[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
Happy New Year! Are New Year Resolutions done already? I think I speak for everyone everywhere when I say I hope 2021 brings a barrel-load more joy than 2020. The last ten months have been tough for most people. Add divorce to the mix and you\u2019ve got a top-shelf stress cocktail on your hands.<\/span><\/p>\n So, to get 2021 off to the best start possible, here\u2019s my list of five divorce New Year Resolutions not<\/i> to make. Doing any one of these five is likely to make your life harder and more expensive in the long run. <\/span><\/p>\n Read on for what to avoid \u2013 and what you can do instead.<\/span><\/p>\n Most of my clients have been thinking about divorce for years. Not months \u2013 years. So if that\u2019s you too, you\u2019re not alone. But if you\u2019re reading this, you know something has to change. You\u2019ve given the status quo a shot, and you\u2019re not happy. You haven\u2019t been for ages. The situation hasn\u2019t got better all by itself.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m not saying divorce is the answer. All I\u2019m saying is that something has to change. You can\u2019t stay like this for years. You owe yourself more than that \u2013 and you know it. So what can you do instead? Do you need to have a difficult conversation with your spouse, and see how they feel? Do you need to try relationship counselling? Or do you need to start getting divorce ready? Is your New Year Resolution to move forward?<\/span><\/p>\n Whether you\u2019re certain you want to divorce or not, I highly recommend you grab yourself a copy of my book, \u2018How To Be A Lady Who Leaves: The Ultimate Guide To Getting Divorce Ready.\u2019<\/span><\/a> It\u2019s currently on offer on Kindle for the bargain price of 99p!<\/strong> And the whole first section is there to help you get clear on whether divorce is the best next step for you and your marriage. <\/span><\/p>\n New Resolution to call a lawyer? Don’t – not yet anyway. If you know that divorce is on the cards, please do not instruct a solicitor straight away. Not unless you’re in a high conflict situation with abuse – financial, emotional or physical.\u00a0 It might seem like the most sensible way to get the ball rolling. But, in reality, there\u2019s a lot that needs to happen before a solicitor can be really helpful. And they\u2019re expensive, so you want them to be really helpful! <\/span><\/p>\n A solicitor is there to give you legal advice. They\u2019re not there to provide emotional support. And while they can be a sounding board as you mull through your various options, they\u2019re an expensive way to do it. Your best, most cost-effective (and usually least confrontational) strategy is to figure out what you want first. <\/span><\/p>\n That means you need to understand your financial position now, and anticipated future living costs. None of that requires legal expertise unless you are in a very complex or abusive situation. I have hundreds of free, searchable blog posts<\/span><\/a> that take you through everything from creating a divorce plan, to how to communicate with a high conflict ex. So start there, as well as with How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n Once you\u2019ve decided to divorce, it\u2019s not uncommon for rage to descend. It\u2019s a totally natural response. You\u2019ve been holding it together for all these years. Whether your ex was terribly behaved, or whether it\u2019s simply a sad mismatch of wants and needs, you\u2019ve lived with it. Probably for a long time.<\/span><\/p>\n And now you\u2019ve made the decision to stop \u2013 you\u2019ve decided you want and need more from life. Anger often shows up because it\u2019s part of the grief process. Your anger might be targeted at your ex, and often with good reason. Or it might be a more generalised rage at the world \u2013 at your friends who are happily coupled off, at you sister-in-law for those snide comments, at your cousin who keeps chipping in with \u2018helpful advice\u2019.<\/span><\/p>\n However your anger shows up, don\u2019t let it boil over at anyone. Especially not your ex. Keep it civil. If your ex is high conflict, or just mean-spirited, they will be trying to get a rise out of you. Don\u2019t give them the satisfaction. And it won\u2019t serve you if you go to court either. Be as calm, unobstructive and boundaried as you can in all dealings with your ex. Then vent at friends or me later. <\/span><\/p>\n Every so often in The Absolute Academy, one of the members says something like: \u201cI just can\u2019t fight anymore. I\u2019m going to walk away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n And I get it, I do. Divorce is exhausting. It\u2019s usually a marathon rather than a sprint \u2013 energy is bound to drop. Add to that an ex who fights you at every turn, who is looking to score points, play power games and screw you for every penny, and it\u2019s tempting to throw in the towel.