[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.21.0″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Lockdown shone a spotlight on how we live. Things we once took for granted (toilet roll, anyone?) are no longer a given. We adapted to new routines: working from home, homeschooling, zoom \u2018pub\u2019 nights. We had days when we felt we\u2019d got it sussed, and days when gin at 10 am seemed the only solution.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n We\u2019ve got through the worst of lockdown, for now. We can now access childcare, hair salons, pubs. But nothing\u2019s quite as it was \u2013 both in the world and in ourselves.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n As lockdown in the UK eases even further, now\u2019s the time to reflect on the lessons we\u2019ve learned. This blog takes you through a series of questions to help you work out your own lockdown lessons \u2013 and what it means for your future.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Let\u2019s start with you as an individual, then we\u2019ll move onto your marriage. Grab a pen and paper, this one\u2019s interactive!\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Lockdown tested all of us in different ways. Maybe it was loneliness that was the killer for you. Or maybe lack of headspace with a houseful of children all day. Each one of us will have our own gremlins. But to learn from them we first need to understand what they are.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Now\u2019s the time for your notebook. Set a time for just three minutes, write: During lockdown my biggest struggles were\u2026\u2019 and let your pen flow.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Once you\u2019ve finished, read over what you\u2019ve written. What have you learned about yourself? Are there struggles you can prevent or lessen in the future, if we have another lockdown?\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n However tough you\u2019ve found life recently, if you\u2019re reading this you\u2019ve made it this far! And that\u2019s something to be proud of when life is hard. Now\u2019s the time to dig into self-compassion. What has lockdown taught you about your strengths?\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Again, set a timer for three minutes, write \u2018I\u2019m proud of myself for\u2026\u2019, and write.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Every little thing counts. Often the little things are the big things. Get it all down and recognise what you\u2019ve achieved.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Now you\u2019ve looked at the hard bits and the better bits. That will give you a sense of what you need.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n What would make your life easier? How can you access those resources? Who can help you? It might be expertise, it might simply be more time with friends to feel like yourself again.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Write \u2018Lockdown has taught me I need\u2026\u2019, set a timer for three minutes and go.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n It\u2019s hard to make changes when our thoughts and time are cluttered with things we don\u2019t need. All of us will have learned lessons about what we don\u2019t want \u2013 habits, thoughts, maybe friendships that are no longer serving us well.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Write: \u2018As we leave lockdown, I will leave behind\u2026\u2019 set your timer, and get it all down.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Your answers to those questions will help you understand what\u2019s important to you. You\u2019ve looked at what you found difficult, areas you can congratulate yourself for, and what you need and don\u2019t need in your life. That\u2019s powerful stuff.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Now let\u2019s think about your marriage\u2026<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Let\u2019s start off simple. Give your marriage a score. This score comes without personal judgement \u2013 it\u2019s not looking at whether you or your spouse could\u2019ve done better or worse. It\u2019s just your take on what is.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n On a scale where:<\/span><\/p>\n 5 = <\/span> lockdown has been brilliant for my marriage, it\u2019s brought us together and shown us how much we value each other<\/span><\/p>\n 0 = <\/span> lockdown has had no effect on my marriage, it\u2019s pretty much as it was before\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n -5 = <\/span> lockdown has pushed us apart, it\u2019s made our marriage much worse<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Give yourself a number. Don\u2019t spend ages thinking about it, go with the first number that comes into your head. Often our first thoughts tell the truth.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Now, think about what that means.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2026<\/b>great! What was it about lockdown that brought you together? What is it that you value in your spouse that perhaps you didn\u2019t notice before? And, crucially \u2013 how can you keep that vibe going as lockdown eases?\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n For example, maybe you got along much better because with the office closed they\/you had more time at home. How will you keep that going when the office reopens?<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Think about how to hold onto the things that have brought you together. And if you can\u2019t \u2013 have a conversation about what you\u2019re going to do about it. For example, if your spouse has to return to working away from home, can you timetable in a day off a month where you just spend time with each other? What solutions can you come up with?\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2026what does that tell you? Think about how strong your marriage was before. It might be that you have a great relationship, and lockdown hasn\u2019t changed anything because you\u2019ve rolled with it, and are both as happy as you were before. You can adapt to the changes and make the best of it.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Or it might be that your marriage was flat and miserable before, and lockdown hasn\u2019t really made it worse, but it\u2019s not brought you together either. The cracks that were there are still there. Even a global pandemic hasn\u2019t changed that.