There are usually two main flashpoints in divorce: money and children. When the two collide, it\u2019s even more explosive. In this week\u2019s blog we look at how to manage your emotions when your soon-to-be-ex is driving you money mad.<\/p>\n
Most financial disputes fall into one of three main categories: and there can be a whole range of behaviours at play in each of them. Does any of this sound familiar?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
When you\u2019re in the middle of divorce it\u2019s easy to assume the worst. It\u2019s normal to jump to the conclusion that they\u2019re being obstructive with money because they are playing games, or want to hurt you. But that\u2019s not always the case. And if you assume it is from the start, you risk blowing the situation up into something very nasty.<\/p>\n
Sometimes your soon-to-be-ex will be making irrational or insensitive money decisions because they are being thoughtless. Remember, we all have our money stories. You can read all about how to understand and change your own money story here.<\/a><\/p>\n If your ex-spouse is a man, or was the main breadwinner in your marriage, it\u2019s likely they will have some strong conditioning about being the provider. This carries with it a sense of responsibility, and often a sense of \u2018being in charge\u2019. Is this fair, or accurate? No! You don\u2019t have to stand for it. But it isn\u2019t the same thing as them being manipulative or systematically controlling. So you need to know, are they being clueless or controlling? You\u2019ll need a different strategy for each.<\/p>\n So how can you tell what\u2019s driving their behaviour? Ask yourself:<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve answered yes to these questions, it\u2019s more likely that you\u2019re dealing with a controlling spouse. Of course, this isn\u2019t a diagnosis! Every situation is different. But, in general, a high conflict, controlling spouse will have exhibited similar behaviour within the marriage. If they have suddenly become more irrational or angry in their behaviour, it\u2019s more likely they are reacting immaturely to the divorce.<\/p>\n Two types of behaviour fall under the category of clueless: \u2018thoughtless\u2019 and \u2018wounded\u2019.<\/p>\n If your soon-to-be-ex is being thoughtless, chances are it hasn\u2019t crossed their mind that their actions are having a negative impact on you. It might be that they are spending money according to their budget, not to out-spend you or try to buy your children\u2019s favour, simply because that\u2019s the budget they have. They might be giving you financial advice out of a genuine sense that they know what\u2019s best. It doesn\u2019t make it right, but it does mean it\u2019s more likely you can address it sensitively without the situation escalating.<\/p>\n Aim to keep your communication calm, and neutral. Assume the best of your ex-spouse, and approach the situation as a problem to be solved, not as an issue to be fought over. You could raise the issue by saying something like:<\/p>\n \u2018It\u2019s lovely that you bought Sophia dinner and ice cream at the pub after swimming last week, but she now wants me to do that every time too and I can\u2019t afford it. Can we agree to some guidelines so she doesn\u2019t get confused?\u2019<\/em> If your partner is feeling wounded by your separation, it\u2019s more likely they are deliberately lashing out. They might want to get their own back by spending lots of money on your children, or withholding information so you can\u2019t agree to a fair financial settlement.<\/p>\n If this is the case, you need to tread carefully. In many cases, once the dust has settled, as long as you keep your boundaries firm, they will come around. Again, the key is in communication. You don\u2019t want them to feel cornered, so they feel the need to attack even more. Keep being reasonable, but not giving any ground. Once they have had time to accept the reality of your separation and divorce, they may well be more reasonable. If that\u2019s not the case, follow the advice I outline below.<\/p>\n If they are being controlling with their money decisions, then this isn\u2019t about money at all, it\u2019s about control. For them, money is simply the most convenient or most powerful (or both) way to exert control. So what can you do?<\/p>\n For most divorces, coming to agreement via mediation is the healthiest and most cost-effective way to reach resolution. That\u2019s not the case with a high conflict personality. They\u2019re not interested in resolution, they are interested in winning. Even more, they are interested in proving they are right. So get some expertise on your side if you can afford it. And if you can\u2019t, create some distance. Don\u2019t enter into negotiations, and insist on communicating via email. Keep email threads separate and clear. Start your emails with a brief summary of what was said in the last email with the time and date sent.<\/p>\n Keep your communication brief and unemotional. Don\u2019t give them unnecessary information or an insight into how this is affecting you. Seek support from trusted friends and family so you can vent. Work with a therapist if need be. Your health and wellbeing are precious. Remember less often is more.<\/p>\n If they are claiming you have more money that you do, or they have less than they do, then evidence is your friend. Keep records of all your financial dealings, as well as any communication pertaining to them. If you go to court you will have an opportunity to respond to their financial disclosure. You can read more about what\u2019s involved in financial disclosure and how to query theirs on this blog<\/a>.<\/p>\n Ultimately, if they are intent on twisting the narrative to serve themselves, you won\u2019t be able to change that. All you can do is be yourself. Stand up for yourself, live and act in line with your values and get the evidence around you to support your case. Don\u2019t be tempted to sink to their level – this won\u2019t look good in court, and isn\u2019t good for your long-term future either, however satisfying it might feel in the short-term.<\/p>\n Are you struggling to understand why your ex-spouse is behaving like this? Or wondering what to do about it? I can help you dive into the specifics of your divorce, empowering you with strategies that will work for your unique case. And at the same time helping you navigate your own emotional journey, so you can stand strong, whatever is thrown at you.<\/p>\n Book a free consultation<\/a> with me today, and let\u2019s see how I can support you.<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There are usually two main flashpoints in divorce: money and children. When the two collide, it\u2019s even more explosive. In this week\u2019s blog we look at how to manage your emotions when your soon-to-be-ex is driving you money mad.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17980,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2736,59,12,582,2704,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17979","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-conflict","category-divorce-finances","category-divorce-support","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-high-net-worth-divorce","category-thinking-about-a-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/05\/Blog-Image-Templates-for-WordPress-4-1.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4FZ","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17979","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17979"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17979\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17980"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
<\/span>If they\u2019re being clueless with their money decisions<\/span><\/h3>\n
\nOr:
\n\u2018Thanks for sending me those figures. I\u2019ve got an accountant to help me, so there\u2019s no need. It would be good for us to talk about a parenting plan, can we get a date in the diary to do that?\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n<\/span>If they\u2019re being controlling with their money decisions<\/span><\/h3>\n
<\/span>Avoid negotiating directly<\/span><\/h4>\n
<\/span>Don\u2019t give them ammunition<\/span><\/h4>\n
<\/span>Keep detailed records<\/span><\/h4>\n
<\/span>Focus on your area of control<\/span><\/h4>\n
<\/span>Let me help you plan<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n