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For my clients who are parents, there\u2019s usually one big fear at the top of their list of questions about divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cAm I ruining my child\u2019s life?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And my answer to that question is a firm no.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Yes, divorce is stressful for children, as it is for you. It\u2019s a major upheaval to their home, their routines, their family structure. It can raise a lot of strong feelings. But it doesn\u2019t have to have a negative impact in the long term. If handled sensitively your divorce is a way to model to your children that it\u2019s possible to come through difficult situations and feel stronger as a result.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n In <\/span>Divorcing?You\u2019re not ruining your children\u2019s lives! <\/em>we\u2019ll look at what you can put in place to support your children as you divorce. And why, whatever happens, your divorce is not ruining their lives.\u00a0 read more here How to support your children through divorce<\/em><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s hard to see your children in pain. But, there\u2019s no getting around the fact that, for most children, divorce is an upsetting time. So it\u2019s likely they will be sad, angry, withdrawn, confused and a whole host of related feelings at some point.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n As parents your urge will be to fix it. And, unfortunately, you can\u2019t. While you may be able to put treats and fun experiences in place, those difficult feelings will return. And, though it\u2019s hard to witness, it\u2019s normal. You can\u2019t magic those feelings away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If your children get the message that the way they are feeling is wrong, or upsetting for you, they may try to hide their emotions to protect you. Which, ultimately, is more damaging for them. So the best way you can help your children is to normalise the difficult feelings. To show and tell them that it\u2019s ok to feel worried, or scared, or sad or angry. That you feel those feelings yourself sometimes. But they don\u2019t control you. They come and go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And you can also tell them it won\u2019t feel like this forever. Your job now – both you and your children – is to let yourself feel this sadness and know that you will ride it together. Let them know that they are loved, no matter what. They don\u2019t have to be happy all the time to earn your love. That said, you don\u2019t have to put up with aggressive behaviour. Your children aren\u2019t allowed to hurt you, or each other, or anyone else – with words or physically.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Some children won\u2019t want to discuss your divorce with you. While that might feel hurtful, be reassured that it\u2019s a normal reaction. If possible, encourage them to confide in a trusted adult friend or family member.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n There\u2019s also safe support out there if there\u2019s no-one in your immediate circle they can turn to. If they are able to read, Gingerbread, the charity for single parents, has <\/span>information written especially for children<\/span><\/a>. You can use this as a basis for talking to your own children too. And <\/span>Childline<\/span><\/a> isn\u2019t just for children in danger – they can call to talk through any of their worries and feelings about divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n There\u2019s no getting away from the difficult feelings, but that doesn\u2019t mean divorce is ruining your children\u2019s lives – even if they tell you it is. Your job as parents (ideally working together –\u00a0 more on what to do if that\u2019s not possible later) is to support your children through this turbulent time.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here are some grounding principles to help your children adjust as smoothly as possible:<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Over time you will all adjust to your new normal. And your children\u2019s feelings of grief for what was will be replaced by acceptance of what is. They may even see some benefits to the new arrangements. Two Christmases might be on the cards, for example!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And, on a more serious note, the children will benefit from not living in the middle of an unhealthy marriage. Children aren\u2019t daft. They can sense when things aren\u2019t happy. As you settle into your newly separated\/divorced groove, the children will see you being more yourself again. And that will bring them happiness and confidence to be themselves too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n It\u2019s all very well if both parents are being reasonable, but what if your soon-to-be-ex doesn\u2019t play fair? What if they are narcissistic and want to engage in power plays? If this is the case with you, sadly you\u2019re not alone. Many of my clients have the added burden of having to deal with a high conflict ex-spouse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n First of all I want to remind you that you\u2019re doing a great job. Rest assured that by divorcing your narcissistic spouse you are doing the best by your children, as well as yourself. You are showing them a new approach is possible. Your job now is to stay on track and not get derailed.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Your soon-to-be ex won\u2019t be able to escape the win\/lose mentality. But that doesn\u2019t mean you need to get dragged into it. Your best approach here is the BIFF one, set out by high conflict expert Bill Eddy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Make sure you keep communication with your soon-to-be-ex:<\/span><\/p>\n Brief<\/b> (don\u2019t add in any of the usual niceties – these are just invitations for more controlling behaviour)<\/span><\/p>\n Informative<\/b> (stick to the facts, not judgements about you or them)<\/span><\/p>\n Friendly<\/b> (don\u2019t antagonise – keep things civil and \u2018tepid\u2019 in temperature)<\/span><\/p>\n Firm<\/b> (don\u2019t leave space for ambiguity and set your boundaries out clearly).