Separation and divorce is often a confusing, scary time for children. In an ideal scenario, the children will have good quality contact with both parents. They will move between households smoothly, and feel safe and loved at both. You and your ex-spouse will work effectively as a co-parenting team, so the children experience consistent values and routines, wherever they are.<\/p>\n
Of course, it\u2019s rare for the ideal scenario to play out 100% of the time. Even if you generally have a good system in place, there will be bumps in the road. And one of the most anxiety-inducing is when they don\u2019t want to see their other parent. So what to do when your child doesn’t want to see their other parent?<\/em><\/p>\n There are hundreds of reasons why your child might resist seeing their other parent. In this blog we are focussing on situations where both parents are safe and loving. You might not see eye to eye with your ex-spouse, or agree with all of their parenting choices, but you know, deep down, that they are a safe person for your child to be with. If you do suspect abuse, skip to the bottom, I have some information for you there. And if you are the parent they\u2019re refusing to see, I have some reassurance for you at the end too.<\/p>\n So, in a safe and loving situation, why might your child resist seeing their other parent? It will very much depend on their age and personality, but here are a few common themes:<\/p>\n There may be other reasons specific to your child and family\u2019s situation. The important thing to recognise here is that what might seem like a small thing to you actually feels like a dealbreaker to your child.<\/p>\n This isn\u2019t about blame. Yes, some of the reasons might be due to suboptimal parenting from your ex-spouse: perhaps they\u2019ve spent too much time ignoring the children while working or being with friends. Equally, some of the reasons might be completely circumstantial. For example, it\u2019s understandable if they didn\u2019t realise that their preferred butter tastes different and makes your child feel anxious!<\/p>\n You\u2019re most likely to get your child to open up about what\u2019s bothering them if you can raise it lightly, rather than making a big deal. Don\u2019t put your child on the spot, and demand they sort it out there and then. That centres the child as the problem and means they\u2019ll clam up.<\/p>\n Instead, choose a moment when you\u2019re both relaxed and connected. Maybe you\u2019re having a walk together, in the car, or watching a TV show. Ask them what it is that puts them off going to their other home. And listen to what they say, without offering suggestions or solutions.<\/p>\n If they can\u2019t or won\u2019t talk to you about it, get in contact with your ex-spouse. Again, this isn\u2019t about blame. You\u2019re not going for a \u201cWhat have you done wrong so they don\u2019t want to see you?!\u201d tone. You\u2019re going for something more like \u201cAva is saying she doesn’t want to come at the weekend. What do you think we can do to turn this around?\u201d<\/p>\n Remember, even if your child\u2019s reasons feel silly to you, they are important and valid. You aren\u2019t aiming to coerce your child into spending time with their other parent. You\u2019re looking to work together so your child feels comfortable, even excited, to do so. And that means problem solving together. Ask them what would help, and take their suggestions seriously.<\/p>\n It might be that what they want isn\u2019t realistic. Perhaps they wish their dad\u2019s house was next to yours so they can play with their friends in the street every evening. And neither you nor your ex have any desire to become neighbours! But perhaps their dad could bring them round to play at their friend\u2019s house, or invite them over on the weekend. Or if they live further away, perhaps their dad could introduce them to local children, or enrol them in a Saturday club to make new friends. Once you know what\u2019s at the heart of the problem there are often ways to make it better.<\/p>\n Perhaps your ex-spouse has some idea of what\u2019s going on. They might not want to give you all the details: maybe they guiltily realise they have spent the past few weekends watching too much TV and neglected little Alfie. As long as they realise and start to remedy the situation, you have a positive outcome. This isn\u2019t about winning \u2018best parent\u2019 competitions.<\/p>\n If between some combination of you and your child, you and your ex-spouse, or all three, you can come up with some workable ideas that make your child happier about visiting, you\u2019re onto a winner.<\/p>\n It might be useful to get professional support in your problem solving. Family mediation can help you have constructive conversations with your ex-spouse. Your child may also be able to speak with the mediator, and may find it easier to talk to someone who has some distance from their family.<\/p>\n If your child continues to be troubled is there another trusted adult they could talk to? It might be appropriate to enlist a specialist child counsellor, or it might be that a neighbour or relative can offer a supportive and listening ear.<\/p>\n It\u2019s in your child\u2019s best interests to have a relationship with both parents. You don\u2019t want to dismiss their concerns, but stopping contact with the other parent is not a solution either. As we\u2019ve explored, the key is in problem-solving together. But you get to set the boundaries.<\/p>\n Gently explain to your child why it\u2019s so important they spend time with both parents. And let them know you all want to work to make that happen. It might be that a change in routine is needed for a while. Discuss with your ex-spouse what might be possible. For example, if your child doesn\u2019t want to stay overnight, can you agree they do more daytime and evening visits for the next month? Or visit at your home rather than theirs?<\/p>\n Make sure that whatever you agree is acceptable to you, and that there are clear limits on it. Having your ex-spouse rebuild their relationship with your child in your house might be a helpful and necessary step for a few weeks, but it\u2019s unlikely you want that as a long term solution. Write down any changes to your usual arrangements, as well as a deadline for when you\u2019ll review. With younger or neurodiverse children it might be helpful to have pictures to remind them of the temporary plan, and when it will change again.<\/p>\n If you are concerned that your child is at risk, then your first duty is to their safety. Make sure to document your concerns, and the evidence you have for them. Notify the police and your legal team. It is possible to take out injunctions against your ex-spouse, on behalf of your children as well as yourself. You can find out more about what to do in abusive or violent situations here.<\/a><\/p>\n What about if it\u2019s the other way around, and you\u2019re the parent who\u2019s being shunned? There will be a blog getting into this in more detail soon, but for now I urge you to hang on in there. Don\u2019t give up – your child needs you.<\/p>\n As I\u2019ve said, it\u2019s not at all unusual for children to go through phases of not wanting to see one parent or the other. And it usually does pass before too long – even if it feels like an eternity when you\u2019re in the middle of it.<\/p>\n It helps if you can take a problem solving, rather than a blaming, approach like we\u2019ve explored here. Enlist the help of your ex-spouse, and other professionals if you can. Keep being open, and let your child know you love them and want to see them.<\/p>\n As a trained family mediator and NLP (neuro linguistic processing) practitioner, as well as a High Conflict Diversion specialist, I am well equipped to help you navigate these tricky waters. Whether it\u2019s coming up with a communication strategy to keep things calm with your ex-spouse, or developing a workable parenting plan, I can help.<\/p>\n Just book in a free 30 minute consultation<\/a> and we can take it from there together.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Separation and divorce is often a confusing, scary time for children. In an ideal scenario, the children will have good quality contact with both parents. They will move between households smoothly, and feel safe and loved at both. You and your ex-spouse will work effectively as a co-parenting team, so the children experience consistent values […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17957,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12,582],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17956","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-children-and-divorce","category-divorce-support","category-high-conflict-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress-2.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4FC","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17956","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17956"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17956\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17956"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17956"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17956"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>Try to get the bottom of why<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
<\/span>Listen to your child<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Problem solve together<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Be firm but flexible<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>If you suspect abuse<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>If your child doesn\u2019t want to see you<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Want some help working out a plan?<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n