[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”3.22″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”3.25″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.11.4″ text_font_size=”16px” header_text_align=”justify” header_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ header_2_text_align=”justify” header_2_text_color=”#c984a4″ header_3_text_align=”justify” header_3_text_color=”#c5b2b1″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” text_orientation=”justified” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n
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All divorce is stressful, there\u2019s just no escaping that. But high conflict divorce? That brings the sort of mind games, bullying tactics, and manipulation that can leave your sanity in tatters. The repercussions can last for years. So in Five ways to support yourself in a high conflict divorce<\/em>, we tackle the five absolute must-dos and don\u2019ts to support yourself when you\u2019re in a high conflict divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n The very first step is to acknowledge to yourself that you\u2019re in a high-conflict relationship. The truth is most high conflict or abusive marriages don\u2019t involve you getting physically attacked. They\u2019re much more subtle than that. And people with narcissistic character traits are clever, so you find you\u2019re second-guessing yourself or minimising the impact of their behaviour. But it\u2019s time to recognise what\u2019s going on. So what are the signs of a high conflict relationship? Here are three of the most telling:<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Someone with narcissistic tendencies can\u2019t admit they\u2019re wrong. They don\u2019t make mistakes, or on the rare occasion they begrudgingly admit things went wrong, it certainly wasn\u2019t their fault. Probably, it was yours. But if not yours, someone else\u2019s. They need to be demonstrably better at life than others, and they belittle others to prove they\u2019re on top.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n A high conflict person does not show empathy. They might put on a good performance, in public. They might be very charming. At the start of your relationship they might have showered you with affection and grand gestures. But, it was all smoke and mirrors. Ultimately, they see the world through their lens and they need to ensure the world runs according to their needs. This can show up in big ways (they won\u2019t leave the marital home) or small (they won\u2019t collect the children from dance class because it\u2019s inconvenient to them).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n This one is a huge red flag it\u2019s time to go. Do they resent it if you spend time with friends? Or perhaps you\u2019ve done well at work and they bring you back down to earth with a snide remark? Or perhaps they check your phone, or police your spending? Again, these controlling behaviours can all be done subtly, which is why they can be so hard to call out. It doesn\u2019t have to be as extreme as them taking your bank cards and locking you in the house. Constant questions about where you\u2019ve been or what you\u2019ve been spending, or emotional manipulation to make you feel bad when you\u2019ve spent time with other people are all signs of control too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Remember, you don\u2019t need to have cuts and bruises for there to be conflict. You can read more about <\/span>recognising the signs of a high conflict relationship here<\/span><\/a>. And the number one priority is your safety. If you feel unsafe, get out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you recognise that your relationship is high conflict, it\u2019s absolutely paramount that you get a supportive circle around you. And, sadly, this can be more difficult than it first appears. Remember, narcissistic people can be charming and clever. So to the outside world, it looks as though you\u2019re just being difficult, or selfish for wanting to leave.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If family and friends repeatedly back your ex-spouse and advocate for their needs rather than yours, cut them out. This doesn\u2019t need to be dramatic. You can simply stop giving them your time and attention, and focus on the people who do have your back instead.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n These people might come from your social circle. They might come as professional support. Refuge is a charity that supports victims of domestic violence (with emotional and financial abuse included in that category). They offer a range of <\/span>free and confidential services here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n You may also want to seek support from a therapist, coach and get financial and legal advice. Remember to check whether the people you go to are experienced in working with high conflict situations. High conflict divorce needs a different approach to standard divorce. Make sure that any professionals you work with – especially your legal team – are aware of and experienced in representing victims of high conflict marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n High conflict personality types will do everything they can to control you. Rules of fair play don\u2019t apply. They will gaslight you, they will lie to others, they will do what\u2019s right for them regardless of how it affects you or the children. Unfortunately, there\u2019s little you can do to change this. You may already have spent years making excuses for their behaviour: \u201cThey had a difficult childhood\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s because they need me so much\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Being nice hasn\u2019t changed things though, has it? You may have kept the peace, more or less. But it\u2019s always on their terms. So now it\u2019s time to set your own terms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong, I really am <\/span>not <\/span><\/i>advising you to make a big stand and declare you\u2019re leaving straight away. In fact, with high conflict spouses it\u2019s important you spend some time getting prepared first, if it\u2019s safe to do so.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n But I am inviting you to make an internal mental shift. To focus on your own needs and your own future. And to make plans with those in mind rather than with your spouse\u2019s needs in mind. You won\u2019t have the answers to all your questions straight away. It will feel overwhelming. But work with what you can control and take tiny steps towards your independent future.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Narcissistic personalities thrive on chaos. They want you to be unsettled and upset because it keeps you small and it keeps them powerful. They want you to question yourself. They even want you to get angry\u00a0 – because it\u2019s all ammunition they can use against you. They can become the injured party and spin their own stories.