If your spouse is a high conflict personality type, buckle up. Your divorce, unfortunately, will be a bumpy ride. But it\u2019s a journey worth making: the rest of your life awaits. In this blog I share the potential pitfalls of divorcing a high conflict person, compared with a more standard divorce, and what you need to put in place to ensure the process is as smooth as possible. Read on for more on how you can plan to divorce your high conflict spouse.<\/p>\n
If it\u2019s safe to do so, get your ducks in a row before you leave. I understand this may feel tortuous, that once you\u2019ve decided your marriage is over you just want to get on with it. But planning first has many benefits, especially when it comes to high conflict personalities.<\/p>\n
In my decades of supporting clients through marriage, I\u2019ve seen so many women leave in a rush, and then return, often for years more of unhappy marriage before leaving again. They plucked up the courage to go, and thought it was best to get it done. But the adrenaline that motivates a rushed decision will fizzle out. And in its place you\u2019ll be left feeling lost and out of options. Leaving your high conflict ex with all the power.<\/p>\n
Taking your time means you will be prepared. It means you can:<\/p>\n
In amicable divorce mediation is usually the best option. It means you and your soon-to-be-ex can be supported to agree to a settlement that feels fair to both of you. It\u2019s usually less costly and time-consuming than going via court.<\/p>\n
In high conflict divorce it\u2019s likely that mediation will not work. High conflict personalities aren\u2019t looking for resolution, or fairness. They are looking to win. You could find yourself wasting many hours going round in circles, or despairing at the convoluted justifications and word salad your soon-to-be-ex comes up with.<\/p>\n
But that doesn\u2019t mean mediation can\u2019t be helpful. It can give you an insight into your soon-to-be-ex\u2019s thought patterns and assumptions. Enter into mediation with guarded politeness. Don\u2019t give too much away, and spend most of your time listening. Make a note of what they want, and what their knowledge about your marital assets is. Does it match yours? Have they given you new information?<\/p>\n
If you can reach agreement through mediation – great. It\u2019s not impossible. Just be careful to make sure you\u2019re happy with the terms. Don\u2019t let yourself be manipulated or railroaded into anything that you\u2019ll regret further down the line. A mediator will hold the space for you, but ultimately the decision whether to agree is yours. You have a right to say no.<\/p>\n
If your soon-to-be-ex refuses to engage in mediation, or if it doesn\u2019t work, move on. Your solicitor can ask for financial disclosure to inform a settlement. Without a court order these disclosures are voluntary, so they may not arrive. And if they do they may not contain full information. High conflict personalities are experts at deflecting, projecting and muddying the waters, leaving you confused and exhausted.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t be afraid to start court proceedings. If we think of people as carrot people: motivated by lovely things in the future, wanting to do things with minimal pain, and stick people: only acting when absolutely compelled to (unless it\u2019s their own agenda), high conflict types are definitely stick people!<\/p>\n
They will only act if forced to do so and even then, they will try and manipulate the court process. Filing late, filing incomplete disclosures, feigning illness to get adjournments: you may well experience it all. There\u2019s no getting away from the fact this is infuriating, but you will be in a better emotional state to deal with it if you know to expect it.<\/p>\n
However your soon-to-be-ex behaves, the court process gives you a framework. It provides structure to hold onto in the midst of all the chaos. You can bring yourself back to the process and remind yourself that their narrative is irrelevant.<\/p>\n
They may rant about how unreasonable, incompetent or selfish you\u2019re being. Once you go to court, it\u2019s up to the judge to decide. It really doesn’t matter if they think you don’t deserve to share their pension. Or if they don\u2019t want to pay maintenance. It\u2019s in the hands of the court. And your job, alongside your legal representation, is to ensure they don\u2019t present false, misleading or incomplete information.<\/p>\n
A plan is essential if you\u2019re divorcing a high conflict personality. Yet when you\u2019re dealing with the emotional rollercoaster, especially if you\u2019ve only just realised your soon-to-be-ex is high conflict<\/a>, getting into that strategic mindset is hard.<\/p>\n That\u2019s where I come in.<\/p>\n I have the coaching skills to empower you to take the reins: now and into the future, breaking damaging cycles of behaviour.<\/p>\n I have the legal experience to help you plan your divorce process: to envision the future you want and take the steps to get there.<\/p>\n And I have the high conflict diversion training to equip you for the specific tricks and tactics your spouse will employ to keep you in their power.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not going to pretend working with me will get rid of all your problems. But I can guarantee you\u2019ll be able to handle what comes your way with more confidence, wisdom and clarity than you would going it alone.<\/p>\n I\u2019d love to help you get the rest of your life underway. Contact me to book a free 30 minute consultation<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" If your spouse is a high conflict personality type, buckle up. Your divorce, unfortunately, will be a bumpy ride. But it\u2019s a journey worth making: the rest of your life awaits. In this blog I share the potential pitfalls of divorcing a high conflict person, compared with a more standard divorce, and what you need […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":18362,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2736,582,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18361","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-want-to-leave-my-husband","category-divorce-conflict","category-high-conflict-divorce","category-thinking-about-a-divorce"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/How-can-you-plan-to-divorce-your-high-conflict-spouse.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4M9","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18361","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18361"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18361\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/18362"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18361"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18361"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18361"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n