[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||” theme_builder_area=”post_content”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” global_colors_info=”{}” theme_builder_area=”post_content”]<\/p>\n
Your children\u2019s emotions will be one of the hardest things to cope with as a parent when you get divorced. In How to cope with your children\u2019s stress about divorce,<\/em> we\u2019ll explore what might come up and how to reduce your children\u2019s worry as much as possible.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n First of all, children aren\u2019t daft. If things are rocky in your marriage they will have already picked up on it. Whether it\u2019s in the way you and your speak to each other, the things you don\u2019t do together as a family or hundreds of other signs, they will sense it. And if your marriage isn\u2019t going to get better, then those things won\u2019t change (for the better) either.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n A miserable marriage is more likely to mean miserable children. And, yes, divorce is stressful. No-one likes change imposed on them. Most children won\u2019t relish the idea of their parents being apart. But happier parents will mean happier children in the long run.<\/p>\n And remember, you are your child\u2019s first teacher and role model. Do you want them to learn that staying in an unhappy marriage is what they should do when they\u2019re older? Of course not. This account by writer Violet Fenn<\/span><\/a> explains eloquently why \u2018staying together for the kids\u2019 doesn\u2019t actually do them any favours.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So, yes, you might be feeling guilty for getting divorced. And yes, it\u2019s important to make it as easy on the children as possible. But don\u2019t make the mistake of thinking divorce is the worst option for them if you\u2019re in an unhappy marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If at all possible discuss how to break the news to the children with your soon-to-be-ex and come up with a plan together. Ideally, tell them together, in a calm way, and be prepared for upset and questions.<\/p>\n Try to anticipate their questions in advance, and be united on your answers. Some common questions are likely to be:<\/p>\n Unless there has been a clear, obvious incident, you don\u2019t need to explain the ins-and-outs of your divorce decision to your children. It\u2019s important for their mental health that they maintain a positive relationship with both parents. And the courts take this view too. In all of the court decision-making, the children\u2019s welfare will take priority, and that includes the right for children to enjoy a good relationship with both parents if at all possible.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So don\u2019t get into finger-pointing, either when you tell the children or further down the line. Sure, you\u2019ll want to vent about how rubbish your soon-to-be-ex is, or how badly they\u2019ve behaved. Just don\u2019t do it in front of the children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n One of the most common reactions children have to the news that their parents are separating is to feel rejected. Or that it\u2019s somehow their fault.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Make sure you reassure your children that nothing has changed in terms of how you feel about them. Tell them that they are still very much loved by both parents. Explain that the divorce is simply about the two of you \u2013 that you are no longer happy living together. But that you both still love them and will both still see them. And it is absolutely not their fault that you are getting divorced or their responsibility to make things better.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Teenagers in particular are likely to have complex feelings about divorce, and their role in the family as it changes.\u00a0<\/p>\n We\u2019ve looked at some of the common questions children ask. But we all know that children come up with all sorts of weird and wonderful thoughts. So it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll get some left field questions too. Answer these as honestly as possible. If you don\u2019t have an answer yet, tell them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n You might not know exactly what the arrangements will be for holidays, or next Christmas, for example. So say something like: \u201cWe haven\u2019t finalised all the plans yet but we will make sure we\u2019ll do fun things and you\u2019ll have plenty of time with each of us.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s likely that plans will evolve as your divorce progresses. Keep your children updated in an age-appropriate way. Don\u2019t try and hide things \u2013 if you are going to appointments, tell them. Your children are more likely to feel reassured if they have a sense that you are taking responsibility, even if you don\u2019t have all the answers.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n No one likes feeling out of control. And divorce brings with it a lot of uncertainty. So try to find ways to allow your children to feel they\u2019re on solid ground. Small things like:<\/p>\n Can help them feel more grounded.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But, ultimately, you and your soon-to-be-ex are the parents. You will need to set the terms. Listen to your children\u2019s wishes, of course. And listen to what\u2019s behind them. Often what sounds like anger is actually hurt, or fear. And gently set boundaries over what will and won\u2019t be happening. Children will feel safer knowing their parents are still carrying out their parenting roles, and being responsible for their wellbeing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We are in the 21st<\/sup><\/span> century, your divorce isn\u2019t a shameful secret. Let people at your children\u2019s school know. It might be that your children\u2019s stress about the divorce shows up at school with clinginess, or bad behaviour, or lower marks in schoolwork. Children can put extra pastoral or mental health support in place if needed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If they go to activities like Beavers or Brownies, and you think it might be useful, let the adults there know. It\u2019s helpful if any adults with pastoral responsibility for your children know what\u2019s going on so they can look out for them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If appropriate, encourage your children to turn to a trusted adult to confide in. This might be a family friend, a special auntie or uncle, or someone from school. It\u2019s important they feel able to be honest, and vulnerable. They may be able to do this more easily with someone who\u2019s not you or your soon-to-be-ex. You may want to seek out family therapists if your children are finding it especially tough.