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Don\u2019t play the game. They will try and get a reaction from you. They will try to undermine you. Your job is simply to be doggedly persistent in creating your own future. Standing up to a high conflict personality involves engaging with them as little as possible. They’re beyond the point of seeing sense or changing their ways, so don\u2019t waste your energy. Focus on yourself instead. Be civil. But don\u2019t react to their outbursts. Don\u2019t add fuel to their fire.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n One of the best ways you can support yourself in a high conflict divorce is not to blame yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n So many of my clients blame themselves for being in a high conflict situation. They say things like:<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cI should have never married him\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI should have recognised it sooner, I\u2019m so stupid\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cIf only I\u2019d helped her get therapy when we were dating, maybe she\u2019d be different now\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019ve stayed for so long\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I want you to know, unequivocally, that this is not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else\u2019s behaviour. If they shout at you, or sulk with you, or intimidate you, and then blame you for it, they are carrying out classic narcissistic behaviour. And the fault lies at their door, not yours. If you\u2019ve lived with it for years, of course it\u2019s hard to recognise that your situation isn\u2019t healthy. It\u2019s your normal. There is no shame in being where you are now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n And don\u2019t blame yourself if the road ahead feels overwhelming and hard. Once you\u2019ve recognised you\u2019re in a high conflict relationship it can be easy to think \u201cRight, well I need to get cracking and leave\u201d. But, in reality, you have healing and grieving to do. You are not likely to be 100% on top of your game. So if you don\u2019t spring into action, don\u2019t let that be another reason to feel bad about yourself. Recognising your situation is a huge step. And other steps will follow. Small steps are fine. Focus on your future and you will get there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n I specialise in high conflict separation and divorce. I know that you need a different approach. I know that you need a safe place to process the past and present, and plan for the future. I know that the legal system still has far to go in understanding high conflict – but that there are things you can do to give yourself a voice.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Let me be that safe person for you. You can book in a <\/span>free 30 minute consultation<\/span><\/a> here.<\/span><\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Five ways to support yourself in a high conflict divorce All divorce is stressful, there\u2019s just no escaping that. But high conflict divorce? That brings the sort of mind games, bullying tactics, and manipulation that can leave your sanity in tatters. The repercussions can last for years. So in Five ways to support yourself […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":16380,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":" \u00a0<\/p> All divorce is stressful, there\u2019s just no escaping that. But high conflict divorce? That brings the sort of mind games, bullying tactics, and manipulation that can leave your sanity in tatters. The repercussions can last for years. So in Five ways to support yourself in a high conflict divorce<\/em>, we tackle the five absolute must-dos and don\u2019ts to support yourself when you\u2019re in a high conflict divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> The very first step is to acknowledge to yourself that you\u2019re in a high-conflict relationship. The truth is most high conflict or abusive marriages don\u2019t involve you getting physically attacked. They\u2019re much more subtle than that. And people with narcissistic character traits are clever, so you find you\u2019re second-guessing yourself or minimising the impact of their behaviour. But it\u2019s time to recognise what\u2019s going on. So what are the signs of a high conflict relationship? Here are three of the most telling:<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Someone with narcissistic tendencies can\u2019t admit they\u2019re wrong. They don\u2019t make mistakes, or on the rare occasion they begrudgingly admit things went wrong, it certainly wasn\u2019t their fault. Probably, it was yours. But if not yours, someone else\u2019s. They need to be demonstrably better at life than others, and they belittle others to prove they\u2019re on top.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> A high conflict person does not show empathy. They might put on a good performance, in public. They might be very charming. At the start of your relationship they might have showered you with affection and grand gestures. But, it was all smoke and mirrors. Ultimately, they see the world through their lens and they need to ensure the world runs according to their needs. This can show up in big ways (they won\u2019t leave the marital home) or small (they won\u2019t collect the children from dance class because it\u2019s inconvenient to them).\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> This one is a huge red flag it\u2019s time to go. Do they resent it if you spend time with friends? Or perhaps you\u2019ve done well at work and they bring you back down to earth with a snide remark? Or perhaps they check your phone, or police your spending? Again, these controlling behaviours can all be done subtly, which is why they can be so hard to call out. It doesn\u2019t have to be as extreme as them taking your bank cards and locking you in the house. Constant questions about where you\u2019ve been or what you\u2019ve been spending, or emotional manipulation to make you feel bad when you\u2019ve spent time with other people are all signs of control too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Remember, you don\u2019t need to have cuts and bruises for there to be conflict. You can read more about <\/span>recognising the signs of a high conflict relationship here<\/span><\/a>. And the number one priority is your safety. If you feel unsafe, get out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If you recognise that your relationship is high conflict, it\u2019s absolutely paramount that you get a supportive circle around you. And, sadly, this can be more difficult than it first appears. Remember, narcissistic people can be charming and clever. So to the outside world, it looks as though you\u2019re just being difficult, or selfish for wanting to leave.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> If family and friends repeatedly back your ex-spouse and advocate for their needs rather than yours, cut them out. This doesn\u2019t need to be dramatic. You can simply stop giving them your time and attention, and focus on the people who do have your back instead.