[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c894a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Valentines and getting divorced \u2013 not the most obvious pairing, right? Well, luckily it\u2019s the 21st<\/sup><\/span> Century and it\u2019s time for a refresh of what Valentine\u2019s Day stands for. So in Love You And Your Divorce This Valentine\u2019s Day <\/em>we are looking at all the ways to bring love back into your life, starting with the most important person \u2013 yourself. It\u2019s time to love you this V-day.<\/p>\n I wanted to share some of the origins of this festival with you for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it just makes me giggle (and we all need a giggle at the moment). And secondly, it shows how old-fashioned the concept of Valentine\u2019s Day is, and how it\u2019s ripe for a reboot!<\/p>\n So, St Valentine\u2019s Day came into being as the Christian church grew in power, in the 5th<\/sup><\/span> Century. Though it wasn\u2019t seen as a romantic festival until around 900 years later. But here\u2019s the bit that amuses and horrifies my 21st<\/sup><\/span> Century mind. Valentine\u2019s Day came to replace a Roman festival called Lupercalia, which was held in the middle of February to celebrate the coming of spring. Nothing wrong with that. But, the way they did it? During that festival they held a lottery, pairing off men with women. And, unfortunately, women back then wouldn\u2019t usually have had the freedom or financial means to be a Lady Who Leaves if that pairing wasn\u2019t great.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So it strikes me, Valentine\u2019s Day is a fantastic time to celebrate the strength and courage of women who are getting divorced. Women like you. These days we no longer have to put up with the results of a lottery. We get to choose who to marry, and if that doesn\u2019t work out, we get to choose to leave too.<\/p>\n Whatever relationships we\u2019re in with other people, the number one relationship we have to work on is with ourselves. Whether we\u2019re single, dating, married, divorced, widowed\u2026 we\u2019re always there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I always tell clients who are considering divorce that \u2018you take yourself with you\u2019. So it\u2019s really worth thinking about whether the problem is with your marriage, or whether it\u2019s something else. Because if it\u2019s something else, it will still be there once the marriage is over.<\/p>\n And often, however kind we are to other people, we do not show that kindness to ourselves. It\u2019s really useful to check-in with how you speak to yourself every so often. Do an audit. It doesn\u2019t even need to be for a whole day \u2013 often an hour or two is enough to get a sense of your own self-talk.<\/p>\n Chances are, the way you speak to yourself is not the way you would speak to your friend, or your children. Chances are, several times a day you\u2019ll be telling yourself things like:<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m such an idiot\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI messed that up\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI haven\u2019t got what it takes to do this\u201d<\/p>\n \u2026Or similar. You\u2019ll know what words or phrases you use to attack yourself.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not going to ask you to immediately do the opposite. If you\u2019re so used to mentally beating yourself up, plastering on a smile and saying \u201cEvery day in every way I\u2019m getting better and better\u201d is going to feel too cheesy and artificial. (Though by all means try it if you feel like it \u2013 affirmations can work brilliantly if they\u2019re the right ones for you!)<\/p>\n What I am going to ask you to do first of all is notice<\/i>. When you start verbal bashing yourself notice it. And tell yourself \u201cMy mind is having the thought I\u2019m useless.\u201d Create that space between your thoughts and yourself. That\u2019s the first step to seeing that you are not the useless person you\u2019re telling yourself you are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n This Valentine\u2019s Day I want you to celebrate your strengths and achievements. I\u2019m not talking about trophies, qualifications or accolades. I\u2019m talking about how you live. What you bring to the world.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019re feeling brave enough, I\u2019d love you to ask three trusted friends or family members to tell you three things they admire about you. If this feels cringey, blame me! Tell them Emma\u2019s ordered you to! And really take note of what they tell you. Quite often criticism sticks to us like glue, whereas compliments ping off like Teflon (and the reverse is often true for narcissists). It\u2019s not narcissistic to recognise what we\u2019re good at, though. We want to get to an honest balance, where we can celebrate the unique, imperfect people we are. And we can\u2019t always see it for ourselves without help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Even if you don\u2019t feel brave enough to ask others, take a moment to list your strengths out for yourself. What are the things you are most proud of in the past month? These can be tiny things. It might be that you\u2019ve all survived homeschooling so far. There\u2019s real strength right there in these testing times! It might be that you took time for yourself when you were feeling low. Or that you got some food in for a neighbour. Whatever it is, write everything down and recognise what you bring. Recognise you are worthy of your own love and respect.