[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.22″][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.25″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.9.2″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified”]<\/p>\n
You know that divorce is stressful. So you\u2019d hope it would be a time family and friends rally round, helping you get through it all. Sadly, that\u2019s not always the case. Here are five subtle and not-so-subtle ways family and friends add divorce stress, and what you can do about it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Family and friends can often create stress simply by trying to be helpful! Perhaps they\u2019ve been through divorce themselves, or their own close friends have. Perhaps they picked something up on the news or in a magazine. Chances are when they come at you with their unasked-for advice, they\u2019re trying to help.<\/p>\n The trouble is, they\u2019re layering on stress. If your cousin says how she got divorced with a fantastic solicitor and it was the only way she got the financial settlement she wanted, that\u2019s going to leave you stressed. Stressed about what to do if you can\u2019t afford a solicitor, or if you choose the wrong one. Or maybe your neighbour tells you about the time her son got divorced and it only took two months. You get the picture.<\/p>\n Once the news is out that you\u2019re getting divorced, you become public property. Your friends and family want to help. They want to share their stories. But there are a few problems with this:<\/p>\n So, what can you do about it? Remember that they are trying to help. Most offers of advice or suggestions for what to do can be handled with a simple \u201cThanks, I\u2019ll look into that\u201d, or \u201cOh, great, I\u2019ll run that past my divorce coach.\u201d You don\u2019t owe friends and family any more than that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But what if they persist?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n It would be wonderful if we surrounded ourselves with people who always wanted the best for us, and wanted to empower us to make our own decisions. Sadly, big life events such as divorce can bring out the worst in people, and not just the two main parties.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Maybe they blame you for divorce. Or maybe they\u2019re indignant you\u2019re not following their advice. Whatever it is, sometimes your loved ones aren\u2019t as loving as they should be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n This might show up in little digs or outright insults:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not surprised he left you if you act like that\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Or it might be more passive-aggressive:<\/p>\n \u201cOf course, we\u2019d never get divorced.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Or they might criticise how you\u2019re coping once separated:<\/p>\n \u201cYou need to get your act together for the sake of the children.\u201d<\/p>\n Whatever it is, you\u2019ll know by how you feel when the put-downs happen. No, you\u2019re not being oversensitive. You can trust your gut on this one. If it feels like a dig, it probably is. Whether it was consciously done or not. And you do not need it in your life.<\/p>\n So what can you do if family and friends are bringing you down? It will depend on your relationship with them. For some, you might feel able to be completely honest and say something like,\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWhen you say this wouldn\u2019t happen to you, that feels like a criticism of me. It\u2019s not something I need right now, so please can you stop?\u201d<\/p>\n For others you might want to remain in contact but make divorce an off-limits conversation. Stick to walking about the weather or holiday plans for a while. This might be a reasonable tactic with elderly aunties, for example.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n For others, this might be a time to exit the friendship. At least for a while. You don\u2019t need to announce it if you don\u2019t want to. Just make yourself unavailable to them. And consciously head towards the people you know will offer you unconditional love and support.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Many of my clients put off telling relatives about their divorce because they know it will add emotional stress. Their parents will be distraught. Or their brother will worry. Whatever it is, emotional centring of them adds a burden on you.<\/p>\n It\u2019s acceptable in dependent children, of course. Children are likely to feel anxious about the future and may blame themselves for your marriage ending. You can read more about how to support their stress here..\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But it\u2019s not ok for adults to make your feel bad about your own divorce. Of course, they will have their own sadness and their own feelings about it. They might be terribly worried about you. But they need to show that as support, rather than as anxiety. They need to turn to others for their own support needs. You do not need another care-taking role right now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We can never control what other people do, only our own responses. So how can you handle it if your family members or friends make your divorce about them?