[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ header_3_text_align=”justify” header_3_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Divorce is perhaps the most momentous life events you\u2019ll ever go through. And, let\u2019s face it, has the potential for lots of stress. Upset and uncertainty are characteristics of any divorce. But that doesn\u2019t mean your life has to be consumed by stress. Given the process could take upwards of six months, it\u2019s important to minimise divorce stress as much as possible. And in How To Minimise Divorce Stress <\/em>we explore how.<\/p>\n It may sound counter-intuitive, but one of the best ways to dial down your stress is to accept it. The \u2018Life Change Scale Index\u2019 lists divorce as the second most stressful life event you will experience (after death of a spouse or child). There\u2019s no getting away from the fact that divorce is stressful \u2013 emotionally and practically.<\/p>\n Accepting stress doesn\u2019t mean welcoming it in with open arms and making it comfortable. It simply means acknowledging it will be there, at least for parts of your divorce ride. And letting that be. You don\u2019t have to like it, but letting it exist, rather than fighting it, will take a struggle away. You have enough on your plate already without feeling bad about being stressed.<\/p>\n There are inevitable stresses divorce will bring. These are things like emotional wrangles with your soon-to-be-ex, worries about the future, concern about how to navigate the legalities. And then there are the stresses you layer on top of them:<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m so stupid, I don\u2019t understand this form.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI shouted at the children again, I\u2019m an awful mum.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m on the floor with all this, why can\u2019t I just get on with it?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Do you see the difference? Some of the stress divorce brings is inevitable. Though it doesn\u2019t have to feel really stressful all the time \u2013 more on that later.<\/p>\n But the stresses I\u2019m talking about now are the ones you pile on yourself \u2013 the inner critic shouting you down for feeling stressed. I\u2019m not going to ask you to silence your inner critic, because that\u2019s impossible. But recognise it\u2019s them talking. And what they\u2019re saying isn\u2019t the truth. It\u2019s the story your inner critic likes to tell to push your buttons. Acknowledge it as a story. You don\u2019t have to believe it.<\/p>\n Most of us are experts at beating ourselves up. Our inner critics love a party, and divorce is their party of the century! But try to step away from the tornado of guilt and shame that might be looping around your head.<\/p>\n Recognise it for what it is. It\u2019s a story. Does it have basis in fact? Does the fact you lost your temper with the children mean that you\u2019re a dreadful parent? Does the fact that you don\u2019t understand a legal process you\u2019ve never been exposed to before mean you\u2019re stupid? No. It doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Aim to cultivate a kinder attitude to yourself. You\u2019re not going to silence your inner critic forever, they\u2019re part of you too. But you can also listen to more helpful voices. Imagine your best friend or teenager confided that they were continually putting themselves down and felt worthless. What would you say to them? Say those things to yourself too.<\/p>\n Stress and overwhelm are besties. So one of the most effective ways to minimise your stress is to minimise your overwhelm. Put yourself in the driving seat. Step into the role of CEO of your own divorce<\/span><\/a>. You don\u2019t have to do everything all at once. You don\u2019t even have to do everything yourself \u2013 a CEO doesn\u2019t. They know when to delegate.<\/p>\n One of the best steps you can make when getting divorced is to read my book. How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a> is packed with information, resources and exercises so you can do the right things in the right order. It will leave you confident in your next steps rather than feeling in the dark about your decisions. So you can make a plan you trust, and that will help keep your stress levels as low as possible.<\/p>\n When you feel stressed about your divorce what do you mean? It\u2019s so easy to say, \u201cI\u2019m stressed\u201d \u2013 we all do it, me included! But what does that actually look like for you? Think about:<\/p>\n As we\u2019ve seen, stress and overwhelm are closely related, so it can feel like one bit toxic fog. But spend some time getting to the heart of the specific things that are making you feel stressed. Are they to do with money? Children? How your soon-to-be-ex is behaving? Not having enough time? All of the above? A certain level of stress is good for us \u2013 it gives us an adrenaline jolt. It was wired into us so we didn\u2019t get eaten by sabre-toothed tigers after all. It\u2019s not a bad thing in itself. But we all respond to stress differently, with some of us thriving and some of us wilting. And it\u2019s not good for any of us long term. So think about how the stress is making you feel. Are you feeling anxious, depressed, panicky? Sometimes the stress may have positive effects \u2013 it can give you the energy to take action, for example. Again, try and be as specific as possible and write it all down.<\/p>\n What you have just created is the start of a stress-busting list. You have your problems listed \u2013 whether they are about your situation or your feelings. Now it\u2019s time to take each in turn. What specific actions could you take with each one to move it forward? And, importantly, who else could help you with it? What help can you tap into from your own circles or from professional support?