{"id":16040,"date":"2020-11-13T17:02:32","date_gmt":"2020-11-13T17:02:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=16040"},"modified":"2021-01-10T20:36:48","modified_gmt":"2021-01-10T20:36:48","slug":"are-you-divorcing-your-own-donald-trump","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/are-you-divorcing-your-own-donald-trump\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You Divorcing Your Own Donald Trump?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;3.22&#8243;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;3.25&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;3.25&#8243; custom_padding=&#8221;|||&#8221; custom_padding__hover=&#8221;|||&#8221;][et_pb_code _builder_version=&#8221;4.7.7&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;]<iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none;\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/17490095\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/c5b2b1\/\" width=\"100%\" height=\"90\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe>[\/et_pb_code][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.7.0&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; header_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; header_2_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_2_text_color=&#8221;#c984a4&#8243; header_3_text_align=&#8221;justify&#8221; header_3_text_color=&#8221;#c5b2b1&#8243; background_size=&#8221;initial&#8221; background_position=&#8221;top_left&#8221; background_repeat=&#8221;repeat&#8221; text_orientation=&#8221;justified&#8221;]<\/p>\n<h1 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Are You Divorcing Your Own Donald Trump?<\/span><\/h1>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What a few weeks it\u2019s been in global politics! As the USA waited, it became clear the current president was not going to take \u2018You\u2019re Fired\u2019 without a fight. Does that remind you of your ex? Claiming they have been unfairly treated and the world is against them?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>They\u2019re right and you\u2019re wrong? Are you divorcing your own Donald Trump?<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In this blog, we look at what to do if you\u2019re divorcing a narcissist. How do you know if you\u2019ve got a Trump on your hands? And what do you do about it? <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"characteristics_of_a_narcissist\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Characteristics of a narcissist<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Let\u2019s start by exploring the traits of a narcissist. How do they show up in the world \u2013 and in particular \u2013 in your life?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Here are some of the most common characteristics of a narcissist:<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"feeling_of_superiority\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Feeling of superiority <\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">They always make the right call, and if it goes wrong it\u2019s someone else\u2019s fault. The narcissist believes they can do everything better than everyone else (even have coronavirus). They know more about (China\/oil\/politics\/business \u2013 insert topic here) than anyone else. Remind you of anyone? If you\u2019re married to a narcissist chances are you\u2019ve been ground down by their relentless insistence that they\u2019re better. Better than you, than your family, than your friends, than their friends. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"need_for_admiration\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Need for admiration<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">There\u2019s a difference between the quiet confidence that comes with the knowledge you know your stuff, and the hollow bravado of a narcissist. If you\u2019re secure in your self-worth, you don\u2019t show up with arrogance. You don\u2019t have to prove anything to anyone. A narcissist, on the other hand, needs constant approval. Being a \u2018loser\u2019 is the worst possible insult and outcome. So much so that they\u2019re not able to accept it. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"sense_of_entitlement\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Sense of entitlement<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Why shouldn\u2019t they stay in the job\/take the cat\/dictate when they see the children? It\u2019s what they want so they\u2019re having it. No negotiating \u2013 that\u2019s for losers, remember? The \u2018it\u2019s my way or the highway\u2019 sort of attitude goes hand in hand with the next one \u2013 an inability to empathise. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"lack_of_empathy\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Lack of empathy<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">A narcissist is the sun, moon and stars of their own world. To the extent they can\u2019t see the world from anyone else\u2019s perspective. We all need a healthy dose of self-esteem and to stand up for ourselves. That\u2019s not what we\u2019re talking about here. We\u2019re talking about the inability to take into account experiences and viewpoints that aren\u2019t aligned with our own. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If your ex can\u2019t possibly see why you have a problem with them being late to collect the children every time (or insert any problem behaviour here), you may be dealing with a narcissist. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"ruthlessness_in_dealing_with_others\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Ruthlessness in dealing with others<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you can\u2019t empathise, it\u2019s a lot more likely you\u2019ll act without thought for others. Doing the \u2018honourable\u2019 thing doesn\u2019t figure here \u2013 if there\u2019s a way to cheat and win, a narcissist will. And they won\u2019t recognise it as cheating. Remember that sense of entitlement? They\u2019re in no doubt they deserve whatever their chosen prize is \u2013 whether it\u2019s the presidency or the house. So they\u2019ll do what it takes to get it. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"the_blame_game\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">The blame game <\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When the world doesn\u2019t bend to their will, narcissists will get ugly. It is never their fault, so they need people to blame. If you\u2019re married to a narcissist, one of those people may well be you. You\u2019ll be on the receiving end of anger, resentment, and petty power plays. Your words will be twisted, and a narcissist will do whatever they can to turn people against you. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Does any of that sound familiar? You\u2019re not alone. More and more divorces are being recognised as being high conflict \u2013 where one or more of the parties has narcissistic tendencies. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember that having narcissistic tendencies doesn&#8217;t mean they are a narcissist &#8211; only a professional can diagnose NPD. Labelling without a formal diagnosis isn&#8217;t helpful. But handling your ex as if they are a narcissist will help support you. Remember too that whilst not all high conflict is due to narcissism, not all narcissists are high conflict.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So what can you do if you\u2019re divorcing your own Donald Trump? In short: stay safe and stay grounded, whatever dramas your narcissist ex is trying to create. Let\u2019s get into how.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"wont_leave_the_white_house\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Won\u2019t leave the (white) house?<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">As I write, we don\u2019t know whether Donald Trump will willingly leave the White House in January 2021. Your ex may be digging their heels in too \u2013 whether it\u2019s about the house, arrangements with the children, money, or any other big divorce issues. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Here\u2019s the bad news. You, on your own, can\u2019t make your ex do anything. Just like Joe Biden can\u2019t physically push Donald Trump out of the Oval Office. The only things we can ever control are what we do.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So if your ex is refusing to leave home, and it\u2019s their legal home, and they won\u2019t negotiate, unfortunately that\u2019s the situation you have to deal with.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Here\u2019s the good news. There are legal processes there for a reason. No one is above the law. Not even Trump. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You have two jobs when it comes to divorcing your own Donald Trump: <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">1. Don\u2019t take the bait and <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">2. Get the support you need. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Let\u2019s take each of those in order.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"dont_take_the_bait\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Don\u2019t take the bait<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Narcissists thrive on disruption. The more destabilised you are, the more stable they feel. It\u2019s a false stability of course. But it can leave you reeling and leave them stronger.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So your role here is to not play the game. Don\u2019t buy into their stories. Let them rant if they need to. But try not to show your discomfort. This doesn\u2019t mean you let lies slide. You can stand up for yourself. But do so with composure. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">And yes, I know this is hard. I know you will be rightly triggered by the unfairness, the unfeelingness. The erasure of your needs. But the best way to serve those needs \u2013 your own needs that you so rightly deserve to prioritise &#8211; is with outward calm.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">State the truth without heat. Narcissists feed on your drama \u2013 it\u2019s like an addiction. So don\u2019t give them the hit. Become boring to them by limiting your communication to simply what\u2019s necessary. And being as emotionless as possible. Some call this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.scarymommy.com\/gray-rock-method-toxic-people\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s2\">\u2018grey rock\u2019 communication \u2013 read more about it here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Set your boundaries \u2013 make it clear what is not acceptable. Narcissists will not be willing or able to understand your boundaries without your firm insistence. Be prepared that your ex will not care. Most narcissists only start to care when consequences affect them, not those around them. And this is where we turn to step two\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"get_the_support_you_need\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Get the support you need<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You will need a solid support network if you are divorcing your own Donald Trump. I\u2019m talking about both emotionally and practically. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019re doing your best ice queen impression when dealing with your ex, it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll need people to let off steam with. Identify your truest friends and let them be the people who see the ugly crying, the disbelief, the rage. Let your emotions be held safely by those you trust. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In practical terms, you need to keep things real. Your ex will be doing their best to create the reality they want, without regard for anything else. So facts are your friend here. Document everything. What you say and do \u2013 what they say and do.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember narcissists are experts at twisting words and situations. So keep communication between you brief and in writing. Channel your best grey rock. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The law has processes that need to be adhered to. By you and your ex both. Make sure you are doing everything you can to move your divorce forward. Show the courts that you are not being obstructive. Make sure your children\u2019s needs rather than your own are at the forefront of everything you ask for from legal decisions. This will help the courts see that you are focussed on moving on rather than seeking revenge. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When your ex crosses a boundary, especially if they threaten your safety, take action. That might mean logging an incident with the police or letting your solicitor know. Make sure you enforce your boundaries so your ex knows they can\u2019t continue to infringe them. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When enlisting a solicitor, remember you are instructing them. Yes, your solicitor has invaluable expertise when it comes to the legal system. But they need to understand you and your situation too. So don\u2019t be afraid to quiz them on their professional experience of high conflict situations. Ask them what they know about narcissism and the approaches needed. Don\u2019t be afraid to meet with a number of solicitors until you find one you trust. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"work_with_a_high_conflict_specialist\"><\/span><span class=\"s1\">Work with a high conflict specialist<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m the UK\u2019s only divorce coach with a specialism in high conflict. I know that the collaborative approach just will not work. I know that narcissists can wear you down and cause a lot of heartache. And I know what you need to do to get through it. We can unpick the lies, see through the gaslighting and set the agenda rather than respond to the drama. