[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.20.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
Supporting your children during divorce is probably your number one priority. For many women, the effect on the children is their number one worry as they consider divorce. And your children may react in a multitude of ways. Some children might be angry or resentful. Others become sad and withdrawn. They may have no strong reaction at all, or feel pleased \u2013 especially if your marriage had become argumentative or confrontational.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Many children will experience all of these emotions at different times. As their parent, it\u2019s up to you to provide a steady ship so they feel secure and loved during a turbulent time in their lives. In How to Support Your Children During Divorce<\/em> we\u2019ll look at strategies to support your children during divorce, and how to ensure you get the support you need for yourself too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Once you have broken the news of your separation to children, watch and listen to them. Listening may take several forms. Some older children might you to sit down and explain everything to them regularly. Others might not know what questions they have straight away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Listening also means taking notice of how they are behaving, not just what they are saying. Your ten year old might tell you they\u2019re fine, but you notice them becoming more withdrawn, or hitting out. Your six year old might have more tantrums. Your teenager might retreat further into their room.<\/p>\n You can\u2019t force children to open up and tell you how they feel, but you can offer opportunities for them to share their feelings.\u00a0 <\/span>Take your child out 1-1 for a date doing something they love. Don\u2019t press them to talk, but create the space for them to do so. Or if you know there are other beloved adults in their life \u2013 an auntie or uncle, or neighbour – let them offload with them.<\/p>\n Once you have a sense of your child\u2019s worried \u2013 whether through observing their behaviour or from something they\u2019ve said \u2013 take time to respond. You might not be able to solve their problem, or do exactly what they want. But if that\u2019s the case you can explain why. And if there are things you can adjust to make it an easier ride for your children, show them that you\u2019re happy to do so. Let them feel seen and heard.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n When a life crisis hits, our sense of safety gets turned upside down. So we need something to hold onto. As a parent you can provide that sense of safety for your children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Be clear on what\u2019s happening as your divorce unfolds, as much as you can. If they are spending their time split between you and their other parent, make sure they know when they are with each of you. Even if they don\u2019t like the changes to their routine, they will appreciate having new ones in place, rather than feeling lost in a sea of chaos.<\/p>\n As far as possible stick to the commitments the children had pre-separation. If they went to football or dance classes, discuss with your soon-to-be-ex how you can keep these going in your new routines. Just as you are not defined by your divorce it\u2019s important for your children to have other outlets in their lives too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n In her bestseller book Untamed<\/i> Glennon Doyle uses the analogy of \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019 to describe how parents can support children through tricky times.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Imagine you\u2019re passengers on a plane, and the plane starts to rock as it experiences turbulence. You and the other passengers might get worried, as this is new and different. So you look to the flight attendants. And the flight attendants don\u2019t panic. They know everything will be fine in the end. They keep smiling and keep \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019.\u00a0 <\/span>Their calm and consistency soothes the passengers until the turbulence passes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n You are the flight attendant in this scenario. It\u2019s fine for your children to see you be human and get upset from time to time. You don\u2019t have to worry about being vulnerable. But they will also want to see you carry on, and keep the show on the road. You\u2019ll show them that while times are tricky right now, you will all get through it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s to be expected that your children will act out, or at least act differently. They may be angrier than usually, or lash out physically. Here\u2019s where you need to be strong in your boundaries. Explain to your children that they are always allowed to feel any feeling: sadness, crossness, hurt, worry.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But it is not okay for them to let those feelings spill out in ways that hurt others. It\u2019s not acceptable for them to take their frustrations out of their siblings, for example. And, while you\u2019re likely to cut them some slack as their parent, they can\u2019t keep treating you badly either.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If your children are saying or doing hurtful things, maybe saying they hate you, or that you\u2019re ruining their lives, take a deep breath. It will sting to hear those things. But remember it\u2019s their immature way of processing their painful feelings. They don\u2019t really hate you. They are scared and angry about what\u2019s happening in their lives at the moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The fact they trust you enough to be horrible to you is a sort of compliment! But it doesn\u2019t mean you have to put up with bad behaviour. Let your children know what they are doing is not right, and you will remove them or yourself from a situation if it keeps happening. You can say to your child:<\/p>\n \u201cI know you\u2019re angry right now but we can\u2019t talk while you\u2019re shouting and throwing things like this. I\u2019m going to sit outside your door and wait until you\u2019re ready to talk. I\u2019ll be here for you.