<\/p>\n Distance. You need to put some distance between you and them. At least for now. It may be that you reduce contact for a while. Or it may be that you can rely on them for certain things \u2013 childcare, for example \u2013 but keep conversations brief and off-topic. However you handle it, know that you are not being selfish in taking on other people\u2019s worries at the moment. You have nothing to feel bad about.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Turn to the people who can support you wholeheartedly, for who you are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Maybe you\u2019ve got family and friends who back you to the hilt. They\u2019re with you all the way. No sneaky putdowns. No \u2018woe is me\u2019. Great, right? Well, hopefully. But you may find their outrage at your ex spills over.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The best-case scenario for any divorce is that it\u2019s amicable. Low conflict. No power plays, just a mutual agreement that the marriage has reached the end of its life and it\u2019s best for all concerned if you move on. This sort of divorce requires open, honest communication, it requires cool civility.<\/p>\n What it does not need is your well-meaning family and friends sending nasty texts. Or bawling your soon-to-be-ex out in the supermarket. Or spreading rumours about their behaviour.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If any sign of this happens, tackle it as soon as possible. Tell your family and friends that while you appreciate their support you do not need this sort of help. In fact, it\u2019s counterproductive. Let them know that if they can\u2019t be civil around your soon-to-be-ex they need to back off. You are the CEO of your own divorce<\/a> and you need to set the tone with this. It\u2019s absolutely fine to rant and vent in private. But in public, and in all divorce matters, you want to be as cool as a cucumber.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Finally, let\u2019s explore what happens when your friends disappear once you announce your divorce. Sometimes it can be for the straightforward reason that they\u2019ve picked a side. And it\u2019s not you. This isn\u2019t nice to hear, but at least you know where you stand. You know who you\u2019ve got on your team.<\/p>\n Quite often, though, instead of this \u201cI\u2019m with them, not you\u201d, women lose friends more subtly. They simply drop away. Invitations dry up. They don\u2019t reply to messages or answer their phone. They talk to someone else at the school gates. This can happen slowly, but suddenly realise you\u2019ve not spoken in months.<\/p>\n Why does this happen? There are usually a few unconscious psychological processes going on. For some, it might be that they can\u2019t handle the reality of your divorce. It\u2019s a difficult thing, they don\u2019t like difficult things, so they cut you out. It\u2019s not really about you, it\u2019s about them avoiding a part of life they don\u2019t like.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n For others, it might be that you\u2019re now seen as a threat. Either that they\u2019re worried you\u2019re out to get their own husband\/wife, or that somehow your divorce is contagious. And by being around you they might catch it. Often, the people who behave like this have insecurities about their own marriage. Otherwise, why feel threatened?<\/p>\n Or it might be that you simply no longer fit neatly into the social roles you played before. Perhaps, for example, you went out to dinner with two other couples. And now you\u2019ve separated the dynamic is awkward and the invitations stop.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Whatever it is, know that your elf worth does not depend on them. The great thing about difficult life situations, however painful, is they show people\u2019s true colours. They show you who your friends really are. And those people are like gold dust. Cherish them.<\/p>\n Do you want to avoid all these stresses in your divorce? Do you wish you could have someone to discuss things with, minus the drama? Someone who knows divorce inside out, and who has the coaching experience to help you on your own journey? I can be that person for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I offer 1-1 support on either an ad hoc or regular basis. Helping my clients see the woods for the trees so they can decide their next steps. I call them out when they\u2019re holding themselves back. I tell them the truth. And I offer the legal insight that saves both emotional stress and hefty solicitor\u2019s fees.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I can do that for you too. If you\u2019re curious about how I can help, book in a free 30-minute consultation today<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/a><\/strong>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Five ways friends and family members add divorce stress You know that divorce is stressful. So you\u2019d hope it would be a time family and friends rally round, helping you get through it all. Sadly, that\u2019s not always the case. Here are five subtle and not-so-subtle ways family and friends add divorce stress, and what […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16198,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" You know that divorce is stressful. So you\u2019d hope it would be a time family and friends rally round, helping you get through it all. Sadly, that\u2019s not always the case. Here are five subtle and not-so-subtle ways family and friends add divorce stress, and what you can do about it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Family and friends can often create stress simply by trying to be helpful! Perhaps they\u2019ve been through divorce themselves, or their own close friends have. Perhaps they picked something up on the news or in a magazine. Chances are when they come at you with their unasked-for advice, they\u2019re trying to help.