{"id":16015,"date":"2020-10-03T06:14:18","date_gmt":"2020-10-03T05:14:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=16015"},"modified":"2023-05-18T11:37:48","modified_gmt":"2023-05-18T10:37:48","slug":"you-know-you-want-to-divorce-now-what","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/you-know-you-want-to-divorce-now-what\/","title":{"rendered":"You know you want to divorce. Now what?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_code _builder_version=&#8221;4.16&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221;]<iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/17580065\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/c5b2b1\/\" height=\"90\" width=\"100%\" scrolling=\"no\"  allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen><\/iframe>[\/et_pb_code][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.20.4&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; header_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; header_2_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_2_text_color=&#8221;#c984a4&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; text_orientation=&#8221;justified&#8221; hover_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243; global_colors_info=&#8221;{}&#8221; sticky_enabled=&#8221;0&#8243;]<\/p>\n<h1>You know you want to divorce. Now what?<\/h1>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><em>You know you want to divorce. Now what? <\/em>is for you if you<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0already know you want to divorce. If it\u2019s something you\u2019re considering, take a look at <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/has-the-coronavirus-pandemic-made-you-consider-divorce\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">this blog about decision-making<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So you know you want to divorce, but now what? Chances are your head\u2019s spinning and your heart\u2019s hurting a bit. You may also feel relief or a sense of clarity now you\u2019ve made the decision. It\u2019s all valid and all normal. This blog will take you through what you need to do next \u2013 and some things you do NOT need to do just yet!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">First up, let\u2019s look at some of the feelings that might be bringing you down.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"swamped_by_guilt\"><\/span>Swamped by guilt<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re full of guilt because you want to divorce you are not alone. It\u2019s one of the most common responses clients share with me. Especially if it was your choice, not your ex\u2019s. Especially if you have children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You will not be able to wish away your guilt. All the rational talk from me will most likely still leave you with guilt. We are socialised to please others, and to put others needs before our own.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But remember this. If your marriage is no longer happy or healthy, and you have explored all the options, divorce is a good thing. It\u2019s good for you, for your ex, and for the rest of your family in the long run.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">No one wants to live their life knowing they could be freer and happier elsewhere. No child wants to live with angry, resentful, withdrawn or wilted parents. Children want to see their parents happy and confident. It is fine for you to meet your own needs and go after what\u2019s important to you. It is good for everyone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"feeling_the_fear\"><\/span>Feeling the fear<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Often, when we\u2019re afraid of something we avoid it. We want to feel safe. We don\u2019t want the discomfort of the fear. The trouble is, we stay stuck. Some of our most invigorating, feeling alive moments are ones that make us feel fear. Think of the tension and exhilaration from riding a rollercoaster. Think about something you were really nervous about \u2013 an exam, interview or presentation maybe \u2013 and how satisfied you felt afterwards.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s often scary doing the things we value. Facing our fear is an essential part of living life. If we don\u2019t, we never get to the good bits. And we never get that sense of achieving what is important to us, even though it\u2019s hard.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So don\u2019t wait to feel less afraid before you get started on your divorce. Only by stretching yourself will you start to feel more comfortable. Your fear will just have to come along for the ride. You can read more about <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/feel-the-fear-and-divorce-anyway\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">working with fear here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"hold_onto_why\"><\/span>Hold onto why<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You may also be flying high \u2013 the adrenaline buzz of making the decision and knowing you\u2019re ready for change. And that\u2019s great! Embrace it. Just a word of caution \u2013 you will come down off that buzz at some point. The truth is that divorce will be hard work. Just like all things that are worthwhile in life. There will be some downs at some point. And they will rock you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When that happens you need to hold onto why. Why you are doing this? Think about the past you want to leave behind and the future you\u2019re building. What\u2019s at the heart of it? What do you most care about that your marriage isn\u2019t giving you? Hold onto that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Write it down: \u2018My marriage brings me xx [current negative value or feeling]. I no longer want that in my life. My divorce will enable y [value or feeling that\u2019s important to you]. I am building that future now.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep those sentences close so you can return to them again and again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now we\u2019ve looked at your internal landscape &#8211; let\u2019s look at two things you definitely need to do next.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"do_know_what_you_want\"><\/span>Do: know what you want<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We\u2019ve just looked at your why. It\u2019s the foundation of the new life you are building with your divorce. You can use that foundation to work out your next steps. What\u2019s important to you? Is there anything you want to keep from the life you have now? What do you want to change?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When I ask these questions I\u2019m not talking about things. It\u2019s not about who gets the wedding silver, or even the cat. I\u2019m talking about the way in which you live your life. Is connection important to you? Do you want to stay connected to important people? Is security important to you? That will inform your financial and home planning. Is adventure important? How can you bring more of that into your life now?