However long your marriage lasted, it\u2019s been a deeply personal part of your identity. A way to describe yourself. So often in life we define ourselves by our relationships with others, or the roles we play: Steve\u2019s wife, Ava\u2019s mum, Jenny\u2019s sister, Pete\u2019s boss. How to rebuild your relationship with yourself starts with reflecting on where you’ve been.<\/p>\n
Marriage, in particular, has a way of seeping into the stories we tell about ourselves. We often make decisions for the good of the marriage, or our family, or our spouse. And that\u2019s not always a bad thing: life is full of give and take. But what about you? Here\u2019s how to rebuild your relationship with yourself when your marriage is over.<\/p>\n
Divorce is tough, stressful and emotional, there\u2019s no getting away from it. I\u2019m not going to pretend it\u2019s simple, or a fun personal development exercise. But, it does offer a real opportunity. It offers you the chance to shake off the shackles of your marriage.<\/p>\n
What do I mean by that? Well, I\u2019ve seen how women get stuck in patterns of behaviour in their marriage. For example, are any of these true for you?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve heard these things countless times from my clients over the years. Marriage gets you stuck in a rut, and you forget who you are. Don\u2019t get me wrong: none of those habits are wrong in themselves. It makes sense to divide tasks and do the ones you\u2019re better at. It might be that you really would have a good time on your birthday whatever you did. But if you find yourself doing the same things simply because that\u2019s how it\u2019s been in your marriage, now the time to reassess.<\/p>\n
Sometimes all it takes is a moment to pause. To step back from the daily routines. Of course, divorce forces you to!<\/p>\n
When you split with your partner, routines will change. Hopefully, you will live separately before too long. Even if you do still share a house, you will develop new ways of co-existing.<\/p>\n
Take a moment – maybe with a cup of tea or glass of wine. And list how you spend your time. Go over the last seven days. Which of your activities actually made you feel good? Which did you do because you had to (children need collecting from school and feeding, for example, there\u2019s no getting away from it!)? And which did you do simply because it\u2019s what you\u2019ve got used to doing?<\/p>\n
Now\u2019s the time to notice. And to start dialing up the \u2018feeling good\u2019 activities, and dialing down the \u2018because that\u2019s how it is\u2019 activities.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, even when we pause, we can feel so lost we have no idea who we are anymore. If that\u2019s you, I have some exercises to help you get back in touch with yourself.<\/p>\n
Think back to the woman you were when you first met your spouse. What were you doing with your life? How were you spending your time? What did you do for fun? How did you feel about yourself?<\/p>\n
Take a journal and list all the things you can remember about that woman, the one you once were.<\/p>\n
What do you see? You might see a vibrant, confident woman, with life ahead of her, full of possibilities. Or you might see an unsure, self-doubting young woman, not sure of her place in the world. Or there might be a bit of both: we are complex beings!<\/p>\n
Once you have your mental image of your younger self, think about what you\u2019d like to reconnect with. If she was a happy-go-lucky person, then there\u2019s no reason why you can\u2019t reconnect with that part of yourself. It might take time, but you know it\u2019s possible, because you\u2019ve been her before. Perhaps she liked to travel, and it\u2019s something you haven\u2019t done for years. Gather that wisdom from your younger self. Remind yourself of what\u2019s possible.<\/p>\n
Then take a look at how you\u2019ve grown since then. Perhaps your 20 year old self was full of insecurity, and you\u2019ve got a lot more sure of your own skin since then. Great! Recognise the areas you\u2019ve grown and developed, and be proud of them.<\/p>\n
The younger you can give you vital, helpful information. But she\u2019s not the whole picture. You\u2019re capable of so much more than you\u2019ve been in the past. So who do you want to be? How to rebuild your relationship with yourself is about deciding who you want to be going forward.<\/p>\n
This is where your future self can help you. Imagine yourself five years in the future. Don\u2019t think about details just yet, just know that your future self is living a fulfilled, happy life. Now, take your journal, and write yourself a letter from your future self. What does she have to tell you?<\/p>\n
