{"id":17925,"date":"2022-03-07T06:30:51","date_gmt":"2022-03-07T06:30:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=17925"},"modified":"2022-03-04T11:37:16","modified_gmt":"2022-03-04T11:37:16","slug":"can-you-really-divorce-without-blame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/can-you-really-divorce-without-blame\/","title":{"rendered":"Can you really divorce without blame?"},"content":{"rendered":"

In April 2022 divorce law is changing in England and Wales. From 6 April 2022 onwards, divorce can be granted before two years pass without one of the parties being \u2018at fault\u2019. Which is why it\u2019s been labelled \u2018no fault\u2019 divorce. But what about the reality? On the ground, for women like you who are going through the divorce process? Can there really be no fault divorce? In this blog we\u2019ll explore the question: can you really divorce without blame?<\/p>\n

<\/span>Divorce: the reality<\/span><\/h2>\n

The legal system is supposed to be calm, impartial, fair. Of course, sometimes it is none of these things. The courts don\u2019t always make the right rulings. Judgements are flawed. Nevertheless, the court system is there to uphold the law and, as far as possible, to keep emotions out of it.<\/p>\n

Outside of the legal system, it\u2019s a different matter entirely. It would be absolutely wonderful if every divorcing couple reached the decision to separate mutually. If they had complementary visions for their futures. If they held peaceful, smooth, conversations about assets and parenting, and both moved on with their lives with each other\u2019s blessing and no recrimination.<\/p>\n

In my decade of divorce coaching, I\u2019ve never seen that happen. There is always recrimination at some point. There is always hurt and grief. This is because we\u2019re human. It doesn\u2019t mean either or both of you are terrible people. It just means you\u2019re people.<\/p>\n

This means, somewhere along the line, in your lived reality of divorce, it\u2019s likely there will be blame. Even if it\u2019s fleeting. Even if, for the most part, your divorce is a fairly smooth, uncomplicated process. Chances are at some point you\u2019ll think something along the lines of:<\/p>\n

Why did they give up on our marriage?
\nWhy didn\u2019t they invest more time in us?
\nWhat was it that made them have that affair?
\nWhy did they convince me to move away?
\nWhat made them always so argumentative?
\nWhy were they never excited to do anything together?<\/p>\n

Or any of a million other questions about why your marriage stopped working. If you\u2019re not asking them about your spouse you\u2019re asking them about yourself.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s natural. No-one goes into a marriage wanting it to end. And when things go wrong we look for what, and who, to blame. But just because it\u2019s natural doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s healthy.<\/p>\n

<\/span>When you hold onto blame you hurt yourself.<\/span><\/h2>\n

There\u2019s a world of difference between these two scenarios:<\/p>\n

Scenario 1:<\/strong> You and your husband are splitting up. You\u2019ve realised that you\u2019ve grown apart. He\u2019s still interested in the sports, holidays and hobbies he was interested in 20 years ago. You\u2019re not. You keep going over and over it in your head. Why won\u2019t he spend more time doing more of the things you enjoy? He\u2019s so selfish for not being prepared to go to Copenhagen on holiday rather than France for the tenth time. And you start to blame yourself too: why can\u2019t you be satisfied with what you\u2019ve always had?<\/p>\n

Scenario 2:<\/strong> Same scene. He\u2019s still interested in the things he was 20 years ago, you\u2019ve moved on. But in this scenario your internal monologue is different. \u2018I\u2019ve tried to compromise on my interests, but I can\u2019t keep doing that to myself.\u2019 \u2018I wish he was into different things, but I know I can\u2019t change him.\u2019 \u2018We\u2019ve discussed it and we\u2019ve both realised we want different things out of life.\u2019<\/p>\n

The first scenario contains a lot more bitterness. And is likely to use a lot more of your emotional energy. It\u2019s helpful to question your actions and intentions with curiosity. It can bring acceptance to notice where things went wrong in your marriage. Sometimes it can help you find a way through. It can help to recognise that one person had more of a part to play than the other.<\/p>\n

But it becomes poisonous when you get stuck in the blame game. Understanding how you got here is a healthy step to moving forward. But when you stay fixated on it being your spouse\u2019s fault you get stuck in the past. In re-living old hurts. And that doesn\u2019t help anyone.<\/p>\n

<\/span>What if they really are to blame?<\/span><\/h2>\n

One of the most common questions I get is how to move forward when your soon-to-be-ex really was the stuff of nightmares. Perhaps they were abusive. Maybe they were dishonest, or selfish. Maybe they were a terrible parent to your children.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t need to ignore any of these things. It\u2019s important to acknowledge them, and deal with them as best you can. That might look like:<\/p>\n