[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.21.0″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
So you\u2019ve made up your mind. You\u2019ve thought it through; you know this isn\u2019t just a rough patch. Whether it\u2019s lockdown that was the final straw or it\u2019s simply your time \u2013 you know. But how to tell your spouse you want a divorce? <\/span><\/p>\n This blog takes you through all the practical and mental preparation you need. It gets you in a place where you can handle objections that come your way, and ready for that tricky conversation. <\/span><\/p>\n The best way to tell your husband\/wife you want a divorce is on your own, face to face. But the absolute priority here is your safety, and that of your children. If you are concerned about staying safe once they know, get out first. Pack a bag. Make sure you have key documents for you and the children (passports, birth certificates etc.). And get to a place of safety. <\/span><\/p>\n I have a whole chapter on divorce and domestic violence in my book How To Be A Lady Who Leaves. Get yourself a copy here<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n Planning what you\u2019re going to say helps both you and them. It helps you because it means you come across clearly and more confidently. When we don\u2019t plan important conversations, especially if they are emotive, we can find ourselves spinning in circles. <\/span><\/p>\n You need to get clear in your own mind what you want to say. There are three main points you will need to get across:<\/span><\/p>\n You need to think about all of these elements (we will go into them in more depth in this blog, don\u2019t worry). Once you\u2019ve read this blog, take some time to plan it all out. Write out bullet points. Chat to yourself out loud if you can, or practice with a friend, and hear yourself saying it. <\/span><\/p>\n How does it feel? Do you believe you? If you don\u2019t believe you, your spouse won\u2019t either.<\/span><\/p>\n Planning what you\u2019ll say helps calm your nerves too. Just like preparing for an interview, exam or giving a talk. <\/span><\/p>\n Saying you want a divorce is fairly straightforward \u2013 however difficult it might feel. It\u2019s the next bit that\u2019s tricky. How do you explain why? This part is important to help your husband\/wife accept and understand what you\u2019re saying. It shows you\u2019ve put thought into this and aren\u2019t just reacting in a moment of hurt or anger. <\/span><\/p>\n So think about why divorce is your next step. What has got you here? How is it different to the life you want to be living? What is important to you? <\/span><\/p>\n You know the person you\u2019re married to best. Consider what they\u2019re going to say and plan your response. If you\u2019ve thought about why you want a divorce you already know their objections won\u2019t change your mind. <\/span><\/p>\n They may beg and plead with you to stay. If that\u2019s the case, acknowledge the feelings. They are in a different place in the grief cycle to you \u2013 you can read more about the grief cycle here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Acknowledging and validating how your spouse responds to the news doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re changing your mind. It simply means you are showing respect, and as far as possible, setting the foundations for a more collaborative divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n So give them space to say what they need to say – so long as it isn\u2019t abusive. Remember you never have to be available for abuse. <\/span><\/p>\n When\u2019s the best time to have this difficult conversation? There\u2019s no one perfect time \u2013 it will depend on your personal circumstances. How to tell your spouse you want a divorce? In general, it\u2019s best done when you are both calm, as unrushed as possible, and have time to talk. So just before rushing out the door for work is not ideal. Just before bed isn\u2019t great. When the children are sleeping but you have some time before your own bedtime might be a good slot to aim for. <\/span><\/p>\n If you are worried about how they will react, choose a neutral place, such as a caf\u00e9. You are both more likely to keep your cool. <\/span><\/p>\n No one can argue with how you feel. And it\u2019s important to own what you\u2019re saying. Speaking from your own point of view means talking from you using \u2018I\u2019 statements for example \u201cI feel…\u201d \u201cFor me…\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n So don\u2019t say, \u2018This marriage isn\u2019t working\u2019 as though that\u2019s objective fact (which can be debated).\u00a0 <\/span>Instead, say \u201cI\u2019ve been feeling as though we\u2019ve drifted apart for a long time now\u201d, or whatever is relevant to you. <\/span><\/p>\n You can never be wrong about your own point of view. Of course, they will have their point of view too! And that\u2019s fine. The best-case scenario is that you can speak openly with each other, listening to the other person. If you have decided you want a divorce, this conversation is unlikely to be about changing your mind. It\u2019s more about being honest about how you are feeling and what you want to happen. <\/span><\/p>\n With any difficult conversation it is a good idea to think about what you want to get out of it before you start. So think about what you want to happen next. This helps both of you move forward. And it prevents the conversation focussing on who is right or wrong. <\/span><\/p>\n It may be that mediation is the next step for you both. Either because you think there\u2019s still a chance you can save your marriage, or to help you separate peacefully. It may be that one of you needs to agree to move out. Or it may be that you need to rearrange the house so you can co-habit for a short while. <\/span><\/p>\n Think about what your ideal outcome for the conversation is, and be ready with reasons. This reinforces the message that you\u2019ve thought