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> These people might come from your social circle. They might come as professional support. Refuge is a charity that supports victims of domestic violence (with emotional and financial abuse included in that category). They offer a range of <\/span>free and confidential services here<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> You may also want to seek support from a therapist, coach and get financial and legal advice. Remember to check whether the people you go to are experienced in working with high conflict situations. High conflict divorce needs a different approach to standard divorce. Make sure that any professionals you work with - especially your legal team - are aware of and experienced in representing victims of high conflict marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> High conflict personality types will do everything they can to control you. Rules of fair play don\u2019t apply. They will gaslight you, they will lie to others, they will do what\u2019s right for them regardless of how it affects you or the children. Unfortunately, there\u2019s little you can do to change this. You may already have spent years making excuses for their behaviour: \u201cThey had a difficult childhood\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s because they need me so much\u201d.<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Being nice hasn\u2019t changed things though, has it? You may have kept the peace, more or less. But it\u2019s always on their terms. So now it\u2019s time to set your own terms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Don\u2019t get me wrong, I really am <\/span>not <\/span><\/i>advising you to make a big stand and declare you\u2019re leaving straight away. In fact, with high conflict spouses it\u2019s important you spend some time getting prepared first, if it\u2019s safe to do so.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> But I am inviting you to make an internal mental shift. To focus on your own needs and your own future. And to make plans with those in mind rather than with your spouse\u2019s needs in mind. You won\u2019t have the answers to all your questions straight away. It will feel overwhelming. But work with what you can control and take tiny steps towards your independent future.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Narcissistic personalities thrive on chaos. They want you to be unsettled and upset because it keeps you small and it keeps them powerful. They want you to question yourself. They even want you to get angry\u00a0 - because it\u2019s all ammunition they can use against you. They can become the injured party and spin their own stories.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> Don\u2019t play the game. They will try and get a reaction from you. They will try to undermine you. Your job is simply to be doggedly persistent in creating your own future. Standing up to a high conflict personality involves engaging with them as little as possible. They're beyond the point of seeing sense or changing their ways, so don\u2019t waste your energy. Focus on yourself instead. Be civil. But don\u2019t react to their outbursts. Don\u2019t add fuel to their fire.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> So many of my clients blame themselves for being in a high conflict situation. They say things like:<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> \u201cI should have never married him\u201d<\/span><\/p> \u201cI should have recognised it sooner, I\u2019m so stupid\u201d<\/span><\/p> \u201cIf only I\u2019d helped her get therapy when we were dating, maybe she\u2019d be different now\u201d<\/span><\/p> \u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019ve stayed for so long\u201d<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> I want you to know, unequivocally, that this is not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else\u2019s behaviour. If they shout at you, or sulk with you, or intimidate you, and then blame you for it, they are carrying out classic narcissistic behaviour. And the fault lies at their door, not yours. If you\u2019ve lived with it for years, of course it\u2019s hard to recognise that your situation isn\u2019t healthy. It\u2019s your normal. There is no shame in being where you are now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> And don\u2019t blame yourself if the road ahead feels overwhelming and hard. Once you\u2019ve recognised you\u2019re in a high conflict relationship it can be easy to think \u201cRight, well I need to get cracking and leave\u201d. But, in reality, you have healing and grieving to do. You are not likely to be 100% on top of your game. So if you don\u2019t spring into action, don\u2019t let that be another reason to feel bad about yourself. Recognising your situation is a huge step. And other steps will follow. Small steps are fine. Focus on your future and you will get there.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> \u00a0<\/p> I specialise in high conflict separation and divorce. I know that you need a different approach. I know that you need a safe place to process the past and present, and plan for the future. I know that the legal system still has far to go in understanding high conflict - but that there are things you can do to give yourself a voice.\u00a0<\/span><\/p> Let me be that safe person for you. You can book in a <\/span>free 30 minute consultation<\/span><\/a> here.<\/span><\/p> Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[582,397,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16370","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-divorce-self-care","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4g2","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/Copy-of-Copy-of-EH_BlogImage-18.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16370","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16370"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16370\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16380"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Do: recognise you\u2019re in a high conflict situation<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>They\u2019re never wrong<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>Their needs are paramount<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>They don\u2019t like you being independent<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>Do: seek people you can trust<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Do: work with what you can control<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t: give them what they want<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t: blame yourself<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>I can help<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Five ways to support yourself in a high conflict divorce<\/h1>
Do: recognise you\u2019re in a high conflict situation<\/span><\/h2>
They\u2019re never wrong<\/span><\/h3>
Their needs are paramount<\/span><\/h3>
They don\u2019t like you being independent<\/span><\/h3>
Do: seek people you can trust<\/span><\/h2>
Do: work with what you can control<\/span><\/h2>
Don\u2019t: give them what they want<\/span><\/h2>
Don\u2019t: blame yourself<\/span><\/h2>
I can help<\/span><\/h2>
About Emma<\/h2>