<\/span><\/p>\n Don\u2019t. No divorce goes on forever \u2013 you will get there in the end. And it\u2019s far better to start your post-divorce independence with a sense of justice and the share of wealth you\u2019re entitled to. <\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m not promising happy ever afters all the time. I wish I could. Sometimes you fight, you get a judge that doesn\u2019t agree, and you end up with something that\u2019s far from ideal. <\/span><\/p>\n But quite often, you get something closer to what you want than if you\u2019d just walked away. And you get to hold your head up high. You\u2019ll know you stood up for yourself and did the right and honest thing. If your ex got away with something because they lied \u2013 they\u2019ll have to live with that.<\/span><\/p>\n This might sound strange, especially coming from a divorce coach. After all, when we set ourselves goals, often we\u2019re told to go after them with steely determination. And many life and business coaches are renowned for telling their clients to go \u2018all in\u2019 with their ambitions.<\/span><\/p>\n And of course, you can go \u2018all in\u2019 with your divorce. It will need your attention and work to happen, and to happen in a way that suits you. But don\u2019t go all in all the time<\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n Your divorce is unique to you. And it\u2019s a major part of your life right now. But don\u2019t let it define you. You are so much more than your divorce. You are a friend and family member to your loved ones \u2013 known for your particular set of quirks and hobbies. That doesn\u2019t need to change because divorce is also in your life right now.<\/span><\/p>\n So as you embark on your divorce in 2021, a great New Year Resolution is to put some boundaries around it. Of course, you will need to meet deadlines and keep things moving. But know when to put it away \u2013 both mentally and practically. Have some fun as well, whatever that looks like to you. <\/span><\/p>\n Divorce is thought of as a sad event \u2013 and rightly so in many ways. It is sad that your marriage didn\u2019t work the ways you\u2019d wanted, for whatever reasons. Getting through the divorce process is an unwelcome annoyance at best, and a stress-inducing nightmare at worst. <\/span><\/p>\n But divorce can also be something to celebrate. It is a sign that you are making a new start. That you are willing to put the work in to create something better for yourself. And you should recognise your strength and courage in making that decision. So give yourself kindness. Make time for the things that soothe you and bring you joy, as well as all the tasks needed to get your divorce done.<\/span><\/p>\n Divorce is a lot less stressful, and a lot more empowering, when you know someone you can trust has your back. Make one of your New Year Resolutions to do things smartly. I urge you to read through the blogs and How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a> to get you on the right track as we start a new year. <\/span><\/p>\n And if you\u2019d like my help more closely, I\u2019d love to be there for you. The doors to The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a> are open. That\u2019s where you\u2019ll find a community of women who are absolutely committed to getting divorced in a way that\u2019s right for them. I\u2019m in there with them every step of the way. <\/span><\/p>\n And if you\u2019d like my 1-1 support I can do that too. Just book in a free chat<\/span><\/a> to see how I can help you get divorced your way in 2021.<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" 5 Divorce New Year Resolutions Not To Make Happy New Year! Are New Year Resolutions done already? I think I speak for everyone everywhere when I say I hope 2021 brings a barrel-load more joy than 2020. The last ten months have been tough for most people. Add divorce to the mix and you\u2019ve got […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16062,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Happy New Year! Are New Year Resolutions done already? I think I speak for everyone everywhere when I say I hope 2021 brings a barrel-load more joy than 2020. The last ten months have been tough for most people. Add divorce to the mix and you\u2019ve got a top-shelf stress cocktail on your hands.<\/span><\/p> So, to get 2021 off to the best start possible, here\u2019s my list of five divorce New Year Resolutions not<\/i> to make. Doing any one of these five is likely to make your life harder and more expensive in the long run. <\/span><\/p> Read on for what to avoid \u2013 and what you can do instead.