{"id":17917,"date":"2022-02-21T06:00:38","date_gmt":"2022-02-21T06:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=17917"},"modified":"2022-02-03T16:42:56","modified_gmt":"2022-02-03T16:42:56","slug":"how-to-parent-high-conflict-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/how-to-parent-high-conflict-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"How to parent in a high conflict divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a parent, your children are your top priority. Am I right? Unfortunately, if you\u2019re married to a narcissist, the same is not true for them. Parents with narcissistic traits do not, cannot, put the children\u2019s needs in front of their own. So how do you protect your children\u2019s wellbeing and your own? Here\u2019s how to parent in a high conflict divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"what_does_narcissistic_parenting_look_like\"><\/span><b>What does narcissistic parenting look like?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Before we get into narcissistic parenting, a reminder of how people with narcissistic traits tend to act. They usually display some or all of the following:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Unregulated emotions<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Black and white thinking<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">An inability to accept they are wrong<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A lack of empathy for what others experience<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">An inflated sense of their own importance\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">All of these tendencies affect how they parent. Your children are likely to experience the highs and lows of their narcissistic parent\u2019s volatility just as you did. For example, maybe your soon-to-be-ex will wow them with special experiences, making them feel the centre of the universe &#8211; the lovebombing that\u2019s common at the start of relationships with narcissists. And withdraw, leaving your child feeling rejected, neglected or blamed when things don\u2019t go to plan.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Quite often, as narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves, they will show love when a child is succeeding, and withdraw that love when they don\u2019t \u2018succeed\u2019 in the same way. Did your child win the race at sport\u2019s day? They can expect to be showered with affection. Did they come last? It\u2019s unlikely their narcissist parent will praise them for giving it a go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you have more than one child your soon-to-be-ex may respond to each differently. Maybe one child is the golden one, a projection of the narcissist\u2019s own inflated ego. The one that proves how special they are. Whereas their siblings may be ignored or scapegoated. These roles may change over time, leaving your children competing with each other for favour.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your children may find they simply don\u2019t feature in their narcissistic parent\u2019s life. EIther the narcissist refuses contact, or only does it on their own terms. And when they are with their children, it\u2019s still all about what the narcissist wants to do, rather than the children\u2019s own needs and interests.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your narcissistic ex may also use their time with your children to bad mouth you. Remember, narcissists can\u2019t be wrong. So if your marriage is over, of course it\u2019s your fault, not theirs. And it\u2019s unlikely a narcissist will keep their feelings and opinions to themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There\u2019s no simple blueprint for narcissistic behaviour. It can take different forms and these can change over time. One thing\u2019s for certain &#8211; your children are unlikely to experience healthy boundaries or consistency when they are with your ex-spouse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"what_impact_does_it_have_on_your_children\"><\/span><b>What impact does it have on your children?\u00a0<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It goes without saying that all of this is far from ideal for your children. They have a right to expect to be cared for, respected and loved. It will feel disorientating if they don\u2019t know what to expect each time they are with your narcissistic ex. It can erode their self esteem and sense of safety.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, how will this show up? You may witness changes in your children\u2019s behaviour, and changes in their behaviour towards you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Anything that undermines a person\u2019s self esteem will leave them vulnerable to poorer mental health. Your child may show signs of being depressed or anxious: not wanting to leave their room, participate in groups, or go to school.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your child may have outbursts of anger, particularly directed towards you. There are a few reasons for this, and it\u2019s important not to take them personally. For starters, you\u2019re your child\u2019s safe person. This is a good thing: it\u2019s the very best thing you can be. But it does mean they will take any feelings out on you. They can\u2019t possibly be rude to their other parent without fearing rejection. You, on the other hand, offer love consistently.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your child may also have been told the divorce, or any problems going on, are your fault. So, of course they are going to blame you. And they will be looking for someone to blame, we all do when things don\u2019t go as we want them to.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">None of this is fair, or easy, for you or your children. But what can you do about it?<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"how_can_you_support_your_children\"><\/span><b>How can you support your children?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The bad news first: unless there are safeguarding issues, it\u2019s unlikely you can stop your narcissistic ex from seeing your children. They have parental rights, and the courts generally see having contact with both parents and in the best interests of the children. Abuse can be a grey area. You may feel that the volatility and emotional withdrawal that your children experience is a form of abuse &#8211; and I understand and agree. But unless you can demonstrate significant harm or neglect it is unlikely you will be able to argue your child should not see their other parent.