{"id":17915,"date":"2022-02-14T06:00:01","date_gmt":"2022-02-14T06:00:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=17915"},"modified":"2024-03-27T12:19:01","modified_gmt":"2024-03-27T12:19:01","slug":"divorcing-a-narcissist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/divorcing-a-narcissist\/","title":{"rendered":"Divorcing a narcissist? Your must read guide to your options"},"content":{"rendered":"

What\u2019s the divorce holy grail? The C word. Not that one! Or that one either\u2026 the divorce holy grail is Collaboration. A mutually agreed end to the marriage, with a mutually agreed divorce settlement, supported by helpful professionals when needed. Amicable all the way.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sadly, vanishingly few get the holy grail. And if you\u2019re in a high conflict marriage, your chances are nil. I know that\u2019s hard to hear. But it\u2019s the truth, and once you know the truth you can prepare for it. In this blog we take a look at what your soon-to-be-ex\u2019s narcissistic traits mean for your divorce process. If you\u2019re divorcing a narcissist this is your must-read guide to your options.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>The pitfalls of mediation<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

I, along with family law organisation <\/span>Resolution<\/span><\/a>, usually recommend mediation as your best pathway to divorce. Family mediation puts you and your soon-to-be-ex in control of divorce decisions, rather than at the mercy of a judge. It is usually quicker and more cost effective. And it can help keep the emotional heat low.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This is all true so long as you are not trying to collaborate with a narcissist. There are three big reasons why narcissists do not suit the mediation process:<\/span><\/p>\n

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  1. They can\u2019t empathise. Which means they can\u2019t work towards a compromise – they can\u2019t see that you have needs separate from their own.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. They can\u2019t fail. The narcissist will come to the negotiating table with what they want. Achieving anything different will be seen as a failure. So it\u2019s impossible to have a constructive discussion about a fair outcome.<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. They can\u2019t take responsibility. When\/if things go wrong, it\u2019s never their fault. They are always the victim. Mediation relies on a conversation between two people with equal power. If one party refuses to accept responsibility for the consequences of any of their actions, it\u2019s a non-starter.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    The real danger comes if your narcissist suggests mediation, and you enter into discussions unprepared. Narcissists can be charming and disarming. They can be very persuasive, convincing both you and a mediator that their suggestions are fair.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    So, be on your guard. Be clear about what your wants and needs are, and if you start a mediation process but then feel under pressure, stop. There are other options.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    <\/span>Document everything<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

    Before we get into the different options for reaching agreement, here\u2019s something to remember, whatever else happens.<\/span><\/p>\n

    What\u2019s the answer when someone swears black is white, they didn\u2019t do it and if they did you told them to? Documentation is one essential weapon. It won\u2019t solve all your problems. But it will be a lot harder for your soon-to-be-ex to, for example, claim they see the children \u2018all the time\u2019, if you have listed all the <\/span>actual<\/span><\/i> time they spent together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    Make a note of everything: childcare arrangements, when and how they contact you, if they show up at your home unannounced, if they remove your belongings.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    Also get copies or take photos of all your financial information – so if it \u2018goes missing\u2019 or your soon-to-be-ex claims otherwise, you have evidence.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    As well as strengthening your case when you are talking to professionals, your record will remind you that you aren\u2019t losing your mind – they actually did do and say those things.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    <\/span>Finding the right solicitor<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

    If finances allow, I recommend you instruct a solicitor if you\u2019re divorcing someone with high conflict personality traits. Narcissists are manipulative, and it\u2019s highly useful to get a professional pair of eyes on your case. Remember you don\u2019t need to do this straight away, you can spend some time getting your information together first (read more on<\/span> when to instruct a solicitor here<\/span><\/a>). This is also something I can help with on an <\/span>Ask the Alchemist<\/span><\/a> call.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    If you\u2019ve not worked with a solicitor before, it can feel intimidating. But remember, you are the client here. You are in the driving seat. Not all solicitors are trained in high conflict cases. When you\u2019re choosing your legal representation:<\/span><\/p>\n