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Or it might be something in between. Think about what your lockdown lessons are if you feel the same now as you did in March.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2026it doesn\u2019t necessarily mean it\u2019s the end. Lockdown created new, difficult pressures that will hopefully ease. But it does mean it\u2019s time for a conversation. Every healthy marriage needs healthy communication. That means being able to state your needs and feelings without blame and work together to decide what next.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n So think about what made your marriage worse. Maybe you treated each other badly because you were under each other\u2019s feet all the time. Maybe the stress of juggling childcare and work between you meant you had no time for each other. If it was lockdown-specific issues like these, now is the time to plan.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n How can you deal with them if we\u2019re locked down again? What can you put in place? 10 minutes a day that\u2019s set in stone where you have a cup of tea together and talk? Making sure you get alone time so you don\u2019t want to throttle each other?<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Or maybe lockdown highlighted existing problems in your marriage and shone a full-beam light on them. Perhaps there are issues that were staring you in the face all along. And lockdown has meant you\u2019ve finally had to acknowledge them.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n If that\u2019s the case, it\u2019s more important than ever that you talk. You can\u2019t carry on as you are. And you can\u2019t go back to how things were, because that wasn\u2019t good either.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Something needs to change. A relationship counsellor can help you talk things through. It may be lockdown was just the lesson you both needed to get your marriage back on track. Or it may be that you are looking at a future apart. Either way, you need to take action.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Whether your marriage was better, the same or worse after lockdown, you may decide to go your separate ways. This may feel strange, especially if lockdown actually strengthened your marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But know that you\u2019re not alone. Many of my clients have found that lockdown showed them that they want more out of life. Even if their spouse was a wonder-partner during lockdown. There\u2019s nothing like a global pandemic to remind us that life is short and to go after what we want.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n The first thing to do is sit with your feelings. Don\u2019t act straight away. Let your decision settle. Give yourself chance to think and feel the emotions before setting anything in motion. You may decide to broach the subject with your spouse and see how they react. They may surprise you by feeling the same way. Or they may be stunned.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Either way, it\u2019s good to be sure in your own mind before taking on other people\u2019s thoughts and opinions. And believe me, everyone has plenty of those when it comes to separation and divorce!.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n The next thing to do is make a plan. Again, this doesn\u2019t need to involve drastic action. It\u2019s about getting paperwork together. And it\u2019s about knowing what\u2019s important to you and what you need in your newly single life. Unless your personal safety (emotionally or physically) is at risk there\u2019s no need to leave straight away. It\u2019s far better to know what you want and need first.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n To get started on thinking about your divorce plan, <\/span>read my blog here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n If you decide that your marriage is at an end, you\u2019re likely to have a whole storm of feelings. You may feel excited now you\u2019ve made your decision. You may feel hopeful and excited for a better future ahead. Or you may feel overwhelmed about how to get through it all. You may feel confused by friends and family chipping in with their own advice. You may feel all these things within the space of an hour!\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n Divorce is not easy, but it can be empowering. It is a route to living the life you want. What you need is clarity on what to do, and a trusted community of people who have your back.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a> is a community of women navigating divorce. (Actually, some have already divorced but they get so much from the group they\u2019ve stayed!). We have weekly zooms and you have access to all my resources on getting divorce ready. Plus you have a circle of supporters who have your back, as well as my legal and coaching expertise.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you want to power your way through divorce, this Autumn I\u2019m running Get Divorce Ready. It\u2019s an 8 week programme (run over 10 weeks to give you time to take action) so I can be alongside you as you navigate your divorce journey. I\u2019ll be there every step of the way. And you join The Absolute Academy for three months as part of the deal.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And if you want answers quickly, just for you, then you can work with me privately. We look at your specific situation in depth. You get my coaching expertise to help you make the right decision.\u00a0 And my legal expertise ensures you\u2019re empowered rather than bamboozled by the system. You can <\/span>book a one to one with me here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Whatever your lockdown lessons about life and marriage, make sure you take action. I\u2019m here whenever you need me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Lockdown shone a spotlight on how we live. Things we once took for granted (toilet roll, anyone?) are no longer a given. We adapted to new routines: working from home, homeschooling, zoom \u2018pub\u2019 nights. We had days when we felt we\u2019d got it sussed, and days when gin at 10 am seemed the only solution.\u00a0\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":15995,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> Lockdown shone a spotlight on how we live. Things we once took for granted (toilet roll, anyone?) are no longer a given. We adapted to new routines: working from home, homeschooling, zoom \u2018pub\u2019 nights. We had days when we felt we\u2019d got it sussed, and days when gin at 10 am seemed the only solution.