<\/span><\/p> Most of my clients have been thinking about divorce for years. Not months \u2013 years. So if that\u2019s you too, you\u2019re not alone. But if you\u2019re reading this, you know something has to change. You\u2019ve given the status quo a shot, and you\u2019re not happy. You haven\u2019t been for ages. The situation hasn\u2019t got better all by itself.<\/span><\/p> I\u2019m not saying divorce is the answer. All I\u2019m saying is that something has to change. You can\u2019t stay like this for years. You owe yourself more than that \u2013 and you know it. So what can you do instead? Do you need to have a difficult conversation with your spouse, and see how they feel? Do you need to try relationship counselling? Or do you need to start getting divorce ready? Is your New Year Resolution to move forward?<\/span><\/p> Whether you\u2019re certain you want to divorce or not, I highly recommend you grab yourself a copy of my book, \u2018How To Be A Lady Who Leaves: The Ultimate Guide To Getting Divorce Ready.\u2019<\/span><\/a> It\u2019s currently on offer on Kindle for the bargain price of 99p!<\/strong> And the whole first section is there to help you get clear on whether divorce is the best next step for you and your marriage. <\/span><\/p> New Resolution to call a lawyer? Don't - not yet anyway. If you know that divorce is on the cards, please do not instruct a solicitor straight away. Not unless you're in a high conflict situation with abuse - financial, emotional or physical.\u00a0 It might seem like the most sensible way to get the ball rolling. But, in reality, there\u2019s a lot that needs to happen before a solicitor can be really helpful. And they\u2019re expensive, so you want them to be really helpful! <\/span><\/p> A solicitor is there to give you legal advice. They\u2019re not there to provide emotional support. And while they can be a sounding board as you mull through your various options, they\u2019re an expensive way to do it. Your best, most cost-effective (and usually least confrontational) strategy is to figure out what you want first. <\/span><\/p> That means you need to understand your financial position now, and anticipated future living costs. None of that requires legal expertise unless you are in a very complex or abusive situation. I have hundreds of free, searchable blog posts<\/span><\/a> that take you through everything from creating a divorce plan, to how to communicate with a high conflict ex. So start there, as well as with How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p> Once you\u2019ve decided to divorce, it\u2019s not uncommon for rage to descend. It\u2019s a totally natural response. You\u2019ve been holding it together for all these years. Whether your ex was terribly behaved, or whether it\u2019s simply a sad mismatch of wants and needs, you\u2019ve lived with it. Probably for a long time.<\/span><\/p> And now you\u2019ve made the decision to stop \u2013 you\u2019ve decided you want and need more from life. Anger often shows up because it\u2019s part of the grief process. Your anger might be targeted at your ex, and often with good reason. Or it might be a more generalised rage at the world \u2013 at your friends who are happily coupled off, at you sister-in-law for those snide comments, at your cousin who keeps chipping in with \u2018helpful advice\u2019.<\/span><\/p> However your anger shows up, don\u2019t let it boil over at anyone. Especially not your ex. Keep it civil. If your ex is high conflict, or just mean-spirited, they will be trying to get a rise out of you. Don\u2019t give them the satisfaction. And it won\u2019t serve you if you go to court either. Be as calm, unobstructive and boundaried as you can in all dealings with your ex. Then vent at friends or me later. <\/span><\/p> Every so often in The Absolute Academy, one of the members says something like: \u201cI just can\u2019t fight anymore. I\u2019m going to walk away.\u201d<\/span><\/p> And I get it, I do. Divorce is exhausting. It\u2019s usually a marathon rather than a sprint \u2013 energy is bound to drop. Add to that an ex who fights you at every turn, who is looking to score points, play power games and screw you for every penny, and it\u2019s tempting to throw in the towel.<\/span><\/p> Don\u2019t. No divorce goes on forever \u2013 you will get there in the end. And it\u2019s far better to start your post-divorce independence with a sense of justice and the share of wealth you\u2019re entitled to. <\/span><\/p> I\u2019m not promising happy ever afters all the time. I wish I could. Sometimes you fight, you get a judge that doesn\u2019t agree, and you end up with something that\u2019s far from ideal. <\/span><\/p> But quite often, you get something closer to what you want than if you\u2019d just walked away. And you get to hold your head up high. You\u2019ll know you stood up for yourself and did the right and honest thing. If your ex got away with something because they lied \u2013 they\u2019ll have to live with that.