Loving yourself isn\u2019t vanity, it\u2019s sanity\u2019 says author Katrina Mayer. And she\u2019s right. Especially when you\u2019re getting divorced. Separation and divorce bring a whole load of work, stress and emotional turmoil. Without building in some serious attention on yourself, you\u2019re in danger of burnout. So here are 7 ways to show yourself that essential loving kindness during divorce.<\/p>\n
Here are a few things I hear from my clients all the time:<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s the thing. I want you to normalise things feeling difficult in the midst of divorce. Don\u2019t get me wrong, I don\u2019t want you to get used to feeling rubbish all the time, and think that\u2019s it forever. But I do encourage you to realise it\u2019s normal to feel like this. It\u2019s not that you\u2019re broken, or lacking in some way.<\/p>\n
When you allow yourself to feel the difficult feelings, and let them in, it takes away a little of their power. It also means you can notice them happening: you can think to yourself \u2018Ah, I\u2019m feeling that \u2018useless\u2019 feeling right now\u2019. And by noticing them, you create distance between you and them. If you can notice that you\u2019re feeling useless, not all of you is consumed with feeling useless! Ironically, allowing yourself to sit with your difficult feelings creates space for them to move on.<\/p>\n
So, don\u2019t instinctively push away your feelings. Allow them to exist, with kindness for yourself. They are there for a reason, which we\u2019ll come onto next.<\/p>\n
Whatever it is you’re feeling: anxiety, anger, worry, nervous, it\u2019s telling you something. Our feelings, particularly your difficult ones, show us what we care about.<\/p>\n
So, for example, if you\u2019re angry about an email your soon-to-be-ex has sent, consider what\u2019s under that anger. Is it a sense of injustice, or taken for a ride? That\u2019s a signal to you that your boundaries have been breached.<\/p>\n
If you can allow yourself to spend time with your feelings, quietly ask yourself what they are telling you. If you\u2019re worried about your children, it\u2019s simply because you care about them, which is a good thing! The worry has done its job. You can thank it, and then concentrate on the next part: what is it about your children that\u2019s concerning you, and what can you do about it?<\/p>\n
If you can approach all of your feelings with the sort of loving and kind approach you might have towards your children, it allows you receive the messages they are giving you. Quite often, because we still have monkey minds, our emotions convey necessary thoughts like \u2018it\u2019s important I look at my bank accounts to ensure I can budget properly\u2019 with overlaid catastrophising anxieties like \u2018Aargh, I don\u2019t have enough money and we\u2019re all going to end up starving and homeless!\u2019. That anxiety is really laying the drama on thick. Which is helpful in the sense that it\u2019s bringing it to your attention.<\/p>\n
But if you can stand back and mentally say, \u2018Thank you anxiety for making me aware of this, you\u2019ve done your job now\u2019, over time, your brain will learn to see your difficult emotions as rather overdramatic couriers! They are delivering a message, but there\u2019s no need for them to hang around.<\/p>\n
One of the most loving things you can ever do for yourself is to say no. Women especially are conditioned to please, to be good to say yes, to help. Does that sound familiar? Do you feel lazy or awkward, or unkind if you don\u2019t put yourself forward to volunteer at the school cake sale, or to take the children bowling at the weekend, or whatever other requests you\u2019re on the receiving end of?<\/p>\n
This is your permission to say no. Sure, it\u2019s great to be a helpful community member, neighbour or friend. But you don\u2019t have to be that person all the time. And if there\u2019s ever a time in your life when you don\u2019t need to take on extra stresses or responsibilities, this is it. Set yourself a challenge. What can you say no to this week?<\/p>\n
Of course, sometimes we need to remember to say yes! In the midst of the demands of divorce, running your household, work, parenting, caring for other family members and whatever else you have going on it\u2019s hard to remember you are a person too.<\/p>\n
But you are a person, and to feel alive you don\u2019t just have a need for food, water, clothing and shelter. You have a need for fun, for creativity, to be looked after yourself. So what can you say yes to this week to recognise your own desires and needs? Is it a massage? A night out with friends? A karate class? Buying a fancy notebook and spending an hour with good coffee in a cafe journaling? Tune in to what you need, and make time for it.<\/p>\n
Just like difficult emotions, if you keep avoiding the difficult things in your life, they just loom larger. You can try and shut them in a box in your brain, but they\u2019ll spill out sooner or later. Living with that constant fear of the monster under the bed is more stressful than actually getting on with it.<\/p>\n
But how do you make progress with your divorce in a loving way? With small steps. If you set yourself small, achievable tasks, and complete them, your brain will get a dopamine hit. You\u2019ll feel a sense of satisfaction. You\u2019ll build your confidence. And you\u2019ll also be getting yourself closer to divorce.<\/p>\n
Taking regular small steps forward, in a managed way, is a world away from being switched on with your divorce 24\/7. It\u2019s about having a plan and knowing what to do next. If you don\u2019t know where to start, get your copy of the fully updated How To Be A Lady Who Leaves: The Ultimate Guide To Getting Divorce Ready<\/em> here<\/a>.<\/p>\n As I say, making progress does not mean constantly working on your divorce. Build in breaks. Nothing works if it\u2019s switched on all the time. Consider the breaks as essential battery recharges, so you can move ahead again next time.<\/p>\n I advise ensuring you build in three types of break when it comes to your divorce:<\/p>\n However strong and resilient you are, no-one can go it alone all the time. In fact, asking for help is one of the strongest, most loving things you can do for yourself. It means you can move forward, knowing you\u2019re not alone. Knowing that you\u2019re not working blind. Knowing that you are seen and heard. Please don\u2019t be afraid to ask friends and family for help.<\/p>\n And I\u2019m here to help too, whether it\u2019s:<\/p>\n Whatever else you do, take time to show yourself loving kindness as you get divorced. You\u2019ll be healthier, stronger and happier for it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Emma Heptonstall,<\/b><\/a><\/span>\u00a0the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book\u00a0How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready<\/b><\/span><\/a>. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of\u00a0\u00a0The Six Minute Divorce Podcast<\/b><\/span><\/a>. To find out more visit\u00a0www.emmaheptonstall.com<\/b><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Loving yourself isn\u2019t vanity, it\u2019s sanity\u2019 says author Katrina Mayer. And she\u2019s right. Especially when you\u2019re getting divorced. Separation and divorce bring a whole load of work, stress and emotional turmoil. Without building in some serious attention on yourself, you\u2019re in danger of burnout. So here are 7 ways to show yourself that essential loving […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":18680,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1841,397,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18679","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-mental-health","category-divorce-self-care","category-divorce-support"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/7-ways-to-show-yourself-essential-loving-kindness-during-divorce.jpg?fit=1000%2C516&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6aDhr-4Rh","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18679","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18679"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18679\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/18680"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18679"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18679"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18679"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/span>6. Take a break from your divorce<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
\n
<\/span>7. Get the support you need<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
\n
<\/span>About Emma<\/span><\/h2>\n