. Maybe a family friend, an older friend who\u2019s experienced their parents\u2019 separation, or a counsellor.<\/p>
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Be open and honest \u2013 but have boundaries<\/h2>
Don\u2019t hide the facts from your children \u2013 they are smart! And But this doesn\u2019t mean telling them all the details of your relationship breakdown. They don\u2019t need to know their other parent is \u2018bad\u2019, \u2018selfish\u2019 or an adulterer. It rocks your children\u2019s world to hear you talk badly about their parent. You are responsible for your behaviour, and your ex for theirs. Chances are, if your ex has behaved poorly, the children will see that anyway.<\/p>
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Be open and honest about the things they do need to know \u2013 the things that affect them, and age-appropriate explanations for what is happening. However old they are - even if they are in their late teens or early twenties and in relationships of their own, they are your children and you are the parents. There are aspects of your relationship that they may not need to know.<\/p>
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Being honest might mean saying \u201cI\u2019ll be honest with you - the answer to the question you have asked is none of your business and I\u2019m not going to answer it. I am the parent and you are my child. I\u2019ll be honest with you about things you need to know\u201d.<\/p>
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Tell them what's happening next<\/h2>
It\u2019s human nature to want to know what\u2019s happening. We all find change hard, especially when it\u2019s imposed on us. Let them be involved in some decisions if possible, to give them a sense of control and autonomy.<\/p>
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Let them choose new bedding, or what\u2019s for dinner. If you create new weekly routines, let them be part of shaping that, with appropriate limits. For example, they don\u2019t get to choose which days they\u2019re with which parent, but they might decide a new tradition of having pancakes and a film on the Friday nights they are with you.<\/p>
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Keep your children and teens in the loop about things that impact them. Tell them what\u2019s happening. If you don\u2019t know what\u2019s happening next say so.<\/p>
But remind them that until something does change, everything will be as it is now and that they have you and they are safe.<\/p>
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Let them enjoy their relationship with their other parent<\/h2>
Don\u2019t criticise their other parent even if they are criticising you. It\u2019s hard, but take the higher ground.<\/p>
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Accept that you cannot influence what the other parent does (in the absence of safeguarding concerns). Parallel parenting, rather than co-parenting, is useful if you cannot agree on a parenting style. It means you take responsibility for what you do with the children and let your ex do the same. So the children might experience different styles, rules and habits with each parent. So long as your ex is not being harmful, your children will adapt.<\/p>
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Letting go of the need to control what the other parent does gives you inner peace and allows the children to enjoy their time with that parent. It also means they don\u2019t get caught in any crossfire. It is far better for their wellbeing that they live in two, different, peaceful households than a raging, angry one.<\/p>
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Get support<\/strong><\/p>If you suspect that your children or teens are struggling to cope emotionally, get them support. Speak to their school or GP - many schools have resources for children of divorcing parents. Seek a referral to CAMHS if you feel that greater support is needed. Let your children know that it\u2019s okay not to be okay and that this means them too!<\/p>
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Get support for yourself if you need it \u2013 and you probably will. Asking for help isn\u2019t a weakness but a sign of great strength. Who can you ask to support you? What small things would make a big difference? A few hours with childcare or a home-cooked meal? A coffee without the children so you can vent and cry with a trusted friend?<\/p>
Ask for what you need<\/h2>
Think about how you\u2019d respond if a friend needed your help. Would you make extra chilli and deliver it? Would you have her children for a couple of hours after school? Remember that the help that you\u2019d be delighted to give is waiting for you if you\u2019d only ask.<\/p>
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If your mental health is struggling, don\u2019t be afraid speak to your GP. You do not need to struggle on alone. Mental health is as important as physical health, and you\u2019re likely to be feeling lower than usual. \u00a0Medication and or talking therapies might be useful to support your transition into being a separated parent.<\/p>
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Be kind to yourself<\/h2>
These are challenging times for all of us \u2013 the challenge is only going to be more difficult if you are divorcing. Know that you are doing amazing work keeping your family alive at the end of every day.<\/p>
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Homeschooling is tough. Spending months in the same house with little respite is tough. Money may be tight and with the decision to divorce, life just got a whole lot more uncertain. Though it\u2019s worth it, for all of you. Children included, even though they may not see that yet.<\/p>
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So be kind to yourself. If you find it hard to be kind, reach out. Both myself and the ladies in The Absolute Academy<\/a> can support you to put yourself first whilst still being the great mother, sister and daughter that you are.<\/p>\u00a0<\/p>
I\u2019m always happy to chat through how I can support you. You can book in a call here.<\/a><\/p>About Emma<\/h2>
Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[2784],"class_list":["post-15977","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-and-divorce","category-divorce-support","tag-divorce-and-children"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-20.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-49H","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15977","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15977"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15977\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15978"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15977"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15977"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15977"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}