everything through and are serious. <\/span><\/p>\n Be consistent in your message. Don\u2019t say you want a divorce then suggest reconciliation, or giving it another go, the next week. If you suspect that your spouse may be on the autistic spectrum this is doubly important. <\/span><\/p>\n Again, preparation will help here. It\u2019s a bit like media training for politicians \u2013 know what key points you want to get across and stick to them! This doesn\u2019t mean ignoring anything your husband\/wife has to say on the matter. You can address their concerns. <\/span><\/p>\n But be clear about your own reasons, your needs, and your expectations for what happens next. This helps create a sense of clarity and stability at a difficult time. <\/span><\/p>\n As I said at the start \u2013 safety comes before everything else in divorce. How to tell your spouse you want a divorce? Take care of your emotional, physical and financial safety first. <\/span><\/p>\n And the next most important thing to doing divorce well is preparation. Not only does it save a lot of time and emotional spiralling, it will save you money. <\/span><\/p>\n If you are safe, Get Divorce Ready<\/span><\/a>, my group programme, may be for you. It will help how to tell your spouse you want a divorce, because you\u2019ll get your ducks in a row and have chance to work through your feelings. So you\u2019ll know exactly why you want to get divorced and what you want to happen next. <\/span><\/p>\n Get Divorce Ready starts on 27 October 2020. You get eight weeks of group coaching calls, weekly videos and workbooks, and a secret facebook group to support each other. It takes you through exactly what you need to do, when and how, to Get Divorce Ready. <\/span><\/p>\n And best of all? It\u2019s free to members of The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>. You just have to join by 26 October 2020. You can sign up here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" So you\u2019ve made up your mind. You\u2019ve thought it through; you know this isn\u2019t just a rough patch. Whether it\u2019s lockdown that was the final straw or it\u2019s simply your time \u2013 you know. But how to tell your spouse you want a divorce? This blog takes you through all the practical and mental preparation […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16027,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" So you\u2019ve made up your mind. You\u2019ve thought it through; you know this isn\u2019t just a rough patch. Whether it\u2019s lockdown that was the final straw or it\u2019s simply your time \u2013 you know. But how to tell your spouse you want a divorce? <\/span><\/p> This blog takes you through all the practical and mental preparation you need. It gets you in a place where you can handle objections that come your way, and ready for that tricky conversation. <\/span><\/p> The best way to tell your husband\/wife you want a divorce is on your own, face to face. But the absolute priority here is your safety, and that of your children. If you are concerned about staying safe once they know, get out first. Pack a bag. Make sure you have key documents for you and the children (passports, birth certificates etc.). And get to a place of safety. <\/span><\/p> I have a whole chapter on divorce and domestic violence in my book How To Be A Lady Who Leaves. Get yourself a copy here<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p> Planning what you\u2019re going to say helps both you and them. It helps you because it means you come across clearly and more confidently. When we don\u2019t plan important conversations, especially if they are emotive, we can find ourselves spinning in circles. <\/span><\/p> You need to get clear in your own mind what you want to say. There are three main points you will need to get across:<\/span><\/p> You need to think about all of these elements (we will go into them in more depth in this blog, don\u2019t worry). Once you\u2019ve read this blog, take some time to plan it all out. Write out bullet points. Chat to yourself out loud if you can, or practice with a friend, and hear yourself saying it. <\/span><\/p> How does it feel? Do you believe you? If you don\u2019t believe you, your spouse won\u2019t either.<\/span><\/p> Planning what you\u2019ll say helps calm your nerves too. Just like preparing for an interview, exam or giving a talk. <\/span><\/p> Saying you want a divorce is fairly straightforward \u2013 however difficult it might feel. It\u2019s the next bit that\u2019s tricky. How do you explain why? This part is important to help your husband\/wife accept and understand what you\u2019re saying. It shows you\u2019ve put thought into this and aren\u2019t just reacting in a moment of hurt or anger. <\/span><\/p> So think about why divorce is your next step. What has got you here? How is it different to the life you want to be living? What is important to you? <\/span><\/p> You know the person you\u2019re married to best. Consider what they\u2019re going to say and plan your response. If you\u2019ve thought about why you want a divorce you already know their objections won\u2019t change your mind. <\/span><\/p> They may beg and plead with you to stay. If that\u2019s the case, acknowledge the feelings. They are in a different place in the grief cycle to you \u2013 you can read more about the grief cycle here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p> Acknowledging and validating how your spouse responds to the news doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re changing your mind. It simply means you are showing respect, and as far as possible, setting the foundations for a more collaborative divorce.