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Finally, don\u2019t forget to seek out help for yourself. Managing your children\u2019s stress is stressful in itself. And the old adage \u2018you can\u2019t pour from an empty cup\u2019 sticks around because it\u2019s true. Get the support you need for yourself \u2013 whether that\u2019s from taking time out, speaking to a therapist or venting with friends.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Not everyone will get it. Some of your friends won\u2019t have children. Some won\u2019t have been divorced. Others will \u2013 but their circumstances will be very different to your own. No-one you know is likely to be in the same place as you right now.<\/p>\n That\u2019s why I created The Absolute Academy. It\u2019s a community of supportive women who want to make smart decisions about divorce. Yes, it has tonnes of resources about the divorce process. Yes, I\u2019m on hand every single day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n It also has one of the most wonderful, empowering groups of women I\u2019ve ever come across. Worried about how to talk things through with your children? Let the women in the group share how they did it. Come and join us here.<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/a><\/strong>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" How to cope with your children\u2019s stress about divorce Your children\u2019s emotions will be one of the hardest things to cope with as a parent when you get divorced. In How to cope with your children\u2019s stress about divorce, we\u2019ll explore what might come up and how to reduce your children\u2019s worry as much as […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16200,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Your children\u2019s emotions will be one of the hardest things to cope with as a parent when you get divorced. In How to cope with your children\u2019s stress about divorce,<\/em> we\u2019ll explore what might come up and how to reduce your children\u2019s worry as much as possible.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> First of all, children aren\u2019t daft. If things are rocky in your marriage they will have already picked up on it. Whether it\u2019s in the way you and your speak to each other, the things you don\u2019t do together as a family or hundreds of other signs, they will sense it. And if your marriage isn\u2019t going to get better, then those things won\u2019t change (for the better) either.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> A miserable marriage is more likely to mean miserable children. And, yes, divorce is stressful. No-one likes change imposed on them. Most children won\u2019t relish the idea of their parents being apart. But happier parents will mean happier children in the long run.<\/p> And remember, you are your child\u2019s first teacher and role model. Do you want them to learn that staying in an unhappy marriage is what they should do when they\u2019re older? Of course not. This account by writer Violet Fenn<\/span><\/a> explains eloquently why \u2018staying together for the kids\u2019 doesn\u2019t actually do them any favours.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> So, yes, you might be feeling guilty for getting divorced. And yes, it\u2019s important to make it as easy on the children as possible. But don\u2019t make the mistake of thinking divorce is the worst option for them if you\u2019re in an unhappy marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If at all possible discuss how to break the news to the children with your soon-to-be-ex and come up with a plan together. Ideally, tell them together, in a calm way, and be prepared for upset and questions.<\/p> Try to anticipate their questions in advance, and be united on your answers. Some common questions are likely to be:<\/p> Unless there has been a clear, obvious incident, you don\u2019t need to explain the ins-and-outs of your divorce decision to your children. It\u2019s important for their mental health that they maintain a positive relationship with both parents. And the courts take this view too. In all of the court decision-making, the children\u2019s welfare will take priority, and that includes the right for children to enjoy a good relationship with both parents if at all possible.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> So don\u2019t get into finger-pointing, either when you tell the children or further down the line. Sure, you\u2019ll want to vent about how rubbish your soon-to-be-ex is, or how badly they\u2019ve behaved. Just don\u2019t do it in front of the children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> One of the most common reactions children have to the news that their parents are separating is to feel rejected. Or that it\u2019s somehow their fault.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Make sure you reassure your children that nothing has changed in terms of how you feel about them. Tell them that they are still very much loved by both parents. Explain that the divorce is simply about the two of you \u2013 that you are no longer happy living together. But that you both still love them and will both still see them. And it is absolutely not their fault that you are getting divorced or their responsibility to make things better.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Teenagers in particular are likely to have complex feelings about divorce, and their role in the family as it changes. The Voices is the Middle project<\/span><\/a> is an excellent resource for both 13-19 year olds and their parents.