The great thing about listening to your future self is that it\u2019s your inner wisdom talking. It\u2019s not some celebrity giving you advice. Your inner wisdom wants the best for you, and will only tell you things that will be relevant.<\/p>\n
Now\u2019s the time to connect with the person you want to be. Remember, you are rebuilding a relationship with yourself. Rome wasn\u2019t built in a day: every building project takes time, and commitment. Don\u2019t worry if you don\u2019t instantly feel different, or you feel resistance to doing new things.<\/p>\n
Remember, though, this is your life we\u2019re talking about. It\u2019s a cliche but you are worth it! Each day, do at least one thing for yourself, one thing that the person you want to be would be proud of. It could be anything, for example:<\/p>\n
Every time you take action like this, you place a brick in that new relationship with yourself.<\/p>\n
Doing this work is hard. It can be difficult to ask ourselves the powerful questions that get to the heart of our blocks. It can feel impossible to give ourselves permission. We can\u2019t see what\u2019s holding us back.<\/p>\n
I can. As a coach with nearly a decade of working with women during divorce, I can help you with so much more than the legal process. Divorce is tough, but it is also an opportunity. It\u2019s an opportunity to be the person you want to be. To shake off old patterns and beliefs, as you shake off the marriage that no longer serves you. I can walk with you on this path, helping you discover that fulfilled woman in charge of her own destiny. How to rebuild your relationship with yourself starts with you reconnecting with that woman. You know she\u2019s there, waiting for you.<\/p>\n
Want to see how I can help? Book in a free 30 minute consultation today<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" However long your marriage lasted, it\u2019s been a deeply personal part of your identity. A way to describe yourself. So often in life we define ourselves by our relationships with others, or the roles we play: Steve\u2019s wife, Ava\u2019s mum, Jenny\u2019s sister, Pete\u2019s boss. How to rebuild your relationship with yourself starts with reflecting on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17970,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"However long your marriage lasted, it\u2019s been a deeply personal part of your identity. A way to describe yourself. So often in life we define ourselves by our relationships with others, or the roles we play: Steve\u2019s wife, Ava\u2019s mum, Jenny\u2019s sister, Pete\u2019s boss. How to rebuild your relationship with yourself starts with reflecting on where you've been.\r\n\r\nMarriage, in particular, has a way of seeping into the stories we tell about ourselves. We often make decisions for the good of the marriage, or our family, or our spouse. And that\u2019s not always a bad thing: life is full of give and take. But what about you? Here\u2019s how to rebuild your relationship with yourself when your marriage is over.\r\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more<\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,20,12,2730],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17969","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-divorce-coaching","category-divorce-support","category-get-divorce-ready-posts"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4FP","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17969","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17969"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17969\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17970"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17969"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17969"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17969"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n
Has marriage ground you down?<\/h2>\r\nDivorce is tough, stressful and emotional, there\u2019s no getting away from it. I\u2019m not going to pretend it\u2019s simple, or a fun personal development exercise. But, it does offer a real opportunity. It offers you the chance to shake off the shackles of your marriage.\r\n\r\nWhat do I mean by that? Well, I\u2019ve seen how women get stuck in patterns of behaviour in their marriage. For example, are any of these true for you?\r\n
\r\n \t