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> We\u2019ve got through the worst of lockdown, for now. We can now access childcare, hair salons, pubs. But nothing\u2019s quite as it was \u2013 both in the world and in ourselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> As lockdown in the UK eases even further, now\u2019s the time to reflect on the lessons we\u2019ve learned. This blog takes you through a series of questions to help you work out your own lockdown lessons \u2013 and what it means for your future.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Let\u2019s start with you as an individual, then we\u2019ll move onto your marriage. Grab a pen and paper, this one\u2019s interactive!\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Lockdown tested all of us in different ways. Maybe it was loneliness that was the killer for you. Or maybe lack of headspace with a houseful of children all day. Each one of us will have our own gremlins. But to learn from them we first need to understand what they are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Now\u2019s the time for your notebook. Set a time for just three minutes, write: During lockdown my biggest struggles were\u2026\u2019 and let your pen flow.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Once you\u2019ve finished, read over what you\u2019ve written. What have you learned about yourself? Are there struggles you can prevent or lessen in the future, if we have another lockdown?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> However tough you\u2019ve found life recently, if you\u2019re reading this you\u2019ve made it this far! And that\u2019s something to be proud of when life is hard. Now\u2019s the time to dig into self-compassion. What has lockdown taught you about your strengths?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Again, set a timer for three minutes, write \u2018I\u2019m proud of myself for\u2026\u2019, and write.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Every little thing counts. Often the little things are the big things. Get it all down and recognise what you\u2019ve achieved.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Now you\u2019ve looked at the hard bits and the better bits. That will give you a sense of what you need.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> What would make your life easier? How can you access those resources? Who can help you? It might be expertise, it might simply be more time with friends to feel like yourself again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Write \u2018Lockdown has taught me I need\u2026\u2019, set a timer for three minutes and go.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It\u2019s hard to make changes when our thoughts and time are cluttered with things we don\u2019t need. All of us will have learned lessons about what we don\u2019t want \u2013 habits, thoughts, maybe friendships that are no longer serving us well.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Write: \u2018As we leave lockdown, I will leave behind\u2026\u2019 set your timer, and get it all down.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Your answers to those questions will help you understand what\u2019s important to you. You\u2019ve looked at what you found difficult, areas you can congratulate yourself for, and what you need and don\u2019t need in your life. That\u2019s powerful stuff.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Now let\u2019s think about your marriage\u2026<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Let\u2019s start off simple. Give your marriage a score. This score comes without personal judgement \u2013 it\u2019s not looking at whether you or your spouse could\u2019ve done better or worse. It\u2019s just your take on what is.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> On a scale where:<\/span><\/p> 5 = <\/span> lockdown has been brilliant for my marriage, it\u2019s brought us together and shown us how much we value each other<\/span><\/p> 0 = <\/span> lockdown has had no effect on my marriage, it\u2019s pretty much as it was before\u00a0<\/span><\/p> -5 = <\/span> lockdown has pushed us apart, it\u2019s made our marriage much worse<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Give yourself a number. Don\u2019t spend ages thinking about it, go with the first number that comes into your head. Often our first thoughts tell the truth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Now, think about what that means.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u2026<\/b>great! What was it about lockdown that brought you together? What is it that you value in your spouse that perhaps you didn\u2019t notice before? And, crucially \u2013 how can you keep that vibe going as lockdown eases?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> For example, maybe you got along much better because with the office closed they\/you had more time at home. How will you keep that going when the office reopens?<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Think about how to hold onto the things that have brought you together. And if you can\u2019t \u2013 have a conversation about what you\u2019re going to do about it. For example, if your spouse has to return to working away from home, can you timetable in a day off a month where you just spend time with each other? What solutions can you come up with?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u2026what does that tell you? Think about how strong your marriage was before. It might be that you have a great relationship, and lockdown hasn\u2019t changed anything because you\u2019ve rolled with it, and are both as happy as you were before. You can adapt to the changes and make the best of it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Or it might be that your marriage was flat and miserable before, and lockdown hasn\u2019t really made it worse, but it\u2019s not brought you together either. The cracks that were there are still there. Even a global pandemic hasn\u2019t changed that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Or it might be something in between. Think about what your lockdown lessons are if you feel the same now as you did in March.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u2026it doesn\u2019t necessarily mean it\u2019s the end. Lockdown created new, difficult pressures that will hopefully ease. But it does mean it\u2019s time for a conversation. Every healthy marriage needs healthy communication. That means being able to state your needs and feelings without blame and work together to decide what next.