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So you don\u2019t have to divorce your Donald Trump alone. Whether it\u2019s a one-off consultation to get you on the right track, or regular support to see you through \u2013 I\u2019m here for you. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s3\">Just <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span class=\"s2\">book a free initial chat with me here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><br \/>\n[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are You Divorcing Your Own Donald Trump? What a few weeks it\u2019s been in global politics! As the USA waited, it became clear the current president was not going to take \u2018You\u2019re Fired\u2019 without a fight. Does that remind you of your ex? Claiming they have been unfairly treated and the world is against them?\u00a0 [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16041,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<h1 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Are You Divorcing Your Own Donald Trump?<\/span><\/h1><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What a few weeks it\u2019s been in global politics! As the USA waited, it became clear the current president was not going to take \u2018You\u2019re Fired\u2019 without a fight. Does that remind you of your ex? Claiming they have been unfairly treated and the world is against them?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>They\u2019re right and you\u2019re wrong? Are you divorcing your own Donald Trump?<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In this blog, we look at what to do if you\u2019re divorcing a narcissist. How do you know if you\u2019ve got a Trump on your hands? And what do you do about it? <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Characteristics of a narcissist<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Let\u2019s start by exploring the traits of a narcissist. How do they show up in the world \u2013 and in particular \u2013 in your life?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Here are some of the most common characteristics of a narcissist:<\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Feeling of superiority <\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">They always make the right call, and if it goes wrong it\u2019s someone else\u2019s fault. The narcissist believes they can do everything better than everyone else (even have coronavirus). They know more about (China\/oil\/politics\/business \u2013 insert topic here) than anyone else. Remind you of anyone? If you\u2019re married to a narcissist chances are you\u2019ve been ground down by their relentless insistence that they\u2019re better. Better than you, than your family, than your friends, than their friends. <\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Need for admiration<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">There\u2019s a difference between the quiet confidence that comes with the knowledge you know your stuff, and the hollow bravado of a narcissist. If you\u2019re secure in your self-worth, you don\u2019t show up with arrogance. You don\u2019t have to prove anything to anyone. A narcissist, on the other hand, needs constant approval. Being a \u2018loser\u2019 is the worst possible insult and outcome. So much so that they\u2019re not able to accept it. <\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Sense of entitlement<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Why shouldn\u2019t they stay in the job\/take the cat\/dictate when they see the children? It\u2019s what they want so they\u2019re having it. No negotiating \u2013 that\u2019s for losers, remember? The \u2018it\u2019s my way or the highway\u2019 sort of attitude goes hand in hand with the next one \u2013 an inability to empathise. <\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Lack of empathy<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">A narcissist is the sun, moon and stars of their own world. To the extent they can\u2019t see the world from anyone else\u2019s perspective. We all need a healthy dose of self-esteem and to stand up for ourselves. That\u2019s not what we\u2019re talking about here. We\u2019re talking about the inability to take into account experiences and viewpoints that aren\u2019t aligned with our own. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If your ex can\u2019t possibly see why you have a problem with them being late to collect the children every time (or insert any problem behaviour here), you may be dealing with a narcissist. <\/span><\/p><h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Ruthlessness in dealing with others<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you can\u2019t empathise, it\u2019s a lot more likely you\u2019ll act without thought for others. Doing the \u2018honourable\u2019 thing doesn\u2019t figure here \u2013 if there\u2019s a way to cheat and win, a narcissist will. And they won\u2019t recognise it as cheating. Remember that sense of entitlement? They\u2019re in no doubt they deserve whatever their chosen prize is \u2013 whether it\u2019s the presidency or the house. So they\u2019ll do what it takes to get it. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The blame game <\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When the world doesn\u2019t bend to their will, narcissists will get ugly. It is never their fault, so they need people to blame. If you\u2019re married to a narcissist, one of those people may well be you. You\u2019ll be on the receiving end of anger, resentment, and petty power plays. Your words will be twisted, and a narcissist will do whatever they can to turn people against you. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Does any of that sound familiar? You\u2019re not alone. More and more divorces are being recognised as being high conflict \u2013 where one or more of the parties has narcissistic tendencies. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember that having narcissistic tendencies doesn't mean they are a narcissist - only a professional can diagnose NPD. Labelling without a formal diagnosis isn't helpful. But handling your ex as if they are a narcissist will help support you. Remember too that whilst not all high conflict is due to narcissism, not all narcissists are high conflict.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So what can you do if you\u2019re divorcing your own Donald Trump? In short: stay safe and stay grounded, whatever dramas your narcissist ex is trying to create. Let\u2019s get into how.<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Won\u2019t leave the (white) house?<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">As I write, we don\u2019t know whether Donald Trump will willingly leave the White House in January 2021. Your ex may be digging their heels in too \u2013 whether it\u2019s about the house, arrangements with the children, money, or any other big divorce issues. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Here\u2019s the bad news. You, on your own, can\u2019t make your ex do anything. Just like Joe Biden can\u2019t physically push Donald Trump out of the Oval Office. The only things we can ever control are what we do.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So if your ex is refusing to leave home, and it\u2019s their legal home, and they won\u2019t negotiate, unfortunately that\u2019s the situation you have to deal with.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Here\u2019s the good news. There are legal processes there for a reason. No one is above the law. Not even Trump. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You have two jobs when it comes to divorcing your own Donald Trump: <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">1. Don\u2019t take the bait and <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">2. Get the support you need. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Let\u2019s take each of those in order.<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Don\u2019t take the bait<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Narcissists thrive on disruption. The more destabilised you are, the more stable they feel. It\u2019s a false stability of course. But it can leave you reeling and leave them stronger.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So your role here is to not play the game. Don\u2019t buy into their stories. Let them rant if they need to. But try not to show your discomfort. This doesn\u2019t mean you let lies slide. You can stand up for yourself. But do so with composure. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">And yes, I know this is hard. I know you will be rightly triggered by the unfairness, the unfeelingness. The erasure of your needs. But the best way to serve those needs \u2013 your own needs that you so rightly deserve to prioritise - is with outward calm.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">State the truth without heat. Narcissists feed on your drama \u2013 it\u2019s like an addiction. So don\u2019t give them the hit. Become boring to them by limiting your communication to simply what\u2019s necessary. And being as emotionless as possible. Some call this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.scarymommy.com\/gray-rock-method-toxic-people\/\"><span class=\"s2\">\u2018grey rock\u2019 communication \u2013 read more about it here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Set your boundaries \u2013 make it clear what is not acceptable. Narcissists will not be willing or able to understand your boundaries without your firm insistence. Be prepared that your ex will not care. Most narcissists only start to care when consequences affect them, not those around them. And this is where we turn to step two\u2026<\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Get the support you need<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You will need a solid support network if you are divorcing your own Donald Trump. I\u2019m talking about both emotionally and practically. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you\u2019re doing your best ice queen impression when dealing with your ex, it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll need people to let off steam with. Identify your truest friends and let them be the people who see the ugly crying, the disbelief, the rage. Let your emotions be held safely by those you trust. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In practical terms, you need to keep things real. Your ex will be doing their best to create the reality they want, without regard for anything else. So facts are your friend here. Document everything. What you say and do \u2013 what they say and do.<\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Remember narcissists are experts at twisting words and situations. So keep communication between you brief and in writing. Channel your best grey rock. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The law has processes that need to be adhered to. By you and your ex both. Make sure you are doing everything you can to move your divorce forward. Show the courts that you are not being obstructive. Make sure your children\u2019s needs rather than your own are at the forefront of everything you ask for from legal decisions. This will help the courts see that you are focussed on moving on rather than seeking revenge. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When your ex crosses a boundary, especially if they threaten your safety, take action. That might mean logging an incident with the police or letting your solicitor know. Make sure you enforce your boundaries so your ex knows they can\u2019t continue to infringe them. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When enlisting a solicitor, remember you are instructing them. Yes, your solicitor has invaluable expertise when it comes to the legal system. But they need to understand you and your situation too. So don\u2019t be afraid to quiz them on their professional experience of high conflict situations. Ask them what they know about narcissism and the approaches needed. Don\u2019t be afraid to meet with a number of solicitors until you find one you trust. <\/span><\/p><h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Work with a high conflict specialist<\/span><\/h2><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m the UK\u2019s only divorce coach with a specialism in high conflict. I know that the collaborative approach just will not work. I know that narcissists can wear you down and cause a lot of heartache. And I know what you need to do to get through it. We can unpick the lies, see through the gaslighting and set the agenda rather than respond to the drama. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So you don\u2019t have to divorce your Donald Trump alone. Whether it\u2019s a one-off consultation to get you on the right track, or regular support to see you through \u2013 I\u2019m here for you. <\/span><\/p><p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s3\">Just <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span class=\"s2\">book a free initial chat with me here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p><h2>About Emma<\/h2><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><strong>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[582,12,301],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16040","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-divorce-support","category-podcast"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-16.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4aI","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16040","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16040"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16040\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16041"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16040"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16040"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16040"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}