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n As far as your children go, they have you as their role model. You are enough. Over time they will come to recognise their other parent\u2019s behaviour as wrong, even if they don\u2019t see it now. All you can do is continue to show love, be there for them, and stay strong in your integrity. They will thank you for it in the long run. Let go of the co-parenting philosophy. It really isn’t for everyone. Parallel parenting is often the best approach in these situations. What happens on your parenting time is your business and what happens on theirs is theirs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I\u2019m not going to pretend that parenting during divorce is simple. Especially not if you\u2019re in a high conflict divorce. If you\u2019re worried about your children\u2019s behaviour, for example if they are:<\/span><\/p>\n Then seek help. Talk to their school so they can involve the pastoral team. Make an appointment with the GP to access mental health support. And if you are worried about your ex-spouse\u2019s behaviour around your children<\/span> contact CAFCASS<\/span><\/a> (Children And Family Court Advisory Support Service).<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can\u2019t pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes. So be kind to yourself throughout this difficult time. It can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders as you support your children during your divorce. You need to support yourself too. You will need reminders from others who\u2019ve been there that you\u2019re not ruining your children\u2019s lives by getting divorced. You\u2019ll need people who\u2019ve got your back.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n That\u2019s where The Absolute Academy comes in. The women in there look out for each other. It\u2019s a safe place to let down your guard. To ask \u201cAm I ruining my children\u2019s lives?!\u201d and be lifted by the wisdom and experiences of others who\u2019ve been there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And with weekly Q&As with me as well as a whole raft of downloadable resources and toolkits it\u2019s likely to save you thousands in time and money too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n You can join here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And if you have any questions about whether it\u2019s right for you at the moment, I\u2019m happy to help. <\/span>Book in a free chat today<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Divorcing? You\u2019re Not ruining your children\u2019s lives! For my clients who are parents, there\u2019s usually one big fear at the top of their list of questions about divorce.\u00a0 \u201cAm I ruining my child\u2019s life?\u201d\u00a0 And my answer to that question is a firm no. Yes, divorce is stressful for children, as […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16320,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> For my clients who are parents, there\u2019s usually one big fear at the top of their list of questions about divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u201cAm I ruining my child\u2019s life?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And my answer to that question is a firm no.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Yes, divorce is stressful for children, as it is for you. It\u2019s a major upheaval to their home, their routines, their family structure. It can raise a lot of strong feelings. But it doesn\u2019t have to have a negative impact in the long term. If handled sensitively your divorce is a way to model to your children that it\u2019s possible to come through difficult situations and feel stronger as a result.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> In <\/span>Divorcing?You\u2019re not ruining your children\u2019s lives! <\/em>we\u2019ll look at what you can put in place to support your children as you divorce. And why, whatever happens, your divorce is not ruining their lives.\u00a0 read more here How to support your children through divorce<\/em><\/a><\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It\u2019s hard to see your children in pain. But, there\u2019s no getting around the fact that, for most children, divorce is an upsetting time. So it\u2019s likely they will be sad, angry, withdrawn, confused and a whole host of related feelings at some point.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> As parents your urge will be to fix it. And, unfortunately, you can\u2019t. While you may be able to put treats and fun experiences in place, those difficult feelings will return. And, though it\u2019s hard to witness, it\u2019s normal. You can\u2019t magic those feelings away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If your children get the message that the way they are feeling is wrong, or upsetting for you, they may try to hide their emotions to protect you. Which, ultimately, is more damaging for them. So the best way you can help your children is to normalise the difficult feelings. To show and tell them that it\u2019s ok to feel worried, or scared, or sad or angry. That you feel those feelings yourself sometimes. But they don\u2019t control you. They come and go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And you can also tell them it won\u2019t feel like this forever. Your job now - both you and your children - is to let yourself feel this sadness and know that you will ride it together. Let them know that they are loved, no matter what. They don\u2019t have to be happy all the time to earn your love. That said, you don\u2019t have to put up with aggressive behaviour. Your children aren\u2019t allowed to hurt you, or each other, or anyone else - with words or physically.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Some children won\u2019t want to discuss your divorce with you. While that might feel hurtful, be reassured that it\u2019s a normal reaction. If possible, encourage them to confide in a trusted adult friend or family member.