<\/p> The trouble is, they\u2019re layering on stress. If your cousin says how she got divorced with a fantastic solicitor and it was the only way she got the financial settlement she wanted, that\u2019s going to leave you stressed. Stressed about what to do if you can\u2019t afford a solicitor, or if you choose the wrong one. Or maybe your neighbour tells you about the time her son got divorced and it only took two months. You get the picture.<\/p> Once the news is out that you\u2019re getting divorced, you become public property. Your friends and family want to help. They want to share their stories. But there are a few problems with this:<\/p> So, what can you do about it? Remember that they are trying to help. Most offers of advice or suggestions for what to do can be handled with a simple \u201cThanks, I\u2019ll look into that\u201d, or \u201cOh, great, I\u2019ll run that past my divorce coach.\u201d You don\u2019t owe friends and family any more than that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> But what if they persist?\u00a0<\/span><\/p> It would be wonderful if we surrounded ourselves with people who always wanted the best for us, and wanted to empower us to make our own decisions. Sadly, big life events such as divorce can bring out the worst in people, and not just the two main parties.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Maybe they blame you for divorce. Or maybe they\u2019re indignant you\u2019re not following their advice. Whatever it is, sometimes your loved ones aren\u2019t as loving as they should be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> This might show up in little digs or outright insults:\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u201cI\u2019m not surprised he left you if you act like that\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Or it might be more passive-aggressive:<\/p> \u201cOf course, we\u2019d never get divorced.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Or they might criticise how you\u2019re coping once separated:<\/p> \u201cYou need to get your act together for the sake of the children.\u201d<\/p> Whatever it is, you\u2019ll know by how you feel when the put-downs happen. No, you\u2019re not being oversensitive. You can trust your gut on this one. If it feels like a dig, it probably is. Whether it was consciously done or not. And you do not need it in your life.<\/p> So what can you do if family and friends are bringing you down? It will depend on your relationship with them. For some, you might feel able to be completely honest and say something like,\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u201cWhen you say this wouldn\u2019t happen to you, that feels like a criticism of me. It\u2019s not something I need right now, so please can you stop?\u201d<\/p> For others you might want to remain in contact but make divorce an off-limits conversation. Stick to walking about the weather or holiday plans for a while. This might be a reasonable tactic with elderly aunties, for example.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> For others, this might be a time to exit the friendship. At least for a while. You don\u2019t need to announce it if you don\u2019t want to. Just make yourself unavailable to them. And consciously head towards the people you know will offer you unconditional love and support.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Many of my clients put off telling relatives about their divorce because they know it will add emotional stress. Their parents will be distraught. Or their brother will worry. Whatever it is, emotional centring of them adds a burden on you.<\/p> It\u2019s acceptable in dependent children, of course. Children are likely to feel anxious about the future and may blame themselves for your marriage ending. You can read more about how to support their stress here..\u00a0<\/span><\/p> But it\u2019s not ok for adults to make your feel bad about your own divorce. Of course, they will have their own sadness and their own feelings about it. They might be terribly worried about you. But they need to show that as support, rather than as anxiety. They need to turn to others for their own support needs. You do not need another care-taking role right now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> We can never control what other people do, only our own responses. So how can you handle it if your family members or friends make your divorce about them?<\/p> Distance. You need to put some distance between you and them. At least for now. It may be that you reduce contact for a while. Or it may be that you can rely on them for certain things \u2013 childcare, for example \u2013 but keep conversations brief and off-topic. However you handle it, know that you are not being selfish in taking on other people\u2019s worries at the moment. You have nothing to feel bad about.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Turn to the people who can support you wholeheartedly, for who you are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Maybe you\u2019ve got family and friends who back you to the hilt. They\u2019re with you all the way. No sneaky putdowns. No \u2018woe is me\u2019. Great, right? Well, hopefully. But you may find their outrage at your ex spills over.