It\u2019s such a deep sense of relief when you make the decision to leave. Usually it was a long time coming: you\u2019ve put up with an unhealthy marriage for far too long. And it\u2019s right to feel that sense of freedom and relief.<\/p>\n
But if you have children, it\u2019s not the end of your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex. You still have to navigate parenting, whether collaboratively or in parallel. And one of the biggest challenges arises when your children\u2019s relationship with their other parent is difficult. It causes a lot of heartache all round. In this blog we look at what you can do to support your children when they aren\u2019t getting on with their other parent.<\/p>\n
Before we get into the whys, wherefores and what-to-dos, let\u2019s get the foundations right. Supporting your children when they aren\u2019t getting on with their other parent is all about doing what’s best for them. Your children. Not you. Not your ex-spouse.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s totally human to feel a whole range of things when this situation occurs. For example, you might feel:<\/p>\n
Or any variation of these, plus more. If you are secretly feeling a sense of triumph that your children are choosing you, don\u2019t beat yourself up. It\u2019s a human response, especially at a time like divorce. But. Keep it to yourself. Acknowledge it and move on.<\/p>\n
The focus here is on your children\u2019s needs. Not about proving yourself, or humiliating your ex-spouse. And in the court\u2019s view, unless there are safeguarding concerns (which we shall come to later), children have the right to a relationship with both parents. This isn\u2019t about point-scoring, it\u2019s about helping the children to have the parental relationships they are entitled to – even if they are pushing one of you away.<\/p>\n
Watch how you speak about your ex-spouse around your children. Are you subconsciously (or even deliberately) leaking anger or anxiety when you talk about them? Remember, your children aren\u2019t pawns in your divorce. It\u2019s important they know that the end of the marriage is nothing to do with them. They aren\u2019t to blame, and they don\u2019t need to take sides. Their parents have separated because it was for the best, but the children are still loved 100%.<\/p>\n
If you are speaking disparagingly about your ex-spouse around your children, you are forcing them to choose. You are making their life harder.<\/p>\n
There are so many reasons why your child may be struggling. We covered some of them in this recent blog about why your child might not want to see their other parent. The reasons can usually be grouped into two main themes: your child\u2019s emotional struggles and their other parent\u2019s behaviour. And of course, the two may collide. Let\u2019s look at each of them in turn:<\/p>\n
Divorce is a turbulent time for children. And that turbulence can show itself in all sorts of ways. From acting out of character at school, to pushing one or both parents away. The important thing to bear in mind here is that it isn\u2019t personal. It isn\u2019t a long term rejection. It\u2019s your child feeling powerless, and using the power they have to express their feelings – in a child-like way. If this is the case for your child, the answer lies in boundaries and listening. We\u2019ll go into this in more detail later in this blog.<\/p>\n
It may be that your ex-spouse has done something to annoy, scare or worry your child. This can be something tiny and seemingly insignificant like using different washing powder, so your child doesn\u2019t feel like it\u2019s home. Or it can be a more sustained habit of not meeting your child\u2019s needs: maybe your child is being ignored or shouted at. If this is the case, the answers lie in supporting your child and trying to facilitate a better situation with their other parent. You don\u2019t need me to tell you that this can be tricky.<\/p>\n
Before we go any further, let\u2019s consider safety. The safety question is not straightforward, sadly. You may feel that your ex-spouse\u2019s actions are harmful or unsafe. What you think is a safety concern may well not be the perspective of social services, CAFCASS, school or the police. The framework is the concept of ‘good-enough’ parenting and that standard may fall well below the standards you might set for yourself and your children. The sad fact is that social services and CAFCASS are understaffed and overwhelmed. They don’t have the capacity to work with everyone.<\/p>\n
That doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t take action. Document everything you are worried about, with dates, and evidence (for example: photos, screenshots of messages, eyewitness accounts from other people). Keep a good record.<\/p>\n
Depending on your situation, it may be wise to contact your ex-spouse, and raise your concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Focus on your child and opening up a conversation, rather than blame. For example, you might say:<\/p>\n
\u2018Chloe told me she\u2019s worried about Saturday. What do you think we can do to make it easier for her?\u2019<\/em> rather than This gives your ex-spouse a chance to address the situation without feeling cornered. And if you can keep the communication blame-free, it can help you both put strategies together.<\/p>\n If you have concerns, contact social services. They will be able to advise you on your situation and strategies you can use, even if they don\u2019t investigate themselves. For example, they may signpost you to family mediation services, parenting plan toolkits and third party communication apps such as Our Family Wizard<\/a>.<\/p>\n The most important thing you can do for your children is to build trust. Make it safe for them to trust you, and, if possible, their other parent.<\/p>\n How do you do this? First and foremost, by listening and validating. Give them your attention, and the space to tell you what they are worried about. This might not happen immediately, so give them space, and let them know you are there for them. Treat whatever they say seriously, even if it doesn\u2019t feel like a big deal to you.<\/p>\n Set the problem out as something you can solve together. For example, you can say things like:<\/p>\n \u2018So you don\u2019t enjoy being with daddy right now. What can we do to make it better?\u2019<\/em> or<\/p>\n \u2018I know you\u2019re not enjoying time with Mummy Sarah, but she loves you very much. And it\u2019s important that you can have fun with both of us. What can we do to help?\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n Listen to their answers. It might be that what they want isn\u2019t possible. You\u2019re not going to get back with your ex-spouse, however much your children say they hate their dad\u2019s house! But it might be that you can make the other house more comfortable for them: maybe they could take some of their favourite toys and clothes there, or get duplicates. In all things, look for workable solutions, and let them be part of it, rather than impose your own ideas.<\/p>\n If the situation with their other parent isn\u2019t ideal, focus on building their resilience and being a safe space. Let them know you\u2019re there for them, no matter what. And that whatever the toxic parent says or does is about the parent, not the child. Show their child they are unconditionally loved by you. That doesn\u2019t mean tolerating bad behaviour, but it does mean setting your boundaries lovingly.<\/p>\n If your child needs extra support, see if you can get pastoral support at school involved, or a private therapist. Your child may respond more readily to a trained impartial ear, rather than you. This has the added advantage of providing extra weight to your claims if you do need to apply for or amend a Child Arrangement Order, or get social services involved.<\/p>\n When divorce hurts your children, you get emotional. And quite often that emotion paralyses you from thinking clearly, or moving forward. If you need help getting through this turbulent time, whether it\u2019s about communication strategies with your ex-spouse, or parenting strategies to support your child, I\u2019m here to help.<\/p>\n I offer a whole range of 1:1 services so we can get straight to the heart of your unique situation and what matters to you right now.<\/p>\n Just book in a call<\/a> and let\u2019s see how I can help you.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" If you have children, it\u2019s not the end of your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex. You still have to navigate parenting, whether collaboratively or in parallel. 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\n\u2018You need to stop bringing your friends around to watch the football every weekend, you\u2019re neglecting the children!\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n<\/span>Work with your children<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Need help building a strategy?<\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n