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Maybe you\u2019re reading this and thinking, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve failed at all of those things. I\u2019m still here, my kids are still here, but they\u2019ve barely done any school work, we\u2019re shouting all the time and I\u2019ve not helped anyone else.\u201d<\/p>\n I can guarantee that some of you reading this will really struggle to see your strengths. And that\u2019s ok. I promise you they are there. You are just having a really, really tough time at the moment. Getting divorced is the number 2 most stressful life experience anyway (after death of a spouse or child). Add lockdown into the mix and it\u2019s a recipe for crisis point.<\/p>\n If you are feeling at rock bottom – as though you\u2019ve got nothing to offer, and nothing worthy of love, I\u2019d like you to try this. Be your own best friend. Imagine someone who you\u2019ve grown up with all your life. Someone who\u2019s gone through life\u2019s highs and lows, making mistakes, having fun, growing and changing. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Picture everything that\u2019s happened to them, in the past and now. Remember it\u2019s not happening to you, it\u2019s happening to them \u2013 this best friend character you\u2019re creating. And right now they\u2019re at rock bottom, not being the gentlest with their kids, not having capacity to do much other than stay alive.<\/p>\n What would you say to them? Would you say they\u2019re worthless?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Thought not.<\/p>\n However weak or unhappy with yourself, or dysfunctional you are feeling at the moment, remember that you\u2019re not going to feel like this forever. And you are still worthy of love. Now more than ever. So hold steady. What one, tiny kind thing can you do to show yourself some love today? If you were to buy yourself a small Valentine\u2019s gift to show yourself some love, what would it be?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Love You And Your Divorce This Valentine\u2019s Day. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is ask for help. You could simply message friends and let them know you\u2019re feeling low. Often that simple act of telling someone can make all the difference, without anything else needing to happen. Or you could ask for practical help \u2013 for someone to drop off some food containing a vegetable or two, maybe.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If there are areas of your divorce that are causing you stress, get professional help. Perhaps you need counselling, many therapists are offering remote services at the moment. If you can\u2019t see the wood for the trees to move your divorce forward, I can help \u2013 with both the emotional and practical decisions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The Absolute Academy<\/a><\/span> is there for women who want to make smart choices about life and divorce. And they want a community of like-minded women around them as they do it. It\u2019s a real community in there \u2013 we support each other through the highs and the lows. If you need people to show you some love because you\u2019ve forgotten how to do it for yourself, that\u2019s the place to be!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n And with a monthly cost that\u2019s roughly the same as many solicitors\u2019 hourly rates, it\u2019s a smart financial choice too. A place to save money and save your emotional health as you divorce.\u00a0 <\/span>So if you want to make sure you love you and your divorce this Valentine\u2019s Day, come and join us<\/span><\/a>. The door\u2019s always open.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Love You And Your Divorce This Valentine\u2019s Day Valentines and getting divorced \u2013 not the most obvious pairing, right? Well, luckily it\u2019s the 21st Century and it\u2019s time for a refresh of what Valentine\u2019s Day stands for. So in Love You And Your Divorce This Valentine\u2019s Day we are looking at all the ways to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16141,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Valentines and getting divorced \u2013 not the most obvious pairing, right? Well, luckily it\u2019s the 21st<\/sup><\/span> Century and it\u2019s time for a refresh of what Valentine\u2019s Day stands for. So in Love You And Your Divorce This Valentine\u2019s Day <\/em>we are looking at all the ways to bring love back into your life, starting with the most important person \u2013 yourself. It\u2019s time to love you this V-day.