Who are you now?<\/h2>\r\nSometimes all it takes is a moment to pause. To step back from the daily routines. Of course, divorce forces you to!\r\n\r\nWhen you split with your partner, routines will change. Hopefully, you will live separately before too long. Even if you do still share a house, you will develop new ways of co-existing.\r\n\r\nTake a moment - maybe with a cup of tea or glass of wine. And list how you spend your time. Go over the last seven days. Which of your activities actually made you feel good? Which did you do because you had to (children need collecting from school and feeding, for example, there\u2019s no getting away from it!)? And which did you do simply because it\u2019s what you\u2019ve got used to doing?\r\n\r\nNow\u2019s the time to notice. And to start dialing up the \u2018feeling good\u2019 activities, and dialing down the \u2018because that\u2019s how it is\u2019 activities.\r\n\r\nSometimes, even when we pause, we can feel so lost we have no idea who we are anymore. If that\u2019s you, I have some exercises to help you get back in touch with yourself.\r\n
Who did you used to be?<\/h2>\r\nThink back to the woman you were when you first met your spouse. What were you doing with your life? How were you spending your time? What did you do for fun? How did you feel about yourself?\r\n\r\nTake a journal and list all the things you can remember about that woman, the one you once were.\r\n\r\nWhat do you see? You might see a vibrant, confident woman, with life ahead of her, full of possibilities. Or you might see an unsure, self-doubting young woman, not sure of her place in the world. Or there might be a bit of both: we are complex beings!\r\n\r\nOnce you have your mental image of your younger self, think about what you\u2019d like to reconnect with. If she was a happy-go-lucky person, then there\u2019s no reason why you can\u2019t reconnect with that part of yourself. It might take time, but you know it\u2019s possible, because you\u2019ve been her before. Perhaps she liked to travel, and it\u2019s something you haven\u2019t done for years. Gather that wisdom from your younger self. Remind yourself of what\u2019s possible.\r\n\r\nThen take a look at how you\u2019ve grown since then. Perhaps your 20 year old self was full of insecurity, and you\u2019ve got a lot more sure of your own skin since then. Great! Recognise the areas you\u2019ve grown and developed, and be proud of them.\r\n
Who do you want to be?<\/h2>\r\nThe younger you can give you vital, helpful information. But she\u2019s not the whole picture. You\u2019re capable of so much more than you\u2019ve been in the past. So who do you want to be? How to rebuild your relationship with yourself is about deciding who you want to be going forward.\r\n\r\nThis is where your future self can help you. Imagine yourself five years in the future. Don\u2019t think about details just yet, just know that your future self is living a fulfilled, happy life. Now, take your journal, and write yourself a letter from your future self. What does she have to tell you?\r\n\r\nThe great thing about listening to your future self is that it\u2019s your inner wisdom talking. It\u2019s not some celebrity giving you advice. Your inner wisdom wants the best for you, and will only tell you things that will be relevant.\r\n
Step into the real you<\/h2>\r\nNow\u2019s the time to connect with the person you want to be. Remember, you are rebuilding a relationship with yourself. Rome wasn\u2019t built in a day: every building project takes time, and commitment. Don\u2019t worry if you don\u2019t instantly feel different, or you feel resistance to doing new things.\r\n\r\nRemember, though, this is your life we\u2019re talking about. It\u2019s a cliche but you are worth it! Each day, do at least one thing for yourself, one thing that the person you want to be would be proud of. It could be anything, for example:\r\n
\r\n \t
Want some help reconnecting with the powerful woman you want to be?<\/h2>\r\nDoing this work is hard. It can be difficult to ask ourselves the powerful questions that get to the heart of our blocks. It can feel impossible to give ourselves permission. We can\u2019t see what\u2019s holding us back.\r\n\r\nI can. As a coach with nearly a decade of working with women during divorce, I can help you with so much more than the legal process. Divorce is tough, but it is also an opportunity. It\u2019s an opportunity to be the person you want to be. To shake off old patterns and beliefs, as you shake off the marriage that no longer serves you. I can walk with you on this path, helping you discover that fulfilled woman in charge of her own destiny. How to rebuild your relationship with yourself starts with you reconnecting with that woman. You know she\u2019s there, waiting for you.\r\n\r\nWant to see how I can help? Book in a free 30 minute consultation today<\/a>.\r\n\r\n \r\n
About Emma<\/h2>\r\n