[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ header_3_text_align=”justify” header_3_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Divorce is hard. There\u2019s no two ways about it. It\u2019s harder for some than others \u2013 no divorce is identical. I can promise you that if your marriage is no longer healthy, divorce is worth it. But that doesn\u2019t stop everything feeling too overwhelming, too difficult, too painful sometimes. Especially if you\u2019re in a high conflict situation and divorcing your own Donald Trump<\/span><\/a>. So today we\u2019re looking at what to do when it all gets too much in your divorce. <\/span><\/p>\n When you\u2019re feeling overwhelmed, the first thing to do is stop. And I mean stop. Even if it\u2019s for half an hour. Overwhelm is a sign you need rest. <\/span><\/p>\n Imagine you\u2019re in the middle of a room piled high with clutter \u2013 clothes, boxes, furniture, ornaments, paperwork scattered everywhere. All merging into each other with no sense of order. Now imagine that you\u2019re trying to sort that room out, but at the same time you\u2019re on a rotating dance floor. Not the fun kind from the cheesy nightclubs of the 90s. No, this is your own hellish disc keeping you in a spin, trapped in your least favourite record.<\/span><\/p>\n Does being on that disc make your job easier or harder? <\/span><\/p>\n Stopping doesn\u2019t make everything else go away. There will still be jobs to do. The housework will still be there. The divorce will still be there. That\u2019s all true. But it does make it so much easier to deal with.<\/span><\/p>\n You need to get yourself to a calm place of pause before anything else. And I know what you\u2019re thinking. \u201cWell, that sounds great, Emma, but it\u2019s just not that easy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I know. I\u2019m not pretending it\u2019s easy. But I am telling you it\u2019s essential. None of us can book ourselves into a spa break and forget the world entirely at the moment, during lockdown. But all of us can find ways to press pause. Here are some things you can try everyday:<\/span><\/p>\n Writing is a fantastic way to turn your thoughts from a tangle into something you can deal with. If it\u2019s all getting too much in your divorce get yourself a notebook. Get it out of your head and onto the page. <\/span><\/p>\n Set a timer for ten minutes (you can achieve a lot in ten minutes) and simply let your pen fly. Don\u2019t worry at this stage about whether it makes sense. What you\u2019re aiming for is to empty your head onto the page. You may repeat yourself. You may contradict yourself. You may question yourself. It\u2019s all good. Just write.<\/span><\/p>\n And once you\u2019ve written, look over everything and see if any themes emerge. What was the first thing you wrote about? That\u2019s likely to be playing on your mind the most, and needs dealing with \u2013 even if it\u2019s to make a conscious decision to park it for now. Are there any watchwords like \u2018shoulds\u2019 in there? Where are they coming from? Are there emotions that come up, or key people? Reflect on your writing to see what it\u2019s telling you about what\u2019s important right now.<\/span><\/p>\n Next, make a list. Or a mind map, whatever suits you. And write down absolutely everything that\u2019s weighing you down. All the things that need sorting, all the daily tasks, all the decisions to be made. Get as much down as possible, in the order they come to you. Again, don\u2019t worry if you repeat yourself. Just get everything down.<\/span><\/p>\n Once you\u2019ve got your initial list, take a look and see if you can get it into an order. What are the most important things on that list? What\u2019s important but can wait? How can other people support you? Is there anything you can cross off because it\u2019s just not worth worrying about right now? <\/span><\/p>\n We get overwhelmed when things are too much to handle. The task ahead feels too complex, too difficult and we shut down. We tell ourselves we can\u2019t handle it. And\u2026 we\u2019re right. We can\u2019t handle it all at once. <\/span><\/p>\n There\u2019s an African proverb that goes: \u201cHow do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n And that\u2019s the only way to make progress with anything. Whether it\u2019s climbing a mountain, navigating your divorce or simply getting through the day. The way to do it is one step at a time. <\/span><\/p>\n Your writing will help you with this. It\u2019s likely that getting everything on the page has shown you some things you can just cross out, straight away. There may be some quick wins to give you that important dopamine hit of completing a task. And there may be other jobs that link together, that you can start to put in order.<\/span><\/p>\n The key is to remember that both you and your divorce are important. It is important to work on your divorce to get to the life you want. Otherwise you\u2019ll be stuck in this feeling of overwhelm forever.<\/span><\/p>\n And at the same time, it\u2019s important to go at a pace that suits you. To remember that you will get there. And it\u2019s far more productive to go slow and steady than to race without thinking, creating chaos and achieving nothing. <\/span><\/p>\n When you prioritise think about your own needs, as well as those of your divorce. It can be tempting to throw yourself into getting your divorce done as quickly as possible. But burning the candle at both ends, charging through, is likely to mean you both make unwise decisions and get ill.