{"id":17913,"date":"2022-02-07T06:30:09","date_gmt":"2022-02-07T06:30:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=17913"},"modified":"2024-03-27T12:19:52","modified_gmt":"2024-03-27T12:19:52","slug":"valentines-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/valentines-day\/","title":{"rendered":"Focus on your most important relationship this Valentine\u2019s Day"},"content":{"rendered":"

Since the New Year you\u2019ll have seen it in the shops. Red and silver hearts to replace the red and gold baubles. Valentine\u2019s season starts early and hits hard. It hits especially hard if you\u2019re in the middle of divorce. But this can be a powerful time to focus on the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>What\u2019s your relationship with you like?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

Most of us don\u2019t pay attention to how we talk to ourselves, or treat ourselves. The world is full of #bekind messages, yet we forget to do this with ourselves. Does any of this sound familiar?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so stupid for letting him walk all over me for so long.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI have no energy to play with the kids, I\u2019m a terrible parent.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not strong enough for this.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Most of my clients say these, or similar things about themselves – and not just in their head – they say them to me, and to the ladies in The Absolute Academy.<\/span><\/p>\n

What would you say if you heard someone else saying this?<\/span><\/p>\n

Probably things like:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not stupid, you just really wanted it to work.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not a terrible parent, and an afternoon of TV is absolutely fine!\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThis is so hard, but you have people supporting you and you will get through it.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Yet, so often, we take a much harsher line with ourselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Be honest. How do you treat yourself? Do you punish yourself for mistakes or missteps that you\u2019d see as learning experiences in other people? If so, it\u2019s time to stop.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Has your marriage damaged your self esteem?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

You might think divorce is bad for your self esteem. But, think about it. It\u2019s your unhealthy marriage that\u2019s done the damage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Whatever <\/span>your marriage story,<\/span><\/a>\u00a0whether there was a slow erosion of respect, your soon-to-be-ex went behind your back, you were the one behaving badly, or whatever else was going on – it\u2019s the marriage that soured your relationship with yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The process of divorce, and your post-divorce life, is an opportunity to repair and restore.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And the first step is to realise there\u2019s work to be done. To give yourself a break. Whatever\u2019s gone before, this is a time to take the reins and reset. Yes, divorce is stressful. But it can also be an empowering, cathartic time, if you let it. A time to realise what you\u2019re capable of. And a time to realise what you really need. Recognising both your needs and your capabilities are key ingredients to having a healthy relationship with yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>It\u2019s especially hard in high conflict relationships<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

A relationship ending will always make us question ourselves. What we should have done differently, whether we should even have got into the relationship in the first place. But it\u2019s especially destabilising when you\u2019ve been in a high conflict situation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s usually a pattern to high conflict relationships. Your high conflict partner starts out with love bombing – showering you with attention and compliments. And, over time, the poison creeps in. The blame. The gaslighting. The control. All of that can leave you spinning. Fogged with self-doubt about who you are, what you\u2019re capable are and who you can trust.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You can get back to the confident, independent, happy person you once were. I promise. It will take some work though.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Strengthen your self-love<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

So what can you do to restore your damaged relationship with yourself? We\u2019ve already begun to explore one aspect: your self-talk. It\u2019s hard to make and break habits, especially so when it\u2019s about what\u2019s going on in our heads!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For now, all you need to do is notice. If you can observe yourself saying mean things to yourself, and say \u201cAh, I\u2019m doing that thing again\u201d, it opens up the possibility for more. It lets your brain now that you aren\u2019t actually those things you told yourself. You can\u2019t be – because you\u2019re noticing yourself saying them! You\u2019re more than all of it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So start with noticing. And move on to considering what you\u2019d say to a close friend, instead. Begin the process of becoming your own close friend.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not just about self-talk though. It\u2019s about where you put yourself in the pecking order of your life. How often do you do things for yourself? I know, I know. Life is busy. You have no time. Yet it is possible to carve out small moments to remind ourselves we\u2019re worthy of care and attention.<\/span><\/p>\n

Got five minutes? Read a book or magazine. Stand outside for some fresh air. Make a cup of tea. Text a friend.<\/span><\/p>\n

Got twenty minutes? Take a walk. Journal. Research a class or hobby or holiday.<\/span><\/p>\n

Got an evening? Try out that yoga or pottery class. Go to a gig. Join a book club.<\/span><\/p>\n

Whatever it is, do something for you regularly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Why\u2019s this important now?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

Divorce is a great opportunity to work on your relationship with yourself. But it\u2019s also essential that you do. Why? Because if you get deep into the divorce process without a healthy amount of self respect and self care, you will trip up.<\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019ll find yourself drawn back towards your soon-to-be-ex, wanting them to give you the love and security you lack. You\u2019ll find yourself deferring to everyone else: their solicitor, your friends, your boss.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

If ever there was a time to put yourself first, this is it. No-one else can help you feel less empty if you don\u2019t do some of the work yourself. You will constantly need reassurance and praise from others if you don\u2019t mend your self worth. A healthy relationship with yourself is essential for a healthy divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Get clarity now<\/span><\/p>\n

When we don\u2019t respect or trust ourselves, we don\u2019t invest in ourselves. One of the ways to turn that around is to take the leap, and invest! It\u2019s a strong message to yourself that you are worth time, money and attention. And when you invest in a coach you\u2019ll know that you\u2019ll only get stronger, and clearer on the way forward as a result.<\/span><\/p>\n

Do you have a thorny issue that you can\u2019t get past in your divorce? Do you want help making a plan, or working through some psychological blocks? If so, <\/span>my 1:1 coaching packages<\/span><\/a> are just what you need.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

To find out if they\u2019re for you, just <\/span>book in a call<\/span><\/a> today.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n

Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Since the New Year you\u2019ll have seen it in the shops. Red and silver hearts to replace the red and gold baubles. Valentine\u2019s season starts early and hits hard. It hits especially hard if you\u2019re in the middle of divorce. But this can be a powerful time to focus on the most important relationship of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17914,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1841,20,397,582,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17913","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-mental-health","category-divorce-coaching","category-divorce-self-care","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-thinking-about-a-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4EV","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17913","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17913"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17913\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17914"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17913"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17913"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17913"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}