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of the lines I\u2019m famous for saying when it comes to divorce is \u2018You take yourself with you\u2019. Divorce on its own won\u2019t be the answer to all your problems. But if you\u2019re clear on what you want, and create more of that now, you\u2019re on track. <em>You know you want to divorce. Now what? <\/em>isn&#8217;t about waiting you don\u2019t need to wait for your decree nisi to make your desires happen.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"do_get_organised\"><\/span>Do: get organised<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I know &#8211; it sounds boring. It might sound obvious. But it\u2019s true. You need to get organised: with your time, your energy, and your paperwork. Let\u2019s take each of these in turn.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s start with time. Unfortunately, we can\u2019t create our perfect divorce process. While each divorce is unique, there is a particular legal sequence to go through to make it happen. There\u2019s no getting around that. So you will be required to supply information, probably attend appointments, make decisions. These will most likely be things you don\u2019t want to do. But you need to prioritise them and you need to make space for them. That might mean temporarily dropping other things \u2013 evening classes, or volunteering, or extra responsibilities at work. Be professional and open about what you\u2019ve got on.\u00a0 Be clear that your divorce will be a priority for the coming months. You may well be pleasantly surprised at how many people cut you slack and offer to help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now \u2013 your energy. There are so many demands on our energy and attention! It\u2019s your most precious asset, so protect it. Decide who and what to give your energy to. Are you someone who tends to find themselves scrolling through Facebook, getting caught up in other people\u2019s dramas? Do yourself a favour, and stop. Give your energy to the people who matter to you, and to the activities that move you and your divorce forward.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Finally \u2013 your paperwork. It will save you so much hassle if you know where everything is! Invest in some files, and invest time in setting up a digital system. This sets you up for smooth running as you progress through your divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"do_get_a_solicitor_in_these_situations\"><\/span>Do: get a solicitor in these situations<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>You will need a solicitor at the start in some situations. If you&#8217;re in a high conflict divorce with a man who is financially controlling &#8211; moving money, hiding assets or denying you access to funds. You may also need a solicitor straight away if you&#8217;re experiencing physical or significant emotional abuse &#8211; check whether you&#8217;re eligible for legal aid.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now \u2013 what about the don\u2019ts?!<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"dont_lash_out\"><\/span>Don\u2019t: lash out<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The ideal divorce is smooth, co-operative, and peaceful. Sadly, many women don\u2019t get that. And even the most collaborative of divorces will have its sticky patches. Your ex, their legal representation, or friends, or family will do or say things that have you gnashing your teeth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Whatever you do, don\u2019t react in anger. I don\u2019t mean you have to take whatever bad behaviour is coming your way. You can definitely respond, and set boundaries. If your ex has overstepped the line in how they communicate, keep a record of it. Make it clear that\u2019s not acceptable. Auntie Nora\u2019s chipped in with how divorce is bad for the children? You can certainly let her know that you have your children\u2019s best interests at heart.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The key thing is to keep calm. This is easier said than done, I know. But if you\u2019ve decided to divorce, you know that divorce is what\u2019s important here. Not power games with your ex. Not soothing the egos or worries of friends or family. Your calm leadership in your divorce will show them you know what you\u2019re doing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"dont_instruct_a_solicitor-_yet\"><\/span>Don\u2019t: instruct a solicitor- yet<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of the first actions many people take when deciding to divorce is to instruct a solicitor. Don\u2019t! This may come as a surprise, but you don\u2019t need a solicitor yet. You may not need one at all if you have an uncomplicated situation until you reach an agreement.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The key here is in the phrase \u2018instruct\u2019. Your solicitor is there to provide legal advice and then act upon your instructions. But how do you know what those instructions are? You need to get clear on what you want first. And you need to find someone else to do emotional processing with. Solicitors are usually both an inadequately trained and an expensive source of emotional support. Leave them to do what they\u2019re good at \u2013 the legalities.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So if you\u2019re not going to instruct a solicitor, what are you going to do? You\u2019re going to get clear on what you want and need, and get your paperwork in order, of course!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can find all the basics for <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.gov.uk\/divorce\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">the legal system in England and Wales<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> here. And my Amazon bestseller <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-be-a-lady-who-leaves-book-3rd-edition\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is your one stop for not only the legal side, but also the practical and emotional too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"the_support_you_need\"><\/span>The support you need<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Just because you\u2019re not instructing a solicitor straight away doesn\u2019t mean you need to go it alone. Get Divorce Ready is happening this autumn \u2013 an eight week programme in which I walk by your side as you get going.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re not sure of what to do first, this is for you. Feel <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">a cheerleading squad will help? this is for you. If you want to make sure you\u2019re asking the right questions and planning for the future, this is for you. It\u2019s everything you need to ensure you take control, and stay in the driving seat, whatever comes your way. Places are strictly limited so you get the support and attention you need.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For more information and to get on the wait list, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/get-divorce-ready\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">read all about Get Divorce Ready here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And if you want to chat about other ways I can support you as you divorce, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">book in a chat here.