<\/span><\/p> This might sound strange, especially coming from a divorce coach. After all, when we set ourselves goals, often we\u2019re told to go after them with steely determination. And many life and business coaches are renowned for telling their clients to go \u2018all in\u2019 with their ambitions.<\/span><\/p> And of course, you can go \u2018all in\u2019 with your divorce. It will need your attention and work to happen, and to happen in a way that suits you. But don\u2019t go all in all the time<\/i>.<\/span><\/p> Your divorce is unique to you. And it\u2019s a major part of your life right now. But don\u2019t let it define you. You are so much more than your divorce. You are a friend and family member to your loved ones \u2013 known for your particular set of quirks and hobbies. That doesn\u2019t need to change because divorce is also in your life right now.<\/span><\/p> So as you embark on your divorce in 2021, a great New Year Resolution is to put some boundaries around it. Of course, you will need to meet deadlines and keep things moving. But know when to put it away \u2013 both mentally and practically. Have some fun as well, whatever that looks like to you. <\/span><\/p> Divorce is thought of as a sad event \u2013 and rightly so in many ways. It is sad that your marriage didn\u2019t work the ways you\u2019d wanted, for whatever reasons. Getting through the divorce process is an unwelcome annoyance at best, and a stress-inducing nightmare at worst. <\/span><\/p> But divorce can also be something to celebrate. It is a sign that you are making a new start. That you are willing to put the work in to create something better for yourself. And you should recognise your strength and courage in making that decision. So give yourself kindness. Make time for the things that soothe you and bring you joy, as well as all the tasks needed to get your divorce done.<\/span><\/p> Divorce is a lot less stressful, and a lot more empowering, when you know someone you can trust has your back. Make one of your New Year Resolutions to do things smartly. I urge you to read through the blogs and How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a> to get you on the right track as we start a new year. <\/span><\/p> And if you\u2019d like my help more closely, I\u2019d love to be there for you. The doors to The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a> are open. That\u2019s where you\u2019ll find a community of women who are absolutely committed to getting divorced in a way that\u2019s right for them. I\u2019m in there with them every step of the way. <\/span><\/p> And if you\u2019d like my 1-1 support I can do that too. Just book in a free chat<\/span><\/a> to see how I can help you get divorced your way in 2021.<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12,20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16061","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-divorce-coaching"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4b3","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-22.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16061","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16061"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16061\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16062"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16061"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16061"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16061"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Don\u2019t keep putting it off forever <\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t call the solicitor <\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t give in to rage <\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t let them just have it all <\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t make it your sole focus<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>New Year Resolutions<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>I\u2019m here to help<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
5 Divorce New Year Resolutions Not To Make<\/span><\/h1>
Don\u2019t keep putting it off forever <\/span><\/h2>
Don\u2019t call the solicitor <\/span><\/h2>
Don\u2019t give in to rage <\/span><\/h2>
Don\u2019t let them just have it all <\/span><\/h2>
Don\u2019t make it your sole focus<\/span><\/h2>
New Year Resolutions<\/h2>
I\u2019m here to help<\/span><\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>