{"id":16255,"date":"2021-06-27T10:11:26","date_gmt":"2021-06-27T09:11:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=16255"},"modified":"2021-07-01T20:15:52","modified_gmt":"2021-07-01T19:15:52","slug":"how-to-communicate-with-your-narcissist-ex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-communicate-with-your-narcissist-ex\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Communicate With Your Narcissist Ex\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"how_to_communicate_with_your_narcissist_ex\"><\/span>How To Communicate With Your Narcissist Ex<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\">If you\u2019ve been married to a narcissist, or other high conflict personality type, deciding to leave can feel like an enormous weight lifted. And it\u2019s a huge step, one you should be proud of. But you don\u2019t need me to tell you that it\u2019s not all over yet.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">You will still have to be in touch with your soon-to-be-ex throughout the divorce process. And if you have children you\u2019ll need to manage your relationship as divorcees into the long term as well. So here\u2019s everything you need to know about how to communicate with your Narcissist Ex.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"what_are_narcissistic_traits\"><\/span>What are narcissistic traits?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\">First of all, I don\u2019t want you to get hung up on psychological diagnoses. Only around 1% of the population in the UK is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Yet many more people than that regularly display the characteristics of a narcissistic personality type. The important thing right now is the impact it has on you, your life, and your divorce.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"common_narcissistic_traits\"><\/span>Common narcissistic traits:<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n<ul class=\"ul1\">\n<li class=\"li1\">Control: narcissists can\u2019t cope with things not going their way. You\u2019ll find all manner of blame and threats thrown at you to ensure you do as they want. Over time you\u2019ll start to lose the ability to make decisions as your narcissistic spouse grinds you down.<\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\">Isolating you from others: narcissists often demand your attention all for themselves. They\u2019ll sabotage your attempts to keep up with friends and family. But here\u2019s the catch \u2013 in public they can be charm itself. So everyone thinks you\u2019ve got the perfect match when you\u2019re soul-witheringly lonely.<\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\">Manipulation: if you argue with a narcissist you\u2019ll never win. They\u2019ll manipulate your words, make themselves out as the victim, and have you doubting what you said last week, or even ten minutes ago. And you know there\u2019ll be consequences if you don\u2019t do what they want.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\">Competitiveness: narcissists see the world as something to be conquered. A place inhabited by winners and losers \u2013 and of course, they are winners. They\u2019ll stand on anyone to ensure that\u2019s the case.<\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\">Gaslighting: They never said that. You never said that. You\u2019re just being paranoid. If you feel like reality is slipping away it\u2019s because they\u2019re gaslighting you.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"li1\">Lack of empathy: Ask a narcissist how they think someone else is feeling and they\u2019ll either not care or just not be able to tell you. Other people\u2019s feelings or life situations just don\u2019t figure in their reality. It\u2019s all about them.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\">If you\u2019re not sure whether you\u2019re married to a narcissist or not, you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/are-you-living-with-a-high-conflict-person\/\"><span class=\"s2\">read more about it here<\/span><\/a>.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"when_you_decide_to_leave\"><\/span>When you decide to leave<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\">If you made the decision to leave, you\u2019ve made a brave and important move. And you can expect narcissistic behaviours to skyrocket. Be prepared. If you\u2019ve not told your narcissist spouse yet, take some time to get ready first.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Get as much paperwork (digital as well as paper) together as possible, in case they try to obstruct you. Let close friends and family know because it\u2019s highly likely your soon-to-be-ex will have their own spin machine going very soon. Decide who your trusted circle will be and let them know you\u2019ll be turning to them if things get rocky.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Tell your spouse as calmly and clearly as possible. Don\u2019t leave space for negotiation \u2013 they\u2019ll force it anyway, but close it down as quickly as possible. You aren\u2019t opening a discussion. You are stating a fact. Your marriage is over. At this point don\u2019t get into the blame game. Keep it simple.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Narcissists are famous for being erratic, and for putting on the ritz when they want to. Many women found themselves wooed with all sorts of extravagant attention while they were dating, and as soon as they married it all fell away. The narcissist had what they wanted and the show was over. Now you&#8217;ve said you\u2019re going maybe your narcissist will respond with extravagant love bombing again. Don\u2019t be fooled. Have an exit strategy and stick to it.