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> So think about what made your marriage worse. Maybe you treated each other badly because you were under each other\u2019s feet all the time. Maybe the stress of juggling childcare and work between you meant you had no time for each other. If it was lockdown-specific issues like these, now is the time to plan.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> How can you deal with them if we\u2019re locked down again? What can you put in place? 10 minutes a day that\u2019s set in stone where you have a cup of tea together and talk? Making sure you get alone time so you don\u2019t want to throttle each other?<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Or maybe lockdown highlighted existing problems in your marriage and shone a full-beam light on them. Perhaps there are issues that were staring you in the face all along. And lockdown has meant you\u2019ve finally had to acknowledge them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If that\u2019s the case, it\u2019s more important than ever that you talk. You can\u2019t carry on as you are. And you can\u2019t go back to how things were, because that wasn\u2019t good either.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Something needs to change. A relationship counsellor can help you talk things through. It may be lockdown was just the lesson you both needed to get your marriage back on track. Or it may be that you are looking at a future apart. Either way, you need to take action.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Whether your marriage was better, the same or worse after lockdown, you may decide to go your separate ways. This may feel strange, especially if lockdown actually strengthened your marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> But know that you\u2019re not alone. Many of my clients have found that lockdown showed them that they want more out of life. Even if their spouse was a wonder-partner during lockdown. There\u2019s nothing like a global pandemic to remind us that life is short and to go after what we want.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The first thing to do is sit with your feelings. Don\u2019t act straight away. Let your decision settle. Give yourself chance to think and feel the emotions before setting anything in motion. You may decide to broach the subject with your spouse and see how they react. They may surprise you by feeling the same way. Or they may be stunned.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Either way, it\u2019s good to be sure in your own mind before taking on other people\u2019s thoughts and opinions. And believe me, everyone has plenty of those when it comes to separation and divorce!.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The next thing to do is make a plan. Again, this doesn\u2019t need to involve drastic action. It\u2019s about getting paperwork together. And it\u2019s about knowing what\u2019s important to you and what you need in your newly single life. Unless your personal safety (emotionally or physically) is at risk there\u2019s no need to leave straight away. It\u2019s far better to know what you want and need first.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> To get started on thinking about your divorce plan, <\/span>read my blog here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you decide that your marriage is at an end, you\u2019re likely to have a whole storm of feelings. You may feel excited now you\u2019ve made your decision. You may feel hopeful and excited for a better future ahead. Or you may feel overwhelmed about how to get through it all. You may feel confused by friends and family chipping in with their own advice. You may feel all these things within the space of an hour!\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Divorce is not easy, but it can be empowering. It is a route to living the life you want. What you need is clarity on what to do, and a trusted community of people who have your back.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a> is a community of women navigating divorce. (Actually, some have already divorced but they get so much from the group they\u2019ve stayed!). We have weekly zooms and you have access to all my resources on getting divorce ready. Plus you have a circle of supporters who have your back, as well as my legal and coaching expertise.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you want to power your way through divorce, this Autumn I\u2019m running Get Divorce Ready. It\u2019s an 8 week programme (run over 10 weeks to give you time to take action) so I can be alongside you as you navigate your divorce journey. I\u2019ll be there every step of the way. And you join The Absolute Academy for three months as part of the deal. To be the first to hear about it <\/span>join the waitlist here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And if you want answers quickly, just for you, then you can work with me privately. We look at your specific situation in depth. You get my coaching expertise to help you make the right decision.\u00a0 And my legal expertise ensures you\u2019re empowered rather than bamboozled by the system. You can <\/span><\/span>What were your lockdown struggles?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What are you proud of?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What do you need going forward?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What do you want to leave behind?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What impact has lockdown had on your marriage?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>If your marriage is better as a result of lockdown\u2026<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>If your marriage is about the same\u2026<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>If your marriage is worse after lockdown\u2026<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What if you want to separate?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Get support\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Lockdown Lessons: What did you learn about yourself and your marriage?<\/h1>
What were your lockdown struggles?<\/h2>
What are you proud of?<\/h2>
What do you need going forward?<\/h2>
What do you want to leave behind?<\/h2>
What impact has lockdown had on your marriage?<\/h2>
If your marriage is better as a result of lockdown\u2026<\/h2>
If your marriage is about the same\u2026<\/h2>
If your marriage is worse after lockdown\u2026<\/h2>
What if you want to separate?<\/h2>
Get support<\/h2>