<\/p>\n Do not be afraid to ask for help. And if it\u2019s legal help you need, I highly recommend joining The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>. The monthly cost is less than the hourly rate for many solicitors. The women in there save themselves a fortune!<\/p>\n Many of my clients make the mistake of treating divorce as a full-time job. And I get it, I do. Divorce is a big deal. It can feel all-consuming. But you will lower your stress levels considerably if you can create space and time for something else.<\/p>\n For having fun. For reconnecting with who you are \u2013 or who you were before your marriage turned unhealthy. For pursuing the things that make you feel good, as well as just soldiering on with the divorce paperwork in the evenings.<\/p>\n As we (hopefully) ease out of lockdown it will be easier to meet with friends and loved ones. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. The \u2018friend\u2019 who constantly makes you second guess yourself? No. The friend who makes you laugh? Yes. The friend who you can cry in front of without judgement, and feel better? Yes. Seek out the people and activities that bring meaning to your life.<\/p>\n And it\u2019s not just about instant gratification. It\u2019s about the things that really matter. Did you always want to try your hand at climbing, for example, but your soon-to-be-ex put you off? Get a beginner\u2019s climbing course booked in for June.<\/p>\n As I said, How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a> is the ultimate companion read to take the stress out of divorce. And it\u2019s a heck of a lot cheaper than a solicitor! If you find you want closer support as you navigate divorce I\u2019m always happy to chat.<\/p>\n You can book a call here<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Love a Podcast? Well, The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/strong><\/a> is here to support you too. Take a listen!<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0 The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/a><\/strong>. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" How To Minimise Divorce Stress Divorce is perhaps the most momentous life events you\u2019ll ever go through. And, let\u2019s face it, has the potential for lots of stress. Upset and uncertainty are characteristics of any divorce. But that doesn\u2019t mean your life has to be consumed by stress. Given the process could take upwards of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16192,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Divorce is perhaps the most momentous life events you\u2019ll ever go through. And, let\u2019s face it, has the potential for lots of stress. Upset and uncertainty are characteristics of any divorce. But that doesn\u2019t mean your life has to be consumed by stress. Given the process could take upwards of six months, it\u2019s important to minimise divorce stress as much as possible. And in How To Minimise Divorce Stress <\/em>we explore how.<\/p> It may sound counter-intuitive, but one of the best ways to dial down your stress is to accept it. The \u2018Life Change Scale Index\u2019 lists divorce as the second most stressful life event you will experience (after death of a spouse or child). There\u2019s no getting away from the fact that divorce is stressful \u2013 emotionally and practically.<\/p> Accepting stress doesn\u2019t mean welcoming it in with open arms and making it comfortable. It simply means acknowledging it will be there, at least for parts of your divorce ride. And letting that be. You don\u2019t have to like it, but letting it exist, rather than fighting it, will take a struggle away. You have enough on your plate already without feeling bad about being stressed.<\/p> There are inevitable stresses divorce will bring. These are things like emotional wrangles with your soon-to-be-ex, worries about the future, concern about how to navigate the legalities. And then there are the stresses you layer on top of them:<\/p> \u201cI\u2019m so stupid, I don\u2019t understand this form.\u201d<\/i><\/p> \u201cI shouted at the children again, I\u2019m an awful mum.\u201d<\/i><\/p> \u201cI\u2019m on the floor with all this, why can\u2019t I just get on with it?\u201d<\/i><\/p> Do you see the difference? Some of the stress divorce brings is inevitable. Though it doesn\u2019t have to feel really stressful all the time \u2013 more on that later.<\/p> But the stresses I\u2019m talking about now are the ones you pile on yourself \u2013 the inner critic shouting you down for feeling stressed. I\u2019m not going to ask you to silence your inner critic, because that\u2019s impossible. But recognise it\u2019s them talking. And what they\u2019re saying isn\u2019t the truth. It\u2019s the story your inner critic likes to tell to push your buttons. Acknowledge it as a story. You don\u2019t have to believe it.<\/p> Most of us are experts at beating ourselves up. Our inner critics love a party, and divorce is their party of the century! But try to step away from the tornado of guilt and shame that might be looping around your head.<\/p> Recognise it for what it is. It\u2019s a story. Does it have basis in fact? Does the fact you lost your temper with the children mean that you\u2019re a dreadful parent? Does the fact that you don\u2019t understand a legal process you\u2019ve never been exposed to before mean you\u2019re stupid? No. It doesn\u2019t.<\/p> Aim to cultivate a kinder attitude to yourself. You\u2019re not going to silence your inner critic forever, they\u2019re part of you too. But you can also listen to more helpful voices. Imagine your best friend or teenager confided that they were continually putting themselves down and felt worthless. What would you say to them? Say those things to yourself too.<\/p> Stress and overwhelm are besties. So one of the most effective ways to minimise your stress is to minimise your overwhelm. Put yourself in the driving seat. Step into the role of CEO of your own divorce<\/span><\/a>. You don\u2019t have to do everything all at once. You don\u2019t even have to do everything yourself \u2013 a CEO doesn\u2019t. They know when to delegate.