{"id":18755,"date":"2023-05-18T06:30:34","date_gmt":"2023-05-18T05:30:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/?p=18755"},"modified":"2023-05-11T15:44:10","modified_gmt":"2023-05-11T14:44:10","slug":"top-five-ways-to-stop-sabotaging-your-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emmaheptonstall.com\/divorce-coaching\/top-five-ways-to-stop-sabotaging-your-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"Top Five Ways To Stop Sabotaging Your Divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last time on the blog I shared a deep dive into why your divorce stories matter<\/a>. You do have them: it\u2019s whatever you say to yourself and others about your divorce. They can cover anything from what went wrong, to what sort of person you are, or your soon-to-be-ex is. As I explained last time, we need stories to help us make sense of the world, it\u2019s how our brains work. But, they can also get in our way. Your divorce story might actually be stopping you from moving forward. So here are my top five ways to stop sabotaging your divorce.<\/p>\n

<\/span>1. Recognise whether your story is helpful<\/span><\/h2>\n

As humans, we have a negativity bias. We\u2019re hardwired to hold on to the difficult or scary stuff, and not register the positive comments and experiences so strongly. It\u2019s a relic from our evolutionary past: early humans really did have to watch out for the sabre-toothed tiger, or they could get themselves killed. Human civilization has advanced extraordinarily since then. Basic safety is no longer such an issue for most people. Yet our brains are still wired to look out for every possible threat. They can\u2019t tell the difference between snarky criticism and a predator attack.<\/p>\n

This means our brains are whispering \u2018be careful\u2019 at us all the time. They\u2019re trying to keep us safe. But sometimes the whispers are pretty cruel. Whispers like \u2018you\u2019re a failure because you quit your marriage\u2019 or \u2018you\u2019re rubbish at money\u2019 can feel a lot like truth if that\u2019s what you\u2019re telling yourself all the time.<\/p>\n

But they are just stories. They aren\u2019t the truth. And, even if you have some evidence to back them up, it doesn\u2019t have to stay that way forever. You may feel like you\u2019re rubbish at money, or a failure. But there\u2019s room for more. Your story is a story, not destiny. If it\u2019s not helpful, don\u2019t try and just not think about it, that won\u2019t work. The thought exists, and pushing it down is like pushing a balloon under water. It will just pop up again. But you can take a lot of its power away by recognising it\u2019s just a thought you\u2019re having. Other thoughts exist too.<\/p>\n

<\/span>2. Decide what you want from the future<\/span><\/h2>\n

We can get stuck thinking we\u2019re stuck. But there\u2019s always choice, however tricky. So rather than giving your attention to what\u2019s going on right now, spend some time thinking where you\u2019d like to be. Be ambitious with this, while being realistic about what\u2019s right for you and your circumstances. It\u2019s easy enough to say you\u2019d love to live alone in the Maldives, but if you have two children and it\u2019s important to you that you stick around until they\u2019re at college at least, that Maldives dream will have to wait!<\/p>\n

Understanding your values is a great way into setting a direction for your future. They serve as a compass for decision-making. You can get clarity on your values with a free values sort exercise, like this one<\/a>. Once you know what your guiding values are, benchmark any divorce decisions against them.<\/p>\n

<\/span>3. Focus on what you can control<\/span><\/h2>\n

One of the great frustrations in divorce is that you can\u2019t control it all. You don\u2019t get to control the process: everyone has to wait 20 weeks after application before applying for the conditional order, for example. And, worst of all, you have no control over how your soon-to-be-ex behaves. They may try to derail you at every turn. They may refuse to engage. You may feel like you\u2019re banging your head against a brick wall.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, there\u2019s little you can do to change the behaviour of others. You can influence it, with a carrot (such as effective, de-escalating communication<\/a>) or a stick (such as a letter from a solicitor). But you can\u2019t control what anyone else does. And it\u2019s a huge waste of energy to try (think about holding that balloon down in the water).<\/p>\n

So, instead, focus on what you can control. Acknowledge your frustration, and vent with people you trust (the ladies in The Absolute Academy<\/a> are great for this!). And then, accept the situation you\u2019re in, and figure out what you\u2019re empowered to do about it.<\/p>\n

<\/span>4. Dole out self-kindness<\/span><\/h2>\n

Divorce is many things. A marathon, a rollercoaster, sometimes a nightmare. It\u2019s something you want done and out of the way, yet it can be draining and emotionally exhausting to process. You must be gentle with yourself. Being gentle is your ticket to keeping going.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s fine to take breaks. I recommend scheduling in divorce free time daily: an hour a day where you give yourself permission to relax and play and not have to worry about divorce at all. That\u2019s not to say divorce should be front and centre for the other 23! But ring fencing an hour is like a safety valve for your brain: it\u2019s a safe place to play.<\/p>\n

And, on the other hand, if you\u2019ve been avoiding your divorce, because it\u2019s too big and scary to get a grip of, you\u2019ll know by now that avoidance doesn\u2019t feel good. Avoidance isn\u2019t kindness. You don\u2019t want that feeling of dread looming over you. Get a plan in place. Breaking it down into more manageable tasks is the only way to get through your divorce. All the members of The Absolute Academy have access to Get Divorce Ready, a self study programme that walks you through exactly what you need to do when to take charge of your divorce so it doesn\u2019t take charge of you.<\/p>\n

<\/span>5. Get support<\/span><\/h2>\n

One of the most sabotaging things you can do in divorce is to try and take on everything yourself. It can be hard to ask for help and to open up. If you\u2019re concerned about money it is difficult to know what support to pay for, and where to go it alone. But you absolutely need to draw on all the support you possibly can. Let your friends know you will need time to cry and rage. Ask them for help with childcare, or batch cooking.<\/p>\n

Unless you have safety concerns or are in a high wealth marriage, instructing a solicitor shouldn\u2019t be at the top of your to do list. Getting your own head around your divorce is your priority. That was you won\u2019t be using the solicitor as a very expensive counsellor. And when (if: not everyone needs legal advice) you do instruct them, you\u2019ll have a much clearer idea of what you want and need from post-divorce life.<\/p>\n

How do you get that clarity? And how do you get a circle you can trust? The Absolute Academy ticks all the boxes! When you join you\u2019ll get:<\/p>\n