Too many of my clients have a big, hidden struggle when it comes to divorce. Bigger than what to do about the children. Bigger than how to agree finances. They can\u2019t accept they are in a high conflict marriage. They have spent years living with the behaviour patterns of a high conflict personality, and they have normalised it. The price of this is enormous, and I don\u2019t just mean financially. In this blog we look at the costs of denying you\u2019re in a high conflict relationship. And I\u2019ll share how you can start to reverse the damage.<\/p>\n
So what can happen if you\u2019re in a high conflict separation and don\u2019t recognise it?<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s start with the practicalities. If you\u2019re separating from a high conflict personality and you don\u2019t recognise it, the chances are you will do less well financially. And if you have children, it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll get a less favourable arrangement for them as well. Why? Because you are not operating from the same set of rules.<\/p>\n
In standard divorces, even when things get heated, the dynamics are usually such that you have equal power. Yes, your soon-to-be-ex might be a weasel. They may fly off the handle or not play fair. But they won\u2019t have a pattern of systematically trying to get one over on you at every turn.<\/p>\n
In a high conflict relationship it\u2019s all about power. It\u2019s not really about money, or about access to the children. It\u2019s about winning. And someone with a high conflict personality type cannot bear to be in the wrong, or to lose. It\u2019s catastrophic for them.<\/p>\n
But that doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s obvious. If you\u2019re used to being persuaded to their way of thinking (and high conflict types are gold medal manipulators) then you can find yourself agreeing to their \u2018reasonable\u2019 terms. Or, if they do get nasty with you, they may well be all charm and logic to everyone else. It\u2019s confusing, and disorientating, and if you\u2019re not prepared, it can cost you, big time. You\u2019ll find yourself sleepwalking into an arrangement that is entirely stacked in their favour.<\/p>\n
More importantly than anything else, not seeing your high conflict ex for who they are will rip shreds into your self worth. They will already have done a number on you. How many times have you been blamed for something that wasn\u2019t your fault? Or made to feel stupid, either through namecalling or being ignored? How many times have you been made out to be the aggressor, while you\u2019re sure it wasn\u2019t like that?<\/p>\n
These patterns of behaviour are all typical of a high conflict personality – you can read more about them here<\/a>. And because they build up over time, you can find yourself isolated and weakened without any understanding of how you got there.<\/p>\n Damage will already have been done. It\u2019s repairable: we\u2019ll take a look at how in a moment. But it\u2019s only repairable if you see what\u2019s happening for what it is – a high conflict personality manipulating you. If you don\u2019t recognise that, you\u2019ll continue to feel confused, to think of yourself as incapable and weak. When the reality is, that\u2019s not who you are at all.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve normalised the dynamic between you and your soon-to-be-ex, then it sets the model for future relationships. As I\u2019ve said, high conflict behaviours can be subtle. They won\u2019t necessarily be shouting at you all the time. The abuse won\u2019t necessarily be physical. But they will derail you. They will blame you, leaving you questioning your sanity. They will often jump between extreme emotions: bursting into tears or showing excessively demonstrative affection could happen as much as angry episodes erupting out of nowhere.<\/p>\n If you don\u2019t recognise their behaviours as high conflict, they can appear loving. Of course they want the best for you, you will tell yourself. Of course they\u2019re entitled to get upset. That\u2019s what love looks like. And, before you know it, you\u2019ve landed yourself with another high conflict partner, and the pattern repeats.<\/p>\n If you have realised your soon-to-be-ex is a high conflict personality, do not panic. Yes, it will make divorce more complicated. But you can move forward from here, and the good news is that recognising your situation for what it is means you can take action.<\/p>\n The first thing to do is gift yourself a heap of compassion. I know from years of working with clients that soon after they realise what their spouse is, the self-flagellation starts:<\/p>\n \u2018Why didn\u2019t I realise sooner?\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n \u2018How could I let them take advantage of me?\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n \u2018I thought I was smarter than this!\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n \u2018So many years wasted on that creep!\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n Acknowledge these thoughts and let them go. They do not help, and they aren\u2019t fair. Anyone can find themselves in a high conflict relationship: any age, any gender, any education-level. Other people\u2019s bad behaviour is not your fault. You are not stupid. Please remember that.<\/p>\n Think about what support you need to deal with this new realisation. Do you need support to process trauma? This is where trained professionals come in. Friends, family and facebook groups of others in your position can offer sympathy, but they are not equipped to help you deal with trauma. Their advice and interventions may lead to trauma bonds, keeping you stuck. Specialist therapies such as EMDR are worth investigating.<\/p>\n You will need a good solicitor. Make sure the person you hire has worked with high conflict before. They will need to understand the need for clear boundaries and how to de-escalate communication that might otherwise spiral into expensive distractions.<\/p>\n Your soon-to-be-ex won\u2019t play fair when it comes to finances. They want to win, and money provides a way to exert control. If you have the resources, and the assets in your marriage warrant it, get a financial adviser. It\u2019s so important to be clear on the numbers. Your soon-to-be-ex will do whatever they can to shirk their responsibilities – they won\u2019t even see that they are doing anything wrong. Keep things practical and leave emotion out of it.<\/p>\n Awareness is so important for taking charge of your divorce. And you will need to take charge. Going with the flow is never a good idea in divorce, but it\u2019s especially disastrous when it comes to high conflict divorce.<\/p>\n I\u2019m trained in high conflict diversion. That means I can help you understand your position and strategise. Your strategy isn\u2019t only about the practical outcomes you want, it\u2019s about developing the emotional tools you need to communicate with your soon-to-be-ex over the coming months (and beyond if you have children). These are strategies for life. When you work with me you\u2019ll stay grounded and accountable. That means you\u2019ll move forward, and whatever your soon-to-be-ex throws at you, you\u2019ll manage it. I\u2019ll be by your side.<\/p>\n Book in your free 1:1 call today<\/a>, and let’s get this high conflict relationship out of your present and firmly in the past!<\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Too many of my clients have a big, hidden struggle when it comes to divorce. Bigger than what to do about the children. Bigger than how to agree finances. They can\u2019t accept they are in a high conflict marriage. 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<\/span>\u00a0My spouse is high conflict – what now?!<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>Divert high conflict before it takes root<\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/h2>\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n