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Maybe your narcissist will respond in fury. After all, they\u2019re not getting what they want \u2013 which is you under their control. Again, it\u2019s important to be prepared. Have a place and people you can turn to.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"keep_communication_cool\"><\/span>Keep communication cool<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\">As we\u2019ve seen, narcissists are masters at manipulation. This is why the strategies to keep divorce as amicable as possible simply won\u2019t work, and could result in you getting very hurt \u2013 financially or otherwise. A collaborative approach using mediation is a great idea for standard divorce. It usually keeps both the costs and the emotional heat down.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">But with a narcissist, mediation and collaboration leave you wide open to manipulation. And not just you. Many legal professionals aren\u2019t trained in dealing with high conflict personality types so won\u2019t be able to represent you in the way you need. Make sure to ask about high conflict experience when you seek out legal support.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">So if collaboration won\u2019t work, what do you need to do? You need to set clear and firm boundaries. And you need to stick to them. What does that look like?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"what_does_%e2%80%98setting_boundaries_mean\"><\/span>What does \u2018setting boundaries\u2019 mean?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\">It means keeping things in writing.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">It means sticking to the times and deadlines you\u2019ve agreed, and firmly letting your soon-to-be-ex know they need to as well. You may need your legal team and the court to enforce your boundaries if needed.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">It means keeping communication short and to the point. No niceties. No extra information. Certainly, no responding to insults or baiting.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">It means staying in your own lane. Your narcissist ex might be engaged in a full-throttle smear campaign against you. Your job is to focus on you. Have the people around you who matter. Don\u2019t engage in power plays \u2013 that fuels the narcissist\u2019s fire.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Some people find <a href=\"https:\/\/www.healthline.com\/health\/grey-rock#keep-in-touch-with-yourself\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s2\">the \u2018grey rock\u2019<\/span><\/a> analogy useful. Make yourself uninteresting to your soon-to-be-ex. Give them nothing to play with so they get bored. They thrive on drama so reduce the amount of drama they can squeeze out of you.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"call_in_the_support_you_need\"><\/span>Call in the support you need<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\">Divorcing a narcissist is not a time to go it alone. It\u2019s a time to get the support of two types of people:<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">1. Specialists in high conflict divorces and<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">2. People who you trust implicitly.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">If you find people who are in both camps (like me!), all the better.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">I am the only UK Divorce Coach trained in high conflict resolution. I know the strategies that will work and the ones that will leave you open to abuse. With my help you get a plan in place for divorcing and communicating with your narcissistic ex.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Whether you need a plan for how to break the news, how to proceed with the divorce so it\u2019s as smooth as possible, or how to maintain cool communication in the long term, we can work on it together.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">I offer personalised strategy sessions so you can navigate divorce with a specialist at your side, whether its\u2019 for a one-off planning session or over a series of months. Just <a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span class=\"s2\">book in a chat<\/span><\/a> to see how I can best help you.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\"><b>Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/gb\/podcast\/the-six-minute-divorce-podcast-with-emma-heptonstall\/id1547792197\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How To Communicate With Your Narcissist Ex\u00a0 If you\u2019ve been married to a narcissist, or other high conflict personality type, deciding to leave can feel like an enormous weight lifted. And it\u2019s a huge step, one you should be proud of. But you don\u2019t need me to tell you that it\u2019s not all over yet.\u00a0 [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16256,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[582],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16255","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-high-conflict-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-47.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4eb","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16255","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16255"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16255\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16256"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16255"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16255"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16255"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}