One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is that you can\u2019t control what your ex-spouse does. You can\u2019t control how they navigate the process from their side. And you can\u2019t control how they parent either. But what can you do? You can do your best to keep your divorce on track. And you can be aware of common triggers for their behaviour. Here\u2019s how to understand your ex as you divorce.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s important to remember that from their perspective, their behaviour has a positive intent. It might seem completely illogical, even malicious to you. But in one way or another, it will make sense to them. Does that make it right? No. But it can often help you stay grounded if you recognise this. Which means your divorce is less likely to be derailed. Let\u2019s look at three common scenarios my clients share about their divorces.<\/p>\n
This is a common complaint among my clients. And it\u2019s one of the most confusing aspects of divorce. It\u2019s hard if you were hoping for an amicable, smooth divorce and your ex-spouse is creating waves every step of the way. You just want the divorce done, and it\u2019s frustrating when you can see them blocking it at every turn.<\/p>\n
Why is this happening? As narcissism becomes more well-known, more women are spotting high conflict traits in their divorce. But don\u2019t be too quick to leap to a diagnosis. It may be that your ex-spouse is operating from a place of fear and shame, and they are doing their best to wrest control back.<\/p>\n
They are having an episode of manipulative, childish behaviour, but it doesn\u2019t mean they will be like it forever. They are wounded, and showing it. Of course, that doesn\u2019t make it any easier to live with while it\u2019s happening! But if you can hold your line and weather the storm, there\u2019s every chance it will pass.<\/p>\n
For others, it may be that your ex-spouse does have a high conflict personality. They had a pattern of manipulating you and others to get what they wanted during the marriage – though perhaps you didn\u2019t see it at the time. They thrive on drama. And they must win at all costs.<\/p>\n
Whether your chaos is temporary or permanent, there are a few tried and tested approaches that can help. Bill Eddy, founder of the High Conflict Institute recommends using a BIFF method. Keep your communication:<\/p>\n
Brief:<\/strong> don\u2019t give them ammunition. Stick to talking and writing about what\u2019s necessary If you do suspect you are in a high conflict divorce, you can read more about communication here<\/a>.<\/p>\n What if your ex-spouse is presenting options coolly and calmly? They come across as the voice of reason. They aren\u2019t yelling about \u2018taking you to the cleaners\u2019 or \u2018taking the children off you\u2019. But they are convinced they are absolutely right and know more about finances and the way your divorce should go.<\/p>\n Firstly, this is infuriating, I hear you! And patronising. For a moment, though, let\u2019s assume the most positive intent. Your ex-spouse isn\u2019t trying to belittle you, they genuinely believe they have the right answers to the smoothest way through your divorce.<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t mean they are right! And it\u2019s still a form of control. But it does mean it might be possible to reach a mutually agreeable solution without screaming at each other.<\/p>\n Again, managing them through communication is key. If they believe they are right, you can work with that. Lean into your points of agreement, and use them as leverage to work on the issues you disagree on. A tactic to avoid is cornering your spouse.<\/p>\n If it\u2019s important to them that they\u2019re right, you absolutely don\u2019t want to get into the game of proving them wrong! It might be temporarily satisfying, but it\u2019s likely to prolong your divorce proceedings as they find another point to \u2018win\u2019.<\/p>\n Just as with BIFF communication: be friendly but hold firm. They may insist they know what\u2019s best. They don\u2019t. You have every right to do your own research, whether that\u2019s self-led, with me, with a solicitor or all three!<\/p>\n Sometimes this doesn\u2019t come as a surprise. If you\u2019ve been the main caregiver for your children, it\u2019s not going to be a huge shock when your spouse doesn\u2019t know that gymnastics is on a Wednesday evening, or Daisy won\u2019t eat carrots.<\/p>\n Often, though, my clients underestimate just how much they\u2019ve been holding their whole family together. They\u2019ve got used to carrying the emotional burden. They\u2019re adept at arranging birthday parties, providing the after-school taxi service and knowing just how to get the three year old out the door without meltdowns. And they don\u2019t even realise they\u2019re doing anything special.<\/p>\n If that\u2019s you, and you\u2019ve not heard this before, listen now.<\/p>\n You\u2019re a hero. You have been the glue that held your family together for so long, and no-one\u2019s noticed, not even you! But you can\u2019t carry two households all by yourself.<\/p>\n Your separation means it\u2019s time for your ex-spouse to step up. They will soon learn that Rosie will only wear the blue shoes, or needs the pink giraffe to go to sleep. It may be a little bumpy while they do. Aim for patience. It is infuriating that your soon-to-be-ex has been clueless for all this time. But keep your end goal in mind: divorce for you and peaceful, happy parenting for your children. Neither of those goals are served by belittling or point scoring.<\/p>\n So, be helpful – without offering to do it all yourself! And make peace with the fact that your ex-spouse won\u2019t parent in exactly the same way as you. I highly recommend you draw up a parenting plan, ideally with the help of a family mediator<\/a>.<\/p>\n Your plan can cover everything from the principles on which you both agree to parent, to rules around bedtime, food, TV etc. You can read more about parenting plans here<\/a>. It\u2019s helpful to have consistency across both parents. But don\u2019t worry if that doesn\u2019t happen: your children will adjust to different rules in their different homes.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re thinking, \u2018I\u2019m sick of being nice when they are acting like an idiot!\u2019, know that I hear you. I really do. It\u2019s not fair that you\u2019re the one taking the high ground while they are waving their ego around. And, by all means, rant to me, or trusted friends, or the ladies in The Absolute Academy<\/a>.<\/p>\n But please keep the big picture in mind. Ultimately, you want out of this marriage. You want as peaceful and straightforward a transition as possible. Especially if there are children involved, because you\u2019ll have to keep communicating about them after the divorce.<\/p>\n So joining in with the power games, the point scoring, the blaming, will not help you. Your goal is beyond all that – it\u2019s your freedom. So you need to be strategic. You can\u2019t control everything, you certainly can\u2019t control (or always predict) what your ex-spouse will do. But you can be wise about the moves you make.<\/p>\n I can help you figure out what you want and need from your divorce. And, as a trained neuro linguistic processing (NLP) master practitioner, coach and high conflict diversion specialist, I can share communication techniques that make it more likely you\u2019ll get it too.<\/p>\n Divorce isn\u2019t a game. Not should it be a battle. But it does need a strategy. You need to know where you want to be at the end of it. And you need to plan a route to get there. It\u2019s a hard path on your own. Book in a call with me today<\/a>, and see how I can walk it with you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is that you can\u2019t control what your ex-spouse does. You can\u2019t control how they navigate the process from their side. And you can\u2019t control how they parent either. But what can you do? You can do your best to keep your divorce on track. And you can […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17972,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2736,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17971","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-divorce-conflict","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress-1-1.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4FR","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17971","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17971"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17971\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17972"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17971"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17971"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17971"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nInformative:<\/strong> stick to the facts, don\u2019t get into feelings talk
\nFriendly:<\/strong> you don\u2019t have to be a doormat, but showing a little warmth is likely to help you get a more positive outcome
\nFirm:<\/strong> this is about setting boundaries and ending the conversation. For example, you could use closed \u2018yes\/no\u2019 questions rather than open ones.<\/p>\n<\/span>\u2018They say they want to be reasonable, but it\u2019s only on their terms\u2019<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>\u2018They don\u2019t understand the children\u2019s needs at all\u2019<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Why should I have to be reasonable when they aren\u2019t?!<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Plan your strategy<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n