<\/span><\/p>\n So step back and review what\u2019s needed. Get your foundations right first. Are you getting enough sleep and decent food? (And I know I said it\u2019s ok to short cut on food earlier! Just make sure you eat some fruit and carrot sticks as well!). Are you getting fresh air every day?<\/span><\/p>\n Once those are in place, decide what\u2019s necessary right now. What can you cut back on temporarily? Can you drop some commitments to create time for divorce admin? What can you say no to so you can say yes to your own mental health? Strip back to what\u2019s necessary and focus on that. <\/span><\/p>\n I know I say this often, but it is so important to ask for help. Humans are social beings. We have evolved to depend on each other. That hardwiring doesn\u2019t disappear when you have a divorce. In fact, it\u2019s needed more than ever given divorce is one of the most stressful life events you\u2019ll ever experience. <\/span><\/p>\n So, when it\u2019s all getting too much in your divorce, figure out who you can turn to. And don\u2019t feel guilty about it. Your friends will want to be there for you, and chances are they won\u2019t realise you\u2019re struggling. You may have had plenty of support when the news of your divorce broke. But if you\u2019re a few months down the line, life might seem normal to everyone else. They won\u2019t see that you\u2019re battling the emotional and administrative rollercoaster of the divorce process. <\/span><\/p>\n And if you need help sorting out overwhelm so you make the best decisions – that\u2019s what I\u2019m here for. There are a whole range of ways I can help you. Maybe you want to join the amazing, engaged bunch of women who make up The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>. Or maybe you want 1-1 coaching<\/span><\/a> as a one-off, or over a number of months. <\/span><\/p>\n Just book in a call and we can find the right way for you.<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Five things to do when it all gets too much in your divorce Divorce is hard. There\u2019s no two ways about it. It\u2019s harder for some than others \u2013 no divorce is identical. I can promise you that if your marriage is no longer healthy, divorce is worth it. But that doesn\u2019t stop everything feeling […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16043,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Divorce is hard. There\u2019s no two ways about it. It\u2019s harder for some than others \u2013 no divorce is identical. I can promise you that if your marriage is no longer healthy, divorce is worth it. But that doesn\u2019t stop everything feeling too overwhelming, too difficult, too painful sometimes. Especially if you\u2019re in a high conflict situation and divorcing your own Donald Trump<\/span><\/a>. So today we\u2019re looking at what to do when it all gets too much in your divorce. <\/span><\/p> When you\u2019re feeling overwhelmed, the first thing to do is stop. And I mean stop. Even if it\u2019s for half an hour. Overwhelm is a sign you need rest. <\/span><\/p> Imagine you\u2019re in the middle of a room piled high with clutter \u2013 clothes, boxes, furniture, ornaments, paperwork scattered everywhere. All merging into each other with no sense of order. Now imagine that you\u2019re trying to sort that room out, but at the same time you\u2019re on a rotating dance floor. Not the fun kind from the cheesy nightclubs of the 90s. No, this is your own hellish disc keeping you in a spin, trapped in your least favourite record.<\/span><\/p> Does being on that disc make your job easier or harder? <\/span><\/p> Stopping doesn\u2019t make everything else go away. There will still be jobs to do. The housework will still be there. The divorce will still be there. That\u2019s all true. But it does make it so much easier to deal with.<\/span><\/p> You need to get yourself to a calm place of pause before anything else. And I know what you\u2019re thinking. \u201cWell, that sounds great, Emma, but it\u2019s just not that easy.\u201d<\/span><\/p> I know. I\u2019m not pretending it\u2019s easy. But I am telling you it\u2019s essential. None of us can book ourselves into a spa break and forget the world entirely at the moment, during lockdown. But all of us can find ways to press pause. Here are some things you can try everyday:<\/span><\/p> Writing is a fantastic way to turn your thoughts from a tangle into something you can deal with. If it\u2019s all getting too much in your divorce get yourself a notebook. Get it out of your head and onto the page. <\/span><\/p> Set a timer for ten minutes (you can achieve a lot in ten minutes) and simply let your pen fly. Don\u2019t worry at this stage about whether it makes sense. What you\u2019re aiming for is to empty your head onto the page. You may repeat yourself. You may contradict yourself. You may question yourself. It\u2019s all good. Just write.<\/span><\/p> And once you\u2019ve written, look over everything and see if any themes emerge. What was the first thing you wrote about? That\u2019s likely to be playing on your mind the most, and needs dealing with \u2013 even if it\u2019s to make a conscious decision to park it for now. Are there any watchwords like \u2018shoulds\u2019 in there? Where are they coming from? Are there emotions that come up, or key people? Reflect on your writing to see what it\u2019s telling you about what\u2019s important right now.<\/span><\/p> Next, make a list. Or a mind map, whatever suits you. And write down absolutely everything that\u2019s weighing you down. All the things that need sorting, all the daily tasks, all the decisions to be made. Get as much down as possible, in the order they come to you. Again, don\u2019t worry if you repeat yourself. Just get everything down.