<\/span><\/p> So give them space to say what they need to say - so long as it isn\u2019t abusive. Remember you never have to be available for abuse. <\/span><\/p> When\u2019s the best time to have this difficult conversation? There\u2019s no one perfect time \u2013 it will depend on your personal circumstances. How to tell your spouse you want a divorce? In general, it\u2019s best done when you are both calm, as unrushed as possible, and have time to talk. So just before rushing out the door for work is not ideal. Just before bed isn\u2019t great. When the children are sleeping but you have some time before your own bedtime might be a good slot to aim for. <\/span><\/p> If you are worried about how they will react, choose a neutral place, such as a caf\u00e9. You are both more likely to keep your cool. <\/span><\/p> No one can argue with how you feel. And it\u2019s important to own what you\u2019re saying. Speaking from your own point of view means talking from you using \u2018I\u2019 statements for example \u201cI feel...\u201d \u201cFor me...\u201d<\/span><\/p> So don\u2019t say, \u2018This marriage isn\u2019t working\u2019 as though that\u2019s objective fact (which can be debated).\u00a0 <\/span>Instead, say \u201cI\u2019ve been feeling as though we\u2019ve drifted apart for a long time now\u201d, or whatever is relevant to you. <\/span><\/p> You can never be wrong about your own point of view. Of course, they will have their point of view too! And that\u2019s fine. The best-case scenario is that you can speak openly with each other, listening to the other person. If you have decided you want a divorce, this conversation is unlikely to be about changing your mind. It\u2019s more about being honest about how you are feeling and what you want to happen. <\/span><\/p> With any difficult conversation it is a good idea to think about what you want to get out of it before you start. So think about what you want to happen next. This helps both of you move forward. And it prevents the conversation focussing on who is right or wrong. <\/span><\/p> It may be that mediation is the next step for you both. Either because you think there\u2019s still a chance you can save your marriage, or to help you separate peacefully. It may be that one of you needs to agree to move out. Or it may be that you need to rearrange the house so you can co-habit for a short while. <\/span><\/p> Think about what your ideal outcome for the conversation is, and be ready with reasons. This reinforces the message that you\u2019ve thought everything through and are serious. <\/span><\/p> Be consistent in your message. Don\u2019t say you want a divorce then suggest reconciliation, or giving it another go, the next week. If you suspect that your spouse may be on the autistic spectrum this is doubly important. <\/span><\/p> Again, preparation will help here. It\u2019s a bit like media training for politicians \u2013 know what key points you want to get across and stick to them! This doesn\u2019t mean ignoring anything your husband\/wife has to say on the matter. You can address their concerns. <\/span><\/p> But be clear about your own reasons, your needs, and your expectations for what happens next. This helps create a sense of clarity and stability at a difficult time. <\/span><\/p> As I said at the start \u2013 safety comes before everything else in divorce. How to tell your spouse you want a divorce? Take care of your emotional, physical and financial safety first. <\/span><\/p> And the next most important thing to doing divorce well is preparation. Not only does it save a lot of time and emotional spiralling, it will save you money. <\/span><\/p> If you are safe, Get Divorce Ready<\/span><\/a>, my group programme, may be for you. It will help how to tell your spouse you want a divorce, because you\u2019ll get your ducks in a row and have chance to work through your feelings. So you\u2019ll know exactly why you want to get divorced and what you want to happen next. <\/span><\/p> Get Divorce Ready starts on 27 October 2020. You get eight weeks of group coaching calls, weekly videos and workbooks, and a secret facebook group to support each other. It takes you through exactly what you need to do, when and how, to Get Divorce Ready. <\/span><\/p> And best of all? It\u2019s free to members of The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>. You just have to join by 26 October 2020. You can sign up here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,1,7,13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16026","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-thinking-about-a-divorce","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-my-husband-wants-a-divorce","category-the-divorce-process"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-28.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4au","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16026","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16026"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16026\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16027"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16026"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16026"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16026"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Stay safe<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Plan what to say<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Know your why<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Plan to answer objections<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Think about timing<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Speak from your own point of view<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What do you want to happen next?<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Be consistent<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Get Divorce Ready<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
How To Tell Your Spouse You Want A Divorce<\/span><\/h1>
Stay safe<\/span><\/h2>
Plan what to say<\/span><\/h2>
Know your why<\/span><\/h2>
Plan to answer objections<\/span><\/h2>
Think about timing<\/span><\/h2>
Speak from your own point of view<\/span><\/h2>
What do you want to happen next?<\/span><\/h2>
Be consistent<\/span><\/h2>
Get Divorce Ready<\/span><\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>