<\/p> One of the best steps you can make when getting divorced is to read my book. How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a> is packed with information, resources and exercises so you can do the right things in the right order. It will leave you confident in your next steps rather than feeling in the dark about your decisions. So you can make a plan you trust, and that will help keep your stress levels as low as possible.<\/p> When you feel stressed about your divorce what do you mean? It\u2019s so easy to say, \u201cI\u2019m stressed\u201d \u2013 we all do it, me included! But what does that actually look like for you? Think about:<\/p> As we\u2019ve seen, stress and overwhelm are closely related, so it can feel like one bit toxic fog. But spend some time getting to the heart of the specific things that are making you feel stressed. Are they to do with money? Children? How your soon-to-be-ex is behaving? Not having enough time? All of the above? A certain level of stress is good for us \u2013 it gives us an adrenaline jolt. It was wired into us so we didn\u2019t get eaten by sabre-toothed tigers after all. It\u2019s not a bad thing in itself. But we all respond to stress differently, with some of us thriving and some of us wilting. And it\u2019s not good for any of us long term. So think about how the stress is making you feel. Are you feeling anxious, depressed, panicky? Sometimes the stress may have positive effects \u2013 it can give you the energy to take action, for example. Again, try and be as specific as possible and write it all down.<\/p> What you have just created is the start of a stress-busting list. You have your problems listed \u2013 whether they are about your situation or your feelings. Now it\u2019s time to take each in turn. What specific actions could you take with each one to move it forward? And, importantly, who else could help you with it? What help can you tap into from your own circles or from professional support?<\/p> Do not be afraid to ask for help. And if it\u2019s legal help you need, I highly recommend joining The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>. The monthly cost is less than the hourly rate for many solicitors. The women in there save themselves a fortune!<\/p> Many of my clients make the mistake of treating divorce as a full-time job. And I get it, I do. Divorce is a big deal. It can feel all-consuming. But you will lower your stress levels considerably if you can create space and time for something else.<\/p> For having fun. For reconnecting with who you are \u2013 or who you were before your marriage turned unhealthy. For pursuing the things that make you feel good, as well as just soldiering on with the divorce paperwork in the evenings.<\/p> As we (hopefully) ease out of lockdown it will be easier to meet with friends and loved ones. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. The \u2018friend\u2019 who constantly makes you second guess yourself? No. The friend who makes you laugh? Yes. The friend who you can cry in front of without judgement, and feel better? Yes. Seek out the people and activities that bring meaning to your life.<\/p> And it\u2019s not just about instant gratification. It\u2019s about the things that really matter. Did you always want to try your hand at climbing, for example, but your soon-to-be-ex put you off? Get a beginner\u2019s climbing course booked in for June.<\/p> As I said, How To Be A Lady Who Leaves<\/span><\/a> is the ultimate companion read to take the stress out of divorce. And it\u2019s a heck of a lot cheaper than a solicitor! If you find you want closer support as you navigate divorce I\u2019m always happy to chat.<\/p> You can book a call here<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1841,397,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-mental-health","category-divorce-self-care","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-34.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4d9","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16191","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16191"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16191\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16192"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16191"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16191"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16191"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>You can\u2019t get rid of divorce stress entirely<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Different types of stress<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Give yourself a mental break<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Break it down<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Seek the help you need<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>1. What\u2019s causing your divorce stress?<\/span><\/h3>\n
Get it all down, as specifically as possible. What is it about money that\u2019s stressing you? Or the children? Break all of your worries down into separate, specific issues where possible. Write them down.<\/p>\n<\/span>2. How does the stress makes you feel?
<\/b><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/span>You are more than your divorce<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Let me help you!<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
How To Minimise Divorce Stress<\/h1>
You can\u2019t get rid of divorce stress entirely<\/h2>
Different types of stress<\/h2>
Give yourself a mental break<\/h2>
Break it down<\/h2>
Seek the help you need<\/h2>
1.What\u2019s causing your divorce stress?<\/h3>
Get it all down, as specifically as possible. What is it about money that\u2019s stressing you? Or the children? Break all of your worries down into separate, specific issues where possible. Write them down.<\/p>2. How does the stress makes you feel?
<\/b><\/h3>You are more than your divorce<\/h2>
Let me help you!<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>