{"id":16012,"date":"2020-09-27T05:28:55","date_gmt":"2020-09-27T04:28:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=16012"},"modified":"2023-08-14T11:14:50","modified_gmt":"2023-08-14T10:14:50","slug":"how-to-get-ready-for-a-high-conflict-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-get-ready-for-a-high-conflict-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"How to get ready for a high conflict divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221;][et_pb_code _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221;]<iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/17579456\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/c5b2b1\/\" height=\"90\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\"  allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen><\/iframe>[\/et_pb_code][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.21.0&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; header_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; header_2_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_2_text_color=&#8221;#c984a4&#8243; header_3_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_3_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; text_orientation=&#8221;justified&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; theme_builder_area=&#8221;post_content&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Divorce is not the happiest time of your life &#8211; fact. If your marriage isn\u2019t working, it is a helpful and necessary step to a happier life. But while it\u2019s happening the best you can hope for is that it\u2019s peaceful and straightforward.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Unfortunately, if you\u2019re married to someone with a high conflict personality, that\u2019s unlikely to happen.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So in <\/span><em>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce, <\/em><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">we examine what you can do to turn down the rough, turn up the smooth and navigate your high conflict divorce with grace and power.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"are_you_in_a_high_conflict_relationship\"><\/span>Are you in a high conflict relationship?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s start with whether your relationship is high conflict or not. There\u2019s a chance you\u2019ll have a gut feeling about this already. But to be clear \u2013 conflict is part of any relationship. It is part of life and it is part of being human. If you and your spouse niggle at each other every so often, it\u2019s unlikely you\u2019re in a high conflict relationship.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What about if you\u2019re rowing all the time? Well, it doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you\u2019re married to a high conflict person either. It may be that you have got to a point in your relationship where you just don\u2019t get on. Whatever each of you does rubs the other up the wrong way. This may be temporary, because you\u2019re going through a rough patch. Or it may be because your relationship is coming to an end.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Either way, pressing reset will help. You can do this yourselves in a neutral place (ideally with other people around \u2013 a socially distanced caf\u00e9 perhaps). And talk through what\u2019s going on for both of you, calmly. Or you can seek support through a relationship counsellor or mediator.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This sort of mutual anger and resentment in a relationship doesn\u2019t (by itself) mean you\u2019re in a high conflict pattern. When I refer to high conflict personalities I am talking about a set of behaviours that can leave the other person disorientated and disempowered. Let\u2019s look at these now.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"how_does_a_high_conflict_person_behave\"><\/span>How does a high conflict person behave?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The main difference between arguments with a high conflict personality and those without are whether they make sense. Let\u2019s take a small example. You resent that your spouse never takes the bins out (or vice versa). And you have a heated row about it.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In typical conflict scenarios, the arguments will more or less stay on topic. You may say things you regret, and go over the top, but both of you are sparring equally. And you both know what you\u2019re talking about.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In high conflict scenarios, you will find all manner of confusing logic thrown at you. The other person will accept no blame or wrongdoing, and will twist facts to justify their position. Their emotions will roam wildly out of control.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are four main ways high conflict people behave:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They never accept blame themselves; they always project onto others<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The HCP doesn&#8217;t see nuance; everything is all or nothing<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The HCP has wild emotions; they are not able to contain their anger or negativity<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">HCP&#8217;s show unpredictable and unreasonable behaviour; they do things most others would consider unreasonable.<\/span>\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can find out more about whether you are <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/are-you-living-with-a-high-conflict-person\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">living with a high conflict person here.<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"how_to_get_ready_for_a_high_conflict_divorce\"><\/span>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"prepare_yourself_mentally\"><\/span>Prepare yourself mentally\u00a0<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, if you are married to a high conflict personality, the first thing you need to do is accept it. As I\u2019ve said, the ideal scenario in divorce is peaceful co-operation. That is the opposite of what you can expect in high conflict cases.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your soon-to-be-ex will try to thwart you at every turn. Sometimes actively \u2013 maybe by lying, or instructing their solicitor to oppose your plans, even when they are fair. Sometimes passively \u2013 for example by ignoring your requests for information \u2013 even if they come via a solicitor. Or denying they agreed to something that you discussed last week.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This feels unfair. Why did you get this deal? What makes your best friend have a happy marriage, with none of these problems? Why, when your sister divorced two years ago was it smooth running, and you have to deal with all this?\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It is unfair. The trouble is, there are no answers to these questions of fairness. You can spend a lot of mental and emotional energy tying yourself in knots. The thing to do is to accept that you are where you are. You do not want to stay married to this high conflict person (good!) and so you need to deal with the situation you have.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m not saying this is easy. But it is necessary. And the rest of <em>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce<\/em> will help you get prepared. So you can remove as many of the obstacles to divorce as possible, without your ex getting in the way.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"know_your_numbers\"><\/span>Know your numbers\u00a0<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am famous for saying you should never divorce without knowing your numbers. You need to know all your marital and individual assets and liabilities. Your soon-to-be-ex is unlikely to hand these to you on a plate. So you may need a little longer to access them, and you may need some support.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But don\u2019t let this put you off. Knowledge is power. Start to get together all your facts and numbers as soon as you can. Log-in to neglected bank accounts, go through old folders. Keep everything organised, digitally and in paper files. Don\u2019t worry about gaps for now \u2013 the more you can gather, the easier it will be to identify and fill the gaps down the line.