{"id":17918,"date":"2022-02-28T06:00:18","date_gmt":"2022-02-28T06:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=17918"},"modified":"2022-02-03T16:36:05","modified_gmt":"2022-02-03T16:36:05","slug":"love-your-money-high-conflict-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/love-your-money-high-conflict-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"How to love your money in a high conflict divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What\u2019s your relationship with money? If you\u2019ve been in a high conflict marriage, chances are you and money aren\u2019t best friends. In this blog we\u2019ll take a look at why, and what you can do about it. Read all about how to love your money in a high conflict divorce.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"why_is_high_conflict_bad_for_your_money\"><\/span><b>Why is high conflict bad for your money?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you know anything about high conflict personalities, or those with narcissistic traits, you\u2019ll know it\u2019s all about control. People with these personality traits can\u2019t:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Admit they are wrong<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Understand they are no more important than others<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Empathise with others<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">All of this is a toxic cocktail which means they have to control you, the narrative of your marriage and divorce, and yes, the money.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What did that look like in your marriage? Maybe they were the main breadwinner, and gave you an \u2018allowance\u2019. You were never an equal partner in decision making. But what about if you were the main breadwinner? Chances are they still called the shots, and left you feeling guilty if you strayed from their budgeting.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Think about your relationship with money now. Does the mere thought of financial planning send you into a tailspin? Do you feel guilty if you spend anything on yourself, or even on the children? Do you automatically go for the cheapest option because you were working with such a tiny budget?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If any of these things are true for you, know that your high conflict marriage is at least partly to blame. And know that you can start to change your perspective. You can start to learn to love your money, and your relationship with it, today.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"restoring_your_confidence\"><\/span><b>Restoring your confidence<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In this blog I\u2019ll give you some practical steps to take to have a healthier relationship with money. But first, we need to look at your mindset. The most important first step you can take is to reset your attitude to yourself. If you\u2019re thinking \u2018I\u2019m no good with money\u2019 or \u2018it\u2019s all too complicated\u2019, then I want you to stop right now.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These are beliefs, not facts. If you\u2019ve conducted yourself as an adult in any way, you will have had to manage money, one way or another. Unless you\u2019ve been in a convent or similar! You do have what it takes to manage your finances.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If your narcissistic ex has taken control of your marital finances, don\u2019t blame yourself. Narcissists are clever, and their realms of control slowly but surely grow over time. It doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t start to get to grips with things now. You absolutely can. And if you\u2019ve been managing on a restricted budget because that\u2019s all you were allowed, you\u2019ve absolutely shown resourcefulness in running your life on limited means.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Will it be easy getting to grips with your finances? I can\u2019t say, I don\u2019t know your circumstances. I do know that most things are far less scary once you actually look them in the eye.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"make_friends_with_money\"><\/span><b>Make friends with money<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If money has been an off-limit topic for the past few years, or decades, then of course it will feel uncomfortable to start thinking and talking about it again. But you need to: there is absolutely no way you can divorce without thinking about your financial situation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Start as you mean to go on. Make friends with money. People often misquote the phrase \u2018money is the root of all evil\u2019. But it\u2019s not the money that\u2019s evil &#8211; money can\u2019t do anything by itself. Your money can be your friend: your way into securing a home, healthy food, and a fun and fulfilling life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don\u2019t dwell on mistakes you\u2019ve made with money in the past. Start to think, positively yet realistically, how money can help you live the life you want in the future. Money can be your partner in adventure, freedom and fun. But you need to help it along.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"know_your_numbers\"><\/span><b>Know your numbers<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The number one (no pun intended) thing to get to grips with is your numbers. What do I mean by this? I mean you need to know what your financial picture is like. Do you know what your monthly mortgage or rental payments are on your home? Your bills? Your weekly food spend? These are all critical pieces of information to help you navigate your divorce settlement, and start managing your money independently.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Start to gather information. Your high conflict ex is likely to push back as you find your financial feet. But stand firm. It is absolutely your right to have access to any accounts you are named on, jointly or individually. Start to pay attention to weekly and monthly spends. Keep track of the annual payments you are likely to need &#8211; even if you can\u2019t trace these exactly you will know that at some point car insurance will need to be paid, for example.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As for your assets, start to create a list of what you own &#8211; both jointly and individually. If you were given any gifts in the marriage, especially by your soon-to-be-ex, make sure you keep these safe. Equally, what do you owe? Do you have a mortgage or outstanding debts?