{"id":16194,"date":"2021-04-04T12:10:19","date_gmt":"2021-04-04T11:10:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=16194"},"modified":"2023-08-14T11:02:15","modified_gmt":"2023-08-14T10:02:15","slug":"your-spouse-wants-a-divorce-what-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/your-spouse-wants-a-divorce-what-now\/","title":{"rendered":"Your spouse wants a divorce \u2013 what now?\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"

Divorce is stressful enough when it\u2019s you instigating it. But if it\u2019s your partner who wants a divorce a whole other load of stress piles on too. In Your spouse wants a divorce \u2013 what now?\u00a0<\/em> we get into how to handle the stress of your partner wanting a divorce. So your partner wants a divorce. What now?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Take a breath<\/span><\/h2>\n

The first thing I urge you to do is breathe. And I mean this literally and metaphorically! When we receive difficult news, or get panicked, our breathing becomes fast and shallow. So focus on taking slower, deeper breaths. It will help you think more clearly and stay grounded.<\/p>\n

When I say take a breath I also mean pause before reacting. This is so hard to do, especially if the news came out of the blue like your spouse wants a divorce. You might feel like you\u2019ve been punched in the gut. It\u2019s easy to want to hit back. To hurt, especially if you\u2019re hurting.<\/p>\n

But don\u2019t get caught up in that instinctive reaction. Try to collect yourself. Don\u2019t fire back with insults or a litany of what they\u2019ve done wrong. Your sole focus needs to be on you right now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re reading this after you\u2019ve already reacted (maybe badly!), don\u2019t worry. Just carry this ethos of taking a breath with you from now.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Consider your own feelings<\/span><\/h2>\n

When someone rejects us \u2013 whether that\u2019s from a job, a friendship group or a marriage – it hurts.\u00a0 When a spouse wants a divorce, even if we know deep down it’s for the best, it’s still painful. We might feel all sorts of indignation, outrage, unfairness. And that\u2019s entirely natural. You won\u2019t be able to make those feelings go away.<\/p>\n

But I want you to look deeper too. Imagine you\u2019re not feeling hurt. What are your own feelings about your marriage? Has it felt healthy and happy to you recently? Have you felt good about yourself and your relationship?<\/p>\n

When my clients ask themselves these questions they often see that things aren\u2019t right in the marriage. Perhaps you\u2019ve settled into a sort of grey monotonous rut. Or maybe have normalised unfair behaviour (one or other of you mentally \u2018checking out\u2019 of your relationship or family, maybe). Or maybe there are more obvious signs. But, 99% of the time it\u2019s clear that things aren\u2019t as healthy as they ideally should be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So, try this for yourself. If I asked you about your marriage the day before your partner told you they wanted a divorce what would you say? What do you really want from a marriage? And are you getting it right now?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Remember your self worth<\/span><\/h2>\n

Most of us base our self-esteem on how others rate us. \u2018Am I a good wife\/parent\/employee\/friend\u2019?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s good to think about the impact we have on others and to treat those around us with kindness and empathy, of course. But it becomes dangerous if we trust other people\u2019s opinions of ourselves above our own.<\/p>\n

Your self worth does not depend on what your partner thinks of you, or anyone else for that matter. Your self-esteem might be on the floor because of this news. If that\u2019s the case, know that\u2019s a normal reaction. But you don\u2019t have to feel like that forever.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Your self worth does not depend on your marriage, or your partner\u2019s view of you. You are worthy simply by being here. And there is so much more to you than the role of wife\/spouse. You had a life before you were married. If you get divorced you will continue to have a life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So as you navigate the early days of finding out your partner wants a divorce, treat yourself kindly. And seek out the loving, non-judgemental friends and family who will support you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Take it slowly<\/span><\/h2>\n

Just because they\u2019ve asked for a divorce doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s a done deal now. There\u2019s a long way to go yet. Over the coming days and weeks you\u2019ll want to understand:<\/p>\n