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> We\u2019ve looked at some of the common questions children ask. But we all know that children come up with all sorts of weird and wonderful thoughts. So it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll get some left field questions too. Answer these as honestly as possible. If you don\u2019t have an answer yet, tell them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> You might not know exactly what the arrangements will be for holidays, or next Christmas, for example. So say something like: \u201cWe haven\u2019t finalised all the plans yet but we will make sure we\u2019ll do fun things and you\u2019ll have plenty of time with each of us.\u201d<\/p> It\u2019s likely that plans will evolve as your divorce progresses. Keep your children updated in an age-appropriate way. Don\u2019t try and hide things \u2013 if you are going to appointments, tell them. Your children are more likely to feel reassured if they have a sense that you are taking responsibility, even if you don\u2019t have all the answers.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> No one likes feeling out of control. And divorce brings with it a lot of uncertainty. So try to find ways to allow your children to feel they\u2019re on solid ground. Small things like:<\/p> Can help them feel more grounded.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> But, ultimately, you and your soon-to-be-ex are the parents. You will need to set the terms. Listen to your children\u2019s wishes, of course. And listen to what\u2019s behind them. Often what sounds like anger is actually hurt, or fear. And gently set boundaries over what will and won\u2019t be happening. Children will feel safer knowing their parents are still carrying out their parenting roles, and being responsible for their wellbeing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> We are in the 21st<\/sup><\/span> century, your divorce isn\u2019t a shameful secret. Let people at your children\u2019s school know. It might be that your children\u2019s stress about the divorce shows up at school with clinginess, or bad behaviour, or lower marks in schoolwork. Children can put extra pastoral or mental health support in place if needed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If they go to activities like Beavers or Brownies, and you think it might be useful, let the adults there know. It\u2019s helpful if any adults with pastoral responsibility for your children know what\u2019s going on so they can look out for them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If appropriate, encourage your children to turn to a trusted adult to confide in. This might be a family friend, a special auntie or uncle, or someone from school. It\u2019s important they feel able to be honest, and vulnerable. They may be able to do this more easily with someone who\u2019s not you or your soon-to-be-ex. You may want to seek out family therapists if your children are finding it especially tough.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Finally, don\u2019t forget to seek out help for yourself. Managing your children\u2019s stress is stressful in itself. And the old adage \u2018you can\u2019t pour from an empty cup\u2019 sticks around because it\u2019s true. Get the support you need for yourself \u2013 whether that\u2019s from taking time out, speaking to a therapist or venting with friends.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Not everyone will get it. Some of your friends won\u2019t have children. Some won\u2019t have been divorced. Some will \u2013 but their circumstances will be very different to your own. No-one you know is likely to be in the same place as you right now.<\/p> That\u2019s why I created The Absolute Academy. It\u2019s a community of supportive women who want to make smart decisions about divorce. Yes, it has tonnes of resources about the divorce process. Yes, I\u2019m on hand every single day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> It also has one of the most wonderful, empowering groups of women I\u2019ve ever come across. Worried about how to talk things through with your children? Let the women in the group share how they did it. Come and join us here.<\/span><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/a><\/strong>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1,34,1841,20,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16195","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-children-and-divorce","category-divorce-and-mental-health","category-divorce-coaching","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-37.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4dd","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16195","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16195"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16195\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16200"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16195"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16195"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16195"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Ditch the guilt<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Present a united front, if possible<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>No one is divorcing your children<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Be as honest as you can<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Give them some autonomy \u2013 but be the parent<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Seek help from others<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Join a community of supportive women<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
How to cope with your children\u2019s stress about divorce<\/h1>
Ditch the guilt<\/h2>
Present a united front, if possible<\/h2>
No one is divorcing your children<\/h2>
Be as honest as you can<\/h2>
Give them some autonomy \u2013 but be the parent<\/h2>
Seek help from others<\/h2>
Join a community of supportive women<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>