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You know you want to divorce. Now what? &nbsp; You know you want to divorce. Now what? is for you if you\u00a0already know you want to divorce. If it\u2019s something you\u2019re considering, take a look at this blog about decision-making.\u00a0 &nbsp; So you know you want to divorce, but now what? Chances are your head\u2019s [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16016,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<h1>You know you want to divorce. Now what?<\/h1><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><em>You know you want to divorce. Now what? <\/em>is for you if you<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0already know you want to divorce. If it\u2019s something you\u2019re considering, take a look at <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/has-the-coronavirus-pandemic-made-you-consider-divorce\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">this blog about decision-making<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So you know you want to divorce, but now what? Chances are your head\u2019s spinning and your heart\u2019s hurting a bit. You may also feel relief or a sense of clarity now you\u2019ve made the decision. It\u2019s all valid and all normal. This blog will take you through what you need to do next \u2013 and some things you do NOT need to do just yet!\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">First up, let\u2019s look at some of the feelings that might be bringing you down.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Swamped by guilt<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re full of guilt because you want to divorce you are not alone. It\u2019s one of the most common responses clients share with me. Especially if it was your choice, not your ex\u2019s. Especially if you have children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You will not be able to wish away your guilt. All the rational talk from me will most likely still leave you with guilt. We are socialised to please others, and to put others needs before our own.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But remember this. If your marriage is no longer happy or healthy, and you have explored all the options, divorce is a good thing. It\u2019s good for you, for your ex, and for the rest of your family in the long run.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">No one wants to live their life knowing they could be freer and happier elsewhere. No child wants to live with angry, resentful, withdrawn or wilted parents. Children want to see their parents happy and confident. It is fine for you to meet your own needs and go after what\u2019s important to you. It is good for everyone.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Feeling the fear<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Often, when we\u2019re afraid of something we avoid it. We want to feel safe. We don\u2019t want the discomfort of the fear. The trouble is, we stay stuck. Some of our most invigorating, feeling alive moments are ones that make us feel fear. Think of the tension and exhilaration from riding a rollercoaster. Think about something you were really nervous about \u2013 an exam, interview or presentation maybe \u2013 and how satisfied you felt afterwards.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s often scary doing the things we value. Facing our fear is an essential part of living life. If we don\u2019t, we never get to the good bits. And we never get that sense of achieving what is important to us, even though it\u2019s hard.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So don\u2019t wait to feel less afraid before you get started on your divorce. Only by stretching yourself will you start to feel more comfortable. Your fear will just have to come along for the ride. You can read more about <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/feel-the-fear-and-divorce-anyway\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">working with fear here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Hold onto why<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You may also be flying high \u2013 the adrenaline buzz of making the decision and knowing you\u2019re ready for change. And that\u2019s great! Embrace it. Just a word of caution \u2013 you will come down off that buzz at some point. The truth is that divorce will be hard work. Just like all things that are worthwhile in life. There will be some downs at some point. And they will rock you.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When that happens you need to hold onto why. Why you are doing this? Think about the past you want to leave behind and the future you\u2019re building. What\u2019s at the heart of it? What do you most care about that your marriage isn\u2019t giving you? Hold onto that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Write it down: \u2018My marriage brings me xx [current negative value or feeling]. I no longer want that in my life. My divorce will enable y [value or feeling that\u2019s important to you]. I am building that future now.\u2019<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Keep those sentences close so you can return to them again and again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now we\u2019ve looked at your internal landscape - let\u2019s look at two things you definitely need to do next.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Do: know what you want<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We\u2019ve just looked at your why. It\u2019s the foundation of the new life you are building with your divorce. You can use that foundation to work out your next steps. What\u2019s important to you? Is there anything you want to keep from the life you have now? What do you want to change?\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When I ask these questions I\u2019m not talking about things. It\u2019s not about who gets the wedding silver, or even the cat. I\u2019m talking about the way in which you live your life. Is connection important to you? Do you want to stay connected to important people? Is security important to you? That will inform your financial and home planning. Is adventure important? How can you bring more of that into your life now?\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of the lines I\u2019m famous for saying when it comes to divorce is \u2018You take yourself with you\u2019. Divorce on its own won\u2019t be the answer to all your problems. But if you\u2019re clear on what you want, and create more of that now, you\u2019re on track. <em>You know you want to divorce. Now what? <\/em>isn't about waiting you don\u2019t need to wait for your decree nisi to make your desires happen.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Do: get organised<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I know - it sounds boring. It might sound obvious. But it\u2019s true. You need to get organised: with your time, your energy, and your paperwork. Let\u2019s take each of these in turn.