<\/p> I wanted to share some of the origins of this festival with you for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it just makes me giggle (and we all need a giggle at the moment). And secondly, it shows how old-fashioned the concept of Valentine\u2019s Day is, and how it\u2019s ripe for a reboot!<\/p> So, St Valentine\u2019s Day came into being as the Christian church grew in power, in the 5th<\/sup><\/span> Century. Though it wasn\u2019t seen as a romantic festival until around 900 years later. But here\u2019s the bit that amuses and horrifies my 21st<\/sup><\/span> Century mind. Valentine\u2019s Day came to replace a Roman festival called Lupercalia, which was held in the middle of February to celebrate the coming of spring. Nothing wrong with that. But, the way they did it? During that festival they held a lottery, pairing off men with women. And, unfortunately, women back then wouldn\u2019t usually have had the freedom or financial means to be a Lady Who Leaves if that pairing wasn\u2019t great.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> So it strikes me, Valentine\u2019s Day is a fantastic time to celebrate the strength and courage of women who are getting divorced. Women like you. These days we no longer have to put up with the results of a lottery. We get to choose who to marry, and if that doesn\u2019t work out, we get to choose to leave too.<\/p> Whatever relationships we\u2019re in with other people, the number one relationship we have to work on is with ourselves. Whether we\u2019re single, dating, married, divorced, widowed\u2026 we\u2019re always there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> I always tell clients who are considering divorce that \u2018you take yourself with you\u2019. So it\u2019s really worth thinking about whether the problem is with your marriage, or whether it\u2019s something else. Because if it\u2019s something else, it will still be there once the marriage is over.<\/p> And often, however kind we are to other people, we do not show that kindness to ourselves. It\u2019s really useful to check-in with how you speak to yourself every so often. Do an audit. It doesn\u2019t even need to be for a whole day \u2013 often an hour or two is enough to get a sense of your own self-talk.<\/p> Chances are, the way you speak to yourself is not the way you would speak to your friend, or your children. Chances are, several times a day you\u2019ll be telling yourself things like:<\/p> \u201cI\u2019m such an idiot\u201d<\/p> \u201cI messed that up\u201d<\/p> \u201cI haven\u2019t got what it takes to do this\u201d<\/p> \u2026Or similar. You\u2019ll know what words or phrases you use to attack yourself.<\/p> I\u2019m not going to ask you to immediately do the opposite. If you\u2019re so used to mentally beating yourself up, plastering on a smile and saying \u201cEvery day in every way I\u2019m getting better and better\u201d is going to feel too cheesy and artificial. (Though by all means try it if you feel like it \u2013 affirmations can work brilliantly if they\u2019re the right ones for you!)<\/p> What I am going to ask you to do first of all is notice<\/i>. When you start verbal bashing yourself notice it. And tell yourself \u201cMy mind is having the thought I\u2019m useless.\u201d Create that space between your thoughts and yourself. That\u2019s the first step to seeing that you are not the useless person you\u2019re telling yourself you are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> This Valentine\u2019s Day I want you to celebrate your strengths and achievements. I\u2019m not talking about trophies, qualifications or accolades. I\u2019m talking about how you live. What you bring to the world.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If you\u2019re feeling brave enough, I\u2019d love you to ask three trusted friends or family members to tell you three things they admire about you. If this feels cringey, blame me! Tell them Emma\u2019s ordered you to! And really take note of what they tell you. Quite often criticism sticks to us like glue, whereas compliments ping off like Teflon (and the reverse is often true for narcissists). It\u2019s not narcissistic to recognise what we\u2019re good at, though. We want to get to an honest balance, where we can celebrate the unique, imperfect people we are. And we can\u2019t always see it for ourselves without help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Even if you don\u2019t feel brave enough to ask others, take a moment to list your strengths out for yourself. What are the things you are most proud of in the past month? These can be tiny things. It might be that you\u2019ve all survived homeschooling so far. There\u2019s real strength right there in these testing times! It might be that you took time for yourself when you were feeling low. Or that you got some food in for a neighbour. Whatever it is, write everything down and recognise what you bring. Recognise you are worthy of your own love and respect.