<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"know_your_future_needs\"><\/span><b>Know your future needs<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is a really important element to loving yourself and your money. What do you need to live your life? If you\u2019ve been in a high conflict relationship, this can be a harder question to answer than you might think. It\u2019s likely your narcissistic ex has conditioned you into feeling guilty about any spending on yourself. Or simply not permitted you the funds to do so.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I want you to know, right now, that you are worthy of having money. And spending that money. That you are capable of managing your finances, and that you deserve a life led on your terms, not dictated by your ex-spouse.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So really think about this \u2018future needs\u2019 question. Many women reduce their needs to be bare minimum:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018Well, no-one <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">needs<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> a holiday, do they?\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018I don\u2019t <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">need<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> a haircut every three months.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018I don\u2019t <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">need<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to do that creative writing diploma, it\u2019s just for fun.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2018If I shop carefully and take advantage of best buys, I can get away with a grocery bill of \u00a320 a week.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You are entitled to a life beyond the bare minimum. Of course, if funds are stretched and there simply isn\u2019t enough to go around, then you need to strategise about how to budget and work towards bringing in an income and work towards the life you want. There are people who can help with this. Citizens Advice has a<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.citizensadvice.org.uk\/debt-and-money\/budgeting\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> useful budgeting tool.<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If there are funds in your marriage to allow you to do some \u2018nice to have\u2019 things as well as the bare essentials, then you are just as entitled to these as your soon-to-be-ex.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"be_as_kind_to_you_as_youd_be_to_your_friend\"><\/span><strong>Be as kind to you as you&#8217;d be to your friend<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Imagine your best friend is in the position you are now. Would you say to her that she has to keep scrimping and saving for the rest of her life? Or would you encourage her to take this opportunity to imagine the future &#8211; realistically and positively &#8211; and start investing in the things and activities that bring her meaning and happiness?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Start to liberate yourself from your conditioning. Treat yourself with kindness. You are allowed to buy yourself new things.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some women worry that it will be viewed negatively if they suddenly start spending. This might\u00a0 be true if you suddenly racked up thousands in debts, or began living a wildly extravagant life in Marbella. But buying yourself a new pair of shoes, or signing up for that course that your ex-spouse always blocked you from? The judge won\u2019t bat an eyelid.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"freedom_can_be_harder_than_it_looks\"><\/span><b>Freedom can be harder than it looks<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re reading this and thinking \u2018But I really am no good with money\u2019 or \u2018But I don\u2019t even know what I want anymore\u2019 then you\u2019re not alone. Many women who\u2019ve been in high conflict situations are left lost and bewildered. That\u2019s where I come in. Together we can unpack the blocks you have around money, your values and your self worth.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And once we\u2019ve done that absolutely critical piece of work I can help you make a financial plan that leaves you excited for your future. Ready to start?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Book in <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/contact\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">a free consultation with me<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> today.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"about_emma\"><\/span>About Emma<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/about-me-emma-heptonstall\/\"><b>Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/How-Be-Lady-Who-Leaves\/dp\/1999631501\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/gb\/podcast\/the-six-minute-divorce-podcast-with-emma-heptonstall\/id1547792197\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/\"><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What\u2019s your relationship with money? If you\u2019ve been in a high conflict marriage, chances are you and money aren\u2019t best friends. In this blog we\u2019ll take a look at why, and what you can do about it. Read all about how to love your money in a high conflict divorce.\u00a0 Why is high conflict bad [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17919,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[582,2736,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17918","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-divorce-conflict","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/02\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress-2.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4F0","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17918","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17918"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17918\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17919"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17918"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17918"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17918"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}