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And the other piece of bad news: you are unlikely to be able to change your soon-to-be-ex\u2019s behaviour. They won\u2019t like criticism, or implied criticism, of how they are with your children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But all is not lost. The good news is you are more powerful than you realise in your children\u2019s eyes. By being a loving, stable force in their lives you can provide them with the anchor and sanctuary they need to weather the storms provided by their other parent. You may find their mental health improves as they can more clearly relax into the healthy family environment you can provide now you have some distance from your narcissistic spouse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"being_the_safe_parent\"><\/span><b>Being the safe parent<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don\u2019t underestimate the positive impact you have on your children. You can help to neutralise the harm done by:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Showing them you love them unconditionally &#8211; it\u2019s not dependent on good grades, or even good behaviour (this doesn\u2019t mean you have to stand for disrespectful behaviour, more on that later!)<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Regularly help them see their own strengths: \u2018You kept going, even though it was hard!\u2019<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Helping to debunk unhelpful thoughts about themselves: \u2018You say you\u2019re stupid, why do you think that? That\u2019s not what I see and here\u2019s why\u2026\u2019<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Gently reminding them that their other parent behaves like that with others, so they children don\u2019t blame themselves. This is a fine line, as you don\u2019t want to openly criticize them. But you can say things like: \u2018It must hurt that Daddy ignored you after the football game. He does that to me sometimes too &#8211; it\u2019s not your fault. And you were a fabulous team player. Let\u2019s go and get some ice cream. \u2019<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In \u2018standard\u2019 divorces I would strongly urge you to collaborate over parenting styles, and come up with some principles together. But in this case, your role is very much about modelling a healthy family dynamic. You can show your children that whatever happens when they are with their other parent, they are safe with you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It may be that your ex-spouse will accept the involvement of a parenting co-ordinator. A parenting co-ordinator is a trained professional who can work with you both to resolve high conflict issues relating to your children. While a narcissist is unlikely to take feedback from you, they may be more willing to work with a third party to reach an agreement. Parenting co-ordinators can be called upon both during and after the divorce process. You can <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/parentingcoordinators.co.uk\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">find out more about them here.<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re concerned about your children\u2019s mental health, please do seek help. Unfortunately, CAMHS are very stretched, but it is still worth contacting your GP for a referral. Seek out other avenues too: what does your school or local council have on offer? Are private therapists an option for you?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"dont_forget_about_yourself\"><\/span><b>Don\u2019t forget about yourself<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Parenting is hard at the best of times. Parenting during and after divorce can be even harder. And parenting when your ex-spouse is a narcissist takes the biscuit. So do remember to look after yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Yes, it\u2019s important that you offer your children love and security. That doesn\u2019t mean you have to be perfect! Of course you\u2019re going to shout sometimes. Of course you\u2019re going to have days when you just want to lock yourself in the bedroom and ignore them. That doesn\u2019t make you a bad parent, it makes you human.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you recognise why your children are acting out, it\u2019s easier to treat them with compassion. But it doesn\u2019t mean they can get away with everything. They need healthy boundaries. Call them out when they are rude to you. Keep reminding them to pick their clothes off the floor &#8211; or whatever it is. Deep down, they want to be parented, not left to roam free. They are children.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Looking after your own emotional health is more important than ever when you\u2019re parenting alongside a narcissist. It\u2019s draining. You can\u2019t do it alone. And you don\u2019t have to.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"join_the_absolute_academy\"><\/span><b>Join The Absolute Academy<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Absolute Academy is <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">a private community of women who want to gain control of their divorce and feel better while they do it. A community of women who are there to support each other through divorce. And get my knowledge, coaching and support each week too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I know every divorce is unique, especially when it comes to high conflict, and that\u2019s why I hold Q&amp;As every week to answer your individual questions. The Q&amp;A is recorded so you can watch the replay if you can\u2019t attend live.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Parenting in a high conflict divorce, as well as managing the divorce process, is perhaps the hardest thing you\u2019ll ever have to do. Let me and the ladies of The Absolute Academy be there for you. <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/the-absolute-academy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Join us today.\u00a0<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\"><b>Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/gb\/podcast\/the-six-minute-divorce-podcast-with-emma-heptonstall\/id1547792197\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As a parent, your children are your top priority. Am I right? Unfortunately, if you\u2019re married to a narcissist, the same is not true for them. Parents with narcissistic traits do not, cannot, put the children\u2019s needs in front of their own. So how do you protect your children\u2019s wellbeing and your own? Here\u2019s how [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17921,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[582,34,12,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17917","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-children-and-divorce","category-divorce-support","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress-3.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4EZ","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17917","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17917"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17917\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17921"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17917"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17917"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17917"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}