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> The best-case scenario for any divorce is that it\u2019s amicable. Low conflict. No power plays, just a mutual agreement that the marriage has reached the end of its life and it\u2019s best for all concerned if you move on. This sort of divorce requires open, honest communication, it requires cool civility.<\/p> What it does not need is your well-meaning family and friends sending nasty texts. Or bawling your soon-to-be-ex out in the supermarket. Or spreading rumours about their behaviour.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If any sign of this happens, tackle it as soon as possible. Tell your family and friends that while you appreciate their support you do not need this sort of help. In fact, it\u2019s counterproductive. Let them know that if they can\u2019t be civil around your soon-to-be-ex they need to back off. You are the CEO of your own divorce<\/a> and you need to set the tone with this. It\u2019s absolutely fine to rant and vent in private. But in public, and in all divorce matters, you want to be as cool as a cucumber.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Finally, let\u2019s explore what happens when your friends disappear once you announce your divorce. Sometimes it can be for the straightforward reason that they\u2019ve picked a side. And it\u2019s not you. This isn\u2019t nice to hear, but at least you know where you stand. You know who you\u2019ve got on your team.<\/p> Quite often, though, instead of this \u201cI\u2019m with them, not you\u201d, women lose friends more subtly. They simply drop away. Invitations dry up. They don\u2019t reply to messages or answer their phone. They talk to someone else at the school gates. This can happen slowly, but suddenly realise you\u2019ve not spoken in months.<\/p> Why does this happen? There are usually a few unconscious psychological processes going on. For some, it might be that they can\u2019t handle the reality of your divorce. It\u2019s a difficult thing, they don\u2019t like difficult things, so they cut you out. It\u2019s not really about you, it\u2019s about them avoiding a part of life they don\u2019t like.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> For others, it might be that you\u2019re now seen as a threat. Either that they\u2019re worried you\u2019re out to get their own husband\/wife, or that somehow your divorce is contagious. And by being around you they might catch it. Often, the people who behave like this have insecurities about their own marriage. Otherwise, why feel threatened?<\/p> Or it might be that you simply no longer fit neatly into the social roles you played before. Perhaps, for example, you went out to dinner with two other couples. And now you\u2019ve separated the dynamic is awkward and the invitations stop.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Whatever it is, know that your elf worth does not depend on them. The great thing about difficult life situations, however painful, is they show people\u2019s true colours. They show you who your friends really are. And those people are like gold dust. Cherish them.<\/p> Do you want to avoid all these stresses in your divorce? Do you wish you could have someone to discuss things with, minus the drama? Someone who knows divorce inside out, and who has the coaching experience to help you on your own journey? I can be that person for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> I offer 1-1 support on either an ad hoc or regular basis. Helping my clients see the woods for the trees so they can decide their next steps. I call them out when they\u2019re holding themselves back. I tell them the truth. And I offer the legal insight that saves both emotional stress and hefty solicitor\u2019s fees.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> I can do that for you too. If you\u2019re curious about how I can help, book in a free 30-minute consultation today<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/strong><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/a><\/strong>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/strong><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1841],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16197","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-mental-health"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/03\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-35.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4df","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16197","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16197"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16197\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16198"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16197"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16197"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16197"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>1. They give you bad advice<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>2. They put you down<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>3. They centre themselves<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>4. They cause trouble with your soon-to-be-ex<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>5. They abandon you<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>A confidential, impartial ear<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Five ways friends and family members add divorce stress<\/h1>
1. They give you bad advice<\/h2>
2. They put you down<\/h2>
3. They centre themselves<\/h2>
4. They cause trouble with your soon-to-be-ex<\/h2>
5. They abandon you<\/h2>
A confidential, impartial ear<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>