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s start with time. Unfortunately, we can\u2019t create our perfect divorce process. While each divorce is unique, there is a particular legal sequence to go through to make it happen. There\u2019s no getting around that. So you will be required to supply information, probably attend appointments, make decisions. These will most likely be things you don\u2019t want to do. But you need to prioritise them and you need to make space for them. That might mean temporarily dropping other things \u2013 evening classes, or volunteering, or extra responsibilities at work. Be professional and open about what you\u2019ve got on.\u00a0 Be clear that your divorce will be a priority for the coming months. You may well be pleasantly surprised at how many people cut you slack and offer to help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now \u2013 your energy. There are so many demands on our energy and attention! It\u2019s your most precious asset, so protect it. Decide who and what to give your energy to. Are you someone who tends to find themselves scrolling through Facebook, getting caught up in other people\u2019s dramas? Do yourself a favour, and stop. Give your energy to the people who matter to you, and to the activities that move you and your divorce forward.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Finally \u2013 your paperwork. It will save you so much hassle if you know where everything is! Invest in some files, and invest time in setting up a digital system. This sets you up for smooth running as you progress through your divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2>Do: get a solicitor in these situations<\/h2><p>You will need a solicitor at the start in some situations. If you're in a high conflict divorce with a man who is financially controlling - moving money, hiding assets or denying you access to funds. You may also need a solicitor straight away if you're experiencing physical or significant emotional abuse - check whether you're eligible for legal aid.<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now \u2013 what about the don\u2019ts?!<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Don\u2019t: lash out<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The ideal divorce is smooth, co-operative, and peaceful. Sadly, many women don\u2019t get that. And even the most collaborative of divorces will have its sticky patches. Your ex, their legal representation, or friends, or family will do or say things that have you gnashing your teeth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Whatever you do, don\u2019t react in anger. I don\u2019t mean you have to take whatever bad behaviour is coming your way. You can definitely respond, and set boundaries. If your ex has overstepped the line in how they communicate, keep a record of it. Make it clear that\u2019s not acceptable. Auntie Nora\u2019s chipped in with how divorce is bad for the children? You can certainly let her know that you have your children\u2019s best interests at heart.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The key thing is to keep calm. This is easier said than done, I know. But if you\u2019ve decided to divorce, you know that divorce is what\u2019s important here. Not power games with your ex. Not soothing the egos or worries of friends or family. Your calm leadership in your divorce will show them you know what you\u2019re doing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><h2>Don\u2019t: instruct a solicitor- yet<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One of the first actions many people take when deciding to divorce is to instruct a solicitor. Don\u2019t! This may come as a surprise, but you don\u2019t need a solicitor yet. You may not need one at all if you have an uncomplicated situation until you reach an agreement.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The key here is in the phrase \u2018instruct\u2019. Your solicitor is there to provide legal advice and then act upon your instructions. But how do you know what those instructions are? You need to get clear on what you want first. And you need to find someone else to do emotional processing with. Solicitors are usually both an inadequately trained and an expensive source of emotional support. Leave them to do what they\u2019re good at \u2013 the legalities.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So if you\u2019re not going to instruct a solicitor, what are you going to do? You\u2019re going to get clear on what you want and need, and get your paperwork in order, of course!\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You can find all the basics for <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.gov.uk\/divorce\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">the legal system in England and Wales<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> here. And my Amazon bestseller <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/product\/lady-leaves-book\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is your one stop for not only the legal side, but also the practical and emotional too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><h2>The support you need<\/h2><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Just because you\u2019re not instructing a solicitor straight away doesn\u2019t mean you need to go it alone. Get Divorce Ready is happening this autumn \u2013 an eight week programme in which I walk by your side as you get going.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re not sure of what to do first, this is for you. Feel <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">a cheerleading squad will help? this is for you. If you want to make sure you\u2019re asking the right questions and planning for the future, this is for you. It\u2019s everything you need to ensure you take control, and stay in the driving seat, whatever comes your way. Places are strictly limited so you get the support and attention you need.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For more information and to get on the wait list, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/getdivorcereadywaitlist\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">read all about Get Divorce Ready here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And if you want to chat about other ways I can support you as you divorce, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">book in a chat here.<\/span><\/a><\/p><h2>About Emma<\/h2><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,582,301,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-podcast","category-thinking-about-a-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-12.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4aj","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16015","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16015"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16015\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16016"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16015"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16015"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16015"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}