[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
So, last week was Valentine\u2019s Day. Mostly a hallmark festival these days. But if you\u2019re getting divorced a valuable reminder to treat yourself with love and kindness. Which is what I explored on the blog. Not read it yet? You can do so here<\/span><\/a> \u2013 it\u2019s a hug in a blog post, so please do. But now it\u2019s time to rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce.<\/p>\n Many women leave their marriages completely done in. It takes a huge amount of courage to leave, whatever your circumstances. And that comes after months or years of being in a marriage that drained rather than energised you. It can leave you feeling at rock bottom. And, often, in a place of self-criticism and guilt. So it\u2019s hugely important to get used to spending time with yourself again, on your terms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n This is even more important in these lockdown weeks, with so many of our friends and family out of reach. If you\u2019re feeling exhausted: spinning from homeschooling to home working to divorce to checking in with parents\u2026 this one\u2019s for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n First up, if you are worn down, fed up and have simply had enough, know that I hear you. I am not here to say you must do better \u2013 to fix it and you\u2019ll be smashing this thing called life. Life is hard at the moment. For everyone. Even harder with the emotional and practical burden of divorce.<\/p>\n So if you\u2019re feeling sad, let yourself be sad. If you\u2019re feeling crabby, let yourself be crabby. If you need a rest, for goodness sake, please rest! This is a time for gentleness and compassion \u2013 to ourselves first of all.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I am here to invite you to prioritise yourself. And to give you some manageable ways to rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n In times of crisis, we become what we do. And for many women, that\u2019s looking after others. Taking care of our children. Ensuring our work colleagues have what they need. Checking in on your neighbour. Our sense of identity as well as our time can get clogged up by these pulls. And then there\u2019s the emotional and practical labour of divorce. It can be all-consuming.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But you are not simply caretaker, parent, teacher, manager, assistant, neighbour, divorcing woman. You are so much more than all of those roles. And to rekindle your relationship with yourself you need to get beyond the doing into being. Back into being with yourself.<\/p>\n So how do you go about reconnecting with yourself when the world demands so much of you? If you\u2019re a regular to the blog you\u2019ll have heard me talk about boundaries before. It\u2019s so important to set boundaries in your divorce \u2013 and this is especially true if you\u2019re divorcing someone with narcissistic traits. You can get started on boundary-setting with your soon-to-be-ex here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But what about the rest of your life? Where can you draw some lines? You may be used to propping up everyone else\u2019s worlds. But you can\u2019t do that forever, or you\u2019ll collapse. You need to save some time and energy for yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Start off by doing a quick mental audit of your day. Who are you serving each hour of the day? I\u2019ll bet there are very few times the only person you\u2019re looking after is yourself. And during those rare times, your energy is going to be at rock bottom. Which is not the best place to start meeting your own needs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So who can you set a limit with, and when? Can you make a deal with your children that they can have an hour with the TV as long as they don\u2019t fight and can leave you alone? Rather than call your elderly neighbour every day can you share the task with someone else? If your colleagues are dumping work on you can you negotiate deadlines or redistribution of projects?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n You do not need to be the person to solve everyone\u2019s problems all the time. And this is good for other people to see. You don\u2019t want your daughter to grow up to run herself into the ground looking after everyone else. Nor do you want your team at work to burn out with exhaustion. You don\u2019t want your 33-year-old little sister thinking she has to keep pace with her \u2018superwoman\u2019 big sister.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Show them it\u2019s ok to take some time out and look after their own needs. Don\u2019t just tell them. Show them by doing it yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Finally \u2013 you might need to set boundaries with yourself. I expect we\u2019re all guilty of doomscrolling on social media. Or staying up too late because (ironically) we\u2019re too mentally and physically exhausted to get to bed. If you know you are doing things that are draining you \u2013 stop. Notice what you are doing and choose differently.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n When you Rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce, the first step is to recognise what you need. This can be a surprisingly hard question to answer when you\u2019ve not asked it of yourself for a while.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Try it now. Stop what you\u2019re doing. Close your eyes. Take three, slow, deep, breaths. Then, say quietly to yourself: \u201cWhat do I need?\u201d<\/p>\n Make a mental note of your first thought. It might be something big \u2013 you might be reminding yourself you need help or you\u2019ll collapse. It might be something tiny, like five minutes\u2019 peace with a cup of tea and just yourself for company. But, quite often, your first thought will tell you something important.