\u201d<\/p>\n Supporting your children during divorce may mean getting outside help. If you\u2019re worried about your child\u2019s behaviour or their mental health, don\u2019t be afraid to get support. There are a number of organisations who can provide specialist advice on supporting your children through divorce. You can find a list of them on the Gingerbread website here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Do tell school and any other childcare providers who regularly look after your children about the divorce. It will mean they are better equipped to work with any emotions as they arise, and they can work with you to provide stability and care for your child.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Supporting your children during divorce starts with you. It\u2019s hard to keep \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019 when you\u2019re going through the emotional and legal stresses of divorce. You have your own needs to meet while you are taking care of your children. So now, more than ever, ask for support.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Turn to trusted friends and family and let them know you need them. If people offer help \u2013 accept it. Whether it\u2019s offer of food, childcare, time to offload, or time away to take your mind off things. If your work offer you flexibility, take it.\u00a0 <\/span>You don\u2019t need to feel shame or embarrassment about accepting help during one of the most stressful periods of your life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n And if you want one place where you know you\u2019ll get the emotional support, legal information and sense of community you need to see you through \u2013 you need to be in The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The members of The Absolute Academy absolutely have your back. Whether it\u2019s concerns about the children, rage about your ex-spouse\u2019s behaviour, confusion about the latest solicitor letter \u2013 we\u2019ve seen it all in there.<\/p>\n You get a weekly Q&A with me, so whatever\u2019s coming up for you from one week to the next, you have somewhere to turn. And you also have the collective wisdom and experience of the ladies in there. Every single one of them determined to empower themselves and each other as they divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Come and join us today<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" How To Support Your Children During Divorce Supporting your children during divorce is probably your number one priority. For many women, the effect on the children is their number one worry as they consider divorce. And your children may react in a multitude of ways. Some children might be angry or resentful. Others become sad […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16268,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" Supporting your children during divorce is probably your number one priority. For many women, the effect on the children is their number one worry as they consider divorce. And your children may react in a multitude of ways. Some children might be angry or resentful. Others become sad and withdrawn. They may have no strong reaction at all, or feel pleased \u2013 especially if your marriage had become argumentative or confrontational.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Many children will experience all of these emotions at different times. As their parent, it\u2019s up to you to provide a steady ship so they feel secure and loved during a turbulent time in their lives. In How to Support Your Children During Divorce<\/em> we\u2019ll look at strategies to support your children during divorce, and how to ensure you get the support you need for yourself too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Once you have broken the news of your separation to children, watch and listen to them. Listening may take several forms. Some older children might you to sit down and explain everything to them regularly. Others might not know what questions they have straight away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Listening also means taking notice of how they are behaving, not just what they are saying. Your ten year old might tell you they\u2019re fine, but you notice them becoming more withdrawn, or hitting out. Your six year old might have more tantrums. Your teenager might retreat further into their room.<\/p> You can\u2019t force children to open up and tell you how they feel, but you can offer opportunities for them to share their feelings.\u00a0 <\/span>Take your child out 1-1 for a date doing something they love. Don\u2019t press them to talk, but create the space for them to do so. Or if you know there are other beloved adults in their life \u2013 an auntie or uncle, or neighbour - let them offload with them.<\/p> Once you have a sense of your child\u2019s worried \u2013 whether through observing their behaviour or from something they\u2019ve said \u2013 take time to respond. You might not be able to solve their problem, or do exactly what they want. But if that\u2019s the case you can explain why. And if there are things you can adjust to make it an easier ride for your children, show them that you\u2019re happy to do so. Let them feel seen and heard.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> When a life crisis hits, our sense of safety gets turned upside down. So we need something to hold onto. As a parent you can provide that sense of safety for your children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Be clear on what\u2019s happening as your divorce unfolds, as much as you can. If they are spending their time split between you and their other parent, make sure they know when they are with each of you. Even if they don\u2019t like the changes to their routine, they will appreciate having new ones in place, rather than feeling lost in a sea of chaos.<\/p> As far as possible stick to the commitments the children had pre-separation. If they went to football or dance classes, discuss with your soon-to-be-ex how you can keep these going in your new routines. Just as you are not defined by your divorce it\u2019s important for your children to have other outlets in their lives too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> In her bestseller book Untamed<\/i> Glennon Doyle uses the analogy of \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019 to describe how parents can support children through tricky times.