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My Amazon bestselling book <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-be-a-lady-who-leaves-book-3rd-edition\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018How To Be A Lady Who Leaves\u2019<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is a great starting point to help you get organised.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"keep_records_of_discussions\"><\/span>Keep records of discussions\u00a0<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">High conflict personalities are notorious for stating black is white. Be prepared for your ex to deny anything that they agreed to by phone last week. So, as far as possible, keep all communication and agreements in writing. Backed up by evidence.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you have children a third-party app such as <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Our Family Wizard<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is fantastic for ensuring you have an uneditable record of arrangements in one place.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"get_your_support_in_place\"><\/span>Get your support in place\u00a0<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can\u2019t rely on your ex for support or co-operation. So build your circle. You will want moral and practical support from friends. Those you can vent and rage to (do not rage at your ex \u2013 more on this in a minute!). People to help with childcare or food. People to look after you as you do the hard but necessary work of taking control of your divorce. Create a safe emotional bubble around you as you embark on your divorce journey.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You may also need expert help. People who have been in high conflict relationships often need help unpacking their trauma. Get help with your emotional needs \u2013 either from a counsellor to work through the past, or from a coach like me to plan for the future.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If finances are complicated you may want to seek independent advice. This is worth it &#8211; especially as your ex will do everything they can to stand in your way.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"take_charge_of_communication\"><\/span>Take charge of communication\u00a0<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You will know from your experience of living with this person that conversations get twisted. That they will claim you did and said all sorts of dreadful things. You can\u2019t control that. What you can do is play your part in keeping the heat down low.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hard as it might be, that means de-escalating conversations. Not rising to the bait. Don\u2019t engage. That doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re agreeing with them, or letting them win. It means you\u2019re not adding fuel to the fire. (And if it makes you feel better, they will hate this, because they thrive on conflict!)<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So keep your communication to the point, and fact based. Do not get de-railed. And keep your feelings out of it, whatever gets thrown in your direction.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"get_divorce_ready\"><\/span>Get divorce ready\u00a0<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This autumn I am running Get Divorce Ready for women who want to take action. It\u2019s for you if you want to make your life as simple as possible before and during divorce \u2013 whether you\u2019re divorcing a high conflict personality or not. If <em>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce\u00a0<\/em>resonated with you, you&#8217;ll find the two weeks we spend on dealing with high conflict personalities invaluable.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">With detailed workbooks alongside weekly calls in a small group there is plenty of scope to get to grips with your situation. Let me help you take as much stress as possible out of divorce by getting organised and getting empowered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Divorce is not the happiest time of your life &#8211; fact. If your marriage isn\u2019t working, it is a helpful and necessary step to a happier life. But while it\u2019s happening the best you can hope for is that it\u2019s peaceful and straightforward.\u00a0\u00a0 Unfortunately, if you\u2019re married to someone with a high conflict personality, that\u2019s [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16013,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<h1>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce<\/h1><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Divorce is not the happiest time of your life - fact. If your marriage isn\u2019t working, it is a helpful and necessary step to a happier life. But while it\u2019s happening the best you can hope for is that it\u2019s peaceful and straightforward.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Unfortunately, if you\u2019re married to someone with a high conflict personality, that\u2019s unlikely to happen.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So in <\/span><em>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce, <\/em><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">we examine what you can do to turn down the rough, turn up the smooth and navigate your high conflict divorce with grace and power.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Are you in a high conflict relationship?<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s start with whether your relationship is high conflict or not. There\u2019s a chance you\u2019ll have a gut feeling about this already. But to be clear \u2013 conflict is part of any relationship. It is part of life and it is part of being human. If you and your spouse niggle at each other every so often, it\u2019s unlikely you\u2019re in a high conflict relationship.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What about if you\u2019re rowing all the time? Well, it doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you\u2019re married to a high conflict person either. It may be that you have got to a point in your relationship where you just don\u2019t get on. Whatever each of you does rubs the other up the wrong way. This may be temporary, because you\u2019re going through a rough patch. Or it may be because your relationship is coming to an end.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Either way, pressing reset will help. You can do this yourselves in a neutral place (ideally with other people around \u2013 a socially distanced caf\u00e9 perhaps). And talk through what\u2019s going on for both of you, calmly. Or you can seek support through a relationship counsellor or mediator.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This sort of mutual anger and resentment in a relationship doesn\u2019t (by itself) mean you\u2019re in a high conflict pattern. When I refer to high conflict personalities I am talking about a set of behaviours that can leave the other person disorientated and disempowered. Let\u2019s look at these now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>How does a high conflict person behave?<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The main difference between arguments with a high conflict personality and those without are whether they make sense. Let\u2019s take a small example. You resent that your spouse never takes the bins out (or vice versa). And you have a heated row about it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In typical conflict scenarios, the arguments will more or less stay on topic. You may say things you regret, and go over the top, but both of you are sparring equally. And you both know what you\u2019re talking about.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In high conflict scenarios, you will find all manner of confusing logic thrown at you. The other person will accept no blame or wrongdoing, and will twist facts to justify their position. Their emotions will roam wildly out of control.