<\/p>\n Then make a list of your needs. Let your thoughts go all over with this.\u00a0 <\/span>Blurt it all out on the page. And then, for each need you identify, what can you do to bring you closer to meeting that need? Remember you won\u2019t be able to fix everything all at once. Especially in these Covid times.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But putting down a concrete action that will move you closer does two things. It makes taking the action easier \u2013 it becomes something tangible you can do. And it reminds your brain that you are a person with needs too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I want you to commit to doing something purely selfish for at least five minutes a day. Five minutes, that\u2019s all. I\u2019m not going to be prescriptive about what it is. You\u2019ll know best what\u2019s refuelling for you. It could be something like:<\/p>\n It could be something completely different. The important thing is the intention behind it. It\u2019s not about killing time before bed, or mindlessly picking up your phone because you\u2019ve got a spare minute. It\u2019s about spending time with yourself, on yourself. With purpose. Every single day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Sometimes we need someone else to hold the space for us. To hold a mirror up so we can see ourselves more easily. I can be that person for you. With over five years\u2019 experience as a divorce coach, I can support you with both the emotional and the legal decisions you need to make. Rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce.\u00a0 And it all starts with tuning into you, your needs, your values and desires. We can do that together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Join The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a> to get access to weekly zooms with me, as well as a community of fabulous women who are journeying their divorces together. It\u2019s a place to be yourself and find yourself again. And it\u2019s a lot of fun.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce So, last week was Valentine\u2019s Day. Mostly a hallmark festival these days. But if you\u2019re getting divorced a valuable reminder to treat yourself with love and kindness. Which is what I explored on the blog. Not read it yet? You can do so here \u2013 it\u2019s a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16151,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" So, last week was Valentine\u2019s Day. Mostly a hallmark festival these days. But if you\u2019re getting divorced a valuable reminder to treat yourself with love and kindness. Which is what I explored on the blog. Not read it yet? You can do so here<\/span><\/a> \u2013 it\u2019s a hug in a blog post, so please do. But now it\u2019s time to rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce.<\/p> Many women leave their marriages completely done in. It takes a huge amount of courage to leave, whatever your circumstances. And that comes after months or years of being in a marriage that drained rather than energised you. It can leave you feeling at rock bottom. And, often, in a place of self-criticism and guilt. So it\u2019s hugely important to get used to spending time with yourself again, on your terms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> This is even more important in these lockdown weeks, with so many of our friends and family out of reach. If you\u2019re feeling exhausted: spinning from homeschooling to home working to divorce to checking in with parents\u2026 this one\u2019s for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> First up, if you are worn down, fed up and have simply had enough, know that I hear you. I am not here to say you must do better \u2013 to fix it and you\u2019ll be smashing this thing called life. Life is hard at the moment. For everyone. Even harder with the emotional and practical burden of divorce.<\/p> So if you\u2019re feeling sad, let yourself be sad. If you\u2019re feeling crabby, let yourself be crabby. If you need a rest, for goodness sake, please rest! This is a time for gentleness and compassion \u2013 to ourselves first of all.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> I am here to invite you to prioritise yourself. And to give you some manageable ways to rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> In times of crisis, we become what we do. And for many women, that\u2019s looking after others. Taking care of our children. Ensuring our work colleagues have what they need. Checking in on your neighbour. Our sense of identity as well as our time can get clogged up by these pulls. And then there\u2019s the emotional and practical labour of divorce. It can be all-consuming.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> But you are not simply caretaker, parent, teacher, manager, assistant, neighbour, divorcing woman. You are so much more than all of those roles. And to rekindle your relationship with yourself you need to get beyond the doing into being. Back into being with yourself.<\/p> So how do you go about reconnecting with yourself when the world demands so much of you? If you\u2019re a regular to the blog you\u2019ll have heard me talk about boundaries before. It\u2019s so important to set boundaries in your divorce \u2013 and this is especially true if you\u2019re divorcing someone with narcissistic traits. You can get started on boundary-setting with your soon-to-be-ex here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> But what about the rest of your life? Where can you draw some lines? You may be used to propping up everyone else\u2019s worlds. But you can\u2019t do that forever, or you\u2019ll collapse. You need to save some time and energy for yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Start off by doing a quick mental audit of your day. Who are you serving each hour of the day? I\u2019ll bet there are very few times the only person you\u2019re looking after is yourself. And during those rare times, your energy is going to be at rock bottom. Which is not the best place to start meeting your own needs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> So who can you set a limit with, and when? Can you make a deal with your children that they can have an hour with the TV as long as they don\u2019t fight and can leave you alone? Rather than call your elderly neighbour every day can you share the task with someone else? If your colleagues are dumping work on you can you negotiate deadlines or redistribution of projects?