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Imagine you\u2019re passengers on a plane, and the plane starts to rock as it experiences turbulence. You and the other passengers might get worried, as this is new and different. So you look to the flight attendants. And the flight attendants don\u2019t panic. They know everything will be fine in the end. They keep smiling and keep \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019.\u00a0 <\/span>Their calm and consistency soothes the passengers until the turbulence passes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> You are the flight attendant in this scenario. It\u2019s fine for your children to see you be human and get upset from time to time. You don\u2019t have to worry about being vulnerable. But they will also want to see you carry on, and keep the show on the road. You\u2019ll show them that while times are tricky right now, you will all get through it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> It\u2019s to be expected that your children will act out, or at least act differently. They may be angrier than usually, or lash out physically. Here\u2019s where you need to be strong in your boundaries. Explain to your children that they are always allowed to feel any feeling: sadness, crossness, hurt, worry.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> But it is not okay for them to let those feelings spill out in ways that hurt others. It\u2019s not acceptable for them to take their frustrations out of their siblings, for example. And, while you\u2019re likely to cut them some slack as their parent, they can\u2019t keep treating you badly either.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> If your children are saying or doing hurtful things, maybe saying they hate you, or that you\u2019re ruining their lives, take a deep breath. It will sting to hear those things. But remember it\u2019s their immature way of processing their painful feelings. They don\u2019t really hate you. They are scared and angry about what\u2019s happening in their lives at the moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> The fact they trust you enough to be horrible to you is a sort of compliment! But it doesn\u2019t mean you have to put up with bad behaviour. Let your children know what they are doing is not right, and you will remove them or yourself from a situation if it keeps happening. You can say to your child:<\/p> \u201cI know you\u2019re angry right now but we can\u2019t talk while you\u2019re shouting and throwing things like this. I\u2019m going to sit outside your door and wait until you\u2019re ready to talk. I\u2019ll be here for you.\u201d<\/p> Supporting your children during divorce may mean getting outside help. If you\u2019re worried about your child\u2019s behaviour or their mental health, don\u2019t be afraid to get support. There are a number of organisations who can provide specialist advice on supporting your children through divorce. You can find a list of them on the Gingerbread website here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Do tell school and any other childcare providers who regularly look after your children about the divorce. It will mean they are better equipped to work with any emotions as they arise, and they can work with you to provide stability and care for your child.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Supporting your children during divorce starts with you. It\u2019s hard to keep \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019 when you\u2019re going through the emotional and legal stresses of divorce. You have your own needs to meet while you are taking care of your children. So now, more than ever, ask for support.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Turn to trusted friends and family and let them know you need them. If people offer help \u2013 accept it. Whether it\u2019s offer of food, childcare, time to offload, or time away to take your mind off things. If your work offer you flexibility, take it.\u00a0 <\/span>You don\u2019t need to feel shame or embarrassment about accepting help during one of the most stressful periods of your life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> And if you want one place where you know you\u2019ll get the emotional support, legal information and sense of community you need to see you through \u2013 you need to be in The Absolute Academy<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> The members of The Absolute Academy absolutely have your back. Whether it\u2019s concerns about the children, rage about your ex-spouse\u2019s behaviour, confusion about the latest solicitor letter \u2013 we\u2019ve seen it all in there.<\/p> You get a weekly Q&A with me, so whatever\u2019s coming up for you from one week to the next, you have somewhere to turn. And you also have the collective wisdom and experience of the ladies in there. Every single one of them determined to empower themselves and each other as they divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Come and join us today<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[34,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16263","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-and-divorce","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/Copy-of-Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-9.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4ej","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16263","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16263"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16263\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16268"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16263"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16263"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16263"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Make time to listen<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Establish clear routines<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Keep \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>All feelings are valid \u2013 all behaviours are not<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Seek external help if needed<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Get the support you need<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
How To Support Your Children During Divorce<\/h1>
Make time to listen<\/h2>
Establish clear routines<\/h2>
Keep \u2018serving the peanuts\u2019<\/h2>
All feelings are valid \u2013 all behaviours are not<\/h2>
Seek external help if needed<\/h2>
Get the support you need<\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>