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are four main ways high conflict people behave:<\/span><\/p><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They never accept blame themselves; they always project onto others<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The HCP doesn't see nuance; everything is all or nothing<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The HCP has wild emotions; they are not able to contain their anger or negativity<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">HCP's show unpredictable and unreasonable behaviour; they do things most others would consider unreasonable.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can find out more about whether you are <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/are-you-living-with-a-high-conflict-person\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">living with a high conflict person here.<\/span><\/a><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce<\/h2><h3>Prepare yourself mentally<\/h3><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, if you are married to a high conflict personality, the first thing you need to do is accept it. As I\u2019ve said, the ideal scenario in divorce is peaceful co-operation. That is the opposite of what you can expect in high conflict cases.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your soon-to-be-ex will try to thwart you at every turn. Sometimes actively \u2013 maybe by lying, or instructing their solicitor to oppose your plans, even when they are fair. Sometimes passively \u2013 for example by ignoring your requests for information \u2013 even if they come via a solicitor. Or denying they agreed to something that you discussed last week.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This feels unfair. Why did you get this deal? What makes your best friend have a happy marriage, with none of these problems? Why, when your sister divorced two years ago was it smooth running, and you have to deal with all this?\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It is unfair. The trouble is, there are no answers to these questions of fairness. You can spend a lot of mental and emotional energy tying yourself in knots. The thing to do is to accept that you are where you are. You do not want to stay married to this high conflict person (good!) and so you need to deal with the situation you have.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m not saying this is easy. But it is necessary. And the rest of <em>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce<\/em> will help you get prepared. So you can remove as many of the obstacles to divorce as possible, without your ex getting in the way.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3>Know your numbers<\/h3><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am famous for saying you should never divorce without knowing your numbers. You need to know all your marital and individual assets and liabilities. Your soon-to-be-ex is unlikely to hand these to you on a plate. So you may need a little longer to access them, and you may need some support.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But don\u2019t let this put you off. Knowledge is power. Start to get together all your facts and numbers as soon as you can. Log-in to neglected bank accounts, go through old folders. Keep everything organised, digitally and in paper files. Don\u2019t worry about gaps for now \u2013 the more you can gather, the easier it will be to identify and fill the gaps down the line.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My Amazon bestselling book <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/product\/lady-leaves-book\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018How To Be A Lady Who Leaves\u2019<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is a great starting point to help you get organised.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3>Keep records of discussions<\/h3><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">High conflict personalities are notorious for stating black is white. Be prepared for your ex to deny anything that they agreed to by phone last week. So, as far as possible, keep all communication and agreements in writing. Backed up by evidence.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you have children a third-party app such as <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Our Family Wizard<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is fantastic for ensuring you have an uneditable record of arrangements in one place.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3>Get your support in place<\/h3><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can\u2019t rely on your ex for support or co-operation. So build your circle. You will want moral and practical support from friends. Those you can vent and rage to (do not rage at your ex \u2013 more on this in a minute!). People to help with childcare or food. People to look after you as you do the hard but necessary work of taking control of your divorce. Create a safe emotional bubble around you as you embark on your divorce journey.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You may also need expert help. People who have been in high conflict relationships often need help unpacking their trauma. Get help with your emotional needs \u2013 either from a counsellor to work through the past, or from a coach like me to plan for the future.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If finances are complicated you may want to seek independent advice. This is worth it - especially as your ex will do everything they can to stand in your way.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h3>Take charge of communication<\/h3><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You will know from your experience of living with this person that conversations get twisted. That they will claim you did and said all sorts of dreadful things. You can\u2019t control that. What you can do is play your part in keeping the heat down low.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hard as it might be, that means de-escalating conversations. Not rising to the bait. Don\u2019t engage. That doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re agreeing with them, or letting them win. It means you\u2019re not adding fuel to the fire. (And if it makes you feel better, they will hate this, because they thrive on conflict!)<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So keep your communication to the point, and fact based. Do not get de-railed. And keep your feelings out of it, whatever gets thrown in your direction.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Get divorce ready<\/h2><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This autumn I am running Get Divorce Ready for women who want to take action. It\u2019s for you if you want to make your life as simple as possible before and during divorce \u2013 whether you\u2019re divorcing a high conflict personality or not. If <em>How to get ready for a high conflict divorce\u00a0<\/em>resonated with you, you'll find the two weeks we spend on dealing with high conflict personalities invaluable.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">With detailed workbooks alongside weekly calls in a small group there is plenty of scope to get to grips with your situation. Let me help you take as much stress as possible out of divorce by getting organised and getting empowered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can find out more and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/getdivorcereadywaitlist\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">join the waitlist here<\/span><\/a><\/p><h2>About Emma<\/h2><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[582,12,301],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16012","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-divorce-support","category-podcast"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-11.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4ag","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16012","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16012"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16012\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16013"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16012"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16012"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16012"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}