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Maybe you\u2019re reading this and thinking, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve failed at all of those things. I\u2019m still here, my kids are still here, but they\u2019ve barely done any school work, we\u2019re shouting all the time and I\u2019ve not helped anyone else.\u201d<\/p> I can guarantee that some of you reading this will really struggle to see your strengths. And that\u2019s ok. I promise you they are there. You are just having a really, really tough time at the moment. Getting divorced is the number 2 most stressful life experience anyway (after death of a spouse or child). Add lockdown into the mix and it\u2019s a recipe for crisis point.<\/p> If you are feeling at rock bottom - as though you\u2019ve got nothing to offer, and nothing worthy of love, I\u2019d like you to try this. Be your own best friend. Imagine someone who you\u2019ve grown up with all your life. Someone who\u2019s gone through life\u2019s highs and lows, making mistakes, having fun, growing and changing. \u00a0<\/span><\/p> Picture everything that\u2019s happened to them, in the past and now. Remember it\u2019s not happening to you, it\u2019s happening to them \u2013 this best friend character you\u2019re creating. And right now they\u2019re at rock bottom, not being the gentlest with their kids, not having capacity to do much other than stay alive.<\/p> What would you say to them? Would you say they\u2019re worthless?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Thought not.<\/p> However weak or unhappy with yourself, or dysfunctional you are feeling at the moment, remember that you\u2019re not going to feel like this forever. And you are still worthy of love. Now more than ever. So hold steady. What one, tiny kind thing can you do to show yourself some love today? If you were to buy yourself a small Valentine\u2019s gift to show yourself some love, what would it be?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Love You And Your Divorce This Valentine\u2019s Day. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is ask for help. You could simply message friends and let them know you\u2019re feeling low. Often that simple act of telling someone can make all the difference, without anything else needing to happen. Or you could ask for practical help \u2013 for someone to drop off some food containing a vegetable or two, maybe.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If there are areas of your divorce that are causing you stress, get professional help. Perhaps you need counselling, many therapists are offering remote services at the moment. If you can\u2019t see the wood for the trees to move your divorce forward, I can help \u2013 with both the emotional and practical decisions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> The Absolute Academy<\/a><\/span> is there for women who want to make smart choices about life and divorce. And they want a community of like-minded women around them as they do it. It\u2019s a real community in there \u2013 we support each other through the highs and the lows. If you need people to show you some love because you\u2019ve forgotten how to do it for yourself, that\u2019s the place to be!\u00a0<\/span><\/p> And with a monthly cost that\u2019s roughly the same as many solicitors\u2019 hourly rates, it\u2019s a smart financial choice too. A place to save money and save your emotional health as you divorce.\u00a0 <\/span>So if you want to make sure you love you and your divorce this Valentine\u2019s Day, come and join us<\/span><\/a>. The door\u2019s always open.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[12,397],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-support","category-divorce-self-care"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4ck","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-27.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16140","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16140"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16140\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16141"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16140"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16140"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16140"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>What\u2019s Valentine\u2019s Day got to do with divorce anyway?<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Tune into yourself\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Love your strengths<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Love your weaknesses<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Get some support<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Love You And Your Divorce This Valentine\u2019s Day<\/h1>
What\u2019s Valentine\u2019s Day got to do with divorce anyway?<\/h2>
Tune into yourself\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>
Love your strengths<\/h2>
Love your weaknesses<\/h2>
Get some support<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>