{"id":17960,"date":"2022-05-30T06:30:56","date_gmt":"2022-05-30T05:30:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=17960"},"modified":"2022-05-13T13:14:36","modified_gmt":"2022-05-13T12:14:36","slug":"navigating-holidays","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/navigating-holidays\/","title":{"rendered":"How to navigate holidaying with your wider family when you\u2019re getting divorced"},"content":{"rendered":"

Joint holidays with other members of your family: such as your parents, or siblings, always come with pros and cons. And when you\u2019re in the midst of divorce those pros and cons are turned up to the max. With summer just around the corner, here\u2019s how to navigate holidaying with your wider family when you\u2019re getting divorced.<\/p>\n

FIrst let\u2019s look at some of the common benefits and drawbacks, and how these are affected by your divorce.<\/p>\n

<\/span>The benefits of holidaying together<\/span><\/h2>\n

When it goes well, holidaying alongside family can be a delight. A chance to make memories together, and strengthen bonds. Here are some of the main benefits of joint holidays:<\/p>\n

<\/span>Connection<\/span><\/h3>\n

With two years of pandemic under our belts, many of us have missed out on time with loved ones. Whether it\u2019s birthdays, trips, or simply informal meet ups, so many opportunities to gather were lost. Holidaying together can be a wonderful way to restore connections, and for your children to get to know their grandparents, aunties or uncles.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Childcare<\/span><\/h3>\n

If you\u2019re a single parent, holidays can be full on! You\u2019re in charge all of the time. And, even more than at home, you feel the pressure to make it magical for your children. Holidaying with family can be a great way to share the load. With babysitters around you can sit and read a book or go for a walk at your own pace, in peace. And if you go with another family, your children have playmates on hand, so they\u2019re less likely to get bored.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Cost!<\/span><\/h3>\n

And, of course, in this cost of living crisis, holidays can be out of reach for many, unless we get creative. You can find tips for planning ahead and saving on your holiday here. One of the most obvious ways to save on the cost of accommodation is to share it. Booking a holiday cottage for 8 and splitting it with your brother is likely to be cheaper than you booking one just for you and your children.<\/p>\n

<\/span>The drawbacks of joint holidays<\/span><\/h2>\n

<\/span>Different expectations<\/span><\/h3>\n

One of the biggest problems in any joint holiday scenario is a clash of expectations. Maybe the other adults on holiday have different parenting styles to you. Maybe you and your children are early birds, and need to get out and about by 8am otherwise you know the whinging will start. And if you\u2019re with a family of night owls, or your retired parents who relish their slow mornings, it can be a difficult negotiation.<\/p>\n

Similarly, you might have different budgets. One group might be wanting to keep costs to an absolute minimum, with a focus on free entertainment and self catering. And the other is desperate to see all the attractions and try the local restaurants. Neither is right, or wrong, but it can be difficult if your wants and needs are far apart.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Old patterns emerging<\/span><\/h3>\n

If you holiday with people you grew up with: your parents, siblings, aunties or cousins, there\u2019s a likelihood old patterns will come back into play. Perhaps your mum will slip into wanting to take care of everyone, forgetting that you have children of your own and your own way of doing things. Perhaps you and your cousins will fall back into old resentments or political disagreements.<\/p>\n

Holidays can be particularly difficult because you tend to be together for longer than you\u2019re used to. If you have family visiting you for a weekend, you can bite your tongue until you wave them goodbye on a Sunday afternoon. But seven days together is more of a marathon. It\u2019s much more likely tempers will fray and disagreements boil over. Especially if you\u2019re feeling particularly tired and anxious about your divorce.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Uninvited opinions<\/span><\/h3>\n

And, of course, as the niceties wear thin, the uninvited opinions emerge. How you really should make sure Adam eats his broccoli otherwise he\u2019ll just eat junk and have a heart attack when he\u2019s 40. Or \u201cWe\u2019re on holiday and of course my grandchildren can have two ice creams a day.\u201d<\/p>\n

And, now, you\u2019re getting divorced, so people have all sorts of advice about that, too. Those evenings when the children are in bed, and what you really want is to stretch out with a book and a gin, enjoying the lovely view. But, instead, you have to explain yourself to your sister and hear about her colleague\u2019s messy divorce.<\/p>\n

<\/span>What\u2019s right for you?<\/span><\/h2>\n

So how do you decide if holidaying together is right for you this year? Well, the first thing to do is to take that question seriously. If you\u2019ve had an offer of a joint holiday and money is tight, or you feel like you\u2019ve not seen your relatives much, it can feel like an obvious \u2018yes!\u2019.<\/p>\n

But, pause for a moment. Agreeing to anything is a commitment. Is this a commitment you want to make? Is it worth it for you? It might be that you have a very easy relationship with your family, and you can be confident that even if there are a couple of messy moments, a holiday together will be lovely. Or it may be a harder call to make.<\/p>\n

Remember you don\u2019t owe it to anyone to put yourself into a difficult situation. If, on reflection, you think that holidaying together will be too stressful, it\u2019s fine to say no. It might be that you can organise alternatives: maybe meeting for a day trip, or even the children holidaying for a few days without you.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Set your holiday boundaries<\/span><\/h2>\n

If you do say yes, there are steps you can take in advance to increase the chances of a stress-free holiday. It can feel uncomfortable to lay down boundaries with people who\u2019ve known you since you were tiny, but you don\u2019t have to call them \u2018boundaries\u2019. When you agree to holiday together you can mention what\u2019s going on in your family, such as:<\/p>\n