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> There\u2019s also safe support out there if there\u2019s no-one in your immediate circle they can turn to. If they are able to read, Gingerbread, the charity for single parents, has <\/span>information written especially for children<\/span><\/a>. You can use this as a basis for talking to your own children too. And <\/span>Childline<\/span><\/a> isn\u2019t just for children in danger - they can call to talk through any of their worries and feelings about divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> There\u2019s no getting away from the difficult feelings, but that doesn\u2019t mean divorce is ruining your children\u2019s lives - even if they tell you it is. Your job as parents (ideally working together -\u00a0 more on what to do if that\u2019s not possible later) is to support your children through this turbulent time.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Here are some grounding principles to help your children adjust as smoothly as possible:<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Over time you will all adjust to your new normal. And your children\u2019s feelings of grief for what was will be replaced by acceptance of what is. They may even see some benefits to the new arrangements. Two Christmases might be on the cards, for example!\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And, on a more serious note, the children will benefit from not living in the middle of an unhealthy marriage. Children aren\u2019t daft. They can sense when things aren\u2019t happy. As you settle into your newly separated\/divorced groove, the children will see you being more yourself again. And that will bring them happiness and confidence to be themselves too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> It\u2019s all very well if both parents are being reasonable, but what if your soon-to-be-ex doesn\u2019t play fair? What if they are narcissistic and want to engage in power plays? If this is the case with you, sadly you\u2019re not alone. Many of my clients have the added burden of having to deal with a high conflict ex-spouse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> First of all I want to remind you that you\u2019re doing a great job. Rest assured that by divorcing your narcissistic spouse you are doing the best by your children, as well as yourself. You are showing them a new approach is possible. Your job now is to stay on track and not get derailed.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Your soon-to-be ex won\u2019t be able to escape the win\/lose mentality. But that doesn\u2019t mean you need to get dragged into it. Your best approach here is the BIFF one, set out by high conflict expert Bill Eddy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Make sure you keep communication with your soon-to-be-ex:<\/span><\/p> Brief<\/b> (don\u2019t add in any of the usual niceties - these are just invitations for more controlling behaviour)<\/span><\/p> Informative<\/b> (stick to the facts, not judgements about you or them)<\/span><\/p> Friendly<\/b> (don\u2019t antagonise - keep things civil and \u2018tepid\u2019 in temperature)<\/span><\/p> Firm<\/b> (don\u2019t leave space for ambiguity and set your boundaries out clearly).\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> As far as your children go, they have you as their role model. You are enough. Over time they will come to recognise their other parent\u2019s behaviour as wrong, even if they don\u2019t see it now. All you can do is continue to show love, be there for them, and stay strong in your integrity. They will thank you for it in the long run. Let go of the co-parenting philosophy. It really isn't for everyone. Parallel parenting is often the best approach in these situations. What happens on your parenting time is your business and what happens on theirs is theirs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> I\u2019m not going to pretend that parenting during divorce is simple. Especially not if you\u2019re in a high conflict divorce. If you\u2019re worried about your children\u2019s behaviour, for example if they are:<\/span><\/p> Then seek help. Talk to their school so they can involve the pastoral team. Make an appointment with the GP to access mental health support. And if you are worried about your ex-spouse\u2019s behaviour around your children<\/span> contact CAFCASS<\/span><\/a> (Children And Family Court Advisory Support Service).<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You can\u2019t pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes. So be kind to yourself throughout this difficult time. It can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders as you support your children during your divorce. You need to support yourself too. You will need reminders from others who\u2019ve been there that you\u2019re not ruining your children\u2019s lives by getting divorced. You\u2019ll need people who\u2019ve got your back.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> That\u2019s where The Absolute Academy comes in. The women in there look out for each other. It\u2019s a safe place to let down your guard. To ask \u201cAm I ruining my children\u2019s lives?!\u201d and be lifted by the wisdom and experiences of others who\u2019ve been there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And with weekly Q&As with me as well as a whole raft of downloadable resources and toolkits it\u2019s likely to save you thousands in time and money too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p><\/span>Allow the feelings<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Let them talk – even if it\u2019s not to you<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>An adjustment, not a catastrophe<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>If their other parent is behaving badly<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Seek help when needed<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Look after yourself<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Divorcing? You\u2019re Not ruining your children\u2019s lives!<\/h1>
Allow the feelings<\/span><\/h2>
Let them talk - even if it\u2019s not to you<\/span><\/h2>
An adjustment, not a catastrophe<\/span><\/h2>
If their other parent is behaving badly<\/span><\/h2>
Seek help when needed<\/span><\/h2>
Look after yourself<\/span><\/h2>