{"id":18713,"date":"2023-04-06T06:30:15","date_gmt":"2023-04-06T05:30:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=18713"},"modified":"2023-04-03T08:19:34","modified_gmt":"2023-04-03T07:19:34","slug":"stress-and-high-conflict-divorce-what-do-you-need-to-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/stress-and-high-conflict-divorce-what-do-you-need-to-know\/","title":{"rendered":"Stress and high conflict divorce: what do you need to know?"},"content":{"rendered":"

April is Stress Awareness Month. You don\u2019t need me to tell you that divorce is stressful: it comes second only to the death of a partner or child on the Holmes and Rahe stress scale. But high conflict divorce takes stress to a whole new level.<\/p>\n

In this deep dive we\u2019ll look at the tell tale signs your divorce is high conflict, how stress might manifest, and, crucially, what you can do about it.<\/p>\n

<\/span>Conflict is part of divorce<\/span><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s rare that anyone gets through the divorce process without some sort of conflict. However much you plan to be amicable, or \u2018consciously uncouple\u2019 there will be bumps in the road. Usually around money or children, or both.<\/p>\n

Tension and emotional discomfort go hand in hand with divorce. In \u2018standard\u2019 divorce, though, it\u2019s usually possible to work things through, perhaps with the help of a mediator or lawyer. Maybe you won\u2019t get a perfect agreement or become friends. Maybe one or both of you will behave poorly every so often: it\u2019s human that people lash out when they\u2019re hurt. But you aren\u2019t out to \u2018get\u2019 the other constantly, or \u2018win\u2019 at all costs.<\/p>\n

High conflict divorce is characterised by controlling or coercive relationship dynamics. These were quite often present in the marriage, though you might only realise that with the benefit of hindsight. Someone with a high conflict personality isn\u2019t interested in resolution: they will act to derail the divorce process, and hurt you in the process. We\u2019ll take a look at these behaviours in more detail now.<\/p>\n

<\/span>20 signs your divorce is high conflict<\/span><\/h2>\n

These are all red flags when it comes to your divorce. They don\u2019t all have to be in play for your divorce to be high conflict. But you may find a number of them ring true for you. If you read them and your head starts nodding, it\u2019s likely you have a high conflict divorce on your hands:<\/p>\n

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  1. \n
      \n
    1. One party controls the other financially and\/or emotionally<\/li>\n
    2. One party constantly belittles the other, shaming them and reducing their confidence and self-esteem<\/li>\n
    3. One party takes little responsibility for the family; they behave as if they are single or another child within the family<\/li>\n
    4. One party refuses to acknowledge the other party\u2019s feelings, needs or desires<\/li>\n
    5. On separation, one party constantly contacts the other when it is both unnecessary and unwelcome<\/li>\n
    6. One party refuses to respond to reasonable communication<\/li>\n
    7. One or both parties complain of being the victim or abused by the other<\/li>\n
    8. One or both parties make false accusations<\/li>\n
    9. One or both parties accuse the other of abandoning the family, being neglectful, abusive or controlling<\/li>\n
    10. One or both parties ignore professional advice, court directions or orders<\/li>\n
    11. One or both parties fail to put the needs of their children first<\/li>\n
    12. One or both parties alienate their children from the other parent<\/li>\n
    13. One or both parties bad-mouth the other parent and\/or extended family<\/li>\n
    14. Cafcass or Social Services are involved, or a Guardian has been appointed<\/li>\n
    15. One or both parties accuse the other of lying, gas-lighting or displaying personality disorders<\/li>\n
    16. No agreements can be made or adhered to<\/li>\n
    17. One or both parties hide financial information from the other<\/li>\n
    18. Police or domestic abuse services have been used<\/li>\n
    19. One or both parents frequently return matters to court to be looked at again<\/li>\n
    20. Financial support is frequently denied to the detriment of the other party and their children<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      <\/span>What is a high conflict person like?<\/span><\/h2>\n

      While these behaviours might look very different (controlling finances is different to bad-mouthing you, for example), they all stem from the same place. The need for the high conflict person to be right and to be in control. So what does a high conflict personality look and act like?<\/p>\n

      Here are five common personality traits. You might recognise these from your time within the marriage, as well as from what\u2019s happened since you separated:<\/p>\n

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      1. \n
          \n
        1. A sense of entitlement: can your soon-to-be-ex simply not handle it when things don\u2019t go their way? We\u2019re not talking disappointment here, we\u2019re talking outrage and disbelief, or a refusal to acknowledge what\u2019s happened.<\/li>\n
        2. Empathy skills: they have none. The only lens through which they view the world is their own. They don\u2019t want to have the children at the weekend because it interferes with their plans. No consideration about what the children might actually want and need.<\/li>\n
        3. Superiority: you won\u2019t hear a high conflict personality admit they were wrong, or apologise. If it turns out they were wrong, it certainly wasn\u2019t their fault.<\/li>\n
        4. Need for approval: they\u2019re not secure enough for others to disagree with them. They feed off being told they\u2019re brilliant, and can be damning of those who don\u2019t toe the line.<\/li>\n
        5. Ruthlessness: they don\u2019t care about, or can\u2019t even imagine, the emotional needs of others. So anything goes. If you\u2019re not with them, you\u2019re against them, and you deserve all the consequences that brings.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          <\/span>High conflict divorce and stress<\/span><\/h2>\n

          So far we\u2019ve delved into the signs that your divorce or your soon-to-be-ex are high conflict. And it\u2019s pretty obvious that these traits and behaviours will lead to stress. But so often, especially if we\u2019ve got used to living with conflict for a long time, we normalise symptoms of stress.<\/p>\n

          Take a moment for yourself now to really check in with how you\u2019ve been feeling and acting recently.<\/p>\n

          Stress can have both a physical and emotional effect on you. In terms of physical symptoms, look out for:<\/p>\n