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> You do not need to be the person to solve everyone\u2019s problems all the time. And this is good for other people to see. You don\u2019t want your daughter to grow up to run herself into the ground looking after everyone else. Nor do you want your team at work to burn out with exhaustion. You don\u2019t want your 33-year-old little sister thinking she has to keep pace with her \u2018superwoman\u2019 big sister.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Show them it\u2019s ok to take some time out and look after their own needs. Don\u2019t just tell them. Show them by doing it yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Finally \u2013 you might need to set boundaries with yourself. I expect we\u2019re all guilty of doomscrolling on social media. Or staying up too late because (ironically) we\u2019re too mentally and physically exhausted to get to bed. If you know you are doing things that are draining you \u2013 stop. Notice what you are doing and choose differently.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> When you Rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce, the first step is to recognise what you need. This can be a surprisingly hard question to answer when you\u2019ve not asked it of yourself for a while.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Try it now. Stop what you\u2019re doing. Close your eyes. Take three, slow, deep, breaths. Then, say quietly to yourself: \u201cWhat do I need?\u201d<\/p> Make a mental note of your first thought. It might be something big \u2013 you might be reminding yourself you need help or you\u2019ll collapse. It might be something tiny, like five minutes\u2019 peace with a cup of tea and just yourself for company. But, quite often, your first thought will tell you something important.<\/p> Then make a list of your needs. Let your thoughts go all over with this.\u00a0 <\/span>Blurt it all out on the page. And then, for each need you identify, what can you do to bring you closer to meeting that need? Remember you won\u2019t be able to fix everything all at once. Especially in these Covid times.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> But putting down a concrete action that will move you closer does two things. It makes taking the action easier \u2013 it becomes something tangible you can do. And it reminds your brain that you are a person with needs too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> I want you to commit to doing something purely selfish for at least five minutes a day. Five minutes, that\u2019s all. I\u2019m not going to be prescriptive about what it is. You\u2019ll know best what\u2019s refuelling for you. It could be something like:<\/p> It could be something completely different. The important thing is the intention behind it. It\u2019s not about killing time before bed, or mindlessly picking up your phone because you\u2019ve got a spare minute. It\u2019s about spending time with yourself, on yourself. With purpose. Every single day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Sometimes we need someone else to hold the space for us. To hold a mirror up so we can see ourselves more easily. I can be that person for you. With over five years\u2019 experience as a divorce coach, I can support you with both the emotional and the legal decisions you need to make. Rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce.\u00a0 And it all starts with tuning into you, your needs, your values and desires. We can do that together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Join The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a> to get access to weekly zooms with me, as well as a community of fabulous women who are journeying their divorces together. It\u2019s a place to be yourself and find yourself again. And it\u2019s a lot of fun.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16150","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-coaching"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4cu","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-28.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16150","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16150"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16150\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16151"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>You are not a machine<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>You are more than a series of roles<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Set your boundaries<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>You are not Mrs Fixit<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>What do you need?\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Create a new tiny habit for you<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Get the help you need as you divorce<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Rekindle your relationship with yourself as you divorce<\/h1>
You are not a machine<\/h2>
You are more than a series of roles<\/h2>
Set your boundaries<\/h2>
You are not Mrs Fixit<\/h2>
What do you need?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>
Create a new tiny habit for you<\/h2>
Get the help you need as you divorce<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>