<\/span><\/p> Once you\u2019ve got your initial list, take a look and see if you can get it into an order. What are the most important things on that list? What\u2019s important but can wait? How can other people support you? Is there anything you can cross off because it\u2019s just not worth worrying about right now? <\/span><\/p> We get overwhelmed when things are too much to handle. The task ahead feels too complex, too difficult and we shut down. We tell ourselves we can\u2019t handle it. And\u2026 we\u2019re right. We can\u2019t handle it all at once. <\/span><\/p> There\u2019s an African proverb that goes: \u201cHow do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.\u201d<\/span><\/p> And that\u2019s the only way to make progress with anything. Whether it\u2019s climbing a mountain, navigating your divorce or simply getting through the day. The way to do it is one step at a time. <\/span><\/p> Your writing will help you with this. It\u2019s likely that getting everything on the page has shown you some things you can just cross out, straight away. There may be some quick wins to give you that important dopamine hit of completing a task. And there may be other jobs that link together, that you can start to put in order.<\/span><\/p> The key is to remember that both you and your divorce are important. It is important to work on your divorce to get to the life you want. Otherwise you\u2019ll be stuck in this feeling of overwhelm forever.<\/span><\/p> And at the same time, it\u2019s important to go at a pace that suits you. To remember that you will get there. And it\u2019s far more productive to go slow and steady than to race without thinking, creating chaos and achieving nothing. <\/span><\/p> When you prioritise think about your own needs, as well as those of your divorce. It can be tempting to throw yourself into getting your divorce done as quickly as possible. But burning the candle at both ends, charging through, is likely to mean you both make unwise decisions and get ill.<\/span><\/p> So step back and review what\u2019s needed. Get your foundations right first. Are you getting enough sleep and decent food? (And I know I said it\u2019s ok to short cut on food earlier! Just make sure you eat some fruit and carrot sticks as well!). Are you getting fresh air every day?<\/span><\/p> Once those are in place, decide what\u2019s necessary right now. What can you cut back on temporarily? Can you drop some commitments to create time for divorce admin? What can you say no to so you can say yes to your own mental health? Strip back to what\u2019s necessary and focus on that. <\/span><\/p> I know I say this often, but it is so important to ask for help. Humans are social beings. We have evolved to depend on each other. That hardwiring doesn\u2019t disappear when you have a divorce. In fact, it\u2019s needed more than ever given divorce is one of the most stressful life events you\u2019ll ever experience. <\/span><\/p> So, when it\u2019s all getting too much in your divorce, figure out who you can turn to. And don\u2019t feel guilty about it. Your friends will want to be there for you, and chances are they won\u2019t realise you\u2019re struggling. You may have had plenty of support when the news of your divorce broke. But if you\u2019re a few months down the line, life might seem normal to everyone else. They won\u2019t see that you\u2019re battling the emotional and administrative rollercoaster of the divorce process. <\/span><\/p> And if you need help sorting out overwhelm so you make the best decisions - that\u2019s what I\u2019m here for. There are a whole range of ways I can help you. Maybe you want to join the amazing, engaged bunch of women who make up The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>. Or maybe you want 1-1 coaching<\/span><\/a> as a one-off, or over a number of months. <\/span><\/p> Just book in a call and we can find the right way for you.<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12,20,397],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16042","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-divorce-coaching","category-divorce-self-care"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4aK","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-17.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16042","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16042"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16042\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16043"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16042"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16042"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16042"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>1. Stop<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>How to stop<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n
\n
<\/span>2. Write<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>3. Break it down<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>4. Prioritise the essentials<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>5. Ask for help<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Five things to do when it all gets too much in your divorce<\/span><\/h1>
1. Stop<\/span><\/h2>
How to stop<\/span><\/h3>
2. Write<\/span><\/h2>
3. Break it down<\/span><\/h2>
4. Prioritise the essentials<\/span><\/h2>
5. Ask for help<\/span><\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>