The pressure is always on at Christmas \u2013 and that goes triple if you have children. It\u2019s supposed to be \u2018the most wonderful time of the year\u2019. And parents are expected to sprinkle magic over their children\u2019s lives through the whole of December and into January. But what if the festive magic is in short supply in your family this year? Don\u2019t worry. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re a bad parent. We live in the real world, not a John Lewis advert or Disneyland. And your children will be ok through it all with you looking out for them. Here\u2019s how to support your children as you divorce this Christmas.<\/p>\n
Children aren\u2019t daft. If there\u2019s tension in the air, they will pick up on it. I don\u2019t tell you this so you feel guilty about things not being \u2018perfect\u2019 or not being the \u2018fun mum\u2019. I\u2019m telling you for the opposite reason \u2013 so you can give yourself a break and take the pressure off. \u00a0 \u00a0 While children don\u2019t need to know all the ins and outs of discussions behind the scenes, they will respond better to honesty. So be as truthful as you can. If you don\u2019t have all the answers, that\u2019s okay. If you don\u2019t know exactly what your soon-to-be-ex is doing over Christmas with the children, that\u2019s not something you can control. But you can reassure them about what you\u2019ll be doing together. \u00a0 \u00a0 It can be hard to co-parent if you and your soon-to-be-ex aren\u2019t on the same page. This is why a parenting plan can be so helpful \u2013 it\u2019s a compass to turn to and return to if you face new or tricky discussions. If you have already agreed ground rules in advance for where the children will be over Christmas, that can save a lot of emotional stress as the season reaches fever pitch. \u00a0 \u00a0 But if you haven\u2019t had time or the opportunity to get your plans sorted before now, as far as possible try to do this behind closed doors. Don\u2019t let your children witness you rowing with their other parent. It can be so hard when it feels like you\u2019re the only one with their best interests at heart. But turn that anger into energy for yourself and your children.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s natural that your children will have feelings about things being different over Christmas. They might lash out, blame you. They might demand everything\u2019s back to how it was. But there are some things you can\u2019t make happen. \u00a0 \u00a0 Their sad and angry feelings are allowed \u2013 it\u2019s good they trust you with their emotions. But just because they are having a tough time they do not have free rein to behave however they wish. \u00a0 \u00a0 When it comes down to it, two things are true:<\/p>\n
Christmas is sold as a time for traditions, and if you have children that like routine and familiarity, change to those traditions can feel difficult. But different can be fun! I bet there are some aspects of your traditional celebrations the children would like to change. Maybe they hate Christmas pudding. So let them decide the dessert this year. Or maybe they\u2019d love to go to the beach, or the park, rather than be at home. And maybe you can make that happen. \u00a0 It doesn\u2019t have to be a huge change, but let your children have some say over this \u2018new normal\u2019 at Christmas. Try and find something you can say yes to so they feel ownership and buy-in as well.<\/p>\n
Christmas can feel particularly tough if you\u2019re not seeing the children \u2013 for both you and them. If this is the case for you, come up with a plan before the big day. It\u2019s not too late. \u00a0 It\u2019s important for your children to know what to expect. Will they speak to, or zoom with you, on Christmas Day or over the holidays? When will they be with you? Aim to make a clear plan with your ex-spouse first, then let the children know. \u00a0 There are little ways you can help your children feel close to you when you\u2019re not with them. Leave notes in their bags. Draw a heart on both your hands. Hopefully your children will be having a lot of fun and won\u2019t miss you too much while you\u2019re apart. It\u2019s likely to feel harder for you than it is for them. \u00a0 So what can you do to look after yourself? This is where knowing the plan in advance helps \u2013 it gives you time to come up with a Christmas you can enjoy for yourself. Whether that\u2019s joining friends, getting away from it all, or camping out on the sofa with lots of chocolate. \u00a0 If Christmas without your children is a last minute arrangement, there\u2019s still time to find ways to make it work for you. Write down all the things you love to do. Circle the ones that are realistic for you to make happen within the next week or two. And do them! Keep those that you can\u2019t do right now as a gift to yourself for the future. And work towards doing them some time next year. \u00a0 \u00a0 And if you\u2019re struggling with divorce grief, I have some\u00a0ideas to support you in this blog.<\/a><\/p>\n Christmas season starts in September for some retailers! While most of us don\u2019t start that early, it\u2019s important to remember that Christmas is a season, not just 25 December. There\u2019s no reason why you can\u2019t have the big feast and get togethers on any other day. If you and your ex-spouse both put the children\u2019s needs first, there\u2019s every chance they will experience double the fun this Christmas. But if your ex-spouse\u2019s behaviour is not ideal, focus on what you can control. Focus on your time with the children. \u00a0 And there are lots of opportunities for Christmas connection throughout late December and into January. And they don\u2019t always have to cost a lot. Wintry walks with a flask of hot chocolate can be a lovely way to get everyone off phones, tablets and TV and talking. Or a PJs and board games afternoon. \u00a0 Rather than worry about expensive trips to Santa or the Panto, or whether you\u2019ve bought the best presents, focus on connection. Very rarely do we remember all the presents we were given as children. But we do remember the fun we had together.<\/p>\n Now\u2019s not the time to worry too much about planning. It\u2019s time to switch off and put your divorce down for a while. But do make a note to talk to your ex-spouse about holidays next year well in advance. Both Christmas and summer \u2013 as well as the other school holidays. A written plan, made in advance, will make it a lot easier for you to support your children\u2019s wellbeing, and your own as you navigate holiday times. A trained mediator can help with this.\u00a0Resolution<\/a>\u00a0is a good place to find one. \u00a0 If the thought of getting your divorce in order in 2022 fills you with dread, it\u2019s time to flip that situation around. Believe me, you do have what you need to advocate for yourself and your children. You just might not know it yet! \u00a0 Book in a\u00a0free 30 minute chat with me\u00a0<\/a>and see how I can help.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The pressure is always on at Christmas \u2013 and that goes triple if you have children. It\u2019s supposed to be \u2018the most wonderful time of the year\u2019. And parents are expected to sprinkle magic over their children\u2019s lives through the whole of December and into January. But what if the festive magic is in short […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17658,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,42,397],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16425","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-and-divorce","category-christmas","category-divorce-self-care"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/Blog-20th-Dec-2021.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4gV","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16425","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16425"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16425\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17658"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16425"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16425"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16425"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>A season, not a day<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Plan for next year<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n