Just as divorce is a stressful life experience for us, so it is for our children. In fact, it can feel doubly stressful for them, as it\u2019s a decision they haven\u2019t made for themselves. Your role as a parent in divorce can have a huge impact on your children – for better and worse. The good news is, there are strategies you can use to ensure you can support your children through their divorce stress rather than add to it. Here are five ways to minimise divorce stress for your children.<\/p>\n
Many parents make the mistake of thinking they need to hide their feelings from their children. It comes from the best of places: wanting to protect them from harm. But, sometimes, in trying to keep the divorce behind closed doors, you unwittingly cause your children more stress.<\/p>\n
Why? Because children aren\u2019t daft. They pick up on emotions. When you try and plaster on a permanent smile and pretend everything\u2019s completely rosy all the time, your children don\u2019t fall for it. Instead, they learn that difficult emotions aren\u2019t welcome and must be hidden away.<\/p>\n
Of course, constant raging or collapsing into floods of tears will be scary for your children. So what can you do?<\/p>\n
Be honest (in an age appropriate way – see below). Allow your children to see that you\u2019re feeling sad sometimes, or that you\u2019re finding life difficult. Allow them to witness that life isn\u2019t always smooth. And – this bit is vital – reassure them that things will get better. Life feels hard sometimes. It\u2019s okay to be sad. It\u2019s okay to find it tough going. But it won\u2019t always feel like that.<\/p>\n
Role model sharing your feelings and reaching out to friends for help. This will teach your children they can do that too.<\/p>\n
Yes, it can be damaging to hide everything from your children. Children have incredible imaginations: remember that time you were three minutes late to collect them from football they\u2019d imagined you kidnapped or under the bus?! The truth can be dealt with in a way that scary monsters under the bed can\u2019t.<\/p>\n
But that doesn\u2019t mean they need to hear the ins and outs of everything. You don\u2019t need to tell them what an idiot your soon-to-be-ex is. It\u2019s absolutely in their best interests to maintain a loving relationship with both parents (unless abuse is happening).<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t need to give them the lowdown of all the divorce admin you are struggling with, or ask their advice. And you don\u2019t need to burden them with the detail of your emotional wrangling – your children are not your therapists.<\/p>\n
Tell your children the truth in a simple way they can handle. \u2018Mum\u2019s finding things a bit hard at the moment, but I\u2019m working with some lovely people and things will get better\u2019 is fine for your six year old. Your teenager can handle a little more – but don\u2019t fall into the trap of leaning on them for emotional support. You might let them know, for example, that you\u2019re seeing a counsellor (it\u2019s great to normalise looking after your mental health) but don\u2019t turn them into the counsellor.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s unlikely the divorce was your children\u2019s decision. And, as psychologists tell us, any situation where we feel out of control can feel stressful.<\/p>\n
Your children are not in charge of your divorce. It\u2019s up to you and your soon-to-be-ex to navigate your futures. But you can give your children an age-appropriate sense of agency. If there\u2019s scope to involve them in decisions about where they spend their time, for example (perhaps they can choose the midweek night they regularly go to their other parent) – do.<\/p>\n
If there\u2019s no scope, that\u2019s fine, offer them other choices. Would they like new bedding for their other home? Could they choose the food you eat on Friday nights? Think about where you can give your children some autonomy over how their life plays out during and after your divorce.<\/p>\n
Reassure your children that any stress they are feeling is normal. Stress is a normal response to a demanding and fraught situation – and divorce will feel demanding and fraught. They are not broken.<\/p>\n
It doesn\u2019t make stress pleasant though. And it doesn\u2019t mean you or your children have to suffer. There are things you can do to help. Here are some simple, practical tips for helping your children deal with stress:<\/p>\n
1. Name it. Dr Tamara Russell has developed a tool called \u2018What Colour is Your Dragon\u2019 to help children and adults recognise and name their emotions. When we are stressed we think and speak from a \u2018red dragon\u2019 place, driven by a sense of threat. Dragon imagery is a really helpful way to make sense of emotions, especially for younger children. You can learn more about What Colour Is Your Dragon here<\/a>.<\/p>\n 2. Share it. We all find our burdens easier to bear when we share them with others. Talking with other people can both help reduce our fears and enable problem solving. Older children and teenagers may be reluctant to talk to you. Encourage them to find another trusted adult to talk to, or to use a journal.<\/p>\n 3. Shift it. We carry stress in our bodies. Moving around can be a powerful way of physically regulating our stress response. Encourage your children to get outside, play in the park, go for a walk. You can also encourage them to slow their breathing down. Save the Children has a number of relaxation techniques suitable for all ages here.<\/a><\/p>\n As a parent you are there to support your children. But you aren\u2019t a limitless source of energy, wisdom and kindness without replenishing yourself too. Try to ensure that you seek your own support. This might be informal, by turning to friends and family for a chat, or for practical help. Or you might decide to see a therapist or your GP. Or book in a session with me.<\/p>\n Whatever you do – be honest with yourself about your own stress levels and the support you need. Remember, it role models healthy behaviour when you look after your health and wellbeing!<\/p>\n If you are feeling overwhelmed and need help seeing the wood for the trees, I am here. Whether you have a question about how to support your children, how to communicate with your soon-to-be-ex, or what legal support you need, I\u2019ll help you come up with a plan.<\/p>\n Just book in for a free 30 minute consultation<\/a> and we can take it from there.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Just as divorce is a stressful life experience for us, so it is for our children. In fact, it can feel doubly stressful for them, as it\u2019s a decision they haven\u2019t made for themselves. Your role as a parent in divorce can have a huge impact on your children – for better and worse. The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17947,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17945","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-and-divorce","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress-3.png?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4Fr","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17945","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17945"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17945\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17947"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17945"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17945"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17945"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>5. Have your own support networks<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n