{"id":17998,"date":"2022-08-08T06:30:06","date_gmt":"2022-08-08T05:30:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=17998"},"modified":"2022-08-05T12:32:51","modified_gmt":"2022-08-05T11:32:51","slug":"what-does-a-good-divorce-look-like-emotionally","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/what-does-a-good-divorce-look-like-emotionally\/","title":{"rendered":"What Does A Good Divorce Look Like, Emotionally?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another fabulous guest blog this week, from Cady Pearce, a Senior Associate at legal firm Kingsley Napier. Cady is a specialist in private family legal matters, particularly when it comes to cases involving high conflict. She cares deeply about making her clients\u2019 lives better, and has been acclaimed as \u2018a star of the future\u2019 by Legal 500. I echo this accolade, and would add she is also absolutely a star of the present! In this blog she shares the factors that make up a \u2018good divorce\u2019 according to a range of professionals and clients.<\/em><\/p>\n

According to the \u2018Holmes and Rahe stress scale\u2019, divorce is the second most stressful life event after the death of a spouse. Marital separation is third.<\/p>\n

In 1967, two psychiatrists, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, surveyed 5,000 medical patients to study whether stress contributed to illness. They asked the patients about 43 different life events, each of which had a different weight for stress. The higher a patient\u2019s overall score, and the greater the weight of the individual events, the more likely that patient was to become ill.<\/p>\n

Times have changed since 1967 but it is still generally accepted that, for many people, divorce is one of the most stressful life events you can experience. It can make you feel as though many of the most important parts of your life are out of control. So how can you have a \u2018good\u2019 divorce emotionally? Is it possible?<\/p>\n

I spoke to a therapist, a divorce coach and clients about what they think a \u2018good\u2019 divorce looks like when it comes to the emotional side of things.<\/p>\n

<\/span>The therapist\u2019s view<\/span><\/h2>\n

Annmarie Carvalho, integrative counsellor and founder of The Carvalho Consultancy, is an expert on the emotional side of divorce. Before training as a counsellor, Annmarie worked as a family lawyer for many years and she now delivers training to lawyers on the emotional experiences of clients going through a divorce.<\/p>\n

Annmarie had this to say: \u201cIt might seem a contradiction to some people; the idea of a \u2018good\u2019 divorce. I think it\u2019s easier to explain by saying what it doesn\u2019t mean, rather than what it does. For me, a \u2018good\u2019 divorce doesn\u2019t necessarily mean an absence of anger and tension. It doesn\u2019t mean that the people involved won\u2019t feel grief and feelings of loss. No, for me, a \u2018good\u2019 divorce is one where those involved are able to have those feelings, to experience the ups and downs, to recognise the feelings and learn to manage them (often with support from lawyers, mediators, therapists and coaches). In fact, I would get a little concerned if someone going through such a life change said they didn\u2019t feel sad or get angry with their ex at times, particularly where children are involved and so there are more possibilities for disagreement and high emotion.<\/em><\/p>\n

If parents are able to recognise and attend to the losses involved, then they will be better placed to support any children involved. If parents don\u2019t recognise that there has been a break and a loss and talk to their children about this then the children will be confused because the way the situation is being described to them does not fit with their own feelings and their own experience.<\/em><\/p>\n

Finally, I would say a \u2018good\u2019 divorce is one that is handled by professionals who take a holistic approach. Lawyers should be able to advise their clients, not only on the \u2018best\u2019 outcome in legal terms but also to recognise and talk to their clients about the emotional and psychological costs and benefits of any course of action. I\u2019m not suggesting that all family lawyers need to become trained therapists. But the job of a family lawyer is about more than black letter law and it\u2019s a crucial aspect of the job that the lawyer be able to advise in a psychologically and emotionally-informed way\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/span>The coach\u2019s view<\/span><\/h2>\n

Emma Heptonstall, divorce coach, provides practical and emotional support to those considering, going through or recovering from a divorce. I asked Emma what she thought the main challenges were for clients who want to try and have a \u2018good\u2019 divorce and how these can be overcome. Emma said:<\/p>\n

\u201cA \u2018good\u2019 divorce is always a matter of perspective but most people hope to have one. When clients describe what this means to them it usually involves: a good co-parenting relationship; a \u2018fair\u2019 financial settlement; and not \u2018wasting money\u2019 on professional fees.<\/em><\/p>\n

Often the biggest challenge clients face is accepting they aren\u2019t going to have the divorce they would like to. That isn\u2019t because all divorces are awful \u2013 it\u2019s just that even a fairly amicable divorce can be challenging at times because we are all human. Feelings of grief, anger and sadness \u2013 because a spouse isn\u2019t child-focused or doesn\u2019t want to be open financially – are hard. One of the biggest parts of my work is supporting clients to accept the reality of their situation. A \u2018good\u2019 divorce can come from accepting the situation as it really is.<\/em><\/p>\n

In my view, a \u2018good\u2019 divorce cannot be defined by a settlement figure or a \u2018perfect\u2019 parenting plan. A good divorce is all about how it feels for you, the client. How you feel about divorce is huge. You live with the financial consequences but it\u2019s not just about money: you have to live with yourself forever. Professionals can help guide you with therapy, coaching, legal and financial advice but ultimately only you can decide what a good divorce looks like for you. It is you who will remember the actions you took and the ones you didn\u2019t, the things you said and the things you maybe wish you hadn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

If you are in a high conflict divorce, a \u2018good\u2019 divorce might be one where boundaries are developed and enforced. It might be a divorce where you feel empowered to say no or hold out for a settlement that works for you and your family. It might be a separation where, no matter what follows, you feel proud of the fact that you were able to leave something which no longer worked with your head held high.<\/em><\/p>\n

Is a \u2018good\u2019 divorce easy? I don\u2019t think so: divorce is not often easy. But you can divorce in a way that you can feel proud of: a way that is as \u2018good\u2019 as possible for you and your children\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/span>What clients say<\/span><\/h2>\n

When asked what a good divorce looks like emotionally, here are some things clients have said:<\/p>\n